Kim Taeyeon is an extroverted introvert.

Often, Taeyeon preferred the confine of her room and there will be music that always comforted her. Taeyeon enjoyed solitary activities  within the four walls from simple mobile games to handicrafts. However, in her state of mind these past few weeks, her energy was spent wallowing in her own thoughts. She would let them run without restraint, she would let her worries overwhelm her and she thinks until her head throbbed mercilessly against her skull. It would be just her and the suffocating darkness in the room. Darkness was comforting and sometimes, Taeyeon could be her inconsolable self without pitiful glances from her members.

Occasionally, Taeyeon seek the company of others. Taeyeon had the habit of categorizing things; from work, to people, to music. She would look for Hyoyeon for a good laugh, Yuri for a quick workout plan and there was Sooyoung for the latest snacks raid. Taeyeon confided in Sunny exceedingly, being the one she trusted most with her honest concerns. Sunny was capable of helping her restructure her incoherent thoughts into proper explanations and for someone like Taeyeon, it was a burden off her shoulders. There were times when Taeyeon felt powerless and she needed the presence of someone to keep her afloat.

Today, Taeyeon craved a mixture of both but she settled on the former when she was greeted with the silence as she stepped into the dorm. Wordlessly, she kicked her sneakers off and wandered hazardously in the dark. She found her way into the room, grabbed her set of lounge-wear from the dresser and wandered into the shower. She flinched when the light poured in the room and halted in front of the mirror. She noticed how fragile, exhausted and pathetic she looked in the mirror. Taeyeon shook her head, hastily threw on her pajamas and crawls into bed. She grabbed her phone and browsed through her playlists. There is a playlist for her insomnia, playlist to hype up her mood, playlist when she needs encouragement and then there is a playlist when she misses her best friend. She couldn’t decide on which playlist she needed when the darkness had set her brain in a turmoil so she hits shuffle and let the music soothe her exhausted soul.

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Taeyeon fell on the mattress with a groan. It was three in the morning and Taeyeon found her body craving for rest but her mind was wide awake.

Endorsements, fan sign, albums preparations, events, schedules, keeping healthy and then Tiffany.

Taeyeon rubbed her temples, a headache forming from the exhaustion. She immediately missed the warmth of her little pup and felt a tinge of guilt for neglecting her pet lately due to her busy schedules. She quickly typed a message to her brother, asking for a picture of her beloved Ginger. She dropped her hands to her sides after the message and stared blankly at the ceiling.

Tiffany was the biggest of her apprehension lately; the girl was broken and remorseful after her mistake that she had made on her social medias. Tiffany’s heart was shattered after the merciless insults and Taeyeon shouldered the pain with her best friend. Taeyeon would naturally shield Tiffany and defend her but the netizens had made a point which Taeyeon could not refute. She knew how Tiffany secretly creep on her social medias and how the selfless Tiffany still took it upon herself to check on her fans. Tiffany was big-hearted and Taeyeon was not inclined to let her bear that alone. She possessed the obligation as the leader so she took it in her stride to put a stop to their social media hiatus. Her managers were enraged with Taeyeon’s impulsive act but the matter was resolved with the positivity from the public. She subtly included Tiffany in her social outlets to reassure fans about Tiffany’s condition. Needless to say, Tiffany was extremely grateful and were more reliant on her since then.

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Usually, Taeyeon would love the sound of rain pelting against her window. It lulled her to a serene state of unconsciousness but tonight, Taeyeon laid awake with the thoughts of Tiffany. She had an exclusive meeting with executives and Taeyeon could not wait to break the news to her members. However, the thought of Tiffany back in public’s eye; so vulnerable and fragile made her worries multiplied tenfolds.

Stephanie- Now Tiffany, had been a significant figure to Taeyeon’s overwhelming life since she was 15. A source of motivation, a pillar of strength, her happiness. Tiffany shared the same passion as her for music and she was drawn to the girl’s boldness when she first heard about how she left States alone to pursue her dreams. She admired Tiffany’s resilience, courage, positivity and cheerfulness; some traits that Taeyeon wished she possessed. Taeyeon knew Tiffany at the back of her palm. Boisterous, sociable and dynamic, Tiffany was really fragile behind closed doors. Tiffany relied on her and Taeyeon welcomed their mismatched personalities with open-mindedness and molded their inseperable friendship.

Tiffany was a handful and Taeyeon struggled to keep up but Tiffany was understanding. Their bond was remarkable and Tiffany was the friend that Taeyeon was really grateful for. They had their share of ups and downs but despite all that, Taeyeon found herself helplessly more attached to Tiffany compared to the other members.

