In Which We Leaned Back to Back

Yoon Bomi

We sat back on back.  An inch away between the door.  I was leaning my back against the door, and she was doing the same thing inside her room.  This how we talked to each other.  So close yey so far.  Separated by closed door between us two.  She could not help but to trembling badly whenever she saw me.  She always got frightened on my vicinity, and it was always hurt my soul.  I hated myself for making her this way—to make her hating me even more, and I deserved to it.

“What are you doing?”  I asked softly, imagining that it was her back which I was leaned on.

“Mmmmm…  nothing actually…”  She answered.

“How’s work?”  She continued.

“Good…”  I answered shortly though my heart actually pounding hard as she asked something to me.

“School?”

“I hate theory.”  I sneered.

“I know you will…”  She laughed softly, and I could not help but to smile broadly hearing her laughter.

“It makes me sleepy.”  I scoffed.

“I know you’re sleepyhead.”

“Theory is not really necessary for life…”

“Just admit that you’re lazy…”

“Well, you know me really well…”

And we’re back to silence.  And I could barely hold myself to open her door and hug her as I really missed her, but I did not want to shock her.  I wanted to treat her well, so she would not get frightened by me anymore although I knew it wouldn’t be happened in a flash.

“I am happy you have come back to this house…”  I said solemnly.

“I am grateful you still want to talk to me, although I know you cannot see me…  I understand your condition…  I don’t want to ask for more…  just let me stay by your side—in far distance is enough for me…  I don’t want to lose you for the second time…”  I continued, leaning my head on the door, eyes fixed on ceiling.

“I wish I have something to say…”  She murmured.

“You don’t have to say anything…  I just want to tell you about my feelings…”  I said somberly.

“Bbom-ah…”

“Yes?”

“I know you feel guilty…  but it’s not enough for me to forget what you have done to me…  you should know that I hate you...”

“I obviously know about it.  And I deserved to it.”

“But…”  She did not continue her words.

“But?”  I waited curiously.

“I don’t know.  I’ll go to sleep.”

I sighed as she left me hung, but I did not want to force her.  She would tell me heartily if she was ready.  And I hoped it would be something good.

“I got it…  Sleep well, Unnie…  I hope you’ll get better day by day…”  I got up and leaned forward toward her door, ensuring that she would hear my words clearly.

I waited for her response, but she did not seem to give any response as I heard only a silence behind the wall.  I slowly stepped away with a final glance before entering my own room in peace as I could talk to her today.

The next day, I was changing my clothes quickly ready for going back to home after being busy with the work.  I humming a song and obviously in a good mood, and I neven been so excited to go home—to talk to Chorong unnie.

“I’ll leave first.”  I said while locking my locker.

“You’re not coming?”  One of my workmates asked.

“Where?”  I asked back.

“Let’s have drinks together…”  She countered, moving her hand pretending that she was drinking.

“I am not coming…  I have something to do.”  I tried to sound guilty.

“Again?”

“Yeah, I am really sorry.”

“You always reject to hang out lately…”

“I have many assessment…”  I excused.

“Mmmm, I got it.  I hope you’ll make it next time.  It’s no fun without you…”

“Yeah, I’ll make it next time.”

I bid a goodbye and rushed into the crowd.  I quicken my pace to a cakeshop nearby before heading back home really quick

Arrived at home, I placed the cake on the island and entered my room.  I pulled my cellphone inside my bag and texted Chorong unnie.

To:  Rong Unnie

I bought you cheesecake.  It’s on the table.  I’ll be at my room until you finish your cake.

After two minutes I could hear a door opened, and the sound of footsteps approaching the kitchen.  I was sitting on the floor, hugging my legs and seeing her through the invisibility behind my door.  Tears welled up my eyes when I traveled back to the time we were sitting and eating together in the dining room—and there was no precise word to explain how I really missed her cook, and watched her excitedly cooking for me.  I had ruined the good times we had, and it would be really hard to earn it back.  Nothing would stay the same.

