#47: The God Gene (Part 8)
OT12 centric

Suho wanted nothing more than to stay on this bed, curled up in Kris’ arms, and never move again. Kris’ body temperature had warmed up a lot recently—his dragon mark made it possible for him to create fire much in the same way Chanyeol could, but not quite as powerful. Suho was feverish and it probably didn’t help him to stay in Kris’ embrace all day, but it was what he wanted. He felt sick all the time, he wanted to sleep but he knew his nightmares would eventually wake him up, sometimes having Kris there was the only thing that kept him from losing it.

It was selfish of him, but Suho didn’t want the others to see him like this. He especially didn’t want Tao to see him—he knew that Tao was dealing with his own problems, he didn’t need this too.

“I understand now,” Suho said, managing to crack a smile.

Kris paused in adjusting the blanket he’d cocooned Suho in. “What do you understand?”

Suho looked up at Kris with tears in his eyes. “Why you never wanted Tao to see you in the Healer’s rooms.”

Kris brushed his thumb under Suho’s eyes, trying to wipe away his tears. “Why are you crying?” he asked sadly.

Suho grabbed Kris’ hand and held tight, as though he could absorb Kris’ strength through the gesture. “Remember when we were younger and you broke your wing? You were in the Healers rooms, and we all came to see you, and you didn’t want the younger kids to stick around and see you like that…” Suho could feel himself starting to break down and he struggled to keep his voice from breaking. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t chase them out. I’m finally understanding what it was like for you and I was so wrong…”

“No you weren’t,”  Kris said gently as Suho began to cry in earnest. Kris gathered him in his arms and Suho hid his face in Kris’ shirt. “You kept them there because I needed reminding that I wasn’t alone.”

Suho shook his head. “It was still wrong. I should have waited until you felt better.”

Kris sighed. “Why do I feel like I’m not going to convince you otherwise?”

“Because you won’t.”

Kris was playing with Suho’s hair, winding it around his fingers and curling the ends. Usually it calmed him down, but now Suho barely noticed it. “Baby, you know I love you, right?” Kris asked. “You know that you can tell me anything?”

Suho hiccupped and pulled back, keeping his eyes averted. “I…yes,” he lied.

Kris tried to scoot down and catch Suho’s gaze, but Suho closed his eyes. Kris sighed again. “What’s this awful thing you think you’ve done?”

Suho’s eyes flew open. “What did you say?”

Kris smiled sadly. “Did you think I didn’t hear when you asked if I would still love you, even if you’d done something awful? You fell asleep before I could answer, but of course I would say yes.”

Suho pushed at Kris’ arms and rolled over onto his other side, facing away from Kris. “You don’t know that,” he whispered.

“I do know that,” Kris countered, scooting closer. He wrapped his arm around Suho’s waist and pulled him close, leaning over to kiss Suho’s cheek. “You can’t chase me away,” Kris said quietly but firmly. “No matter what you do, or say, I will never stop loving you. You used to say that you never felt like I needed you, but I’m telling you now that I do need you, Suho.” His voice cracked and it was the worst sound Suho had ever heard. “I need you,” Kris repeated, “And I’m afraid that if you…if you keep whatever is bothering you bottled up then I’ll lose you.”

Suho opened his mouth to lie, to tell Kris that he was being absurd and that obviously wouldn’t happen, but instead Suho leaned over the side of the bed and vomited. Kris scrambled to help him, trying to hold him up, and Suho flinched away.

“Don’t touch me,” he croaked before gagging again. He was choking, his nose was clogged and he had tears in his eyes. He had nothing in his stomach to throw up, but that didn’t make him stop heaving. Suho couldn’t see or breathe, and for a moment he truly felt like he was dying. He stopped heaving after a minute and rested his head against the mattress, feeling, if possible, ten times more awful than he had before. He felt the blanket being pulled loose from his shoulders, Kris scooped him up easily, carried him into the bathroom and laid him down in the bathtub. Suho kept his eyes closed, but he felt a cloth wiping at his lips, and then another cleaning sweat and tears from his face.

“I have some water,” Kris said, “Open your mouth.”

Suho obeyed without much thought, drinking only because his mouth tasted foul. Kris pulled the bottle away, a few seconds later Suho felt Kris’ hands tugging at his clothes and he swatted at his hands. Kris sighed the faucet in the tub.

“Turn it off,” Suho moaned, kicking out and hitting the wall. He flinched and Kris groaned.

“Will you please stop?” Kris sighed. “You’re all sweaty, and quite frankly you stink. When is the last time you actually bathed? And I don’t mean wiping down with a washcloth.”

