I heard every word he said that night,i barely stood there,without moving,acting like i was sleeping,holding my tears inside me.
I just wanted to get up,and confess him back,i just couldnt.

Tomorrow morning mom will get back from China,at least i will be relieved that i will not be a problem for Jjong anymore. 

I didnt seen him at school,he must have a busy schedule today or something i guess,he havent text me either,and his phone is turned off.

I made my way to Sag Min at the lauch break,i saw he was standing alone too.

"Hey!" he said as he moved to make me sit next to him
I smiled at him,looking as he was texting someone. 
"Are you okay? I just got a messaage from a friend,about what happened between Mi Cha and Jonghyun the day we they were practicing" he said

"W-what happened? I dont know anything,really.." i said confused...

"I dont want to hurt you,really,if it were for me i will not say anything ,but im terribly shocked that he didnt told you himself,anyway im gonna tell you,better found it out from me that anyone else.."

"Go on.." i said inpacciently.

"Well...look yourself" he said as he reached out his phone to my hands

"Did you know that Mi Cha maked out with Jonghyun ?
They looked really intimated,i bet they are together now,its official...Spread the news ;)" 


I was speechless,shocked,confused,i felt like the world suddendly fell over my shoulders,hearing laugh in the background,students looking at me ,i was so stupid!

How could i believe him. I was right,trust no one,no one will ever understand me.

I fell on my knees, looking down at the screen with a hopeless face,i closed my eyes for a moment,i started to cry,sobbing sounds escaping from my mouth,then a hand helped me to get up,feeling his arms around my body,i just wanted to dissapear.

Silly of me,to think that he could fall in love with someone like me.

"Shh,its okay,im sure he didnt do that on porpuse,he will never mean to hurt you,never. But however sometimes you have to deal with the reality,im sorry for you,i know you are hurted now and you dont want to talk to anyone,but if you want to im here to hear everything you will want to shout him right now,i know how it feels,you think you deserve this pain,but you dont ,really." Sang Min words chilled me off,for a moment i forgot how furious i was with Jjong. 

"I cant believe he did it,and most of all,im the stupid one who trusted him! Im so stupid. I warned myself to not get close to anyone,i knew i will get hurt anyway." i said,

He placed his hands on my shoulders ,lowing down to the same eye-level.

"Listen to me,after school,lets go somewhere,im really a good listener,and im here to listen you,ive learnt so much about you from him,better not spell his name,im sure it will hurt you even more.." he continued,i just nodded,didnt know what do actually do. 

I hadnt made any friend yet,exept Sang Min,he is really kind,and i aprecciate his help.

Passing by the hallway i saw Mi Cha,she stopped in front of me,she smirked ,her eyes full of hate. 

"Look who won this time,honey" she said as she patted her hand on the top of my head.

I just runned away from where i was,entering the class,sitting there...in the end. 

The last hours passed as i got myself ,how could he do that to me? But still,im not his girlfriend or something.

I got out from the gate of the school,looking for Sangmin,as i saw a shadow back to me,here he was. 

My eyes were kinda red,i think from the overloaded tears .

"Where do you want to go? " he said as we started to walk.

"Lets go to my house,as you may know,none is home,and i dont feel like hanging out much,i dont feel like do anything." i said,my voice is so low,i was hoping he heard me. 

We got in my house,i through the backpack on the couch,going to my room,he just followed me .

I sat down to my bed,he was in front of me,he just looked like a psycholog or something,anyway i was thankful that he was there,if he werent i will be obviously hurting myself with something...

"Have you ever felt like you dont belong here? And nobody loves you? You know,people who dies from suicide dont want to end their lives,they want to end their pain.

The pain that i got inside me its huge,i cant express it with words,and you  know,when the cup is full,you cant handle it anymore,thats why i dont trust anyone,but with Jonghyun i felt different,normal,and when it comes ..in the end i will always get hurt.Always.

And up until now i had sworn to myself that im content with loneliness.
I have acid rain in my brain,and its killing the flowers in my heart.

You dont know what its like to be me,to take a mirror and see what i see,to hate every inch of your body.
I held back my feelings for him till now from the fear of getting hurt ,funny thing is,im still hurting anyway."

I started crying and sobbing like i never did before,all the pain inside me made me took out from the como a razor ,he just stared at me all the time,with his mouth opened.

He didnt stopped me,he saw as i took the tip of it and opened my skin ,letting out a sigh,tears flowing down to my lap,rolling down ..

"You wont find happiness at the depth of your wrists" he said,he got up and threw the razor with blood to the floor,he say nest to me,as he took my wrist,looking at it.

"Doesnt that hurt?" he continued

"Only when i want it to."i said through my tears,i felt relieved for a moment,and the drops of blood mixed with the drops from my eyes rolling down my hand made me even more chilled.
 

"I just want to stay home forever and never go out again and never talk to anybody ever again.I crave loneliness,in every meaning of the word.i don't care how much i love the people i love,or how much i miss the people i miss,i just want to be alone for a long period of time.Detach myself from everything.I don't know what i am and what i want and who i want and everything is hard and confusing right now.Why can't i be like other girls?Why do i have to deal with this?I hate myself and i don't want to see anyone.I was stupid to ever believe that someone could save me from this hell.The only person that can save me is me.And i don't even want to do it.I just want to be alone." i aggunted,i didnt know what i was doing,i just felt like i could talk with him,he knew me already from "him".

