In Which I Looked for Her

Park Chorong

It was a day before Christmas Eve when I was busy browsing the shops to look for Christmas’ presents for my family and Changsub.  I only went to luxurious and expensive stores which less crowded as I wanted to avoid the sea of people doing shopping.  While I was busy strolling around, my eyes stopped on a shoes store which sold sneakers and running shoes.  I hesitated to enter, but after a short mulling I decided to enter it.

The shop keeper greeted me kindly and I told her that I was looking for shoes which fit perfectly for casual occasion.  She ushered me to a corner which displayed uncommon shoes.  I was interested to a black 3D printed sneaker which looked casual yet sumptuous on the display.  I observed that shoes carefully, ensuring that I had fallen in love with the right shoes.

“This brand only made 333 pairs all over the world.  It’s limited edition.”  The shopkeeper said.

Instead of getting affected by the fact that it was limited edition pair, I was immersed into the details and sophisticated design.  I checked and observed every part of it thoroughly, ensuring that there was no defect on it.

“I love the design.  I’ll take this.”  I handed it back to the shopkeeper.

“What size do you want?”  The shopkeeper asked politely.

“Mmmmm…  Let me try that first.”

After finishing tried it on, I asked her for the proper size, and then did the payment.  I was delivering out with warm and decent service by the shopkeeper, and resuming my sight-seeing.  And after one and half hours going around at shopping center and completely exhausted, I drove back to home directly in light heart.

When I was a mile away from the apartment, I got an incoming call, and immediately went along the side of the street to pick up the call as it was from my mother.

“Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I am driving…”

“You are driving and answering my call?”

“No, I already pulled off the road.”

“Where are you going?”

“I am on my way back after buying presents for Christmas…”

“Aaaaa…  Chorong-ah…”

“Yes, Mom?”

“About Christmas…  I don’t think we can spend Christmas together this year…  Your dad and I have important thing to do here.”

“Important thing?  Is it more important than spending Christmas with your daughter?”

“We are really sorry…  But we can’t really delay the matter.  We’ll be back to Seoul on your birthday.”

“It’s still three months away.”

“We’ll back as soon as possible.”

“Don’t promise me a thing.”

“You sound immodest, Park Chorong!”

“I am trying my best to sound respectful.”

“Park Chorong!”

“I don’t feel like to argue.  I’ll hang up.”

I tossed my phone on the seat next to me, and buried my face on the bar, feeling the dejection from my own family.  I might already get used to their absence, but I did not mean that I did not miss them.  No matter how strict my parent was, I always wanted to see them, especially in special occasion in which we should spend together.

After a short sobbing, I resumed my trip to home.  I was mad, but I knew I had nothing to do to cajole my parent to come home as I knew I would only get further disappointment.

I looked down the floor when entered the house, and startled when I felt someone moving on the couch.  I retreated as I saw Bomi was stretching her body after taking a nap.

“You shop a lot, Unnie…”  She smiled innocently.

“Eung…”  I looked away and controlled my tremor, shaking while holding the shop bags in both of my hands.

“For Christmas?”  She pointed out with her chin.

“Yes.”  I answered shortly without looking at her.

“Is that the present for your parent?  It’s really expensive brand.”  She said in amazement.

“It was.”  I replied weakly as the cold sweat slowly crept my neck.

“Was?”  She sounded puzzled.

“They will not come for Christmas—busy with their things.”  I said peevishly.

“That’s too bad…”  She said mournfully.

I was silent, and wordlessly pitied myself who was going to spend Christmas with no ono.  I could not even bother Naeun, Hayoung, or Changsub to give me companion as they ought to spend Christmas with their family.

I was startled when Bomi rose from the couch and slowly walked toward me.  I widened my eyes, palms printed on the wall behind, and my back pinned against the wall.  My tremble ran rapidly, and I could not help but turning pale and shivering.

“Bbo…  Bbom-ah…”  I was getting more frightened when her steps getting closer.

“Please…  Don’t do this…  to me…  again…”  I said in broken voice, eyes getting teary.

She stood right in front of me, looking at me in somber eyes.  She reached her hands out, framing my face with her palms.  Her touch was warm, unlike the cold and rough nudge which I was encountered at that night.

“Do you want to spend Christmas with me?  With my family?”  She said softly.

I blinked my eyes, and for a second forgetting about how badly I was trembling.

“Christmas supposed to be spent with beloved people…  So, I want to spend it with my family, and with you…”  She continued as I was not answering.

