✍️ Runes of Despair || Review
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | This is super late. I'm sorry. I just ended my exams and yeah, I binge read the story. hahaha! Anyway this is your long awaited review.
Title (005/005)
It's definitely eyecatching. I love the words that you used. 'Runes of despair' seems so... captivating in a sense? Just looking at the title alone would attract readers.
description/foreword (010/010)
The description and foreword was fine. It doesn't give out too much of the plot, and it could be eyecatching to the readers who are interested in reading an 'angst' story. It definitely gives off an 'angst' feeling whether or not it was intended.
"....but more hate and less love, and more tears and less laughter?" - You forgot one comma for the foreword.
It's definitely eyecatching. I love the words that you used. 'Runes of despair' seems so... captivating in a sense? Just looking at the title alone would attract readers.
description/foreword (010/010)
The description and foreword was fine. It doesn't give out too much of the plot, and it could be eyecatching to the readers who are interested in reading an 'angst' story. It definitely gives off an 'angst' feeling whether or not it was intended.
"....but more hate and less love, and more tears and less laughter?" - You forgot one comma for the foreword.
characterization (017/020)
I love stories with characters that have distinct personality. It gives the realistic vibe around the story. I'm thankful that despite the amount of characters in the stories, you manage to keep their characteristics and personality distinct. Each of the characters have their own personality and that's where you can develop the characterization. If there are personality duplications, there's little to no chance of development since you absolutely have no idea on how to develop it. So, I'm grateful that you manage to have your characters characterized.
Eunkyung; At the beginning of the chapters, I find that she's too mature for her age. However, it's understandable since she had to go through hell in the 'concentration camps' and witnessing her parents getting killed. She's extremely protective over her 'brothers' and have a weak spot for them. She doesn't show her weakness, afraid of being seen as vulnerable to her brothers. However, from what I can see, she has close to zero flaws, and it can be seen as unrealistic. And her character is rather clinche in a sense. I guess that sort of make the plot a little clinche as well. However, I can see the development in Eunkyung's character, so keep up the good work!
The brothers; each have their own distinct personality whereby the oldest of the lot is as protective as the heroine towards his brothers. Baekhyun is the feisty one while Chanyeol is the calm one. Kyungsoo the shy and innocent one, but tends to blabber a lot around the ones he's familiar with. The maknaes of the bunch. What do I have to say? They're kids, so they act like kids. Hahahah!
Mark and Yifan; Mark who loves to joke but knows when to be serious, easygoing whereas Yifan is calm, although not as easy-going but he has his own personality trait. A rather dependable brother just like Luhan. Anyway, I love how they deeply care for Eunkyung despite the contrast in both of their personalities. But they care for Eunkyung equally.
Minseok and Jongdae. I've yet to know how to make of them since their appearance in this story is still rather sparse.
However, developments could still be made further since it's not the end of the story yet. Especially the character besides Eunkyung. Keep up the good work!
plot (017/020)
The pacing was great. And the plot was original, although there are certain clinches part but it could be bypassed since there's an 'original' element in it. The violence. The concentration camps. I'm only familiar with stories that make the prisoners, in the concentration camp, work all day and night, but never a fighting scene whereby the most 'talented' prison has the chance to join the army, even though it's actually bad to actually be the 'talented one'. LOL! However, you get my point.
And I'm not a fan of stories that have the element of time in it. When the time goes back and forth, it makes me extremely confused and extremely turned off in a sense, and I wouldn't want to continue reading it. But yours were appropriate since it can be easily related and linked. Helps understand the plot better, and the characters better. So it was an appropriate flashback in a sense.
writing style (018/020)
I felt extremely distracted with the different terms of 'mother' that you used. 'Mommy' , 'Umma', 'Omma'. 3 different terms for one person, although they mean the same but it'll affect the flow. I'm good if you use a constant term, preferably Mommy, since her mother referred herself as 'Mommy' instead of 'Umma'. Kids learn from their parents, so if her mother calls herself Mommy, stick to Mommy and not change to 'Umma' for Eunkyung and vice versa. Same with 'Daddy'. Ironically though, I'm fine with 'Ge-ge' and 'Hyungs'. I understand that you want to corporate the 'chinese' element since Luhan is chinese. Moving on.
