Jonghyun’s POV

The city lights passed by, distant and alluring; I stared out of the window in a daze. No light reached our van as our manager proceeded on the highway. The other members had fallen into a state of sleep or something close to that.

Another day had passed.

There were more to come.

But before that, a short night of rest was needed.

I didn’t bother wondering what was waiting for us.

It was probably some more practice, promotions and photo shoots.

Although we changed concepts every comeback, it was all the same globally. And, even so, we were expected to be versatile and show other sides of ourselves.

I didn’t know I had this many personalities in the first place.

I wondered if I’d lose myself in all this, after a while.

Would anyone notice if I wasn’t acting like myself?

Did anyone know my true personality?

The worse was that I had a hard time finding an answer to those two questions. And with that realization, I found the loneliness that inhabited me to be slightly disturbing. The fact that I was expected to be able to cope with it for a few more years didn't help.

At first, it was bearable, because the realization that I had finally reached my dreams had taken over every other need. But, as time went on, my enthusiasm faded gradually as I realized I had traded humanity for fame. Of course, I didn't want to be selfish and start regretting my choice for following my dreams: others would probably have given a lot to be at my place.

And yet, I couldn't help but feel incredibly lonely...

But who was I to talk?

I wasn’t the only one in this situation.

I looked on my right. Taemin was asleep soundly, his head resting on Key’s shoulder, looking as innocent as he always was. As for Key, he was staring out the window with a blank, tired look.

I glanced behind. Jinki was sleeping with his arms crossed, his hoodie spread over his head. Minho, as for him, seemed on the verge of closing his eyes as the city lights reflected dimly off them.

They were on the journey with me. They were walking the same path we had all chosen as a team. No matter what trouble we would run into, we had to stick with it until the very end.

Even if it meant losing our identities and personalities in the process.

Because this was our mutual dream.

And dreams always come with a price.

I couldn’t dwell on it longer though.

My cellphone suddenly rang loudly, its loud alert resounding in all the van. Taemin sprang up woozily, his eyes having a hard time opening. Key shot a piercing glare at me. I heard Jinki groan out of discontent at the loud disturbance. Minho didn’t say anything though, although I heard him slightly shuffle behind.

“Aish, Jonghyun. Why didn’t you close it?” our manager said with an exasperated tone.

“Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would call me at this hour.” I apologized, taking it out of my pocket.

I wondered who was calling me.

The fact that SM Entertainment didn’t want to pay for caller warnings didn’t help.

I’ll tell the person to call me later then.

I pressed on the call button and brought it to my ear, unsure of the reason for this late call.

“Yobeoseyo?” I answered simply.

And sobs were heard on the other end.

Painful, heart-crushing sobs.

Surprise took me aback. I could only stay speechless as I watched the landscape swoop by me outside, these sad-filled cries filling my ear.

Who was this?

Who was crying?

The sobs were slightly audible, as silence was the only thing that filled the van.

I could see the manager eyeing me from the corner of his eye in the rearview mirror. He didn't panic; I knew it was impossible for him to hear the sobs, fortunately.

I shot a glance on my right: Taemin had found comfort on Key’s shoulder again, but Key himself was looking at me with a now less menacing stare. He seemed curious of the caller’s identity. I looked behind: Jinki and Minho had gone back into their sleeping states. So it was only Key who could hear what would be said next.

I couldn’t say what was to be said exactly though, since I was at a loss of who this mystery caller was.

And soon enough, the sobs slightly lessened, as if the anonymous caller struggled to regain the ability to speak.  I paid particular attention, as I had an impression he or she was about to say something.

It sounded more like a girl crying though.

Mood Song: Nothing Better [Jonghyun’s cover] – Brown Eyed Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sdXL6fnC-8

And I heard it.

My name being uttered with so much need and despair.

There was no more doubt, as I could recognize this voice anywhere.

It was Sang Hee’s frail, beautiful voice.

The usually bright and sweet girl I loved spending time with so much was crying, right at the other end.