"Was it worth it?" he said as he wiped my wrist with a handkerchief. I just stared at him. 

"You just dont want to get better,and see the bright side of life,out there there are people who cares,like

me and Jonghyun,really i know you,i know what youve done ,i know."

"Novody cares,none."

"How you know,well i do,im sure im not the only one,he do loves you for real,i know him,and he is not

joking,ok?" i could fell his arm arond my waist,i was confused though ,but my mind was somewhere else,i

got up and hugged him,he was so patient.

"I know you are saying this just to make me better,but it doesnt work with me."

"You wanna know the truth?" he wishpered. 

"You know,i liked you,since the first day i looked at you with Jonghyun,really,i like your way of doing things

i like everything about you." i took a step behind,looking at him shocked "but you know,you and Jonghyun are meant to be

so i gived up,you are a perfect couple ."

he smiled."so now go out there and fight for him,i know he makes you happy,i know how happy you make him ,kay?"

he finished as he directioned to the door of the room,getting out .

I took his hand ,as i pulled him and gived a big hug "Thank you Oppa." i said as he saw me from up there.

"I have to go now ,please be safe,and remind what i told you,okay? If you  have anything im here,just a call away"

I nodded as he got out of the door,i heard the front door closed,i strted crying again,as i lied on my bed,i forgot about the bloody wrist,and accidently i made the pillow turned red. I was to tired to change it now,but surely i have to change it before mom is back. 

----------


I didnt know if waiting him this night was a good idea,Sungmin really helped me,it was really unexepted to see that someone secretly liked me.
However i got out the bed after 4 good hours of thinking and sleeping,i played some melodies on my guitar ,i tried to think about something else upon that "thing". 
I opened the laptop,going to download some new Big Bang songs...and yes. It was so hard to forget about him at least for a moment.

The collage he made appeard.I focused at it for some minutes,and ... i saw a little scripture down there...with my Korean skills i took a paper and wrote it down,only when i realized the sign said "Saranghae" my heart stopped. I took a deep breath ,and turn the laptop off.
 

It was already 1:50 AM ,since i didnt talked to him i didnt know if he will come or not.Even looking at him will make me feal with tears. Pain,pain go away...

As exepted he got in,i was sitting on the other side of my bed,showing him my back,looking at the lamp,the light.

"Cutie!" My body just shivered from my spine to the top of my head from his voice " sorry i didnt called you ,i had rehearsals to do,i was really busy and my manager took my phone,im so-" his voice stopped,as i turned my head to look at his,he was staring at the pillow,brownish marks all over it,thats the colour of the dried blood.

"Wh-WHAT? What did you do? Please tell me thats not your blood,please,please tell me you were painting or something,please!" he looked preocupated.

I didnt turned my face from staring at the lamp. He took my wrist,forcing it up ,to give him a better visual of it.

"Why? What happened ,what? One day tha im not here and you did it ? You promised me you will not do this again!"

"You are wrong..." i lowly wishpered " i didnt,and i will never do,now please get out from here,im okay alone"

"What? LOOK AT ME!" he said as he turned my face, he saw my eyes were drawning in my tears.

"No,NO! Dont cry,please,dont cry,im here,ill take care of you,please dont cry!" 

He shouted at me,as i felt back down to the bad

"I like drinking coffe and reading alone.I like riding the bus and walking home alone.It gives me time to think. I like drawing and listening to music alone.

But when i see a mother and her child,a girl with her lover,or a friend laughing with their bestfriend,i realize that even though i like being alone,i dont fancy being alone.

The sky is beautiful,but the people are sad...." i said ,looking at him as he stood over me,looking me with his lost eyes"..i just need someone who wont run away,leave me alone Kim Jonghyun,thats all im asking for,please."

" Ok,what the hell are you talking about,i wont leave. Im here for you ,you know this...if all this is beacuse i didnt told yo-" 

" Are you kidding me?I know you may suddendly dissapeard for days,you are an idol,i understand that....i dont know why i still talk,get out,now." i said,i was really furious.

"What have i ever done to you? May you please tell me at least?"

"No."

"Well im not moving from here,only if you force me to."

I got up ,trying to push him away from my bed,but he was to strong ,i couldnt do anything else ,i just lied down,and closed my eyes.

-------

"Get up!.....GET UP! " i shouted at him,he felt asleep next to me,his hand rounded on my waist,his leg crossed between mine. 

"What?" he said as he rubbed his eyes ,as he realized in what position he was,he rolled to the corned of the bed.

" Its already 5:30 am ,you have 30 minutes to get back to your dorm,i warned you,now go." i said with a cutted voice,didnt want to give him more confidence. 

"Oh holy shi-" he hurried up as he flipped his hairs,looking at himself at the mirror for a moment,and rushing to the window..
"Im sorry" he said ,after closing the window.

The sun start to come out from behind the buildings,i got up after he left,trying to do homeworks and other stuffs before mom will be back home...