Mood song: Quasimodo – SHINee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmBTiqcSiZ8

[Be prepared to replay it a lot of times!]

Sang Hee’s POV

Our footsteps troubled the silence slightly; the night had swallowed the streets. My house appeared in the far distance eerily, warning me of the fluid time slipping away.

For the first time in what seemed like years, I began to feel nervous around him. I had found it unusual that he didn’t seem as happy and caring as he usually was ever since the ulzzang left. When he came back from his break, I sensed something had changed in him.

I couldn’t say what though.

And even now, not the single shadow of a smile was seen on his lips.

As time passed in this silence that was now uncomfortable, it felt like our relationship had changed so much. But the worse was that I didn’t know why or when it had morphed this way.

I wanted to know what was happening, why this was happening. But he was my best friend, my older brother.

Things shouldn’t have changed this quickly.

There weren’t supposed to be any secrets between us.

I wanted to tell him of my fears.

I had to reassure this growing uncertainty that was plaguing me.

I knew I couldn’t let this go. It was my turn to make an effort for our friendship.

But the more we walked, the more I felt myself grow fearful. The silence constricted my throat; I didn’t want to break it, to divert his attention towards me.

I didn’t want things to be more awkward than they already were.

Hadn’t I troubled him enough after all these months?

But I couldn’t give up on helping him.

Not when he had always gone out of his way to protect me.

Not when he had put so much effort in for me.

As we slowly approached my house, I urged myself to say something, anything.

But my thoughts were filled with guilt as I realized the extent of his efforts for my well-being when I hadn’t done as much.

Regret appeared in my mind, seizing my memories and replaying every single one of them.

Even though he had hurt me before, in my mind, he had surpassed that stage. I only had admiration, immense gratitude for him now as I remembered when he had defended me from everyone else at school.

When he had supported me during practice for the auditions.

When he had auditioned just so I could get a chance to be in SM Entertainment.

When he had supported me during my first performance.

When he had taken me for the first time to the amusement park.

When he had shown me true, daily happiness when my life was devoid of it.

And, as I reminisced, my feeling of inescapable gratitude escalated inside of me. There was nothing that exceeded the admiration I held for him.

No one could replace someone as precious as he was to me.

I’d never want to lose him.

Ever.

But, as we reached my doorsteps, panic installed inside of me. I hadn’t managed to say a single word. I hadn’t managed to do what I wanted.

I hadn’t managed to support him like a best friend should’ve.

And, in my perspective, I was the worst kind of friend to have, unable to help the one person I owed so much to.

I have to do something.

I have to help him.

He needs my support.

He needs me.

He needs me right now.

And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder…

Was it my fault he was this way in the first place?

Guided by this oppressing need to know, I opened my mouth to utter my anxiety, my words escaping in a tiny, scared, pathetic voice.

“Dae Myung, are you angry at me?”

Hearing the fear in my voice, he immediately looked at me with that same worried, protective look in his eyes. I felt immediate relief as I realized he still had a familiar worry seizing him whenever I wasn’t fine.

Much of my fear regarding the awkwardness that had slipped into our relationship remained though.

A slight, reluctant smile appeared on his lips. “Of course not. I’ve just been thinking lately.”

I felt guilt regaining control of my heart. It felt like I didn’t know much about him sometimes. As I was confronted to it this way, regret tore away my heart, bit by bit.

Since when did he feel this way?

Why hadn’t I noticed it before?

He was right by my side all along, and yet…

I hadn’t bothered paying attention at all...

“Thinking? Is it… anything I can help you with?” I asked, slight hope that I could help my best friend with whatever he was dealing with.

But he shook his head, that same slight smile on his lips. “It’d get worse, trust me. It’s better if you don’t be bothered by it.”

I knew he meant well by these words, but it still hurt to find him rejecting my help. I didn’t want to let this go so easily. He had helped me so much and yet, when he needed my help, I wasn’t of much use.

It felt so unfair, somehow.

