Mood song: Life - SHINee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCE_rUXU7oE

Sang Hee's POV

I wished I could slap myself. I really did. Why did I have to drop one of the two bowls of ramen I had held in my hand? I really was clumsy, and I couldn't get why. What was so hard about walking down the alley? Oh wait, Jonghyun was there.

I bent down and took the now empty cup in my free hand, feeling the burden of Jonghyun's gaze on me. I felt so stupid, embarassed to have caused him even more trouble. I wanted to apologize for being so clumsy; I wanted to apologize for being like this.

Sudden warmth took hold of my hand as I tried to clean up the mess; it was Jonghyun's hand, taking hold of mine, stopping it. I looked up and saw him smiling at me kindly, without resentment or embarassment. His lips moved and a soft voice resounded.

"It's okay, Sang Hee," he whispered reassuringly. "Don't worry about it. We'll just share one bowl together. Will that be fine?"

My heart started throbbing loudly in my chest; his hand held mine and it was such a blissful feeling, an incredible emotion. I slowly smiled back at him and nodded. He took the spilled cup with his free hand and pulled me up slowly.

Everything seemed to fade away except for his eyes, his lips, his face; I wanted to hold onto his fingers forever and never let them go. I knew I couldn't feel this way, that it would come haunting me. But somewhere inside me, I didn't care anymore; he was the only one who mattered.

"Go ahead and sit," he said softly. "I'll go and throw this away."

At those words, he let go of my hand slowly and made his way towards the outside door. As I watched him walk away, I felt a mix of surprise, shyness and gratitude; I didn't want him to let go of my hand and it felt embarassing to feel that way. As I made my way towards the middle seats, I found myself wanting to be with him more and more. It was a whole different feeling, an overwhelming and suffocating one. It held my heart in its clutches.

I sat in one of the middle seats and opened the ramen bowl; the odor suddenly made me realize I was hungry. I looked at the steaming noodles with hunger; I knew I had to wait for Jonghyun though. I took the chopsticks and waited. I heard his footsteps as he came back in.

I didn't look back; I didn't want him to know I was waiting for him with anticipation, like a lost puppy. I tried to keep the appearance of someone who didn't mind his presence, who couldn't care less if he was here or not. But I knew he was becoming the center of my world, of my dream.

He sat next to me. I handed him his chopsticks. He took them silently; I felt his gaze on me.

"You should eat first. You seem hungrier than me," he said, chuckling.

"Thank you," I said, as calmly as I could. "You can eat too, though, you know."

I took a few noodles calmly with my chopsticks then ate them. As soon as I did, my hunger surfaced and I began to take more, realizing I had been starving. I could hear Jonghyun laugh in a heart-warming manner, then he took some too. We looked at each other; he smiled at me, and so did I. We were just like two people who knew each other for a long time, nonchalantly eating Kimchi noodles.

I felt so carefree at that moment; for some reason, eating in the same bowl as Jonghyun didn't embarass me. Our faces were close and I felt my heart thud loudly in my chest, but it felt comforting, like he wasn't a stranger. I couldn't explain how I could feel this way, after all that has happened, but I couldn't deny I liked feeling this way either.

Jonghyun's POV

Good old Kimchi-flavored ramen~. It's been a long time since I had some. Sang Hee has good taste.

We were eating in the same bowl; I was worried that I would eat too much and she wouldn't have much left, so I ate the least I could without leaving myself to starve. I was used to not eating much anyways. She ate alot, and I almost felt bad for taking some of the noodles. She must have been so hungry~...

It then occurred to me: I didn't expect to feel so at ease, comfortable on this date. I was expecting usual fangirls, with the usual socializing, with the usual singing, with the usual appearances. But this date wasn't like usual. It surprised me, the way I was calm, the way I didn't need to keep up appearances. She was different from all the others, and I found myself to start growing attached to her; I knew I shouldn't though, because we might never see each other again.

She seemed to have cheered up completely by now; she smiled and smiled, with an eternal pink hue to her cheeks. It warmed my heart to know I had helped her feel better. I was glad I had been of help, even glad for this guerilla date to have occurred. A question appeared in my thoughts though: Why was she crying in the first place?

I wondered if it was out of place of me to ask, if it would bother her. But then, what could I do anyways? I wanted to help her more, but I couldn't: I was an idol, an idol who was only meant to be gazed at from afar, and she was only a fan, an admirer. The question burned at my tongue now; I tried to suppress it, but it felt like I had to know what had caused her so much pain.

I gave in anyways.

"Sang Hee," I said softly, as to not surprise her.

She slurped a few noodles, then looked at me with an inquiring look.

"I was wondering," I started, unsure of the way I had to ask. "Why... were you crying away from the crowd when I found you?"

She turned her eyes at that question and looked away, eyes gazing at the stage; was it of embarassment, of refusal or of shyness? I couldn't say.

After a few moments, she looked back into my eyes and I saw a glint of sadness, like it had aroused painful memories. I started to feel bad, to regret having even asked her that. Before I could tell her it was nothing though, she spoke in a trembling voice.

"It's just that... I couldn't feel confident enough to meet all of you," she said sadly. "SHINee is really... precious to me. But I just don't deserve even bothering you guys. There were so many other girls out there. You didn't need to choose me."

My heart broke a bit at those words. I didn't want her to feel inferior, unconfident; I found her quite different, with many qualities, on the contrary. Many comforting phrases wanted to escape my lips, but something prevented me from doing so: the part of me who was an idol, who was unreachable. I couldn't raise her hopes up; I couldn't make her depend on me, because I couldn't be there for her.

