In Which We Were Letting Go

Yoon Bomi

Staying away from her did not help me to forget all about Chorong unnie.  She was living in my memories.  Memories which never came back and never be forgotten either.  Everything about her was too beautiful and too painful.  Never been a day passed without missing her.  Whenever I saw her, I had to hold my urge to run into her—to tell her that I hated being separated with her—to shout that I was madly in love with her.  I loved her.  But I did not love her enough to take her arm to face the cruel world.  I hated for being such a coward, but I was proud of myself to letting her go so that she could be much happier even without me.

Days passed by so fast yet so hard.  I could still see Chorong unnie every day, even from afar, but it did not mean that it completed my heart.  My heart was empty.  Hollow and deserted since the day I let her go.  I regretted it, but I did not have any courage to hold her back.  Never.

That day, I was at the parking lot when I saw Chorong unnie’s car had just arrived at where she usually parked.  I stilled, watching from a far.  I flinched when I saw Changsub got off from the driver’s seat and walked around the car to open the door for Chorong unnie.  He held Chorong unnie’s hands, helping her to get off of her car.  She looked paler and weaker—and her steps were stumbled.  I wondered if something happened to her.  She was cold and silent, until now when I witnessed her looked so miserable and vulnerable.

I stepped forward.  The urge to hold her was too strong, but Changsub seemed to notice my presence.  He turned his head, and shook it.  Clearly directed to me, signaling for me to stay still.  His arm wrapping around Chorong unnie’s shoulder, walking her carefully.  I balled my fists, hating myself for not being able to reach her which only mere away ahead.

Since that day, I frequently saw Changsub accompanied Chorong unnie to anywhere she went.  It made me curious to death as I was willing to know about her actual condition.  I sensed that she was in her weakest state—and again—it was because of me.  I muttered my courage to meet Changsub, willing to know about Chorong unnie and why did she need Changsub to be in her vicinity.

“I hate you for making her like this, Yoon Bomi!”  He said when I asked him for a talk.

“Like what?”  I frowned.

“She’s hurting herself.”  He replied vaguely.

“Hurting herself?”  I repeated.

“I am glad you finally decided to end your relationship with her—for the sake of her—but it’s also hurting me seeing her back on her weakest state.  She doesn’t want to take care of herself well.  Losing appetite, mourning for lover who already left, and recalling all the memories had made—typically a girl in broken heart.”  He said somberly.  “I wish I can turn back the time so that you two would never meet and get involved in that kind of relationship.  I feel bad for her…  life is so unfair for her…”

“I wish I can turn back the time too…  So that I can’t hurt her—even just a bit.”  I said in a resentful face.

“I know it’s hard for both of you…  but this is the matter of time…  You’ll be fine—and she’ll be fine too.  She has to.  She needs time.  I just hope that you will not waver with the decision you’ve made.  This is the best for her and for you.”  Changsub said while staring at me with eyes full of hope.

I nodded.

“Just promise me a thing…  That you’ll take care of her…  and make her happy…  no matter what…”  I looked deeply into his eyes.

“I always do without you asking me.”

The short conversation with Changsub had ended.  But for days since the talk, I could not stop worrying about Chorong unnie.  Her pale and weak figure kept appearing in my muse.  The imagination of her refusing for staying good and hurting herself seriously made me mad and ache.

As my worry grew bigger, I decided to go to her home—which once was my own home—ensuring that she was fine, and she would fine.  I pressed the password, and it was opened.  She had not changed the password.  I entered the house, and felt melancholic as the longing feeling began to embrace me.  Every corner of the house had memory and held story which lived by the two of us.  I walked toward the kitchen where we mostly had conversation.  I began to well up as I missed seeing her cooking for me, arguing when I messed up with the properties, eating while taking about many stuffs, and making love when we both could not hold the urge to touch each other until we reached the bedroom.

My hand was on the doorknob of my bedroom when I heard the sound of opened door from the front door.  I turned around, and walked carefully toward the living room.

“Oh, my God!  Yoon Bomi!  What are you doing here?”  Chorong unnie jerked out seeing me appeared from the kitchen.

“I am sorry to surprise you.  I want to see you.”  I said gently.

“Why do you want to see me?”  She asked coldly.  She was pulling out the strong and stern mask to cover her fragile side.  My heart ached seeing her losing so much weight and became as white as sheet in only few days.