I felt my throat tighten with sadness, feeling betrayed by the way he didn’t want to let me help him.

I was there for him, yet why didn’t he want it?

Was I really of no use to him?

“Dae Myung… We’re best friends. I want to help you. You know you can tell me anything.” I said in a slightly desperate voice.

He stared into my eyes, his smile fading from his lips. My heart sank. It felt like I was losing him somehow, that I wasn’t the best friend I thought I was.

He didn’t say anything at first. We stared at each other without moving, as if we were waiting for the other to act, holding our breaths. Fear dwelled into all of my body, petrifying me. My knees started to tremble as I could only look at him in a pleading, desperate manner.

I wanted all this questioning to stop.

I wanted him to say something.

Anything.

Anything to break this unbearable silence that was holding us hostage.

After what seemed like forever, his voice finally broke the silence gently, softly.

“Best friends? Is there any way we could be more?”

The surprise of hearing those words caught me aback.

I couldn’t make my mind work. I couldn’t move at all.

I could only stare as his eyes darkened to a deep brown, speechless.

I couldn’t utter an answer.

I wanted to wake up from this lethargy.

I wanted to speak.

But I didn’t know what to say at all.

He made a first step towards me, soon followed by a few more, never detaching his gaze from mine. The distance between us slowly shortened, step by step.

“To you, I am an older brother. But, to me, you aren’t a sister.”

Hearing those words made shock hit me. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to cry upon hearing those words.

Denial immediately surfaced.

This isn’t true.

You’re lying.

I was always right by your side.

How could you not consider me the same?

Hurt crushed my chest soon after, joining the hurricane of emotions that was messing my mind up.

As he was now just in front of me, my eyes now wore a hurt, sorrowful look. My heart ached so much from the betrayal that was weighing it down.

His eyes gleamed with a newfound light. They seemed more intense and… passionate. I didn’t recognize this part of him. I was slightly scared by this side of him that I didn’t know about, but also slightly curious.

“I don’t want to merely be your brother, Sang Hee. I don’t want us to be friends forever. I want more than that.”

He raised both of his hands slowly, never looking away from my eyes. The atmosphere seemed so entrancing yet strange.

I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t know what to expect.

He cupped my face with his hands softly, slowly. His touch felt gentle, and I immediately felt his warmth. My heart started pounding frantically. He approached his face to mine slowly, those intense eyes never leaving me.

Our lips were close to touching; I could feel his uneven breath on me. All of this was so odd, so unexpected. The surprise had frozen me in place. It didn’t even occur to me to react.

“Do you feel anything when we’re like this?” he said in a subtle, soft whisper.

I couldn’t explain why, but the manner he had said those words made my heart clench with a warm, hazy feeling. An unexplainable fever took a hold of my mind, clouding my thoughts.

 “Look into my eyes. Can’t you see it?” he whispered gently, those same eyes burning with a fire I had never noticed before.

My breath started to waver as our lips approached. I felt entranced by his eyes, by this new passion he was showing me. I couldn’t determine my own feelings; they throbbed in my mind, but I couldn't tell their nature.

All I could do was gaze into his eyes, my mind hazy with confusion, with an odd feeling I had never felt before.

And just when I thought our lips would touch, a sudden thought surged into my mind. As I realized I didn’t want this to happen, I could feel my eyes welling up, blurring my vision of his intense eyes.

With trembling hands, I held both of his hands that cupped my face; they were cold from the chilling temperature outside. Suddenly, immediately, words came out from my lips in a pained, choking whisper.

“Don’t, Dae Myung… It’s my first kiss…”

 He stopped his advance, our lips apart from each other by only a tiny inch. Our breaths interlaced. His eyes burned with a feverish passion.

I couldn’t even think of anything. I could only be aware of my frantic heart, of my uneven breath, of this newfound feeling straining my chest. I could only look at him with a tear escaping my right eye, awaiting his reaction.

After a few moments of unsure thoughts and confusion, he turned away with an embarrassed, sad smile, closing his eyes in a pained manner. His hands still held my face gently, but they were slightly trembling.