In no time, a soft knock on my door broke up my muse.  I immediately got up and walked closer to the door.

“Yes?”  I said brightly.

“I am done eating.  Thank you, Bbom-ah…  but you don’t need to do this everyday.”  She said softly, and her sweet voice never failed to make me formed a smile.

“I love doing it.  I feel like we’re eating together…”  I smiled to her which could not be seen by her.

“We’ll eat together…  When I am completely better.”  She replied in low voice, but I still could manage to hear her words, and it seriously got me really excited.

“I’ll be waiting for it…  Even it will take forever…”

“Thank you…  I’ll back to my room.”

“I got it.”

After hearing her door slammed close, I made a step out of my room, and headed to the table to eat my cake.  I spotted a small note beside the box and quickly grabbed it.

Thanks for the sweet…

I smiled broadly as she appreciated my deed, and I noted to myself to always treat her with sweet.

***

I was in rush entering the house and almost collided to Chorong unnie who was about to going out.  She taken back and avoided eye contract, and dared not to make any sound.  I held my tears seeing that scene.

“Where are you going?”  I asked, trying to sound stern.

“I…  I am… going to do… grocery…”  She stuttered, playing with her fingers nervously.

“Alone?”  I replied somberly.

She nodded and slid past me to go out of the house, leaving me in stun and guilt because of her condition.  She seemed fine when we talked behind the wall, but it was still hard for her to face and talk to me directly.

I turned my heel and followed her, I used the stairs down to the lobby, panting hard as I reached the lowest floor.  I dashed outside the apartment and searched her among the crowd, and breathed out a relief sigh when I spotted her.  I followed her behind, stuffing my hands inside my pocket's coat.  I kept the safe distance and tried not to be noticed by her or she would be frightened by my existence.

She looked relaxed and excited doing grocery, strolling the corridor between high cabinet which displaying stocks neatly.  She scanning the goods, and only picking out the necessary items.  I watched her back in somber.  It was months ago, when I stood beside her, pushing the cart while she was picking out some stuffs precisely.  The more I recalled the memories, the more I felt regret.  I made every precious moment into a memory which never be back again.

“Ouch!”  She screeched.

I jolted, willing to run into her and checked her when she was accidently grazed by the wire of cabinet, but I hesitated as she might be shocked by my sudden appearance.  I stood still, watching her who was cleaning up her finger with tissue and nimbly attaching band-aid on her wound.  I wished that the wound inside her heart could be treated simply like her grazed finger—with just a simple cleaning of tissue—and band-aid to cover her wound—and soon to be healed completely.

She continued strolling around, and I was carefully following her behind.  I stunned when she stopped in front of my favorite chips, staring at it in indescribable expression, but I knew that she was thinking of me while holding it, and I was really glad just by imagining it.  But my happiness got vanished as she began to trembling and immediately put it back to the rack.  She grabbed the cart and quickly leaving the corner.

My tears welled up recalling the scene, thinking about how much she was suffering and struggling for being in my vicinity.  I began to rethink about Changsub’s words about making me to leave the house.  My heart was like to be separated by two.  Half was begging to stay, and another one was willing to leave as I could stand to see her frightened by my existence.

When I was back to home, she already done arranging the stuff and made the fridge livelier.  I approached her room and knocked the door gently.

“Yes?”  She replied behind the door.

“Done shopping?”  I asked brightly.

“It was doing grocery, not shopping.”  She answered.

“Buying something is shopping, Unnie…”  I giggled.

“Whatever.”

Whatever!  It was the word which I missed from her.  Well, I missed arguing with her—over simple thing.  It would be better than talking to her this way.

“Are you going to sleep?”  I asked softly.

“Eung.”

“I guess I have to sleep too then…”

“You won’t sleep even though you say that you want to sleep…”

“How do you know?”

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