Besides the terms used, I'm perfectly fine with your writing style. It's the type of writing style that I like to read with. Sufficient dialogues paired with sufficient details. It helps with the visualization of scenes and stuff in my head. It also helps give the story impact, since readers would be able to relate how the characters feel. So keep up the good work.
The words used were also appropriate. I can see that you have a wide range of vocabulary which is good. The words used are easy to understand, and even if you use a difficult vocabulary, your descriptions allow the readers to understand the word even without needing to use dictionary to find out what the word meant.
grammer (0017/020)
There's multiple spelling and grammatical errors I've spotted, but nothing major. There's not much problem with punctuations. Here are a list of examples of your mistakes.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 2
Original: Pushing his foot against your chest, he pounded your chest harshly causing you bite your lip.
Fixed: Pushing his foot against your chest, stepping repeatedly on your chest harshly causing you to bite your lip.
Reason: 'Pounded' is commonly used for fist. And you forgot to put 'to'.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 4
Original: ....younger. were...
Fixed: younger were ...
Reason: You accidently add a period when it's not the end of the sentence.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 17
Original : ...you never once allowed your mind weaken.
Fixed: ... you never once allowed you mind to weaken.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 18
Original: ...before making you do 200 pushups on the while he whipped your back
Fixed: ... before making you do 200 pushups on the floor while he whipped your back. // before making you do 200 pushups while he whipped your back.
Reason: It's either you forgot to add the word or you accidentally add the 'on the'.
These are the small mistake from the first half of chapter 2. I could see that your english is good, and majority of the grammars and tenses were used correctly. So it's either you edit the chapters or you get a betareader or get it proofread. I admit, mistakes like these are extremely hard to spot since I'm a writer myself. Hahahah! But besides the minor errors, there's no problem with the grammar used. The preposition, tenses, verbs used were appropriate.
Personal enjoyment (005/005)
I personally like stories where protagonist or heroine has a rough start in life. I adore stories like those, so your story is definitely my cup of tea. And what makes your story a better read is that you added a humor aspect in it as well, knowing that the story is considered quite heavy. The humor that you've added in some parts of the story made the story lighter and easier to read. Hahahah! I'm looking forward to your next chapter.
I love stories with characters that have distinct personality. It gives the realistic vibe around the story. I'm thankful that despite the amount of characters in the stories, you manage to keep their characteristics and personality distinct. Each of the characters have their own personality and that's where you can develop the characterization. If there are personality duplications, there's little to no chance of development since you absolutely have no idea on how to develop it. So, I'm grateful that you manage to have your characters characterized.
Eunkyung; At the beginning of the chapters, I find that she's too mature for her age. However, it's understandable since she had to go through hell in the 'concentration camps' and witnessing her parents getting killed. She's extremely protective over her 'brothers' and have a weak spot for them. She doesn't show her weakness, afraid of being seen as vulnerable to her brothers. However, from what I can see, she has close to zero flaws, and it can be seen as unrealistic. And her character is rather clinche in a sense. I guess that sort of make the plot a little clinche as well. However, I can see the development in Eunkyung's character, so keep up the good work!
The brothers; each have their own distinct personality whereby the oldest of the lot is as protective as the heroine towards his brothers. Baekhyun is the feisty one while Chanyeol is the calm one. Kyungsoo the shy and innocent one, but tends to blabber a lot around the ones he's familiar with. The maknaes of the bunch. What do I have to say? They're kids, so they act like kids. Hahahah!
Mark and Yifan; Mark who loves to joke but knows when to be serious, easygoing whereas Yifan is calm, although not as easy-going but he has his own personality trait. A rather dependable brother just like Luhan. Anyway, I love how they deeply care for Eunkyung despite the contrast in both of their personalities. But they care for Eunkyung equally.
