In Which We Were Walking on Our Path

Yoon Bomi

I was walking aimlessly in the middle of crowded night.  My eyes fixed on the ground where I stepped on while my brain went somewhere and refused to find its way home.  The news of Chorong unnie willing to go abroad made my mind paralyzed.    I knew I had already let her go, but knowing that she would not be around my sight anymore was not I expected to be.  I always missed her.  I always addicted to seeing her every single day.  Having her away from me would make me suffocated.

I stopped in front of a building which was familiar to me.  A building which once been the source of my happiness.  A building called home, where I could find the warmth and shared the love.  The love which lived inside my heart and would never leave.

I hesitated to enter the building.  Chorong unnie and I had agreed that we already over.  There would not be any romantic relationship between us.  We broke up.  I let her go.  Because I was a coward.  Because I was a loser.

I turned my heel to leave the building, but the urge to see her, asking for the truth of the news, got my step rushing into her apartment.  I arrived in front of her unit and hesitated to press the password.  I already left the place and it was not my home anymore.  I should come as a guest.

Mulling for a while, I finally gathered my courage to ring the bell.  No one answered.  I repeated, and it seemed like she was not home yet.  I waited beside the doorway, sitting on the floor while hugging my knees.

I almost fell asleep when I heard the sound of the lift opened.  I looked up to the direction and saw Chorong unnie stepped out of the lift.  I saw her a bit flinched when she looked at my direction.  I got up and waited her approaching.

“What are you doing here?”  She asked coldly when standing in front of me.

“I am waiting for you.”  I simply answered.

“What for?  We already cleared all the things up, Yoon Bomi.”  She raised her voice.

“Are you going to US?”  I blatantly asked.

She stilled, avoiding my eyes.

“Why?”  I continued.

“For my future.  For being better.  Like what you’re wishing me for.”  She replied firmly.  Her gaze pierced on me.

“Do you have to go there for being better?  Can’t you just stay here?”  I said in pleading tone.

“Why do I have to stay here?  You said you want me to be better and get a good future, I am on my way to earn it.  There is nothing I can do here.  You already took my happiness.  Living here will only make my heart hurt more and more.”  She snapped.

“You can still find happiness here.  You don’t need to go there.”  I took her hand and brushed the palms.

“Do you forget that we already broke up?  Whether I am here or be anywhere I want, it’s none of your business.  This is my way to get better.  You have no right to object any of my decision.”  She said.

“I want you to stay.  Around my vicinity.”  I said firmly, rendering her to grimace.

“What?  You want me to stay?”  She snorted and let off her hands.  “You left me and now you ask me to stay?  I don’t understand you, Yoon Bomi.”

“You don’t need to understand me.  I just need you not to go to US or anywhere too far away.  I just can’t stand for not seeing you even a day.  This separation is hard for me.”  I said softly.

“You’re so selfish.  Why don’t you hold me when you still want to stay around you?  Why did you let me go?  What do you want, Yoon Bomi?”

“I want you to stay around me.”

“Not stay with you?”

I was silent hearing her question.  I could not deny the fact that we already broke up, but to see her walking too far away from my sight was not what I wanted.  It did not matter that I could not be with her anymore.  After the separation, I just needed to see her face, watching her turning prettier day by day.

“I want to see you every day, even though we’re not together anymore.”  I said somberly.

“It won’t make me happy, Yoon Bomi.  If you want me to stay, you should hold me and never let me go.  That what you should do if you really want me—if you really love me.  I know I am not ready for this kind of love—I am afraid with the society—and I don’t know how to deal with my parent, but you make me believe in you.  The way you dealt with people, how you never got wavered by what people say about you, and how you never put so much thought about thing made me wanted to stay in this relationship…”  She said under her cry.  “But you lost yourself, Bbom-ah…  I don’t see you anymore.  I lost you who always full of courage…  and never use your brain…  who just do what you want to do…  not thinking about anything else.  I miss the day when you only think about how to be happy together, without worrying about surrounding.”

I looked down after hearing her words.  It was true.  I lost myself.  I became such a coward.  I lost my brainless side, which turned out to be the good thing for her.  I hated myself for losing against my sense.  I wanted to hold her and ran away, so that no one would disturb our time in creating many happiness.  But I was still lack of courage and confidence to make her happy.  I doubted.  Would I make her happy with only this endless love?

