✍️ How to Save a Life || Review
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | You're doing well with your story so far. :) Keep it up! And I apologize if I'm being offensive, it's just my personal point of view.
Title (003/005)
Okay, the title wasn't eye-catching. It wasn't attention grabbing at all. Maybe it's still at the 8th chapter but I see no relationship between the plot and the title.
description/foreword (006/010)
I'm not a fan of long description/foreword. Your description was somesort of a 'sneakpeak' of how the character feels instead of a sneakpeak of the story plot. It was creative but I don't think it would gain the attention of much readers. The foreword or description of a story is all about the impact it would bring to the readers and that same impact would make the readers craving for more. However, for yours, it was not at all impactful and it's extremely long. Instead of putting a whole paragraph, why not an Epigraph for each person? One that brings impact. Another alternative would basically be like any other forewords, writing something dramatic but have the impact that it always needs.
characterization (014/020)
So far, I can make out how each character is. But I'm a little iffy on the characterization of Luhan and Lay. They seemed rather similar in terms of their personality. They're the playful, or so-called 'naughty' ones in EXO-M. And there must be a reason on why the heroine prefers Lay over Luhan right? 'Being too experienced' isn't much of a reason. And if Chen wasn't in the bathroom singing, instead of Lay, she would've chosen Chen then? This was one of the plothole that I've spotted.
For Niel, he just showed up recently after sitting beside her in the airplane, so I don't really have an impression of him yet.
As for Kyungsoon/Dani, she seemed rather.... desperate? I don't know if it's because she feels very enclosed with her father always wanting her to have her bodyguards around, and being 'overly protective' of her so, she didn't have the privilege of having a boyfriend, making her turn to her bodyguards to satisfy her needs or for her entertainment. Anyway, I'm not sure how to make out of her character. It's not here neither is it there. She has a short temper but has a rather forgiving personality. She's a rather contradicting character overall. But the relationship with her father was cute though.
The development part is definitely lacking, maybe it's because all the 8 chapters are rather short so there's wasn't much of a development in characters.
Okay, the title wasn't eye-catching. It wasn't attention grabbing at all. Maybe it's still at the 8th chapter but I see no relationship between the plot and the title.
description/foreword (006/010)
I'm not a fan of long description/foreword. Your description was somesort of a 'sneakpeak' of how the character feels instead of a sneakpeak of the story plot. It was creative but I don't think it would gain the attention of much readers. The foreword or description of a story is all about the impact it would bring to the readers and that same impact would make the readers craving for more. However, for yours, it was not at all impactful and it's extremely long. Instead of putting a whole paragraph, why not an Epigraph for each person? One that brings impact. Another alternative would basically be like any other forewords, writing something dramatic but have the impact that it always needs.
characterization (014/020)
So far, I can make out how each character is. But I'm a little iffy on the characterization of Luhan and Lay. They seemed rather similar in terms of their personality. They're the playful, or so-called 'naughty' ones in EXO-M. And there must be a reason on why the heroine prefers Lay over Luhan right? 'Being too experienced' isn't much of a reason. And if Chen wasn't in the bathroom singing, instead of Lay, she would've chosen Chen then? This was one of the plothole that I've spotted.
For Niel, he just showed up recently after sitting beside her in the airplane, so I don't really have an impression of him yet.
As for Kyungsoon/Dani, she seemed rather.... desperate? I don't know if it's because she feels very enclosed with her father always wanting her to have her bodyguards around, and being 'overly protective' of her so, she didn't have the privilege of having a boyfriend, making her turn to her bodyguards to satisfy her needs or for her entertainment. Anyway, I'm not sure how to make out of her character. It's not here neither is it there. She has a short temper but has a rather forgiving personality. She's a rather contradicting character overall. But the relationship with her father was cute though.
The development part is definitely lacking, maybe it's because all the 8 chapters are rather short so there's wasn't much of a development in characters.
plot (016/020)
The plot was nice. I don't think I've read any stories that were similar to yours. Having EXO as bodyguards, yes. But having half of them as the heroine's 'entertainment' was entertaining in a sense. LOL! If you get what I mean. Then again, I don't really read much stories since it's not exactly my cup of tea, unless there is a really really good story line behind them. Yours was good, although I'm not at all sure how the story is going about. That's both a good thing and bad thing. Good because it would make the readers curious how the story would turn out, but bad because they might lose interest in it because they don't understand the story. It's ironic really.
The pacing of the story is appropriate. Since they've already have that kind of relationship, it didn't seemed fast paced. So, keep it up!
But like the character development, the plot development is rather lacking. And there are several plotholes as well.
The plot was nice. I don't think I've read any stories that were similar to yours. Having EXO as bodyguards, yes. But having half of them as the heroine's 'entertainment' was entertaining in a sense. LOL! If you get what I mean. Then again, I don't really read much stories since it's not exactly my cup of tea, unless there is a really really good story line behind them. Yours was good, although I'm not at all sure how the story is going about. That's both a good thing and bad thing. Good because it would make the readers curious how the story would turn out, but bad because they might lose interest in it because they don't understand the story. It's ironic really.
The pacing of the story is appropriate. Since they've already have that kind of relationship, it didn't seemed fast paced. So, keep it up!
But like the character development, the plot development is rather lacking. And there are several plotholes as well.
writing style (020/020)
I adore your kind of writing style. It makes it so much easier to visualize the scenes in my head. Sufficient descriptions and dialogues, so, I have nothing much to comment about here. Keep it up! :)
grammar (015/020)
There were some grammatical and punctuation errors but they weren't all that obvious actually, unless I'm doing a beta-reading or a review like now of course. I might seem rather nitpicky. But the tenses seemed to be a problem. You keep going back and fro from past and present tense. It's a common mistake made by many authors so don't fret over it. You can just reread the chapters again or get the story proofread.
