✍️ Turquoise Eyes || Review
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Although the title does match the whole theme of the story, it’s not eye catching. It doesn’t scream to the passing by readers, “Read me!”
description/foreword (009/010)
Your description is an opportunity to attract readers so use it. On AFF you have an average of 62-63 characters allowed for a description at first look. When you look at your story (like when you go to your stories), this is what the description comes up as “He had fair skin and wavy, light-colored hair. But what struck her the most, was his eyes. His eyes.” I would suggest writing a different description and adding the lengthy one to the Forward.
characterization (005/020)
You lack in a lot of characterization in most of the characters. I feel like you really only focused on Miko and Lay but even then they’re really lacking too. If you look at Miko’s situation realistically, she seems to have been isolated after the age of 6. Isolation can have a huge, lasting effect on a person’s mentality as well as the trauma created by the vampire attack. Have you ever seen the movie, Room, created in 2015 or the Wild Child: The Story of Feral Children? If you haven’t, I would suggest taking a look at them so you can understand the everlasting effects of isolation and trauma especially at a young age.
As for Lay, there’s usually a reason for his “calculating” attitude. From how I see it, it seems like he has more power than what he prompts to have and has an ulterior motive. Maybe he purposely set up his father to become addicted to Sehun’s mother’s blood so he could kill him without the “look” of murder. Also I think you confused his character when he willing lets Sehun join him and Kai but not Miko. Can she not be turned a vampire or was he just using Sehun as a tool to his power?
Sehun has no development at all which is extremely disappointing considering the influence and love he has on Miko. I wish you really developed him because it would add a more of an ach to the heart at the end. I felt sad but I didn’t feel that it was as important as it should have been. The same goes for Kai.
plot (020/020)
I think your plot was excellent. I’ve read many different fanfics before and I can definitely say this is one of the most unique stories ever. I like how you thought this out and changed what readers would expect to something completely opposite.
writing style (020/020)
Your writing style is very smooth and fluent. It’s rare to find an author who has such an excellent sense of style. The best part is that you never lost the reader among your writing. You kept it at a pace that was constant but not overwhelming.
grammer (020/020)
Again, job well done. Do you beta read or do you have someone beta-reading for you? Either way, it’s excellent.
Personal enjoyment (005/005)
I really did enjoy this story. I love how you thought out the plot and transitioned it. Whoever hasn’t read this before is clearly missing out!
total score (083/100)
reviewer's advice:
Develop your characters more.
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