“What the hell am I doing…?” he said with a humorless laugh.

I had no words to say. I could only stare at him hazily.

Against the moon, his pain and confusion seemed to be amplified. The moonlight reflected off of his slender traits, giving my eyes a newfound image of him.

And in my eyes, he was truly stunning, blessed with good looks.

It was then that I realized he was handsome.

It was then that I could see why so many girls liked him.

It was then that I noticed he was attractive.

He released my face and took a hold of both of my hands, pulling them down. He turned to face me and stared right into my eyes, pain and yet determination filling his. I didn’t say anything; my throat was binded by shock.

We stood there, locked in each other’s eyes. A horrible, uneasy feeling clenched my chest, crushing it.

He was supposed to be like my older brother.

We were supposed to be as close as different-blooded siblings.

Was it really impossible for us to go back now?

The light of determination ignited in his eyes. I could see sincerity revealing itself.

Faced with this, my heart dropped.

His words broke the silence in a soft whisper. The grip of his hands on mine tightened gently.

“Sang Hee, I’ll be honest with you. I can’t keep it in anymore. I can’t bear to see you not notice me. I can’t bear to see you flustered by other guys. I’ve been right by your side, but… I’ve been too close perhaps. You only saw me as an older brother.”

His eyes expressed all the genuine love he felt. I felt my knees turn weak out of disbelief.

I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear how our friendship couldn’t stay much longer.

Seeing this, he held my hands tighter. I noticed that same gleam of concern that had always animated his eyes when he looked at me.

But I knew it was never going to be the same again.

“Please don’t misunderstand. It makes me incredibly happy to know you trust me so much. You let me protect you. You trust me as an older brother. And yet… I want to be more than that to you. I want you to see me as a potential lover. I want you to see me beyond the image of older brother.”

Somehow, I knew this was coming all along.

I wanted to ignore it, to believe that we could truly stay as best friends.

But I couldn’t escape it anymore.

And to be faced with it this way could only make my throat clench itself and tears blur my vision.

After so much time with me, he knew I was on the verge of crying. He knew exactly how to make me feel better usually, how to make me smile despite the salty tears warning to flow.

But he couldn’t.

Because he was the reason I wanted to cry.

One of his hands let mine go. He my cheek once gently, with a concerned yet saddened expression.

“I know this isn’t easy for you to hear. But I can’t bear lying to you or myself anymore.”

The grip of my hands tightened on his remaining one, in a futile effort to hold onto our fleeting friendship, onto our fleeting bond.

Noticing this, he returned this act of desperation, as if he was trying to reassure me he was still here with me.

But he wasn’t with me as an older brother anymore.

His free hand soon encircled my hair, holding the back of my head gently. His gleaming eyes expressed worry and care, but there was no regret in them.

It was then that I knew it was bound to happen, no matter what I did.

He pulled me softly towards him.

I had let go of any thoughts of resisting.

As our faces drew close once more, I didn't show any sign of reluctance.

He approached his lips to my forehead slowly.

I closed my eyes tardily, exhaustedly. I abandoned myself to this last act where he would represent a brotherly figure to me.

Because, after this, I had to see him as a man, just like how he wished.

"I want to be the guy who will make you happy. I will do everything just so that your everyday becomes eternally filled with happiness." he said gently. I could feel his unsteady breath against my forehead.

A lukewarm emotion strung my heart. I didn't wonder about its nature. All the questioning was to be left for later.

"Sang Hee, I love you. I love you with all my heart." he whispered lovingly, softly.

I let myself be cradled by his voice and accepted it without resisting.

But, even though I tried to suppress it, I could sense a heart-crushing feeling germ in the confines of my heart.

His lips kissed my forehead gently, lightly. I could feel a soft pang of warmth where they touched.

He soon pulled away after, his gaze locked in mine. His hand let go of mine, and he made a step behind.

I didn’t feel anything, except for this growing sensation of confusion and hurt intensifying along the walls of my heart.