“I want to talk to you.”  I answered firmly.

“I have nothing to discuss.”  She strode past me, and I quickly reached her elbow.

“I have a lot of thing to say…”  I said in pleading tone.

Her gaze fixed sharply on me.  I could clearly see a fury and pain inside her glassy eyes.

“I thought we’re done, Yoon Bomi…”  She said between her clenched teeth.

“I leave you because I want you to be better—to be happier—not being this weak and miserable.  Look at you…  You’re so thin and pale.  Please take care of yourself, don’t hurt yourself.  Stop make me worry about you.”  I stated in commanding tone.

“We already broke up.  It’s none of your business anyway.”

“It doesn’t mean that I stop worrying about you.”

“Stop worry me, Yoon Bomi!  Don’t care about me!  If you want to leave me, please do it completely.  Why do you see me again after saying that you want to leave me?  Do you want to come back to me because you seeing me look so miserable?  And when I am already okay, and so much in love with you again, you’ll leave me again?  Is that all what you want?”  She rattled under her bawling.

“We cannot the fact that we ended our relationship as a lover, but it’s hurting me seeing you like this.  Please accept it, Unnie…  We’re not a lover anymore.  We cannot.  Please don’t hurt yourself.  Do not live with this misery.  You’ll get a lot of better thing if you can accept the reality.  I do care about you—but we cannot stay in such relationship.  It’s better for us to stop before we walk further.”  I replied desperately.  I knew separation would be painful, but I did not know that it was beyond the painful.  It was disastrous.  I did not want to blame Chorong unnie for being in that state, because I knew it was hard.  Completely a hell.

“Let’s let this all go… and move on…  we can stay as friend—if we both ready…”  I continued, gently brushing the back of her palms.

“It’s really unfair…  I finally found someone who loves me—whom I love, but why can’t we be together?  I thought you love me…  but why you leave me?”  She slurred, letting off her hands to lightly hit my upper chest.

I bit my lower lips, trying not to join her to cry.

“I love you, Unnie…  But I don’t love you enough to turn me into a selfish who doesn’t care about your future—your happiness…  Please understand me…  I am doing this because I love you…  I want you to appreciate my decision.  This is for you—for me—for us.”  I cupped her face, bringing her eyes into mine.

She leaned forward, wrapping her hands around waist.  Hugging me while crying hard.  I hugged her back, burying my face in her neck and crying together.  Her body was shivering badly as she sobbing hard.  I tightened the hug, pulling her closer into my arms.  I swallowed her delicate scent which radiating between the hug which made me hugged her even tighter.

I tilted my head, bringing my lips to her temple and kissed it gently.  I shifted to her forehead, pressed my lips against it with a long and aching peck before I pulling my face away to see her in watery eyes.

“Promise me that you’ll be happy—even without me…”  I said sincerely.

“I don’t know…”  She sobbed.

“Don’t make me regret to leaving you…  I am doing this because I love you.  Don’t make this love going to waste.  I beg you.”  I cupped her face, looking directly into her sparkling eyes which filled with tears.  Tears that brought my heart ached.  Tears that ripped my soul.

“I love you…”  She said gently.

“I know.”  I replied.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers.  Nibbling it tenderly as I did not want to miss any single seam of her soft lips which I used to kiss endlessly.  I kissed her wholeheartedly, inside with my own way, and we’re doing it for a while.  It was sweet yet violent kiss.  A kiss which tore us apart.  A kiss which stabbed our heart.  A kiss which too painful to be handled.  Our last kiss.

I pulled away, looking at her for the last time.  I tried to hold myself not to cry in front of her or she would sob even harder.

With her face between my palms, I said, “I am sorry…  and thank you…”

“Tell me this is not right…”  She murmured.

“Take care…”

I retracted my hands then turned around, walking toward the door.  The emotions had mustered and I burst into crying.  I lowered my head, trying not to look back where she slumped down powerlessly on the floor.  Crying and murmuring my name.  My heart ached as I heard her desperate voice calling out my name.  It was hurt to stand with my back on her while I wanted to run into her and hug her and said how I could not let her go.  She was my heaven, but I was a hell for her.  I brought her pain, uncertainty, and hopelessness.  I was completely a fool.

***

“I haven’t seen Chorong unnie for days.  Is she alright?”  Eunji came from nowhere. 

I had thought for the same thing, but I did not want to come further into Choro