Suho couldn’t answer. He tried to gather his thoughts or even open his eyes, but Kris had turned the light on and it made his head ache. Suho tried to shield his eyes from the light and only succeeded in carelessly flopping his hand over his face. “Turn it off,” he said again, referring to the light and the tap.

Kris turned the light out, but continued to run the water. Suho could feel his clothes getting heavy, the water was rising to his waist and he started to panic.

“Kris, please,” he whispered, opening his eyes at last. He could barely make out Kris’ face, but it didn’t matter, he knew Kris could hear the desperation in his voice. “I’m begging you, turn off the water.”

Kris did as he asked. For a while they just sat, Suho trying to regain his breath, Kris trying to make sense of everything.

“What happened?” Kris finally asked. “Suho, please just tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

Suho closed his eyes again, feeling more tears slip free. “It’s my gift,” he admitted. “I…I’m afraid of it.”

“Why?” Kris pressed, cupping Suho’s face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. “Make me understand.”

Suho looked up, finally able to see Kris clearly, and seeing the concern and love in his eyes just made Suho want to cry even more. “I can kill people, Kris,” he whispered. “I’ve been dreaming about it. It’s all I see,” now that he had started talking, he was finding it impossible to stop. “I dream about creating these huge tsunami’s, and I dream about drowning people in their own lungs and hearing them choke to death, and I stand there and watch and I do nothing to stop it…” He broke off sobbing.

Kris lifted Suho up slightly, pulling him into a tight hug. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, clutching Suho close to him. “All this time you’ve been going through this alone, you’ve made yourself sick over this, I could have helped you!”

“How could you help me?” Suho demanded, his voice rising and echoing sharply in the small room.  He forced himself to lower his tone. “This is what I am now, this is—”

“This is what Kyungsoo said to us,” Kris said sharply, pulling back. “Remember? He asked how we expected to be able to help him, and you felt so awful because all you wanted was to make him feel better? Damn it, I knew this was about your gift! You think I didn’t recognize the signs? I was waiting for you to tell me because I didn’t want to force it out of you…” He paused, carding his fingers through Suho’s hair. “And look where it got us. Where it got you.”

Suho felt his lip quiver and he bit down on it. “Do you hate me?” He asked after a minute.

Kris let out a sound that was supposed to be laugh, but ended up a sob. “Of course not,” he said as he started to cry. “Didn’t I just say that I would always love you? Why would I hate you?”

“I lied to you,” Suho whispered. “I made you worry. I’m…I’m a killer.”

“You think you’re the only one?” Kris asked incredulously. “Suho, if you go by that logic then we’re all killers, a hundred times over! We have been since we reached maturity! Chanyeol could have burned any number of people to death, and it would be so easy for Lu Han to drive someone insane or Chen to electrocute someone, but they didn’t! Just like you won’t kill anyone.” He his fingers down the side of Suho’s face, and the gaze he fixed Suho with was nothing but loving. “Being strong doesn’t automatically make you dangerous, it’s what you do with that strength that determines what you are. You know this, Suho, I know you do. How can I hate you for this?”

“I hate myself,” Suho answered in a small voice. “I don’t want to hurt someone. And I’m afraid that it will happen by accident. That someone will threaten one of us…and I’ll just snap.”

Kris shook his head. “I believe that you’ll do the right thing. I have faith that you’re stronger than that, and if you aren’t then Tao or myself or anyone else will stop you.”

“Would you really be able to do that?” Suho asked.

Kris smiled, helping Suho lean back against the bathtub. “If I can’t, then I’m obviously not paying enough attention to you. You think I don’t know how to stop you in your tracks by now? I’ve been by your side for over a hundred years, you know.”

Once again Kris started to pull Suho’s clothes off. “You really need to wash up,” he said again.

Suho felt his face heat up with embarrassment. “I know,” he muttered, pushing Kris’ hands aside to undress himself. His clothes were so heavy with water that his arms actually shook from the weight. Kris noticed and called him out on it.

“You also need to eat.” He fixed Suho with a serious look. “We’re going to work on this, you and I. I’m going to try to help you get to a point where you aren’t scared of yourself anymore, but first you need to get well again, and I’m going to help you with that as well.”

Suho looked down, trying to hide the fact that he was crying again, but nothing got past Kris.

“Do you want a tissue?”

Suho laughed and covered his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I keep crying…”

Kris touched his fingertips to the backs of Suho’s hands, and Suho pulled his hands away from his face to meet Kris’ gaze. “It’s okay,” he said, and that was all he said, but it made something break in Suho, and he started to cry for real. It reminded him vaguely of Kyungsoo when he finally allowed himself to feel all the pain he’d pushed aside. Suho cried so hard that his throat went raw from his sobs, until all he knew was Kris’ arms wrapped around him, holding him close. After a while he became aware that Kris was speaking, crooning the same words over and over.