Tiffany announced Taeyeon as “Her Bestest Best Friend” which made Taeyeon beamed in pride. It drew the duo even closer with the exclusivity and Taeyeon revealed more of herself to Tiffany. However, there were times when Taeyeon found herself extremely distracted with Tiffany’s presence on screen. She would let loose; she acted the way they would in private but when she spotted cameras, her mood took a sour turn. She remembered her image as a celebrity, her profession and reality wouldn’t let her be in her own skin. Tiffany never had the problem; she wore her heart on her sleeves but Taeyeon is heavily guarded.

Taeyeon wondered if things would be less complicated if she labelled the feelings she has for Tiffany. Tiffany made her felt secure, genuinely happy, comforted but sometimes annoyed, frustrated and so very perplexed. She loves Tiffany. Sure, Taeyeon loves all her members but there is always something more when it comes to Tiffany which she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She shudders at the thought of being “in love”; the feeling of free falling, the giddiness then sharing her personal space and shouldering another person’s life.

Then again, is it really love? What love really is, Taeyeon is simply too exasperated to find out.

Still, Taeyeon wondered if it would be easier if she admits that she is in love with Tiffany, but there are so many things that Taeyeon knew was not easy. She resides in Korea, she is a celebrity, both their careers bared them in public and Taeyeon; Taeyeon always believed that Tiffany is worthy of someone better than her.

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The members collapsed in laughter when Hyoyeon exaggeratedly reenacted an incident that happened backstage during her stage in a variety show. Taeyeon cleared and the mood mellowed when they remembered the main purpose of their impromptu meeting. Taeyeon’s patience was wearing thin from her own fatigue. Sooyoung was the first to break the silence.

“So, what is the verdict from manager oppa?”

“Tiffany is given the permission to perform. After all, it’s been a month.”

Taeyeon broke the news and they were all watching her.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea…”

Yuri trailed off and Taeyeon clenched her jaw. The members broke off to their own hushed discussion and Taeyeon breathed deeply. Count to 10, Taeyeon. She exhaled and leaned into the coach, defeated with her own impatience .

“I think we should talk to Tiffany unnie and let her decide too.”

Seohyun voiced and the members naturally stared at Taeyeon for confirmation. She sighed; the reminder of her responsibility as the leader suffocated her. Taeyeon motioned for Seohyun to get the girl from her room and Tiffany was seated on the ground within a minute. Sooyoung noticed Taeyeon’s reluctance and volunteered to explained the situation. Taeyeon could not read Tiffany’s expression from where she was situated.

“Sure, let’s perform together. All of us. It has been a long time.”

Tiffany lifted her head enough to flash a smile and excused herself, shoulders trembling. Sooyoung bolted after her. Yuri again, disagreed with the decision after Tiffany’s reaction. Taeyeon shook her head.

“I think we should all perform as a group. You heard her. She wanted it too. I want her to perform with us, all 8 of us.”

“Taeyeon, you know the netizens are not very welcoming towards her yet. She’s going to get hurt again.”

“I have checked. It has died down pretty much. It’s time she get out there and own the stage, again.”

“But Taeyeon-”

Sunny stopped Yuri before she could protest again.

“I’m sure Tiffany know what she is getting in to. Let’s trust Taeng okay? I know you love Fany but Taeyeon loves her too. Taeyeon knows what she is doing.”

Taeyeon smiled in gratitude when the members muttered her agreements and retreated back into their rooms. The stress devoured her whole and Taeyeon started to doubt her persistence. Sunny smiled at her with understanding and Taeyeon fell apart in the warm arms.

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Taeyeon tugged at the hem of her outfit, checked her microphone and pulled at her outfit again. She exhaled loudly; she was always sighing and she felt a warmth palm patting her gently on the shoulder. She forced a smile at Yoona and looked away. She could tell concern apart from pity and she couldn’t tolerate people showing her sympathy. They threw her the responsibility of being the leader and her pride wouldn’t allow their charity to make her anxiety worse. A headache was forming and her ears were buzzing with the commotion around her. She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes.

It has been a while since they last performed as a group. What if she forgot her lyrics? What if her dance moves were wrong? What if she misses the beat? And what would the netizens comments with Tiffany’s appearance again? Will Tiffany get hurt again? And what if, and and and- Tiffany.

Her thoughts stopped so abruptly when the arms wrapped around her waist tightly and she breathed in the faint smell of shampoo mixed with hair spray. She had memorized that bold display of affection and scent by heart. Only Tiffany. She sighed again, feeling the tension leave her body and squeezed the arms around her gently. Her eyes fluttered open to gaze into brown mesmerizing ones. Tiffany was good at hiding her emotions behind her smiles but she had been associated with Tiffany long even to notice that the girl was terrified. Tiffany despite her cheerful demure, was only human too.

