Really, she thought, humans couldn't be more complicated. She pressed her hands against her chest and dug her invisible fingers in to wrapped around her heavy heart. It didn't dull the odd ache but pressed a sigh as she tries to succumb to sleep. Her mind was a whirlpool- a mess of feelings, jumbled chains of thoughts and flooded with unnecessary worries. 

In all honesty, there was so much irony that Taeyeon doesn't know what she wants or what to do with herself at this point in time. She gripped on to the hopes of getting back what she had let go- a deep, gut-wrenching, churning of emotions and she thought, ah, I really miss that. And at the back of her head, it tells her to let it go and chided her endlessly for her weakness- a painful nagging voice of how things lead to where it is today. There were regrets that etched themselves permanently in the depths of her heart. It is going to stay with her longer than she expected and it will haunt her longer than she wanted it to. She clenched her fingers tighter around her heart and whispered, "Stop it, you stupid thing. Stop aching already." It reminded her that she is only human and human, she wished she isn't. 

Really, Taeyeon sighed again; humans are honestly complicated with feeling like nostalgia and constantly doubting what they really want to have- couldn't but can, wouldn't but want, shouldn't but somehow ache to clenched it so tightly in their fists.

Why wouldn't anyone just take a leap, pull themselves out of the misery and lay their honest thoughts for all to see? 

The irony is that she is one of those- almost forgetting that pride was always in the way. And pride was a great partner to doubt, hand in hand with insecurity, a family to guilt and a cousin to painful memories. It is always easier said than done because baring yourself is as good as stripping oneself for all to see in public- barren flaws, imperfection, and miserable scars becomes a topic of jarring, distasteful jeering. 

Good grief, Taeyeon wiped a stray tear and chuckled to herself silently in bed. She breathed, albeit tediously along with the weight on her chest, but she needs to stay alive. She is a wimp but she is a survivor because Taeyeon knows that she has a long way to go. She formulated the mess as much as she could into words, working her fingers furiously as she typed- a heart a little lighter, enough to fill her lungs with the much-needed oxygen. There was a small smile that graced her lips and Taeyeon released the hold on her heart. Tomorrow will be a new day and the raven-haired girl chanted her nightly ritual.

I don't need anyone, she lies to herself. 

I like being alone, she tells herself. 

It's going to be okay, she goes to sleep with the persuasion that eased her mind just a little that night.