Lu Han-centric
Continuity-Throughout Chapters 2 & 4 and drabble #1. If you haven’t read the story from the beginning in a long time, you might want to reread those chapters.

I used to believe in forever,
but forever's too good to be true.
I've hung a wish on every star,
It hasn't done much good so far.
I can only dream of you,
Wherever you are.

Lu Han knew what it was like to lose someone he loved—he knew it from when he was seven years old and taken from his family. The thing about Guardians was that they were never meant to spend much time with their families, they were meant to be outcasts and easy for the matrons to come and pick up. But Lu Han’s case was special, after the Sanctuary had been contacted and Lu Han realized he was a Guardian, after his family realized he was a Guardian, things changed. Then the train tracks washed away in a storm and suddenly Lu Han was stranded at home for an indeterminable amount of time. In that time he got closer with his parents and older sister, and he even thought he was starting to love them. They acted like a family, they ate together every night and even played games sometimes. It was like the whole family had breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that they hadn’t made Lu Han weird, he had been born to be special. And then Lu Han had to leave just as he started to feel like he belonged. He got another family in the process, and he also got the love of his life, but there was a part of him that always missed his real family. He knew that pain, which was why he hoped his own friends never had to experience it.

Chen was screaming, Kai was yelling for someone to come help him with the control panel, Kris was desperately trying to get their navigation screens back online, there was an alarm screeching and a red light flashing throughout the ship. Lu Han didn’t know much about this hunk of metal but he knew they were going down. He reached out and grabbed Sehun’s hand just as the ship collided with another asteroid.

“Just hold on!” Sehun yelled as eleven screams of fright rang out. “We’ll make it through this, we’ll be okay!”

Another collision and Baekhyun shrieked with pain as his head bounced off the side of the ship. His grip on his security handle went lax and Suho scrambled to hold him up.

“We have to evacuate,” Lay cried. “It’s the only way!”

“No!” Kris hollered. “If we leave now we’re definitely dead, there’s too many asteroids!”

Lu Han choked on tears and clutched Sehun’s hand tighter. The ship was too big to be maneuvered through these flying rocks, they barely knew what they were doing. Lu Han knew he could help, but he knew what it would cost him. He could see his life flashing in front of his eyes, from his first memory of throwing a rock without using his hands, to Tao reaching out to him, to Kris hugging him in his wings, to his first kiss with Sehun, to the moment he and his brothers left their home. Lu Han could feel himself panicking, he didn’t want to die, but he wanted to spare Sehun and his brothers and there was only one thing he could think of that would make that happen.

“Sehun,” Lu Han cried, feeling bile rise in his throat. “I need you to promise me something!”

Sehun looked up at him. “What is it?”

Lu Han refused to let himself cry, he didn’t want Sehun’s last memory of him to be of him crying, and he didn’t want the last thing he saw to be Sehun worrying about him. Lu Han forced himself to smile. “Promise you won’t let go of my hand!”

Sehun did better, he wrapped his arm around Lu Han’s waist and held him close. “I’ll never let you go again as long as we live,” he vowed.

Lu Han felt a sob rise in his throat and he swallowed it, pulling back slightly to give Sehun one last kiss.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he thought as the tears finally slipped free. ‘I’m so sorry I’m leaving you, Sehun. I love you so much, I love our brothers so much. I want you all to live, even if means I won’t be with you. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me, I never wanted to hurt you…’

And then he buried his face in Sehun’s neck so Sehun wouldn’t have to see his scared expression, took a deep breath and started to make the asteroids move out of the way.

The pain was excruciating, but Lu Han forced himself to keep going. He could feel his sanity slipping, feel pieces of himself start to break off as his mind fractured apart under the pressure of moving so many heavy objects. He forced himself to repeat his brothers names in his head, to remember who they were.

Lay, Tao, Kris, Chanyeol, Suho, Kai, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Chen, Xiumin, Sehun.

Lay, Tao, Kris, Chanyeol, Suho, Kai, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Chen, Xiumin, Sehun.

Lay, Tao, Kris, Suho, Kai, Chen, Xiumin, Chanyeol, Sehun.

