Because (Sequel to Rain Sound)
30 Day IPod Shuffle Challenge for YoonHae (FAILED)Song (Live): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYBnBunrZ8Y
Official: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGH7EKZECKI
There were those tears creeping up to my eyes as I looked down solemnly at her grave. There was a black and white picture of her in the middle, giving me that bright smile that she always tried to give me; the smile she gave to me right before she died... In my arms.
I tried to keep myself calm as I set her flowers on to her grave. Kneeling down, I gave a sad smile to the stone in front of me. I fought back the tears that stung my eyes, and opened my shaking mouth.
"Hello, Yoong. How are you doing? Are you doing well? You have any problems? Where are you?" There was no answer.
Just silence. It was like I was frozen in time. Not even the black crows above my head, or the the dropping water tried to break the silence that was surrounding us.
I hear that
Where you are right now,
How you are, I don’t know
"Yoong, why aren't you talking to me?" I glanced up at the gray sky, tears still trying to creep down my eyes as I smiled. It was bitter. "Yoona, you know that you can't keep me waiting for your reply. You know you can't leave me without an answer."
Unlike I who left you without one when I left.
"Please...Please answer me." The first tear fell. "Don't just leave me here." Another one fell soon after. "Please don't do this."
There was not a single answer. No wind. No light. Not a single sound or action gave me assurence. It was all frozen.
But I felt her presence. I knew she was there with me, and I knew she was watching. Why wasn't she replying to my pleads?
But why do I hear your breath
Please don't do this to me Yoona. Please...
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"Donghae, please eat something. You haven't eaten ever since...She passed away." Kyuhyun nudged a bit of bread in my hand, but I pushed it away. I didn't deserve it. "Don't make this harder for everyone than it has to be. We know that you're upset. All of SM is. Yoona, the one I played video games with, the face of SNSD, the shikskin, isn't here with us anymore and that's devastating. We all have to move on though for the sake of our job and business. Please Donghae, just eat." I heard this dozens of times already, but I just couldn't comply to his wishes. He doesn't know who killed her. He didn't know who was there. He didn't know that it was my fault.
I killed her with my own two hands. She died right there in my arms. She... She tried to say that she loved me, the one who was about to end her life. She was cruelly killed by the one she loved and I was the murderer.
I will never get to see her smile again. I will never get to hear her sweet voice. I would never get to touch her cheeks or kiss her lips. I will get to see her breathe ever again. I was to blame.
"Just move on," or "You'll forget her eventually," was what people said me. They don't know how hard I already tried or how difficult it was to move on. They don't know what its like to try to forget someone you killed emotionally and physically. They don't know what it's like to be Yoona's killer.
I feel that
I tried finding another girl. I tried keeping busy to get my mind away from problems like that. I tried cutting. I tried suicide attempts. I tried writing. I tried everything and I tried so hard.
No matter how hard I try
I begged God to let me be. I pleaded to him, and offered everything I could and would. I went on my knees and dropped every bit of my pride to have his mercy. I dropped it all and sobbed. I offered everything, and begged so much.
No matter how much I pray
Attempts were futile. It didn't matter how busy I was, or how much I prayed. It didn't matter whether my wrists were bleeding so much, or if all my belongings were taken away from sacrafice. None of it mattered, because I recieved nothing in return. I still felt guilty. I still missed her. I still loved her so much that I regretted everything.
It will never work
Even if I try to shake you off
I still feel you
There was nothing that could help me. Work proved to be nothing but work. God was merciless. Pain became painless. Life itself was a pain. Guilt ate my insides so much that was nothing left.
And love was so painful that tears were expressing happiness.
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"Yoongie, I came to ask you a favor." I visited her gravestone again a few days after the past visit.
Silence.
"Please, do this me this one favor. It will be the last one." I felt a gust of wind blow in my face and I smiled. I knew she was there. "Can you please...make me stop loving you?" There was no reply. "Please."
Please don’t stay in my heart once you’re gone
Am I hurting you, Lee Donghae?
I widened my eyes. That was her voice. She was talking to me, to one who killed her. She actually wanted to answer me.
"Y-You..."
Am I hurting Lee Donghae?
"Y-You could talk?"
Am I hurting Lee Donghae?
I blinked. Was that the only thing she would say? The small gust of wind answered my question. That was the only message she would send (or could send) to me.
"Yoona, you never hurt me. I hurt you, Yoona. I love you, and I..." My tears threatened to fall. "I...I just don't want to feel this pain. I need you so much, Im Yoona. I want to hear you speak in front of me. I want to touch you again. I want..."
I still want you
Donghae...
I felt the wind brush the tears away -no- she was wiping them away. I imagined her giving me that comforting smile as she did so.
"Please take this away from me. I don't want to just listen to that sentence over and over. I don't want to keep feeling like this. Please, take all this guilt away. Please..."
Don’t linger around my ears anymore (because)
You are forgiven, Lee Donghae.
There was a pause.
"Y-You..."
I forgive Lee Donghae. I love Lee Donghae.
"You...You..." I felt the tears dropping on to my lap and my sobs grow louder. "You still love me..."
I love Lee Donghae.
I wanted to hear those words in the wind forever.
I wanna listen. I wanna listen your sound.
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Shuffle fricking LOVES ME!!!!
How did they know that he's one of my ultimate bias (1st or 2nd. Still can't decide). I mean I've been DYING to get a solo song and not only did I get one, I got SUNGGYU ASDFLJSDHFLAKSDJFLAEJDFLKASDJVKJAFOIWEF
Lol I am so sorry you had to experience that >w< but I'm just so glad that something came out right today (I've been having a tough week so far).
Just in case you guys don't know, Sunggyu is from the band INFINITE and I love that group to the core. Heck, they are like my second favorite group.
ANYWAY, did you like the angsty fluff thing that I gave you today. AND IT'S A SEQUEL. A combination of both, and it's kind of y :p Do you guys like it though? Tell me ><
Still not a single SNSD or Super Junior song. How annoying =.= That's the only thing upsetting me.
Other than that, I'm in a good mood. Comment and Subscribe please. Don't be a silent reader... Those people hurt my feelings.
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