#66:Light of My Life

WARNING: SCENE AHEAD

Baekhyun was no stranger to stress. It was almost all he had ever known. Back then, during the day Baekhyun was always fine. He’d look out the window and pretend he was a king, looking out at his people. He’d wear a sheet like a cape and roll a piece of paper into a scepter, prancing around the room and making a throne out of his books. But at night his cape would become a shield against monsters, and the room that had been his castle became his prison. He would huddle under his blankets and cry, wondering what he had done wrong that he was kept away from everyone. At six years old, Baekhyun wondered if he was a criminal. He would bang on the door until his hands were bloody and scream for someone to let him out. As time went on, he craved company more than anything. He loved when his teachers would come to his tower, and he tried not to be scared when they left. They didn’t like when he cried, that much he knew, so he tried to be brave in the hopes that they wouldn’t leave him.

Baekhyun told everyone that the Guardians saved him, but the truth was that they dragged him away kicking and screaming. Baekhyun was woken at sunrise by a commotion at his door, and when he sat up he saw the door open, the guards slumped over on the floor and three men with waxy skin and sunken eyes staring at him. He’d thought they were monsters, he screamed and tried to run, but they grabbed him by the arms and took him away. Baekhyun had forgotten most of the trip from the tower to the train, but he knows that he cried hysterically, and nobody tried to help him or explain anything to him. He has a vague suspicion that he wet himself, as children are apt to do when they’re afraid. But he didn’t tell anyone about that either.

When he got to the sanctuary, Baekhyun was determined to be normal. Normal children weren’t afraid of the dark, or deep water, or locked doors. Growing up, Baekhyun never locked his door. Not even when he was changing his clothes. As much as he used to crave company, he would cringe and flail away when people tried to get close to him, or touch him. Later Kai would tell him that that was probably because he’d basically been violated by the Guardians who took him away—they touched him without permission, restrained him when he tried to get away, and since it was the first physical contact he’d had in a while, it had affected him more than he realized.

The lack of stability in their lives hadn’t helped matters at all either. When he and his brothers finally moved into their new home, Baekhyun thought he would feel safe. He did for a while—things settled into a routine. They copied books, farmed animals, made cloth, tried to work technology, and they spent a lot of time together. They had campfires, they sang songs, they wrote their own books about their journeys, they confessed things to each other that they hadn’t before. They got so much closer, as friends and brothers. One night as they were taking turns talking, Baekhyun used his time to make his own confession.

“I’m not good at expressing myself,” he’d started, staring at his feet. “But I hope you all know that, even though I don’t say it very often, I…I love all of you a lot. I’m really glad that I have you as my friends, because…because I think I’d be really different if you all didn’t care about me as much as you do. So I’m just…really thankful for that.”

Baekhyun was glad he’d gotten to say that when he did, because shortly after that things started to go downhill again.

It started when Baekhyun volunteered to go to one of the old storerooms and get some more books for transcribing. He left the door open, but he forgot to put the stopper up to keep it from closing all the way, and a strong gust of wind blew the door shut, locking him in. As soon as he realized what had happened, Baekhyun ran for the door. He pushed and pushed, he slammed his shoulder into it, he beat his fists against it until he was bloody, but the door wouldn’t budge. He started to shake, his teeth were chattering, and all he could do was yell for help.

“Guys, guys! Can you hear me? Is anyone there? Someone help me, I’m stuck! I’m trapped, I’m locked in! Suho, Kris, Chanyeol! Somebody help me! Let me out! LET ME OUT!!”

He slammed his hands against the door over and over, he screamed himself hoarse, but he eventually realized that nobody was there and nobody could hear him.

Baekhyun didn’t remember what happened after that, but he was told about it later. He was only alone for about twenty minutes, though it felt like forever. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo went looking for him, and when they got the door open they found Baekhyun curled up in the back of the tiny room, his knees drawn up to his chest, rocking himself back and forth. He was crying and whimpering for help.

Chanyeol had rushed in and touched his shoulder gently, to get his attention, and Baekhyun lashed out, hitting Chanyeol hard in his chest, and started to scream—a high pitched, unbroken cry of absolute terror. Kyungsoo ran for help while Baekhyun screamed and screamed. Finally Kyungsoo came back with Yixing in tow, and Yixing had used one of his newly discovered gifts to knock Baekhyun out and take him to their hospital.