And my heart sank with every sob I heard.

“Sang Hee, what’s wrong?” I said softly, worriedly.

Her cries became uneven, as if she tried to stop the flow to speak.

I felt an unwavering stare on me. I looked on my right.

Key was still staring at me, with a mix of curiosity and disapproval in his eyes. “You gave her your cellphone number?” he mouthed silently.

I simply nodded and slowly shifted my gaze towards the bright, city landscape. I didn’t expect him to understand. I didn’t expect anyone to understand this need I felt to protect her.

I knew he was only worrying about our career.

But I had had enough of always abiding by these rules that chained down my life. I was already so tired with our daily schedule and obligations. I had given up so much already. Why couldn’t they let me maintain a friendship with a harmless girl, whose intentions I knew were pure?

After what seemed like ages, her voice seemed to have regained control of . My heart had already broken slightly from hearing her cry in such a pained, desperate manner though.

“Jonghyun… H-He loved me. All along. And I was so stupid to not notice.” she said in a low, frail voice.

I didn’t need to ask who.

So he couldn’t stand it after all…

“He told you today?” I asked gently, carefully.

“Yes… And that’s when I noticed… that he was hurt all along. Because of me.” she replied unstably. Her last words came out in a scared whisper between two sobs.

“How did he tell you?” I said with precaution, trying to be careful to not make her tears overflow by asking too much.

“He told me… right before my house. H-He cupped my face and he was about to… kiss me.” she whispered, the two last words uttered in a pained manner.

Kiss?

What?

No.

He couldn’t have.

I felt panic stir in my heart at the mention of that word. Was he really that much in love with her? Was he really that desperate?

But he should’ve known she wouldn’t want to.

Just the thought of them kissing sickened me.

And I couldn’t even say why.

“So… you two kissed?” I said, trying to conceal the bitterness I felt.

“No, I stopped him before he would… Because it would’ve been… my first kiss.” she whispered uneasily before sobs took a hold of her again.

First kiss.

It was the one thing that latched itself onto my thoughts.

The memory of her lips immediately flashed into my mind. And I found myself being flustered by this sudden thought.

Aish… What am I doing, thinking about this while she’s crying…

Soon, I felt a surge of relief flow over me as I realized what her words meant.

He didn't kiss her.

I found it unusual in a good way that she still held unto the notion of first kiss. These days, I had the impression no girls cared anymore as long as they kissed a good-looking guy.

And Dae Myung was one.

But she still wanted to keep it.

For the sake of kissing someone she truly loved, I guess?

I found that incredibly endearing. She was so innocent and stood by her values.

There really was no one like her.

The car soon stopped to a halt.

It was then that I noticed we had arrived home. I was so worried for her that I didn’t notice anything other than her voice, even though my eyes were wide open.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore when it’s about her now.

The other members slowly woke up from their short slumber. Key shot a glance at me, shaking his head reluctantly. "You're hopeless, Kim Jonghyun." he seemed to say.

I only shrugged slightly. I knew he was just worried about the consequences of having someone know any of our phone numbers, but she was completely trustworthy.

I didn’t want to close my cellphone; I didn’t want to leave her alone.

Actually, I couldn't leave her alone when she was like this.

I got out of the car and waved goodbye at our manager; he waved back with a tired but encouraging smile. You had to give it to him: even though he wasn't the one on stage, he always did his best for us, accompanying us all the time.

You could say SHINee wouldn't be as organized and successful without him.

I made my way for the apartment, holding my cellphone against my ear.

She regained control of herself after a few tries, keeping the sobs at bay as much as possible. I listened patiently, understandingly. I knew fighting the need to cry was something I couldn’t help her with, but I just hoped my presence at the other end helped her.

She must’ve heard I was walking, as she asked me if she was bothering me in an uncertain, guilt-filled voice.

It was obvious to me she wasn’t though.

