Her question is answered. The kiss. Or maybe not. But the bigger part of it remains a puzzle. “I loved you since forever.” She remembered him clearly say it. Her heart fluttered. She felt overjoyed. Yet part of her felt uncertain. Not about Yoona. Not about Seunghyun. Yes she is indeed selfish. She admitted it. What felt uncertain for her is that “since forever” part. Where did it start? At their first meeting in the cemetery? Or maybe before it. She remembered him saying that she knew her before that. And she doesn’t like the feeling of it. Remembering the past. For her it means another nightmare. Another painful struggle, even if she doesn’t know the reason, she still doesn’t like it. She doesn’t want to go back and remember her past. But the person who said that he loves her is claiming to be part of her past. And she is likely fond of that person, or maybe she has gone even further than just being fond of him. She loves Jiyong.

It is not a foreign feeling anymore. She has loved. She has been loved. But then again she has been left. She has waited. Then she has been scarred. And she has been deeply hurt. Like a scaredy cat that she is, she is scared. She is scared that she is again inlove. And that she might get hurt. She has no courage yet she can’t control herself.  

####

I am excited for today. I know it is not a date. But still, I am going to spend the day with Dara. She hasn’t replied yet but the conceited me felt that it might be mutual between us.

The thing between me and Yoona is not bugging me.  We have been seeing each other, but it’s not official. The thing that makes me uneasy is Seunghyun. I know he likes Dara, and I’m quite intrigued as to what Dara feels for him. She confides in him. It also seems that she tells him all her worries, her uncertainties, and the years they have been together, I can’t fight that. It’s funny when I said I wanted to stop being foolish, here I am again trying to gamble. I know I might get scarred, but I am just foolish because I just wanna be with her. This is killing me. This cheesiness early in the morning. Aish.

“Thinking of being lovey dovey?” it’s Dami.

“You startled me.”

“Give me a chance.” she mimicked me while hugging herself.

“You... you heard!”

She chuckled. “Just that part... I excused myself to give you soooome space. So, did something good happen after that?”

“Nothing! We are going.” I stormed out embarrassed my cheeks red as tomato.

This is our last tour around our place. Since its holiday, we decided to take a tour around the school. From elementary, to middle high and then to senior high.

We enjoyed the tour. As usual she kept on taking pictures here and there. The atmosphere around us is still awkward but one thing for sure has changed, the awkwardness was not from uneasiness or from hatred, it’s because we are both conscious of each other. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. Ah, I’m a sissy. I should seriously stop this.

I parked my car near my families friend’s house. 

“Wanna try touring around in a bicycle instead?” I encouraged her.

“Won’t it slow us down?” she doubted the idea.

“We are not in a hurry and it’s romantic this way.” I winked at her.

She sat still unwilling to move. I grabbed her. That’s when she sheepishly burst out, “I don’t know how to ride one.” For a moment I looked at her and then I just let out a smile before forcing her into the bicycle I rented, “Who said you’re going to ride one, you’re going to ride on mine.” I winked again.

The smell of her hair blown by the air as we ride the bicycle felt nice. From time to time, I felt her soft skin brush against mine as I manoeuvre the bicycle. Now I felt thankful that even though she can’t give me a back hug since there’s no passengers sit and she is seated in front.

“Wanna visit my old school?” I asked her. Only to realize that maybe I shouldn’t have asked that but I’m just too excited I just said it on impulse.

“Haven’t we taken a tour around the school already?” she asked.

“Ah, I studied in a different school; it’s quite far from our area.” I explained.

“Okay then.”

As we go on, she was mesmerized by a big house. Then she asked me to stop for a while. Just then I realized whose house it is, the former mayor’s house. So Eun’s house.

She gaped at how big the house is. Unable to resist herself, she took some pictures of it.

“It’s a pretty house.” she murmured.

“Yeah.”

“It’s really beautiful.” she continued on admiring it.