Tao…Kris…Lay…Suho…Kai…Sehun…Kris…Baekhyun…Sehun…

It hurts…

Tao…Kris…Sehun…Chanyeol…Baekhyun…Sehun…Kyungsoo…Sehun…

Sehun…

It hurts too much…I can’t…

Sehun…

I’m sorry.

“Lu Han…”

There is no Lu Han.

Yes there is.

“Wake up!”

Why do you sound upset? Who are you?

“I know you’re in there!”

There’s nobody in here…where is here?

“Talk to me!”

Who are you? Who am I?

“I’ll cut myself, I swear I will!”

Don’t…don’t hurt yourself…

Who are you?

Who am I?

I’m sorry…

Why am I sorry?

Who am I?

“Lu Han, please…it’s me, Sehun, I’m your husband! Please talk to me!”

I want to go over there…what’s on my hand? Who is holding me?

“Lu Han, please…can’t you just look at me? Please, please just look at me, just once…”

I don’t know you…but I should. I want to…I want to go over there…who are you? Do I know you?

“I love you, I love you so much Lu Han! Please come back to me, I can’t do this without you. Please Lu Han, I need you! I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t realize what you were doing, I would have stopped you…I never even said goodbye…oh Lu Han, I’m so sorry. P-Please…come back to me…”

You shouldn’t be sorry, I should. I’m sorry, I…I…I want to go over there…who are you?

What am I?

Is there an ‘I’?

What is it?

It’s me…What is ‘me’?

There was someone…someone I cared…

There was…

What’s that?

I am real.

What is 'real'?

“Lu Han, can you hear me? It’s Jongin…do you remember me? Listen, Sehun needs you. He’s hurting really badly and I…I can’t watch it anymore. It’s hurting me, too. Hyung…Lu Han, I’m not ready for this, I’m so scared, I think we’re all alone here, nobody is coming for us and we can’t leave…what if we’re stuck here forever? But it’s just me…Sehun’s almost as Lost as you are…he barely talks to me anymore. Lu Han if you can hear me, if you can understand me then please say something, anything so I know that I’m not alone!”

I want to…I want to help you…but I can’t…why can’t I?

“Lu Han…”

I can’t…

“I knew it. I really am alone…what am I going to do? I’m so scared…”

Why…

What’s wrong with me?

Help me.

This is wrong…this is so wrong…

Help me.

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

“Sehun, let him go. You need to go look for something to eat, I can’t do it today.”

“I can’t leave him.”

“I can’t move! My ankle is killing me, please Sehun just go.”

“What if he wakes up and I’m not here?”

“DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? HE’S GONE, SEHUN, HE’S GONE!”

“DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE FOR ME, YOU WERE NEVER IN LOVE!”

Don’t fight…don’t yell…you’re hurting me…

What’s going on?

Where are we?

…we…there’s a ‘we’ now…there were more…

There were…

Who are you?

I don’t know…

Yes you do.

I do?

Yes. You loved someone once.

Who?

You know.

I don’t know…

Yes you do.

I do know…I do.

You…you’re new here. I don’t know how I know that but I know you’re new.

Who are you? Do I know you?

“Lu Han! Can you hear me? It’s Tao!”

You know me.

I know you.

You talked to me…you came up to me first. I taught you about the Guardians.

The Guardians…

I’m a…

I know you. You’re…

Your name is Tao.

“Hello, Tao.”

I know who these people are.

I remember them.

We were together when we were children…

Why were we together?

Because we were Guardians.

The Tree…it gave us gifts.

I could move things.

I shouldn’t have moved things.

I did something bad.

I hurt a lot of people.

What have I done?

You loved someone once.

I did?

Yes. You still do.

I love someone? What is ‘love’?

You know what it is. It’s the best feeling in the world. It takes over you. It’s throwing everything you have into another being and trusting them to keep it safe.

It sounds wonderful…

It is.

I’m a Guardian.

Yes you are.

The one I love is also a Guardian.

Yes he is.

I’ve known him for a very long time…he’s very strong, though he has his moments of weakness. Most of them connected to me. He was a bad liar, he once lied and said he didn’t know how he felt about me.