“It’s okay, Sang Hee. I want to help you.” I said reassuringly. “We’re friends, remember?”

Her answer was weak and frail, as if the thought of bothering me weighed her confidence down.

“Y-Yes, we are… But I really don’t want you to be troubled by me.”

I walked up the stairs towards the apartment I shared with the other members. Hearing her this way only filled me with sadness.

“I’m here for you, Sang Hee. That’s what friends do.” I told her reassuringly, encouragingly. “Let me help you, okay?”

I took the keys out and opened the door. A moment of silence soon slipped between us. I walked inside, took off my shoes and closed the door without locking it.

I reckoned she was probably trying to decide if she should follow her instinct and stop bothering me or let herself be helped in this time of need.

I really wanted to help her though.

I hoped she wouldn’t push me away.

I hoped she’d let me comfort her just like she comforted me in my moments of loneliness.

I felt an immediate sensation of joy as she soon spoke.

“Okay. Thanks Jonghyun…” she said softly with gratitude.

“No need for thanks. It’s nothing compared to how much you helped me.” I answered happily.

I could soon hear the confusion dissimulated in her words.

“Huh? But I didn’t help you for anything…”

I guess it’d be too weird if I told her she made me feel less lonely, right?

“Nevermind, forget it.” I said, a sheepish smile appearing on my lips despite me.

I crossed the humble living room; the wood flooring felt cold as I walked.

I soon reached the balcony; I noticed with simple happiness that she had stopped crying. This filled me with relief I couldn’t explain with words. I went outside and made sure to close the glass door behind me.

The moonlight caressed me dimly, slightly outshined by the nearby city lights. It was hard to notice amongst all these bright attractions, sadly trying to stand out.

But it was fine.

Because I had only eyes for it.

A contradicting smile filled with sadness and yet sweet happiness took a hold of my lips.

I was sad that she was in so much pain.

But I was also glad, so glad that she had entrusted me with the task of being there with her.

“Do you miss him?” I said softly, with concern.

 “I do… I do so much… Jonghyun, he was always there for me. And now… I just feel so lost without him…” she answered uncertainly, painfully.

Hearing how much he meant to her made slight jealousy spark in my heart. I knew how much he was always by her side, how much he protected her.

And yet, I also knew that if he would have continued this way, I never would’ve been able to be right here, with her depending on me to be comforted.

I knew I couldn’t let this opportunity go. I knew I had to prove myself as trustworthy to her.

I had to make this call, which probably took her a lot of courage, worth it, so she would know she could call again.

Even if it meant I’d have to somehow make her depend on me more.

But it didn't seem like such a bad idea, because I would definitely try my best to always be there for her.

“I’m here. I will always be. So put your trust in me instead.” I whispered softly, pouring my sincere feelings out.

“B-But Jonghyun… You have better things to worry about,” she replied, surprised. “You can’t always take care of me. You’re an idol and you have better things to do.”

“Even so… I’m human too, right?” I said, a bitter smile on my lips.

She paused for a moment, as if she was trying to understand the meaning of those words.

I heard the front door open, as well as tired, lazy footsteps. It was probably the members entering and heading towards the room we shared.

“You are human. And yet… Do you feel like one?” she asked sadly.

I laughed softly without joy. “How can I when everyone expects me to be perfect? You think that I’m perfect as well, right?”

She didn’t say anything for a moment. I felt disappointment creep unto my thoughts.

I knew she saw me as an idol.

I knew the reason she was so attached to me was because I was an idol.

And yet… I really hoped she would’ve been able to see me as someone imperfect and human.

“You’re not perfect. But you’re definitely blessed with many, many, many wonderful qualities. So many that I definitely see no flaws.” she answered reassuringly, in a slightly cheery tone.

A helpless, giddy smile made the corners of my lips swerve upwards. My disappointment made way to a warm, comforting feeling.

Just hearing her speak of me as someone human, someone she would talk to so easily was reassuring.

Who else other than the other members ever made me feel this way?