The incident had done something to Baekhyun, it seemed to have broken him in some way. In the process of trying to escape, Baekhyun had not only cut up his hands, but he’d broken several bones in them too. He wasn’t healing the way he usually did, and no matter how hard he tried, Yixing could not heal Baekhyun’s wounds. All Yixing seemed to be able to do was make him sleep, so he kept Baekhyun asleep for two days before allowing him to wake up on his own.

When Baekhyun did wake up the first thing he saw was Chanyeol sitting next to him, looking like he’d been crying.

“Hi,” Chanyeol greeted with a shaky smile. “Are you okay?”

Baekhyun smiled and nodded, but he didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer.

That was a month ago, and Baekhyun hadn’t spoken a word in all that time, nor had he used his gift. He’d tried halfheartedly a few times, but he didn’t want to. He just knew that it wouldn’t work. He’d been to see the Tree in that time, let it poke around in his head to find out where he was broken.

‘Nothing to fix, really,’ It proclaimed to Baekhyun and the eleven eavesdroppers. ‘Everything is working, technically, but there’s a disconnect somewhere. There’s really nothing I can do, because it’s mental trauma you’re suffering from. You just need time to heal.’ It sighed and wrapped Baekhyun up in love and comfort. ‘Poor darling. What a horrible thing to happen to you, then and now. You were only a baby, and my…my boys were so awful to you.’

Even though Baekhyun didn’t have a body when he met the Tree, he could feel it embracing him.

‘Just give him time,’ The Tree told the others, but especially Chanyeol. ‘Time, love, and comfort. Try not to leave him alone, unless he makes it clear that he wants to be alone. This is something that Baekhyun needs to work through on his own time, not something that can be hurried along.’

Baekhyun had been trying to take it easy, but the weight on his chest just wouldn’t go away. Baekhyun hadn’t felt this uneasy in a long time. He felt like there was a weight on his chest, slowly compressing his ribs. It was suffocating, and sometimes it hurt to breathe. He was so tired, but he couldn’t sleep because he was stressed out and so afraid of being alone. It hadn’t been this bad before.

Baekhyun kept remembering the way Chanyeol had sworn vengeance for him back when they had first discovered the increase of their power. Maybe “sworn vengeance” was a little dramatic but that’s sure what it felt like. And then later, Chanyeol said he wouldn’t seek revenge for Baekhyun, and Baekhyun hadn’t believed him but didn’t say it because he was tired of arguing. But now…now Baekhyun thought he might have been changing his mind about the idea of revenge. He had remembered something.

On the train to the Sanctuary, he’d woken up from a nightmare. He was disoriented and scared, finding himself in a strange room, the rattling of the train’s wheels loud in his ears, and it was dark except for the moonlight, which flickered in and out of shadows from the trees around the tracks. Baekhyun had started to cry, loudly, and eventually he began screaming for his mother. After a while a guardian came into the room and slapped Baekhyun across the face.

“Stop crying,” he ordered. He’d hit Baekhyun so hard that his lip split open and blood dripped onto his sheets. “You want your mother?” The guardian seized Baekhyun’s jaw and squeezed tightly, holding his head in place. He bent down until they were eye level, his teeth bared in a snarl. “Your mother didn’t love you. She didn’t want you.” He leaned closer. “I’ll tell you a little secret. Nobody loves you. You think they do, and then they betray you. They turn around and they find someone newer to love.” He let go of Baekhyun’s face and then shoved him back down onto the bed. “Now go to sleep. And stay quiet.”

Baekhyun couldn’t believe he had forgotten something like that. Maybe he remembered it in the beginning, but he guessed that along the way he’d shoved it to the back of his mind, convinced by the love from his friends that the guardian had gotten it wrong. But he remembered it now, and he could remember the face of the guardian who said that to him. Baekhyun wanted nothing more than to hurt that man. He wanted revenge.

That was perhaps the scariest part of everything.

Baekhyun was waiting for Chanyeol by the gate. Chanyeol had gone out to take care of the cows—something Baekhyun wasn’t allowed to do while his hands were healing. He sat by the large door, trying to meditate and failing. When the door creaked open Baekhyun leapt to his feet, already anticipating being back in Chanyeol’s arms. He was not disappointed.

“Hey,” Chanyeol greeted with a smile, petting Baekhyun’s hair. “What’s up?”

Baekhyun buried his face in Chanyeol’s shoulder, hugging his waist tightly.

“I missed you,” Chanyeol said, holding Baekhyun close. “I know I was only gone for what, two hours? But I still missed you.”