“I am sorry, Unnie…  I am afraid that I can’t make you happy or even hurt you if we keep staying in this relationship.  I still have not enough courage to keep you by my side…”

“I know.  You already told me many times.  I understand everything.”  She looked deeply at me.  Her eyes filled with fury and anger.  “That’s why we should take our own way.  We don’t see the same vision anymore.  There’s no point to hold into each other.  I’ll walk on my way, and so do you.”

“But, you don’t need to go abroad…”  I pleaded.

“You want me to be happy, aren’t you?  That’s how I do it.  I wish for your happiness too, Bbom-ah…”  She said weakly.

I did not make any objection because she got the point.  Watching my silence, she relaxed her should and closed her eyes, blocking the tears to stream down her cheeks.

“I’ll go inside.  You should leave too.  It’s pretty late.”  She said.  Her voice was hoarse and weak.

She walked away and pressed the password.  She almost reached the doorknob when I grabbed her hand and pressed my lips on her lips, kissing her abruptly yet tenderly.

She did not move her lips, but she did not try to resist too.  I deepened the kiss, brushing my tongue warmly over the seam of her lips until she parted them breathlessly and I swept in, colliding with her tongue.  She moaned softly under the kiss, before roughly pushed me away.

She panted.  I looked at her nervously as she was catching her breath.  I approached and framed her face with my palms.

“Unnie…  later, when I am more mature and responsible, and love you in enough amount, I’ll take your hand.  I won’t ask you to come back to me, I’ll just come to find you to hold you tightly and never let you go.”  I gently said.

“There won’t be later for us, Bbom-ah…”

“Now, I don’t have anything to offer you…  I’ll find you again when I can love you enough…”

“You can’t promise a love like that, Bbom-ah…  If you find a love, you have to live it, or leave it.  You can’t hang a love like that.  There’s no guarantee we can feel the same.  Love don’t come twice.  It only has one true owner.  Once it’s neglected, it will be faded—and die.”

“I’ll find you later, and prove that your theory is wrong.”

“I can’t promise you that my feel for you will stay the same…”

“Your love, and my love will stay the same.”  I lift her chin so that I could directly look into her eyes.

“I don’t know…  I don’t understand you…”

“Unnie…”

“If you want to hold me, hold me now!  I don’t need later!  I cannot guarantee if I still have the same feeling to you if you doing this to me.  You can only promise things, Yoon Bomi!  You never really mean you words.  You said you won’t leave me, but what now?  You leave me—because of those stupid reasons.  Telling me to be happy although I am not with anymore.  It’s such a joke.  You exactly know that I am not going to be happy without you!”  She snapped.  Her furious gaze met mine.  “Let’s love now, before I don’t love you anymore.  If you want to live this love later, it’s not going to happen—because later will never come—for someone who already thrown away the love.”

“I know, Unnie…  I want to be with you now and forever.  But, I am too young, I am afraid that I can’t make you happy with my limited capabilities.  I have nothing to offer.”  I argued.

“You start to piss me off with your bull!  Don’t use your fear as your excuse!  You once loved me simply, and did not think about what you had offered to me, and we were fine.  Now, you’re talking about the things you possibly cannot afford?  You’re calculating and thinking too much!  I see myself in you!  And I hate it!”

“Unnie…  I just need some time…”

“I already gave you a lot of time, Bbom-ah…  But you never used it properly…”

“Please don’t go…  Please wait for me…”

“I can’t.  If you want so, you have to hold me.  Now.”

“I can’t…”   

“Then I can’t do what you want.  You should leave, Bbom-ah.  Goodbye…”  She coldly said and turned her heel, opening the door and disappearing behind it.

I pressed my forehead against the door, doing nothing but sobbing.  I tried to hold my tears before, but it seemed that I could not hold it any longer.  It was too painful.

I left her place, walking along the road with the condition which not any better than before.  It was worse.  I stopped in front of a café where frequently visited by Chorong Unnie and I.  It was also the café in which got my feeling toward her wavered as her father told me about how irrational and complicated our relationship was.

I hated myself as I could not say anything to defend our relationship.  Why I could not say that I loved her so much and would fight for this love even though it was complicated and irrational.  We loved each other, what else could be needed?

Chorong unnie was true.  I lost myself.  I lose against the fear.  And it would not help either me and Chorong unnie to be better—to achieve better.  I took the wrong path.  Even worse, I did not take the chance to turn around in the last minute.

Not only the café, but every part of the ground I stepped had memories in it.  Everything was so familiar to me.  The only thing that differed was, it was only had my steps.  Another pair of the shoes already gone, and I did not know if we could walk along the same path together—and again.

***

Another gloomy day after the teary night had come.  In my new studio apartment, a way lot of smaller than