The past few days, she seemed to become more and more quiet. There were times she’d just look outside then would sigh from time to time. I wanted to ask her. For her to share her misery with me. To assure her that I am here. But then, whenever I remember how she behaves when Jaejoong is with her, I can’t help but be envy again. But then again, I already promised. That I will stay by her side no matter what. And that even if I try to leave, I just can’t. I keep on thinking about her. I keep on missing her. It’s painful. And sometimes it felt wonderful. So I am already contented.   

I still read her diary. It’s just that, there are times I skip some parts. Most of the time, it’s because my heart is being torn apart by how she writes her moments with Jaejoong lovingly.

Then I decided to just read the other one. Most of it were about her and Ah In and Yeon Hee. And ME. I don’t know how I ended up in her diary, but it got me started reading again. Only to get disappointed again that she sees me as Yeon Hee’s guardian. I hate it. At the same time, I felt useful for her.

I closed her diary. Then something strange dropped from it. It was a piece of paper, almost torn. Maybe it was crumpled before. Maybe she tried to dispose it and decided not to.  

I opened it. Then I found myself reading Ah In’s letter.

It wrote:

Sand, I’ll be leaving to America. Okay it’s not my style to write. Errrr I don’t know what to write. Okay. I’ll cut the crap. Take care. Also don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m fine.

P.S.

I know you like your poet. Don’t deny it. Don’t think too much or I won’t forgive you.

SHE LIKED ME BEFORE. Is it for real? Then I get a glimpse of hope.  

She still felt miserable. She still hates seeing the day, the feeling of the rays of sun touching her skin, the way she thinks her adopted parents thinks of her, the way they look at her, EVERYTHING. Life, her existence seems to be meaningless. All she wanted to do is close her eyes. And then never to wake up again. But then, day after day, she wakes up. Jaejoong visits her. Jiyong visits her. Ah In and Seungyun calls her during their free time. Her adopted parents, Bom, they still act as though everything is fine. As if they really care for her. But that’s not how she interprets it.  She sees it as them pitying her. That they are just guilty and it is their responsibility. And then one day, just like before, everyone will eventually get tired of her. And that they will all LEAVE her. Because she is unwanted.  

She walked her way to the office. As she walks the hallway, she saw lots of patients like her. Out of their mind. But then she knew, somehow, she is different, because unlike them, she knew what is happening. And that she has already found her wits back. Maybe, she can even write her novel again.  But at that moment, all she wanted to do was get out of that place. Stop from being the nuisance she already is and was. Then live somewhere far, far from everyone. And turn a new leaf since she can’t possibly dare to take her own life.

“I feel fine.” she started. “I no longer need this rehabilitation.”

The Doctor looked at her in awe. His face shows disapproval. “I think you need to rest.” he answered with full authority.

“Doctor, I know what I am saying.”

“Young lady.”

She looked back at him. She focused on his blazing eyes. “I am Sandara Park. I am a novelist, my bestfriend is Yo Ah In. I am living with my adopted parents. Do I need to say more?”

The doctor smiled. Then shook his head. “No. No, you see, it’s best for you to stay here and get your disposition right, then maybe you can go.”

“The longer I stay here, the longer I’ll get sick.”

The doctor seemed somehow moved. He bit his lips before giving her a question, “Then tell me, why are you here?”

Dara lood at him. She smiled, a loop sided one “I got shocked after gaining my memory back. But I am fine now.” 

“I see.” The doctor paused then added, “Your parents will be happy if you get discharged. They love you so much. Ah, even your friends, is that Mr. Kim and Kwon?”

Dara twitched. Love her. She felt sick. She felt like screaming at him, that he is wrong. But she knew he is testing her. So instead she answered rather calmly, “Yes. It’s going to be good news for everyone.”

However the doctor noticed her brief reaction. He smiled, “You’ll going to be discharged. But you still need to have weekly counselling.”

Dara looked at him. “Thank you. But...” she trailed.

“You don’t want to come back here?”

She nodded. He gave her a calling card. A referral. She smiled. That day, she promised not to come back to that place again. And not to even get a glimpse of that blazing eyes ever again.