That’s right.

He had a speech problem when he was a child…he got over it because he wanted to talk to me.

Yes, that’s true.

I fell asleep in his arms every night for a long time.

I talked to him about everything.

I hurt him.

I left him…I left him alone.

I’m so sorry, Sehun.

Sehun…

I love you…

Sehun…

Lu Han hyung…I love you so much.

I love you too, Sehun-ah.

Will we be together forever?

Of course we will.

I love your smile, Sehun. I love how when you hug me, you hold me almost too tight, like you’re determined to keep me from leaving your arms. I never want to leave your arms. I love you, Sehun.

Sehun…

I remember everything. I remember it all, Sehun…

“Why are you crying?”

Sehun laughed sadly. “Because I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Sehun looked up, his eyes wide. It was dark and his face was in shadow, Lu Han could barely see Sehun’s face but he knew it well enough that it didn’t matter. He was sitting in Lu Han’s lap, his hands gripping Lu Han’s shoulders.

“Do you know what that means? Do you know what you’re saying?”

Of course I do. How could I not?

“I do. I don’t know how to say what it means but…I remember I said it to you a lot. I remember how it made me feel—how it made you feel. I remember that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I remember that you cried the first time I said it, because you were scared that we wouldn’t stay together, and I told you that I would never hurt you.” Lu Han gently pulled Sehun’s hands off his shirt and twined their fingers together. “But I think I did hurt you. I’ve been making you cry. I don’t want you to cry anymore, Sehun. I said I remember how you made me feel, and you still make me feel that way. I called it love before, and a lot has changed since then, but…but I think it’s still called love. So yes, I do love you.”

When Sehun started to cry again, Lu Han wanted nothing more than to kiss his tears away, and he did. He started by kissing Sehun’s cheeks, then just under his eyes, then his nose, but Sehun only seemed to cry harder.

“Please don’t cry anymore,” Lu Han begged, holding Sehun’s hands tightly in his own. “Please Sehun-ah, you suffered enough because of me, and I’ll spend a long time making it up to you, but please don’t cry anymore…I’m so sorry…”

Sehun gently pulled his hands out of Lu Han’s grasp and cradled his face. “I’ve waited so long to hear you say my name,” he gasped. “I’m so happy right now, you can’t even imagine…”

“I hurt you,” Lu Han choked. “And I’m so sorry I did, Sehun…I just wanted you to stay alive, I didn’t want to hurt you…”

Sehun leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Can I kiss you?” He asked quietly, brushing tears off of Lu Han’s cheeks.

Lu Han nodded, and their first kiss in nearly eight years was just as warm and sweet as he remembered.

Title & opening lyrics taken from the song "Wherever You Are" by Barry Coffing and Vonda Shepard. You can listen to it here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGIaR03tmLU)

This drabble is also called, "Boy when I make 'em cry I really turn on the water works." I have never in my life cried so much when I was writing something. Not for any of these drabbles, not for the original story, not for any other fic I have ever worked on. This just takes the cake. I really debated posting this…but it had to be done. I owed it to the relationship dynamic that I created for HunHan in this story, and I wanted to explore what it would be like for Lu Han to be stuck inside himself while he was Lost. He was aware of what was going on around him but he could not react. I also did a lot about this from Sehun’s perspective and I actually haven’t had too many Lu Han-centric drabbles, and again I wanted to explore a little with how Lu Han must have felt right before he tried to save everyone even though he knew it would hurt him.

In case you’re wondering, during those little conversations, the lines with quotes are what other people are saying to or around Lu Han. Mostly Sehun, but Kai and Tao are there too. If you remember back to the original story it won’t be hard to figure out who is talking. And yes, Lu Han is having conversations with himself…or he’s having conversations with something inside of him. Part of me likes to think there was a piece of the Lu Han’s consciousness that was unaffected—something the same magic that gave him his gift could have latched onto and kept safe to try to coax him back to how he used to be.

THERE WILL BE A HAPPY WEDDING NEXT DRABBLE, I PROMISE!!!