Minseok and Jongdae. I've yet to know how to make of them since their appearance in this story is still rather sparse.
However, developments could still be made further since it's not the end of the story yet. Especially the character besides Eunkyung. Keep up the good work!
plot (017/020)
The pacing was great. And the plot was original, although there are certain clinches part but it could be bypassed since there's an 'original' element in it. The violence. The concentration camps. I'm only familiar with stories that make the prisoners, in the concentration camp, work all day and night, but never a fighting scene whereby the most 'talented' prison has the chance to join the army, even though it's actually bad to actually be the 'talented one'. LOL! However, you get my point.
And I'm not a fan of stories that have the element of time in it. When the time goes back and forth, it makes me extremely confused and extremely turned off in a sense, and I wouldn't want to continue reading it. But yours were appropriate since it can be easily related and linked. Helps understand the plot better, and the characters better. So it was an appropriate flashback in a sense.
writing style (018/020)
I felt extremely distracted with the different terms of 'mother' that you used. 'Mommy' , 'Umma', 'Omma'. 3 different terms for one person, although they mean the same but it'll affect the flow. I'm good if you use a constant term, preferably Mommy, since her mother referred herself as 'Mommy' instead of 'Umma'. Kids learn from their parents, so if her mother calls herself Mommy, stick to Mommy and not change to 'Umma' for Eunkyung and vice versa. Same with 'Daddy'. Ironically though, I'm fine with 'Ge-ge' and 'Hyungs'. I understand that you want to corporate the 'chinese' element since Luhan is chinese. Moving on.
Besides the terms used, I'm perfectly fine with your writing style. It's the type of writing style that I like to read with. Sufficient dialogues paired with sufficient details. It helps with the visualization of scenes and stuff in my head. It also helps give the story impact, since readers would be able to relate how the characters feel. So keep up the good work.
The words used were also appropriate. I can see that you have a wide range of vocabulary which is good. The words used are easy to understand, and even if you use a difficult vocabulary, your descriptions allow the readers to understand the word even without needing to use dictionary to find out what the word meant.
grammer (0017/020)
There's multiple spelling and grammatical errors I've spotted, but nothing major. There's not much problem with punctuations. Here are a list of examples of your mistakes.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 2
Original: Pushing his foot against your chest, he pounded your chest harshly causing you bite your lip.
Fixed: Pushing his foot against your chest, stepping repeatedly on your chest harshly causing you to bite your lip.
Reason: 'Pounded' is commonly used for fist. And you forgot to put 'to'.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 4
Original: ....younger. were...
Fixed: younger were ...
Reason: You accidently add a period when it's not the end of the sentence.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 17
Original : ...you never once allowed your mind weaken.
Fixed: ... you never once allowed you mind to weaken.
Chapter 2, Paragraph 18
Original: ...before making you do 200 pushups on the while he whipped your back
Fixed: ... before making you do 200 pushups on the floor while he whipped your back. // before making you do 200 pushups while he whipped your back.
Reason: It's either you forgot to add the word or you accidentally add the 'on the'.
These are the small mistake from the first half of chapter 2. I could see that your english is good, and majority of the grammars and tenses were used correctly. So it's either you edit the chapters or you get a betareader or get it proofread. I admit, mistakes like these are extremely hard to spot since I'm a writer myself. Hahahah! But besides the minor errors, there's no problem with the grammar used. The preposition, tenses, verbs used were appropriate.
Personal enjoyment (005/005)
I personally like stories where protagonist or heroine has a rough start in life. I adore stories like those, so your story is definitely my cup of tea. And what makes your story a better read is that you added a humor aspect in it as well, knowing that the story is considered quite heavy. The humor that you've added in some parts of the story made the story lighter and easier to read. Hahahah! I'm looking forward to your next chapter.
total score (089/100)
reviewer's advice:
You're doing great with the story so far. The progression is good, however, you should get your chapters proofread since there are minor errors in your story. Don't worry, it's nothing to fret about.
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