The tears began to well up, and I was wondering if it was because Bomi said that she wanted to spend Christmas with me, or because I was frightened by her close gap.  And the next thing I saw was, she leaned forward, and made the gap between our lips closer.  I flinched, and saw her somber and hesitant eyes in front of me.  I could not do anything as I was too trembled, and scared as the scene of that night coming back to my head.  And when our lips were inch apart, she balled her fists and retreated, slamming her eyes closed.

“Good night, Unnie…”  She looked at me and rushed into her room.

I slumped on my feet, heart pounding hard, and cold sweat creeping rapidly.  Being in her vicinity was really warm yet sad.  I missed her, and I wanted to hug that adorable figure, but every of her touch was like a torn which continuously hitting me.  I knew she was trying to make everything up, and repaying for all the mistakes she had made.  But, her sweetness was not easily making me forgetting her wickedness over me.

***

The next morning, I woke up with heavy head.  I could barely sleep last night as I frequently got nightmare.  I thought I would never get that nightmare back, but last night was the worst.  I had to struggle to get back into my consciousness, and tried to back to sleep again.  It was tiring, and suffocating.

After doing a little wash up, I carefully opened my door, checking surrounding.  It sounded quiet and empty.  I headed to the kitchen, and cooked breakfast.  I did not hear any sound from Bomi’s room even after I finished my breakfast.  She might let me use the kitchen freely like usual as she knew I would feel inconvenient when she was next to me.

I would think that she was inside her room if I did not see a fallen paper near to refrigerator.  I bowed down to pick it up, and read Bomi’s handwriting written on the small pink paper.

I’ll back to my hometown for Christmas and New Year’s holiday.  Call me anytime.

I sat weakly on the barstool after reading Bomi’s message.  The house turning quieter, and I felt lonelier.  I buried my face on the island, sobbing softly as I was getting more dejected.  My parent could not spend Christmas with me, their only daughter, and my body and condition rejected Bomi’s invitation to spend the holiday with her, and her family.  It was so funny that I felt the heart was really empty without Bomi around me although I could not even stand to see her face.

After thirty minutes mourning my loneliness, I lifted my head, and cleaned up the table.  Done with the dishes, I sunk myself into the bathtub and pampered my mad mind with relaxing bubble bath.

On the Christmas Eve, I was sitting at the corner of a cake-shop, staring at the hot chocolate on the table and ignoring surrounding.  The shop, the café, and the street were packed with people who were walking and talking happily with their family, or with their couple.  I could tell from their face that they must be have very good time, in contrary to me who was alone at miserable Christmas Eve.

As the crowd getting more crowded, I decided to head back to my apartment.  I thought I might getting freaked out, I had a slight hope that Bomi would appear in the house, saying softly that she would spend Christmas with me.  And without me knowing, I actually always wished that Bomi would always be there for me.

I started to decorate the Christmas tree I bought with sparkling and cute decoration, but it did not help to chase my loneliness and sadness away.  And when I was done decorating, I kicked the tree until it was stumbling and falling on the floor.  I cried, hugging my legs with my fragile arms, until I got very crazy idea then immediately rose up to my feet.

I did not know what had gotten into me as I was rushing out and driving my car half-doubtedly and half-surely.  When my car drove closer to the destination, I began to shivering, but the darkened night seemed could not stop my journey.

After driving for hours, I stopped my car in front of a hut with a wide yard.  It was surrounded by vast rice field which turning white covered by winter snow.  I got off my car, and carefully peeped through the front gate.  I could hear cheerful song and chatter from the house.  Even seeing from outside, I could feel that the house was full of love and warmth.  I slowly passed the gate, and reluctantly knocked the door.

My heart was thumping fast when I waited in front of the door and heard footsteps closer.  I was thinking to go back, but I knew it was already late, someone already opened the door.

“Pardon, who are you?”

A middle-aged woman with familiar face features welcomed me politely although she could not hide her confusion away.

“I…  I am Bomi’s friend.”  I said softly.

“Aaaaaa…  I don’t know she has a very beautiful friend…  Come in, it must be cold outside…”  She made a way for me and ushered me inside.

I looked through, the house was simple yet warm.  The ceiling was low, and the light was dim, adding the warmth and friendly mood of the house.  That woman brought me to the living room where their family gathered and had a feast.

“Who’s coming, Mom?”  A familiar husky voice asked.

“She said she is your friend, but I cannot believe it.  How could