After a while Chanyeol pulled back. “Can I see your hands?”

Baekhyun held them out. In the last six weeks they’d healed nicely, he had gone from having several fingers and his whole hand immobilized to having one simple splint on his right hand, where his knuckles were still healing.

“Wow, they look so much better,” Chanyeol said. He lifted them to his lips and kissed each one of Baekhyun’s fingers. “You have such pretty hands,” he mumbled against Baekhyun’s uninjured palm. “Have I told you?”

‘Only about a million times,’ Baekhyun wanted to say.

“I’m sure I have,” Chanyeol said. “Anyway, I have to ask you something, and I want to do it in private. Can we go to our room?”

At Baekhyun’s nod, Chanyeol wrapped one arm around Baekhyun’s back and they started towards their sleeping quarters. Once they had gotten to their room Baekhyun dove into their bed, burrowing under their blanket until he was covered completely. He heard Chanyeol sliding the door shut and his heavy footsteps as he walked over to the bed. Chanyeol wormed his way under the blanket and cuddled up next to Baekhyun’s side. The light from their window was enough that they could see even with the blanket over their heads.

Chanyeol laid one hand on Baekhyun’s cheek, thumb lightly tracing his jaw. “I want to help you,” he said quietly. “I don’t really know how, but I want to try. And I have an idea, but I’m not sure how you’ll feel about it. Don’t feel like you have to say yes, okay?”

Baekhyun nodded and turned his head slightly to kiss Chanyeol’s palm.

Chanyeol smiled at him. “I want to take you away for a few days, to the other side of the city, so we can have some time with just the two of us. We haven’t been alone in a while and I just…I want some privacy. It has to do with my idea.”

Baekhyun raised one eyebrow.

“Ugh. I want to have a second honeymoon. Or first honeymoon. We never really got one to begin with, not a real one anyway, that trip to the beach doesn’t count.” He was babbling, Baekhyun could feel how tense he was, right down to his fingertips. “Does that sound like something you would like?”

Baekhyun smiled and nodded, and Chanyeol relaxed, returning the smile.

“Okay. I already told Suho and Kris that we might be leaving, I guess now we just need to make it official. When do you want to leave?”

Baekhyun considered it for a moment. Being able to get away, to have Chanyeol all to himself for a few days? He threw the covers back and rolled out of bed, grabbed his backpack and held it up, an eager grin on his face.

“Now?” Chanyeol asked.

Baekhyun nodded.

“Okay,” Chanyeol said. “Let’s go then.”

They said their goodbyes, packed a bunch of food, and set off. Yixing had given Baekhyun strict instructions to take it easy and not do anything to aggravate his injury. Baekhyun didn’t think he would, he wasn’t a fan of pain after all.

The two of them walked for a long time, pushing their bags along in a shopping cart. Chanyeol knew how to drive, and after a few hours they came across a decent looking car that Chanyeol managed to start. They drove for a few more hours, and it was long past sunset when they finally found a place in a small town outside of the city. There was a tiny little house on the corner of a tree-lined street. In fact it seemed like the house itself had a tree growing out of it, which Baekhyun thought was adorable. He tugged on Chanyeol’s arm and pointed at it.

“Shall we stop here, then?” Chanyeol asked, already slowing down. Baekhyun nodded, and he pulled the car towards the side of the road. Chanyeol did most of the unpacking so Baekhyun wouldn’t have to risk hurting his hands any more.

There was indeed a tree growing out of the house, but it was confined to the living room. The rest of the place was left untouched, even the mattress in the bedroom was in one piece.

“I remember Chen telling me that people started making chemicals that promised to keep insects out of mattresses and couches—apparently that was a problem for these people. Well, it looks like those chemicals worked.” Chanyeol said as he sat on the bed. “I’m kind of tired, do you mind if we just eat and go to sleep?”

Baekhyun was tired too, so he opened their bag of food and handed Chanyeol an apple. They had a little bit of cooked chicken packed into an icebox, and Chanyeol was able to heat it up nicely. After they ate they fell into their bed, curled up and went to sleep.

Baekhyun woke up to Chanyeol’s lips on his neck. Still half asleep, he let his head fall back and curled his uninjured fingers into Chanyeol’s hair, pulling him closer. Chanyeol rolled over on top of him, letting his weight drop down. Baekhyun gasped—Chanyeol was so warm, always so warm. Chanyeol pushed his hands under Baekhyun’s shirt, tracing his ribs and stomach. Baekhyun tightened his grip on Chanyeol’s hair and tugged him up for a kiss. He past Chanyeol’s teeth, rolling his hips up, smirking when he felt how hard Chanyeol was already. Baekhyun was always smug about how easily he could get Chanyeol riled up—it seemed like he could manage to do so even in his sleep now.