“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.” And Suho believed him.

Xiumin gaped at Kyungsoo like he’d grown an extra head. He, Kyungsoo and Yixing were all in the same house, and it felt like Kyungsoo had just dropped a bomb on the place.

“You’re going to help Kai?” Xiumin repeated.

Kyungsoo nodded. “That’s the idea.”

“But why?” Yixing asked. “Last week you told us that you really didn’t care either way.”

“I had a change of heart,” Kyungsoo admitted, “But that’s not why I’m doing this.”

“It’s not?” Xiumin and Yixing chorused.

“No,” Kyungsoo said patiently. “I believe that the Guardians need to answer to this, but I also think that what Kai and his crusade needs is someone who is not quite as passionate as they are, do you know what I mean?”

“No,” Yixing said.

“Sort of?” Xiumin said hesitantly. “Basically you’re a spy.”

“A mediator,” Kyungsoo corrected.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not it,” Yixing disagreed.

“I’m pretty sure it is,” Kyungsoo said loftily. “But anyway, the point is that I’m going to make sure nobody gets hurt without reason.”

“Without reason?” Xiumin echoed.

Kyungsoo nodded. “Well if one of them attacks us first, which is highly unlikely I know, but in that case I wouldn’t stop Kai or anyone else from retaliating.” He hesitated. “Sehun agreed to help Kai, and I know he’s doing it for Lu Han. And Chanyeol…he’s angry, more than you would expect him to be.”

“How do you know this?” Yixing asked, sounding both awed and confused.

“I have a gift for this sort of thing,” Kyungsoo shrugged. “Kai and Chen have each other to lean on, and I truly believe that Tao doesn’t want to hurt anybody. Sehun and Chanyeol are the time bombs, and someone has to be there to keep an eye on them.”

“But would you be able to stop them if it came down to it?” Xiumin demanded. “I’m not just talking about them being your brothers, Kyungsoo, I’m talking about in terms of strength.”

“I’ll be able to,” Kyungsoo said with certainty. “I know I will. I have some tricks up my sleeve, things I haven’t told anyone.”

“Why?” Yixing asked, sounding disappointed. “Don’t you want to tell us?”

Kyungsoo hesitated. “I don’t know, it feels like…we’re all a little too close. Like we have no secrets. I don’t know about you two, but I feel like I need to have something to keep to myself, especially when it comes to my gift.” And he knew both of them could hear the possessiveness in his voice when it came to his gift.

“Okay,” Xiumin sighed. “I can understand that. I just want to know that this is your choice, Kyungsoo.”

“It is,” Kyungsoo assured them.

Jongin watched Kyungsoo leave, still reeling from the shock of what his older brother had just told him and Jongdae. A few minutes after the door shut behind Kyungsoo, Jongdae sat on the bed next to Jongin and looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“He’s hiding something,” Jongdae said suspiciously. “I don’t like it.”

“I know,” Jongin replied. “He wants to keep an eye on us. It’s pretty obvious—”

“Not just that,” Jongdae cut in. “It’s something bigger than that.”

Jongin rolled his eyes. “Oh please, we’re all hiding things.”

“Even you,” Jongdae said darkly.

Jongin turned to face his husband and cupped his cheek gently. “I have my reasons, love. You know this, I’ve said a million times it’s not just my secret to tell—”

“It’s something to do with Tao, isn’t it?” Jongdae cut in again. “That’s why you keep going off with him.”

Jongin wanted to smile, but he knew Jongdae would get angry if he did. “Is that jealousy I hear in your voice?”

Jongdae blushed and turned away. “Not the kind of jealousy you’re thinking about.”

Jongin brushed his fingers up and down Jongdae’s bare arm. He was wearing a thin tank top, and Jongin’s fingers left goose-bumps in their wake. “Why are you jealous then?” He asked.

Jongdae refused to look at him. “He has a part of you that I don’t, that I can never have. Your gifts are pretty similar after all.”

“Sounds to me like you already know what we’re doing,” Jongin said mildly.

“Experimenting with your powers,” Jongdae said. “I just haven’t decided for what. There’s a lot of possibilities, and you’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“Tao doesn’t want me to,” Jongin said defensively. “I owe him his privacy—this is harder for him than it is for me, you know.”

“You’re entirely too nice,” Jongdae sniped.

Jongin scooted closer and rested his head on Jongdae’s shoulder. “If it works, I’ll tell you. Right now I just don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. This thing that we’re doing could be a real game changer, Jongdae. I’m not ready to talk about it, not even with you.”