"You know, Sang Hee," I started, choosing my words carefully. "You're a Shawol and you've been supporting all of SHINee. You have every right to have the same chances as any of the other girls out there... In fact, we love all of our Shawols equally, so don't be bothered by that."

A smile slowly grew on her lips, but her eyes still had that glint of sadness. Was there something she wasn't telling me? I knew I had no right to ask further, so I dropped the topic.

She ate the last remaining noodles then neatly organized the empty bowl and chopsticks so they would be thrown away conveniently. She went to throw it out, walking in her shy manner towards outside.

I looked at my watch; there was only fifteen minutes left. My heart, surprisingly, dropped at that thought; I didn't want it to end, to go back into the frantic schedule of an idol. I wanted to stay here, where I could feel at ease, where I had no obligations. But I knew it was impossible.

She came back, smiling happily; I didn't want to tell her that this was about to end. I didn't want to be the one to make that smile dissipate; I didn't want to be the one bringing her sadness. I knew I had to tell her, to prepare her for our departure.

"The date is almost over," I whispered. "There's only fifteen minutes left."

Her smile faded away; it made my heart crumble slightly. She sat next to me and looked at me with saddened eyes. I didn't know what to say; I didn't know what I could do to cheer her up. I was watching her slowly fall back into the state I had found her in, and yet, there was nothing I could do.

I'm so sorry...

"I'll miss you," she said in a low, sad voice.

I didn't know what to answer. Those simple three words warmed my heart, but I couldn't reply. I couldn't make her hope for another meeting; I couldn't promise her anything.

I couldn't tell her I would miss her too.

I was in a turmoil interiorly. I didn't want to start depending on her; I didn't want her to depend on me either. Nothing good would end up from this. We had to go back to our usual lives, as if nothing happened. I was an idol, only meant to be gazed from afar, to be the object of all the fans' affection. She, on her side, had to continue living her own life, as a fan. We were just idol and fan; we could never be more than that.

"Jonghyun," she said softly, courageously. "Can I... have your phone number? I promise I won't c-call you or anything. I'll just send texts..."

She wanted us to stay in touch, to see each other again. I knew I had to decline. She was a fan; she could share my phone number with others. She didn't seem like someone who would do that, but I couldn't afford to risk SHINee's privacy for one feeling I had. My heart was breaking slowly, undeniably. She looked at me with pleading eyes, gleaming with unattainable hope.

No, don't look at me with those eyes...

"I'm sorry," I said in a whisper.

She didn't say anything. Her eyes welled up slowly, but she still tried to smile. She was trying to be strong by hiding her sadness. My heart crumbled; I was the one who was making her go through this. In the end, I ended up crushing her heart even more than it was, before the date. I couldn't believe what I had done. Looking at her, so fragile, fighting against her tears, I felt so sick of myself, of my obligations as an idol, of this path I had chosen.

We stood there for a long while, gazing at each other. The atmosphere had changed; it was filled with sadness, fear, uncertainty. I couldn't believe things had changed so much in a few seconds, and it was all because of me. I didn't know what to do, what to tell her. I was at a loss of words.

A tear slipped from her eyes; it slowly fell off her cheek.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

The sound of a door opening echoed.

We both turned to look at the entry. It was my manager, coming to get me. He walked down the alley, then between the seats towards us.

"Jonghyun, it's time to go~," he said loudly. He looked at Sang Hee, smiling. "Thank you for coming to the date. I hope you guys had fun."

I turned to look at her. She was genuinely smiling, but I noticed that her legs were trembling.

"Yes, it was really fun," she replied kindly. "Thank you for letting me experience this."

"It's no problem~," he said happily. "Jonghyun needs to leave right away now. It's back to practice for him! Please come next time, if you can."

"Okay, I will," she said in a calm manner.

"Alright. Let's go, Jonghyun," he told me as he made his way towards the exit.

I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave her. I hated it so much, the way things had ended up, the way I had to leave her here, after I had broken the hope she had in her. It would be like I was running away, like I was a coward.

She looked at me now with tear-filled eyes, but she tried to hold back her sadness.

"So this is goodbye," she said in a soft whisper.

I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to leave you here alone.

"Yeah," I said calmly. I took my jacket and put it on me. "Thank you for coming and I hope I didn't bore you too much~."

I'm such a coward.

"Thank you for everything," she whispered, smiling kindly.

I couldn't stand up for what I wanted in the end...

"Goodbye, Sang Hee," I said, smiling, before making my way towards the exit.

I'm sorry.

 Sang Hee's POV

I dropped on my bed, hiding my face in my pillow. The date had ended an hour ago, yet it felt like I came back from a whole different world. A world where Jonghyun had talked to me, where he smiled at me, where he was with me. I wanted to go back, to be with him again. I wanted to see him again; I wanted to feel his hand holding mine.

I wanted to be with him so much.

The feeling suffocated me, tugged at my heart.

I had tried to stay in contact with him; it was my one and only chance. But he didn't want to. He didn't want to talk to me anymore than he had to. I was just like any other fan to him, any other ordinary girl. I was going to be forgotten by him again, like a pale ripple in his memories.

He will forget, but I will remember. I will be the only one who will remember what happened today. I'll be the only one to cherish these memories.

Tears fell on my pillow, one by one. Tears of pain, of longing, of desperation.

Jonghyun, I fell in love with you.

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This chapter... I was so heartbroken, when I was writing it. I've grown so attached to these two~ It just broke my heart, having to separate them like this. It made me teary-eyed a bit towards the end too. ;~;

SHINee sang Life with so much emotion~ I think it fit this chapter perfectly! Chapter 12 is the first chapter to be truly heartbreaking and I'm sorry if it made you guys sad. TwT

I promise you guys there will be more, so do not fear~!