Hoya gripped my hand tightly as we walked together into halmeoni's room. As soon as we stepped in, a noise came out of me that I couldn't control; it was a mixture of fear, sorrow and shock all in one.
 
Halmeoni was lying in the middle of a deathly white room. There were tubes and needles stuck all into her flesh that pained me even looking at them. I felt Hoya stiffen beside me and grip my hand tighter. I looked up at him and I saw his eyes were full of tears too. Halmeoni was just....lying there. There was no other explanation except she was looking blankly at the ceiling and not acknowledging our presence. Did she even know we were in here? I remembered what the doctor had told me and suddenly I felt very weak at the knees.
"Halmeoni?" I breathed. "It's Hoya and Hana....."
No response. Tears leaked out of my eyes and I buried my head into Hoya's chest.
 
"Excuse me? Are you relatives of Park Eun Hae? May I speak with you two outside?"
I wiped my eyes quickly and stepped outside with Hoya.
"There's no easy way to put this, but - " He paused. "She is brain dead."
 
My knees wobbled. I walked weakly over to the chair and sat down, no longer able to stand up. My legs felt like jelly and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. Brain dead? What did that even mean?
 
 I could hear Hoya talking in hushed tones to the doctor, constantly glancing at me to make sure I was okay. I gave him a grimace, trying to say that I was okay.
 
"Should we go in to see her?"
I looked up at him.
"If you want," I breathed.
"Come on. It'll be okay."
Hoya grabbed my hand and gripped it tightly, bringing me into a hug, which only brought more tears into my eyes. I love you so much, I wanted to scream at him. I love you with every fibre of my being, and I wish you would be mine. I wish you would wake up and realize that what you're looking for has been here has been here the whole time!! But of course he was blind, because that's how it always is. It was my stupid decision to fall in love with him, and now I had to live with it everyday, eating and clawing away at my heart.
 
"Halmeoni....." Hoya whispered as we entered her room. The nurses bowed and walked out, leaving us alone.
"Halmeoni, it's Hoya." He reached out and gripped her hand. "I came down from Seoul this morning, halmeoni." He sniffed and wiped his years quickly. "Can you hear me, halmeoni? I'm here! It's H-hoya....." He sobbed. Halmeoni was lying there, looking expressionless at him, not registering where she was, who he was or who she was.
 
I came next to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Hoya stood up and walked to sit down by the door, trying to control his emotions.
"Halmeoni," I tried. "It's me, Hana." Her eyes trailed toward the flowers on her bedside table, the other direction to where I was standing.
"Can you hear me?"
She stared at the ceiling, eyes unblinking.
"Hana," I heard Hoya say. "Let's go for a walk."
He placed his hands on my shoulders and steered me away. "My family will be here soon."
 
Despite all the doctor said and all his warnings about halmeoni's collapsing lungs and her weak heart, she made it through the week. Through the month. Through the year. Hoya visited as often as he could during his trainee period, which was often once a fortnight. Halmeoni now had a
full time carer that was with her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week that never left her side. I visited her everyday, often neglecting my studies just so I could be by her side.
 
I wasn't even sure if she knew who I was. If she knew of the effort and sacrifices I had to make in order to be by her bedside everyday. But what does that matter? Halmeoni had done so much to help me when I moved here, knowing nothing except how to harvest a field of wheat. She helped me get settled for school, taught me how to cook meals, how to do tai chi and most importantly love what you do, and do what you love. It was the one thing I would never, ever forget that she taught me. I would always go about my life living it to the fullest, knowing that halmeoni was bedridden and unable to speak, I would live my life knowing that she would be happy to see me flourish and grow. I had once promised her I would become a nuclear engineer and help Korea establish a nuclear field. She told me to be careful of radiation and to stay away from her once I was exposed, but she always told me that as long as I was happy, so was she. My eyes filled with tears once again and my heart wrenched painfully in my chest.
 
"Halmeoni, open your mouth please, eat a little porridge - here - "
I reached over and opened a little and gently placed the soup spoon inside and tipped. It dribbled down the side of her chin as she looked helplessly up at me with her grey eyes.
"Please, halmeoni, swallow......this is your favourite porridge, remember, your Sunday special breakfast we would always have after tai chi? Century egg porridge?"
She looked at me with her blank eyes. I brushed away my tears and tried to distract myself by turning on the TV.
"Look, halmeoni, it's Lee Seung Gi on Strong Heart! And look, it's Sungjong, Hoya's friend! And Tiffany from SNSD!"
I tried to sound cheerful but watching Sungjong on the TV made me realize how long Hoya had not come visit for. A year? A year and a half? It had been a long time since that dreaded night in the hospital where we thought halmeoni was going to die.  It had been almost a year since Hoya debuted in a new group called Infinite, as I knew, as lead dancer, rapper and singer. They were doing extremely well for a rookie group too, winning awards on the music shows, having their own variety show and guesting on many talk shows.
"Which rookie group has been catching your attention lately, Tiffany-shii?"
She giggled.
"Infinite. Its good to see them working so hard!"
"And your favourite member?" Kang Dong Ho pestered slyly.
Tiffany blushed a little before answering. I very well expected her to say L or Woohyun, as I found them to be the most handsome, but to my surprise she answered Hoya.
 
My heart did a little funny somersault in my chest. Wow! Tiffany of SNSD likes Hoya! My Hoya from Busan, who always takes the pickles out of his hamburger. My Hoya who liked everything mango flavored but would not eat mango. My Hoya who could eat sushi everyday and not be sick of it. My Hoya, who was the ladies man at tai chi every morning when I first met him three years ago.
"Halmeoni-ah, did you hear that? Tiffany from SNSD chose Hoya as her favourite member from Infinite!"
Blank eyes.
"How cool!" I trailed off, lamely.
 
My heart did another funny jump in my chest. If Tiffany chose Hoya as her favourite, then what chance did I stand against her? Obviously, little or no chance. It was SNSD, for god's sake. Was I out of my mind? I sighed and stood up, beginning to clear away the dishes scattered around halmeoni's table. I wasn't even allowed to call him 'my Hoya'. He wasn't even mine, and he was far from it.
 
"Wow." A voice sounded from behind me. "I'm her favourite member?"