Baekhyun pushed at Chanyeol’s shoulders until he sat up, and then he straddled Chanyeol’s lap, kissing him again. Even with the added leverage Baekhyun was still only half an inch taller, but that didn’t matter, he could still push Chanyeol around if he wanted to. Baekhyun palmed Chanyeol’s crotch, heat pooling in his belly as Chanyeol groaned and bucked into his hand.

“Wait,” Chanyeol said suddenly, pulling back. “Baekhyun, I…” he hesitated, looking nervous. “I…can I tie you up?”

Baekhyun was a little surprised. Usually it was Chanyeol who ended up being tied up.

“Just at your wrists,” Chanyeol continued, spreading his fingers out over Baekhyun’s thighs, squeezing gently. “I want to take care of you this time around Baekhyun, and this is the only way you’ll let me do it. already you’re starting, I can feel it. And really…you never let me take care of you.”

Baekhyun wanted to deny it, but he knew Chanyeol was right.

Chanyeol sighed. “You really just…never let me take care of you, in any situation. I don’t know why. Do you trust me?”

Baekhyun nodded. Of course he trusted Chanyeol.

“I want this to be about you, about me making you feel good. I want you to be selfish, and to just take. Don’t worry about me for a change, let me worry about both of us for a little while. It’s okay to let me do that, you know.”

Baekhyun nodded again. He understood what Chanyeol was saying, he really did. If this was what Chanyeol wanted then Baekhyun should trust him.

Baekhyun shrugged off his shirt and then laid back down, holding his hands above his head. Chanyeol bent to give him a brief kiss, and then he stood, retrieved a long piece of cloth from his bag, and carefully tied Baekhyun’s wrists together, securing them to what was left of the bedframe.

“I guess we really can’t have a safeword,” Chanyeol said as he took off his own shirt. “But if you want me to stop, just like, kick me or something. You’re strong, you could probably throw me off even with your hands tied.” He smiled fondly. “My powerful husband.”

Baekhyun grinned, and then choked on his tongue as Chanyeol stood up and removed his pants. Chanyeol knelt between Baekhyun’s legs, and Baekhyun lifted his hips so Chanyeol could undress him, but Chanyeol pushed him back down.

“I’ll get to that,” he said, “Just give me a minute, okay?”

Baekhyun almost rolled his eyes, he’d never been one for , but before he could Chanyeol started kissing his neck again. Baekhyun arched like a cat, pressing against Chanyeol’s bare chest. He wanted to run his hands down Chanyeol’s back, dig his nails into Chanyeol’s skin and hear him hiss. Instead Baekhyun took deep breaths, trying not to get too excited.

Chanyeol kissed down his chest, over a . Baekhyun moaned, tugging fruitlessly at the cloth around his wrists. Chanyeol let his teeth scrape and Baekhyun gasped loudly—he could feel Chanyeol’s smirk.

Chanyeol took his time, seemingly trying to kiss every inch of Baekhyun’s chest. He slowly inched his way down to Baekhyun’s stomach, biting gently at his navel. Baekhyun was a mess, shaking and whimpering. He rolled his hips up, wishing that Chanyeol would touch him.

“You okay, babe?”

Baekhyun whimpered, pushing his hips up, practically off the bed. Chanyeol smiled.

“Okay, okay, as you wish.”

He finally helped Baekhyun out of his pants. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what he was expecting—it wasn’t for Chanyeol to crawl back up and kiss him again. Not the way they usually kissed, biting and trying to pin the other down, no, this was very sweet and gentle. As Baekhyun finally started to relax, Chanyeol slid one hand between Baekhyun’s legs and palmed his .

Baekhyun gasped sharply, throwing his head back. He hadn’t been expecting that. Chanyeol him slowly, mouthing at his neck. Baekhyun shut his eyes tightly and dug his heels into the mattress. He wanted more, he wanted fast and rough, and Chanyeol wasn’t giving him that. Chanyeol was slow and careful, deliberate in his gentleness. He kissed Baekhyun, over and over, Baekhyun couldn’t concentrate on anything else. He felt his building, and Chanyeol kept kissing him, murmuring against his lips—“I love you, I love you so much.”