Examples: Chapter 1
Paragraph 1: Pretty unsual for San Fransico to have chilly weather in the middle of August, ..... My focus shifted back to my seat and thankfully my father didn't buy us first-class tickets
Fixed: Pretty unsual for San Francisco to have a chilly weather in the middle of August,....My focus shifted back to my seat and thankfully, my father didn't buy us first-class tickets.
Paragraph 3: ... not caring if my ticket said take the aisle seat..... noticing that my father seated right behind the first-class passengers;guess he couldn't resist temptation... I guess it's an instinct.
Fixed: ... not caring if my ticket said to take the aisle seat..... noticing that my father was seated right behind the first-class passengers;guess he couldn't resist the temptation... I guess it wasan instinct.
Paragraph 4: ...She widen her fake smile, making it some what more obvious that she was annoyed with me. ..."Thank you finally."...
Fixed: ...She widened her fake smile, making it somewhat more obvious that she was annoyed with me. ..."Thank you, finally."...
Paragraph 5: .... I simply packed my bag like ordered by his henchmen and had everything ready three days before the flight was planned to take off.... Hell, I don't even know the real reason why we are leaving but at this point it truly isn't any of my concern.
Fixed: .... I simply packed my bag like I was ordered by his henchmen and had everything ready three days before the flight was planned to take off.... Hell, I didn't even know the real reason why we were leaving but at this point, it truly wasn't any of my concern.
Paragraph 6: ....and handed me a cup of dark roast coffee. Wow the nerve of this . ... but the fact that this is a fourteen hour flight... I sat up one more time and saw this dude was already sleep... We haven't even been in the air for more than a hour at the most. ... I swear she burned the out of this coffee, and that's practically impossible if you have common sense; probably was talking about the 'airhead girl' to the secondary pilot to even be bothered with the coffee.
Fixed: ....and handed me a cup of dark roasted coffee. Wow, the nerve of this . ... but the fact that this was a fourteen hour flight... I sat up one more time and saw that this dude had already fallen asleep... We haven't even been in the air for more than an hour atthe most. ... I swear, she burned the out of this coffee, and that was practically impossible if you have common sense; she probably was talking about the 'airhead girl' to the secondary pilot to even be bothered with the coffee.
And I realised you liked to use 'at this point'. LOL! There are about 3 of them in 9 paragraphs. Try to minimize it. Anyway, these are your mistakes in chapter one.
I adore your kind of writing style. It makes it so much easier to visualize the scenes in my head. Sufficient descriptions and dialogues, so, I have nothing much to comment about here. Keep it up! :)
grammar (015/020)
There were some grammatical and punctuation errors but they weren't all that obvious actually, unless I'm doing a beta-reading or a review like now of course. I might seem rather nitpicky. But the tenses seemed to be a problem. You keep going back and fro from past and present tense. It's a common mistake made by many authors so don't fret over it. You can just reread the chapters again or get the story proofread.
Examples: Chapter 1
Paragraph 1: Pretty unsual for San Fransico to have chilly weather in the middle of August, ..... My focus shifted back to my seat and thankfully my father didn't buy us first-class tickets
Fixed: Pretty unsual for San Francisco to have a chilly weather in the middle of August,....My focus shifted back to my seat and thankfully, my father didn't buy us first-class tickets.
Paragraph 3: ... not caring if my ticket said take the aisle seat..... noticing that my father seated right behind the first-class passengers;guess he couldn't resist temptation... I guess it's an instinct.
Fixed: ... not caring if my ticket said to take the aisle seat..... noticing that my father was seated right behind the first-class passengers;guess he couldn't resist the temptation... I guess it was
Paragraph 4: ...She widen her fake smile, making it some what more obvious that she was annoyed with me. ..."Thank you finally."...
Fixed: ...She widened her fake smile, making it somewhat more obvious that she was annoyed with me. ..."Thank you, finally."...
Paragraph 5: .... I simply packed my bag like ordered by his henchmen and had everything ready three days before the flight was planned to take off.... Hell, I don't even know the real reason why we are leaving but at this point it truly isn't any of my concern.
Fixed: .... I simply packed my bag like I was ordered by his henchmen and had everything ready three days before the flight was planned to take off.... Hell, I didn't even know the real reason why we were leaving but at this point, it truly wasn't any of my concern.
Paragraph 6: ....and handed me a cup of dark roast coffee. Wow the nerve of this . ... but the fact that this is a fourteen hour flight... I sat up one more time and saw this dude was already sleep... We haven't even been in the air for more than a hour at the most. ... I swear she burned the out of this coffee, and that's practically impossible if you have common sense; probably was talking about the 'airhead girl' to the secondary pilot to even be bothered with the coffee.
Fixed: ....and handed me a cup of dark roasted coffee. Wow, the nerve of this . ... but the fact that this was a fourteen hour flight... I sat up one more time and saw that this dude had already fallen asleep... We haven't even been in the air for more than an hour at
And I realised you liked to use 'at this point'. LOL! There are about 3 of them in 9 paragraphs. Try to minimize it. Anyway, these are your mistakes in chapter one.
Personal enjoyment (005/005)
How I wish to have EXO be my bodyguards. Hahahah! I really like this idea, although it could be slight clinche, but not all clinche stories are bad. And yours is a good one. I've enjoyed reading your story so I'm going to stay subscribed.
total score (079/100)
reviewer's advice:
The story is good, I admit that it's a good plot. But the development is definitely lacking, and seeing that they are editted chapters and you still have some tenses or grammatical mistakes, it'll be better to have your story proofread.
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