He smiled sweetly, reassuringly.

The corners of my lips couldn’t help but swerve upwards slightly, although my heart ached at the loss of our friendship.

How was it possible that I could still smile when I felt my heart cower with hurt?

“I don’t want an answer right away. When you’ll be ready, you can tell it to me.” he said with care and patience.

Courage soon adorned his lips as he made a step back.

I could see he was hurting.

But the light of his eyes expressed no regret.

And then I didn’t doubt it at all. He was completely honest.

“I’ll be waiting.” he whispered softly.

Those words echoed clearly in my mind.

And, right after, he turned around slowly. The image of his caring smile remained engraved in my mind.

I heard his footsteps on the paved street as he walked away.

As my older brother walked away.

And the next time I would see him, it would be as someone who loved me.

Faced with this realization, hurt immediately expanded and burst my heart.

I felt my knees tremble as tears immediately started flooding my eyes.

I walked up the steps quickly, took out the keys and opened the door with trembling hands, trying to prevent my tears from escaping.

I felt like I had lost someone that had always held me up high.

I was tumbling down now that he was gone.

As I opened the door, I entered with frail, unsure steps and closed it behind me in an automatic, lifeless motion.

I was at a loss of what to do, of how to orientate my thoughts.

I didn’t know how to feel, how to react.

I rushed up the stairs and went into my room, closing the door behind me. I dropped my bag without a care and fell on my bed.

And I let myself show the mess I had become.

My tears flooded.

My sobs became frantic.

My head pounded.

My heart beat at an alluring speed.

We would never be as before.

Never would we be able to act just like before.

Never would we look at each other the same way again.

Because I knew he loved me now.

And that he had suffered for so long because of me.

And yet, I didn’t love him that way.

How was I supposed to stay by his side if it would only hurt him even more?

How was I supposed to make him feel better if I couldn’t give him the love he wanted, needed?

I didn’t hold anything against him.

I didn’t blame him for this.

It was no one’s fault.

But, even so, why did I have to lose him?

The darkness of the night scared me. The chilling temperature of the night amplified my sense of loneliness.

I cried my heart out, kissed by the moonlight passing through my window. Loneliness carved itself into me, indenting the despair it always travelled with.

I longed for someone to soothe it.

For someone to be here with me.

The first person to come to mind was Dae Myung.

But he was gone.

I couldn’t call him after he just confessed.

I couldn't depend on him tonight.

I couldn't depend on him to soothe this pain that had arisen.

And the notion of his loss was amplified in my mind, doubling my tears.

I missed him already.

I missed him so much.

Before he had entered my life, I was used to loneliness. I lived with it by my side every day.

And yet, now that it had joined me once again, all it did was make my pain swell and swell until my world seemed pitch black.

A world without the brotherly figure I had taken for granted.

But I was weak and animated by my need to avoid loneliness.

I needed reassurance. I didn’t want to face it alone.

I wanted this loneliness that was plaguing me gone.

So my hand reached out into my pocket and took out my cellphone. My fingers trembled uncontrollably.

As if in a desperate attempt, I dialled another number.

My mind was blank; I could only hear my pained sobs break the night’s silence.

My world hung by a thread.

It seemed so fragile, as if it could be shattered by anything.

“Yobeoseyo?”

His gentle voice resounded.

My world was saved by his appearance.

I couldn’t contain the happiness of hearing his voice, of having my loneliness fade away with his appearance.

I wasn’t alone anymore.

I was connected to him.

He was with me.

I just wanted to pour out all the hurt and confusion afflicting me.

To tell him of this situation.

To tell him of my confusion.

To tell him of my hurt.

To have him reassure me and magically make all the pain go away.

Just like he had always done for me before unconsciously.

My sobs intensified uncontrollably. My happiness and gratitude added themselves to the mess that was my thoughts.

The name of my savior could only come out from my throat in a pained, choked whisper.

“Jonghyun…”

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Ummm. OMG.

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