Baekhyun threw his head back, gasping, and Chanyeol kept saying it, over and over, “I love you, I love you.”

Baekhyun let out a strangled cry as he came, and he ripped his wrists free of the cloth, immediately clutching at Chanyeol’s shoulders. His injured hand ached, the pain was jarring—but it was immediately forgotten.

“Chanyeol…” Baekhyun whispered. “Chanyeol, Chanyeol…”

“I’ve got you, I’m right here.”

“Chanyeol, I love you.”

Baekhyun was hoarse, his voice weak from disuse, not to mention that he was breathless from arguably the best he’d had in a while. Chanyeol kissed him and Baekhyun couldn’t help but to grin through it, even as he began to tear up. Chanyeol leaned back, grabbing his discarded shirt and using it to clean both of them up.

“Why are you crying?” He asked as he tossed the dirty shirt away.

Baekhyun sniffled, wiping his eyes. “I don’t deserve you.”

Chanyeol sighed. “Oh, Baekhyun…” He slid his hands under Baekhyun’s shoulders and pulled him into his lap. “Baby, we’ve been through this.”

“I know,” Baekhyun said. “I know but…Chanyeol I’m so bad at loving people. I’m so messed up and so broken and so bad at saying what’s on my mind. And you are so warm, and caring, and wonderful,” he sobbed, choking on the force of it, “I don’t know how you do it. You’re always taking care of me, you really are, and I don’t know how to repay you for that, because I just don’t know what to do.” He wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulder and sobbed into his neck. “And I am selfish. I feel so cold and harsh next to you, but I still don’t want you to leave me.”

Chanyeol rubbed his back soothingly, and he actually laughed. “Baekhyun. It has been a hundred years. I’m not leaving you. I never will.”

Baekhyun continued to cry. “Why? Why do you love me?”

“Because I know that there’s more to you than this,” Chanyeol answered. “You say you feel cold and harsh. I know that’s not all that you are, I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it enough to know that it’s there, and I know that when you find it, when you start believe that it’s there, and you are capable of being the person you so desperately want to be, it will be beautiful. I already love you as you are, Baekhyun. I will not love you any less if you cry on my shoulder again or if a hug makes you uncomfortable. I know you love me, even if sometimes it’s not easy for you to say it, I can feel it.” He pulled back slightly. “You always forget that you’re Light. I’m Fire, it’s true. I’m warm and comforting, but so are you.”

“You’re like the sun,” Baekhyun said quietly. “Or a star.”

“Then you must be a sun as well,” Chanyeol said. “And if that’s still too much for you to believe, then how about this,” he paused and kissed Baekhyun’s forehead. “You are,” He kissed Baekhyun’s nose, “The light,” he kissed Baekhyun’s cheek, “Of my life,” he finished with a kiss to Baekhyun’s lips. When he pulled back he held Baekhyun's hand and took the splint off of it. "Looks like you don't need this anymore," he said happily, kissing the back of Baekhyun's hand. "You're all better now."

Baekhyun laughed until he started to cry again, and Chanyeol held him until he calmed down. It started to rain and they both got cold, so they got dressed again and huddled under their blanket. Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol on top of him and kissed him. They were gentle, kissing just for the sake of being close. Baekhyun felt like they were going back to the days when they had just started their relationship, shyly making out in a sleeping bag under the stars, holding hands while they slept.

Chanyeol felt so much warmer now, Baekhyun could feel it under the blanket. He pushed the heavy quilt off Chanyeol’s shoulders, running his hands down Chanyeol’s back, and then up again—

There were two prominent lumps on Chanyeol’s shoulder blades, and it felt like they were moving.

Baekhyun pulled back. “Chanyeol—!”

Chanyeol sat up, his eyes wide. Baekhyun pushed himself up as well, and before he could say anything Chanyeol shrieked in pain and doubled over again. His shirt was stretched tight over his back, Baekhyun could see the skin on his shoulder blades rippling and he shut his eyes, terrified.

There was an awful, almost wet sound of something tearing, and then Chanyeol screamed in absolute agony. Baekhyun opened his eyes again just in time to see blood splatter the walls as a pair of wings ripped out of Chanyeol’s back.

I started writing out why I haven’t been around but it’s too long so I made it into a blog post. Read here if you’re interested— http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/849937 it has news about this story and the sequel.

The next chapter will be the start of the new God Gene arc and pick up where this chapter leaves off.

A very wonderful reader has made a fanart of Chanyeol getting his wings and you can all check it out here!