Jongdae sighed and held out his hand, palm up. Jongin took it, lacing their fingers. “I suppose I should trust you,” Jongdae muttered.

“You don’t have to,” Jongin said. “I won’t stop you if you try to figure it out, but I will remind you that there it a bigger picture to be looked at.”

“Fine,” Jongdae sighed. “I’ll remember that.”

Suho hadn’t wanted anyone to see him, but that didn’t mean that they all didn’t find out what was going on. It was hard not to when Tao had a habit of crying in public.

“It’s really scary,” Tao admitted as the ten of them crowded around a small fire, Kris and Suho locked away by themselves. Tao had only recently come out to give them an update on Suho’s condition, and Yixing had the distinct impression that Tao was about to say more than he had been told to.

Tao went on in a hushed tone. “He’s scared of himself. Of what he could do if he ever…lost control.”

“Suho could never lose control,” Sehun piped up. He sounded so tired, resting limply against Lu Han’s side. “He’s never lost control once, not even during puberty, I remember.”

“It’s different now,” Tao whispered. “He’s afraid he’s too strong.” He eyed Kyungsoo. “You already threw off the block the Tree put on you.”

“The block was weak,” Kyungsoo interjected. “Because I was weak. It was strong enough to stop my powers before, but not strong enough to keep them off. The Tree could block me again, it would just need to use something stronger.”

“Even so, it’s scary to think about,” Tao said. “What if we got even stronger than the Tree someday?”

“That’s not possible,” Xiumin said, but those were empty words now. The group lapsed into silence.

Yixing’s brain worked in odd ways. He could go for a long time without a clear thought, but every now and then a burst of clarity would hit him like lightning, and he would see the world the way (he’d realized) he should have from the very beginning. This time, Yixing started to laugh, only barely managing to clap his hands over his mouth in time to muffle it, but everyone noticed anyway.

“What is your problem?” Baekhyun asked, not at all judging, more incredulous.

Yixing pulled his hands away from his mouth. “All this time,” he said, still breathless with laughter, “I was afraid because I thought we were becoming like Gods.” He laughed again. “We were so strong, I was so strong, I was raising the dead! And we’re all just so powerful, we’re impossible! We shouldn’t exist, but here we are, and we’re not gods!”

The smile slipped from Yixing’s face just as quickly as it had come, and his eyes filled with tears. He looked around the circle, feeling like he was really seeing his family for the first time in years.

Kai could puff up his chest all he wanted, he was still just a little kid who was afraid of being abandoned. Chen talked a good game now, but he still clung to Kai like he was afraid of losing the one truly good thing in his life.

Baekhyun seemed to exhale exhaustion, and Chanyeol followed him around like a lost puppy because he didn’t know what to do to help, and they might never understand each other.

Sehun was out for blood, but he too was like a child in the way he thought revenge could bring Lu Han all the way back. Lu Han, with the faraway look in his eyes replacing his bright optimism, Lu Han who still hated himself.

Xiumin was just tired—it dripped off him like water, seeping into his every movement. It went beyond a need for sleep, he was tired of being torn between his family and his morals. Kyungsoo could act like he wasn’t fazed by the return of his gift, but in reality he was a mess of nerves.

Tao was afraid for everyone, but mostly himself, Kris and Suho. Their relationship was so young, and Suho was so ill, and Tao was caught in the middle after years of being babied, without a clue as to how to care for Suho now.

Kris was giving his all to Suho, so afraid that he would lose not only his fellow leader but also his best friend. And Suho just wanted everything to be alright, whatever that was. Because when had things ever been truly alright?

When Yixing looked at his brothers, all he saw was the same bone-deep exhaustion that came from wandering a planet for decades.

“We’re not gods,” Yixing repeated bitterly. “We’re a bunch of scared, tired kids, that’s what we are. However we ended up here, whoever’s fault it was, we can’t change the fact that we have no idea what we’re doing. We don’t have a home. We don’t belong here.”

There was a stunned silence, broken only by Tao’s occasional hiccups. Finally they heard Kris speak from behind them.

“Then maybe,” he said slowly, and they all turned to see him standing there, Suho propped up on his arms, weak but his fever obviously broken.

“Maybe,” Kris repeated, “It’s time we make our own home.”

And that’s the end of this arc! The God Gene story line has finally ended! We can get back to our regularly scheduled fluff! But wait, you say, this author doesn't write fluff...Well now I do! The next drabble is going to pick up where this one leaves off but it's going to be a lot more light hearted and focus on other things besides incredible powers, and I also have plans for some group bonding stories as well as a visit back to when the Guardians were still young.

Also, I have posted the responses to my "Ask the Author" session in my blog (http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/667065), so check that out if you want to!