I couldn’t remember.

“Wae are you talking to yourself?” I said gently, in a joking manner.

I could imagine her pouting right now. “I was talking to you…!”

“I know, I know.” I replied, unable to prevent the smile from spreading.

I was really happy to finally see she was somewhat back to her usual self.

And knowing I was the one who had helped her made pride and a heart-warming feeling spread in my heart.

It only seemed natural for the next words to escape my lips.

“Thank you… for accepting me.”

A soft giggle was heard from the other end.

“I should be the one saying that to you…”

I didn’t answer anything as my smile expanded.

I stared at the moon, softly illuminating the city; a calm and soothing breeze caressed me.

Nothing could describe the overwhelming peace of mind I felt, just by being connected to her. She made the hectic, stressful world of idols seem so far away. Her presence brought calm and simplicity.

I found myself wanting to make this moment last forever.

So the world would consist of only us two.

Time reminded me that it could not be stopped though, as I heard her yawn wearily. I knew it was time for her to sleep, that I shouldn’t keep her up after such an emotionally exhausting day.

How could I explain the disappointment I felt at the thought of leaving her though?

“I think you should go to sleep now.” I said with a slight laugh.

“But… I don’t want to.” she replied with reluctance.

I don’t want you to either…

“You know you have to.”

“I know I have to… But I don’t think I can sleep after all this…”

I knew it would be hard for her to sleep after all this. I knew the stinging memories would replay in her mind over and over.

There was only one last thing I could do for her.

“Let me sing you a song.” I told her in a soft whisper.

She gasped slightly at those words; silence ensued for a few seconds. Soon after, she spoke with words filled with joy yet reluctance.

“You will leave after, won’t you?”

I smiled sheepishly, although I knew she couldn’t see me.

“Will I? Just listen to my voice.”

She giggled slightly; hearing her laugh still brought joy to my heart.

“Okay. Thanks…”

I didn’t say anything, even though I could feel peace overflowing. I gazed one last time at the moon. It seemed to encourage me in this act; I wondered if she was looking at it as well.

I closed my eyes slowly and sang this song I had always loved so much.

This song I had always related to.

This song that was going to comfort this sweet, shy Shawol who had so easily made me forget about my hardships.

"It always appeared before me
Your face, I remember
My heart that stopped short
You spitefully took my dysfunctional heart
And with your bright smile,
That's how you easily opened my heart

It's true, this is how I became your man
All my unpleasant memories, I no longer recall
Because the hand that holds me tight
is as warm as spring

And now like a dream my heart
has gradually stopped by your side
Without awakening for a single moment,
I dream an endless dream

And now like breathing,
if you were to always rest by my side
if you were to always remain this way
nothing better, nothing better than you
nothing better, nothing better than you

And now like a dream, My heart
in your embrace, is held still
Without awakening for a single moment,
I dream an endless dream

And now like breathing,
if you were to always rest by my side
if you were to always remain this way
nothing better, nothing better than you"
 

As the last word left my lips, silence welcomed me.

I realized how much I meant those words. I realized how much she made my life simple and devoid of worries.

How much there really was nothing better than her.

“Sang Hee?” I called softly.

There was no answer.

Only the soft, even breathing of a sweet girl asleep.

I smiled.

I really had managed to help her.

I really had made her sadness go away.

And from now on, I hoped I would be able to be there for her just like this.

Forever, if it was possible.

“Goodnight, Sang Hee.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update! <3

I remember hearing this cover from Jonghyun about two or three years ago, when I was searching Youtube videos when my SHINee fever, especially Jonghyun, was at its peak. I won't forget how a few tears escaped after I had heard this song.

And for that, Jonghyun would always hold an important place in my heart. <3

As I reread my chapter for proof-reading, I found myself smiling giddily as I read on. Is this how you guys feel when you read my chapter? If so, I'm glad then!

Thank you all for supporting so much! I can't seem to erase a smile from my lips everyday I get a new comment... <3