I think that Hoya got the idea that I was mad at him. How did I know? Well, one, he kept texting me and asking me if I was mad at him - of course I didn't reply - and two, he made more effort to visit halmeoni more often in the hospital, of which I would politely excuse myself from the room and sit in the hospital church where he couldn't find me.

Was I avoiding him? Well.....yes. I wasn't really sure how to talk to him or what to say after what happened at the steakhouse. The atmosphere between us was nothing but awkward and I felt upset at myself for allowing it to be this way. For not swallowing my pride and fear to just tell him how I felt so I could get on with my life. I was scared that once I told him, he would either pity me or become more awkward toward me. So I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to burden Hoya with the knowledge of my feelings.

One day, I was busy playing temple run on my phone on a Saturday that I didn't see Hoya walking in. And it was too late to excuse myself to go somewhere. I tried to make my escape but Hoya walked up to me and grabbed my shoulders and shook me rather violently.

"Hana!" I looked away, scared. "Why are you avoiding me?!"
I didn't answer him. I was fighting back tears and biting my lip so I could taste blood.
"Answer me!" He replied angrily. Scary Hoya scared me. "I said I was sorry! Did you not get my texts?! Why are you so stupid? Naive?"
I looked up at him. Is that what he thought I was?
"I'm not - " I argued back.
"Hana, you're driving me crazy. Why are you avoiding me? LOOK AT ME!"
My lip was trembling.
"Hoya, I love you!" I screamed at his face in frustration.

I looked around, wary of the noise i had just made. All the staff in the hospital were divided. Some were trying to eavesdrop on our conversation. Some were hissing and growling at us for making such a racket in the ward.

Hoya was taken aback. "Oh, um, Hana, I love you too?"
He said it more like a question. My heart was in my throat. Why did I blurt it out? Especially when I had promised myself to take it to the grave? I didn't want him to think that I loved him just because he was an idol, because it was way more than that. I wasn't that shallow, and I hoped he understood.

My palms felt clammy at my side. It was now or never. The words were already out, floating around in the air like a toxic gas.
"Hoya.....I'm in love with you."
My heart stopped. Nothing would ever make it better again.
Hoya didn't need to say anything. Tears crept from the corners of my eyes as his expression froze. Hoya didn't even need to utter one single word and I understood. I understood from his shocked, disgusted and surprised expression that he didn't feel the same way as me. In a way, I was also relieved. No more living in the half zone. I could move on with my life now I had gotten it out of my chest.

I held back a sob and dashed past him out of the room. I needed to get out of there before I felt like I would collapse.