“It’s okay, Taeyeon-ah. We’ve got this.”

Tiffany said reassuringly and Taeyeon nodded dumbly. She exhaled sharply when Tiffany excused herself for a final round of check before the stage and Taeyeon noticed how her skin was tingling. It was a good kind of tingling; it crawled under her skin and she forgot what was she was worried about to began with. A chin landed sharply on her shoulder, startling her. She smiled and leaned back into Sunny who welcomed her with a hug.

“You know, sometimes, I wish I know what you are thinking about.”

Taeyeon laughed and lightly nudged her.

“Sometimes, I wish I know too.”

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Taeyeon heaved a sigh as her exhausted body molded itself on the hotel’s bed. The performance went smoothly today and Taeyeon wanted nothing more than silence right now. She loved the stage, she loved singing, she loved performing with her members, she loved the fans and interactions. But after a day of smiles, attention and interactions; Taeyeon just wanted nothing to do with people at this moment. Taeyeon needed to recharge.

“Taeyeon?”

For the love of God. Taeyeon wanted to ignore Tiffany for knocking at her door for the past few minutes. Headaches were not new to Taeyeon and it was hammering against her skull with the unceasing ruckus. She sighed and rolled off the bed. Taeyeon seek solitude tonight and Tiffany was ruining her personal time. She opened the door with a frown.

“Yeah?”

Taeyeon could not ignore the sudden throb in her chest at the sight. She pulled her lips into a line, trying to look annoyed but they betrayed her when Tiffany locked gaze with her. It’s ridiculous how someone could look stunning in nightwear, and in a color that Taeyeon detest with a passion.

“Taetae?”

Taeyeon’s heart thumped against her chest and she pulled Tiffany with her as they settled on the bed. It has been a while since Tiffany used that nickname and like a trump card; Tiffany used it only when she had an urgent favor to ask Taeyeon. Taeyeon had specifically told Tiffany once with annoyance not to used that on screen with the reason that “It is personal“. It made her 25 years old then extremely conscious, embarrassed and bared in public. Tiffany abide without other questions.

“Can i stay with you tonight?”

Taeyeon already knew what she wanted the moment she welcomed her into her suite. It was a bond built over the years and they easily understood what each other wanted without words. Like how she could easily tell Tiffany wanted to say “Can we have American instead of Chinese? I kind of want pizza.” with a crinkle of her nose at dinner tonight. ‘You didn’t had to ask‘, Taeyeon wanted to reply but she hummed in response instead.

Taeyeon gingerly wrapped her arms around when Tiffany huddled close to her.

“Taeyeon, I-”

She caught the edge in her voice. Taeyeon knew what she was thinking about. Her voice was raspy and Taeyeon knew it was one of the night Tiffany was broken and vulnerable. Taeyeon pulled Tiffany closer when she buried her face in the crooked of her neck.

“Let’s see what response the public has okay? It was amazing! You did great during the performance and the people-everyone like-”

Taeyeon flailed her free arm in the air and Tiffany laughed. Words always had a way of eluding her in Tiffany’s presence. Tiffany tighten her arms around her waist.

“You know what i’m thinking about.”

Tiffany whispered and Taeyeon let herself chuckle at the comment. The scent of the freshly showered Tiffany lulled her into a drowsy state, her body exhausted and her headache faded to a steady pulse against her temples. She let her fingers mindlessly draw circles at the small of Tiffany’s back. Skinship was not a rarity in their friendship.

“You know…”

Tiffany lifted her head and smiled at her. Taeyeon brushed her fringe aside.

“…you know me the best. I know i don’t say this much b-but…”

Tiffany choked on her words and Taeyeon saw tears b behind those eyes. Tiffany did not like being interrupted when she spoke so she nudged Tiffany on with a smile. They had made a promise to be more expressive with their feelings and she knew Tiffany had been trying to. She leaned her chin on the crown of Tiffany’s head.

“Thank you for being with me this period of time. I’m really glad to have you.”

Taeyeon kissed her hair. It didn’t matter to Taeyeon how stressful her career had been; how strung up her life was; how incoherent her thoughts were. She had Tiffany and she was Tiffany’s. Tiffany needed Taeyeon and Taeyeon needed Tiffany, too. Taeyeon felt undeserving for she had nothing to offer; but in Tiffany’s eyes, Taeyeon found all her worth. Not just as a singer, nor her talent, not as a leader, not for her beauty, not as the Taeyeon of Girls Generation. In Tiffany’s eyes, she was Kim Taeyeon of Jeonju. Taeyeon smiled genuinely.

“You’ll always have me, my bestest best friend.”