I saw a familiar old lady looking at us from inside the house. The old lady went out and approached us l staring at Dara. Dara on the other hand felt started at the kind of look she is giving her. And then the lady gave us a warm smile. I realized who the lady was. Nanay, the one who took care of So Eun.

“Have you been well?” she asked pertaining to Dara.

Dara looked at me her eyes full of question and then back to the old lady. Even though she is taken aback she tried to answer in a polite manner. “Ah, yes thank you.”  I heard her voice slightly cracking so I gave her hand a squeeze.

“Still beautiful as ever,” the lady commented, and then she continued, “wanna come in and have some tea?”

“Thank you. We are actually on our way we just took a little stop, maybe some other time.” I refused for Dara.

“I see.”

I pedalled slowly. From the rear view mirror, I can see that the old lady is still looking at us. Mostly her focus is on Dara. On the other hand, Dara is on her own little world. She is still unable to speak. I don’t know how to comfort her either.

“Sorry about that.” she suddenly broke the silence.

“Ah, fine. I’m getting a little used to it.” I joked. And I heard her short soft chuckle.

“The old lady, she seems to know me.”

“Umh.”

“You know her?”

I didn’t answer for a while, thinking she might make some noise again just like the other time.

“She seemed nice. I’m feeling sorry that I didn’t recognize her.” she answered in my stead.

“Yeah she is.” is all I said.

The ride became light again. She seemed fine again. Then I felt the need to rest so I stopped at a nearby bench. She offered me a bottled water to quench my thirst. She got up after she has just been seated and gathered her camera.

“Where are you going?” I asked her. When I turned around I finally get the reason why. Just behind us is Ah In’s house. I felt really curious. She really seemed to have forgotten but then it seems that she kept on looking at familiar houses or faces. What bugs me is that, whenever that happens, she would then soon be shaking in fear.

“I think we are in my friend’s house.” she said.

I looked at her. I really don’t anymore. “Are you sure?” I asked her.

“Maybe.” she smiled.

She fished for her phone and took a photo of the house. She looked at me and then she said, “I forgot. Inah lives in here. I should have asked him.” She shook her head and then added, “Oh, but then he’s always busy.”

I just sighed at that. How come she still knows Ah In. “You still know him?” I felt my voice rose. But then she did not hear me. She is already on the phone.

“I’m near your house.”

“With Seunghyun’s friend.”

“For my novel. Finally.”

“Why? I’m safe. I’m fine.”

“You worry too much.”

That’s all I catch from her conversation. She seemed so cheerful and I hate it. I am really puzzled as to how she erased everything from her memory but not Ah In. I felt my breathing tighten.

Just then the door of the house opened.

“Auntie!” Dara waved.

We entered the house. Dara’s low spirit has been lifted. I just remained silent. She kept on talking about the house, about Ah In. But I can’t comprehend it all. I just studied her. Now she is all smiles. Shi*.

The one she called auntie gave us something to eat. She offered it me and I just accepted it.

“Feel at home.” her auntie said and then left. Thinking about it she seemed like a house keeper.

Dara lead me to Ah In’s room. She really knows her way around the house.

“This is our hide out.” she enthusiastically announced. Looking around the room there is no trace of pictures of Ah In and Dara displayed around just like how it used to be. There’s just one. Their picture together, the one wherein Dara looked so gloomy in a patients wardrobe, her hair in a mess and Ah In in his all bravado, shirtless.  

She noticed me looking at it.

“Ah, that was when I was in medication.”

“Medication?” I asked her.

“Yeah. It’s kind of related with me forgetting some parts of the past.” she shrugged.

“But you remembered Ah In.” I almost whispered.

“He is a childhood friend. Just like Seunghyun maybe. But they don’t hit it of well.”

“You come here often?” I asked her.

“No. It’s part of my treatment.”

“But you seemed to know your way around here.”

“Ah, that, pictures. Ah In sneaked it out whenever he visits me in the hospital. It’s not allowed. He is really rebellious. He said he want me to remember it. Oh, you seem to know him too.”

“Yeah.”

“You seemed bored should we go?” she asked noticing my foul mood.

I just nodded.