“She’s a mess.” It’s a text from Yuri.

I felt stupid thinking that she’s cool with it. Of course she’s not. I am really sorry that I used her.

I rushed at the address they send me. There I found Yoona drinking alone. The image I am seeing is far different from how I have always seen it. I am really sorry, but I just can’t help myself. I am still unable to open my heart to anyone else.

“Hey.” I greeted reluctantly.

She turned to look at me. Her eyes were all red. “Oh. Its you.” she gave me a half smile.

She stretched her hand with a glass of wine towards my direction and pouted.

I accepted it. I watched her as I sip it. “Sorry.” I whispered.

She just pouted. “I hate you.” she whispered to herself but I still heard it clearly. “Is she that great?”

I did not answer for a while, while she played with the wine she has not been sipping since I came.

“No.” I replied.

“Then why?”

“I don’t know myself either.” I sighed.

She looked at me, her eyes cold but serious. “Can’t I hold on to you?”

I don’t know what to say. I looked at another direction afraid of looking at her. Afraid of seeing her get hurt to what I am going to answer. But I can’t bring myself to say anything or explain either. I am a fool. I hate myself at times like this.

“I guess I need to let you go.” she sipped her wine then added, “Yuri told me that it is hard to fall in love when you are still attached with your past, and I heard, she is like your first love.”

I don’t know how she got the idea but I did not ask her. “Something like that.” I bowed my head. This time I am the one who sipped from the glass of wine. So I could wet my drying throat.

She pouted again, “You can’t let her go, so I am the one who is going to let go. Just this once can I slap you?”

I just nodded. I closed my eyes waiting for her to slap me but it didn’t come. Instead of a slap I heard her faking a laugh.  

“It’s going to be difficult to let you go but I will. Soon I will fall in love for real, this time with someone who is going to love me back. You just wait and see.”

When I opened my eyes, she is already on her way out. At that place I am left alone. Her words lingered on my head. That’s right, I can’t let go. I thought I already have but I always fall back to her. I just wish Yoona wouldn’t be the same with me.

Everyone around are having the time of their life. From time to time, random girls would ask if I could join them. I just let them but I don’t give them a single glance. I just finished my wine and left.

It’s already dark. And before I know it, I found myself at the asylum. I walked my way to Dara’s room. The room is lighted dimly. I gently opened the door and what welcomes me was Jaejoong singing for Dara to sleep. She was looking at him. Just looking at him.  Then from time to time, she would glance at the star shaped light emitted by the sky blue lampshade. They are...

I closed the door without making any noise and went back to my car. Tears started to well from my eyes. It could have been better if I just learned how to love Yoona back. Maybe I won’t feel this pain anymore. It is always like this. Why can’t it just be me? It’s always another person. If it’s not Ah In then it’s Jaejoong. But I can’t turn back now. For the last time, I’ll try winning her. And then let go when it’s not really going to be me. For the last time. Really.    

I don’t know how long I have slumped near Dara’s door. A small sound woke me up, and then I saw Jaejoong walking out of the room. He seemed to be in a foul mood dragging his feet while he noisily made his way out. I watched him as he go until darkness consumed him. I dried my tears and walked inside her room.

Dara is soundly asleep. Even in her dreams she is still hurting. She is not wailing just like when she is awake but her tears keep on staining her face. Maybe it’s the reason why Jaejoong left. Her tears. I wiped her tears for her. With that, she moved slowly just like a child. I can’t help but smile at it. Then I got a bit startled as she grabbed my hand while mumbling, “Don’t leave.”

I hold on to her too, kissed her lightly on the lips and whispered, “I won’t. Never even if you ask me too.”