✍️ Raising My Twelve Boys || Review
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | Here's your review. Don't take it too personally, it's just my point of view of the story of course. Anyway, I enjoy reading the story so far. So keep it up! I'm gonna stay subscribed.
Title (005/005)
The title itself was nice, pretty much sums up your whole story. It could attract the attention of the readers who have the fantasy of being a sort of 'mother' image to their idols.
description/foreword (009/010)
The description was neat, not too long and neither was it too short. It kind of gave a sneak peek of the plot, but it also gives off a clinche feeling.
characterization (018/020)
18 years old. Joohyun was supposed to be 18 years old. That was what I gained from the character chapter anyway. I don't think she's supposed to be legal to adopt children yet. But if she's not, then nevermind. LOL! Anyway, it's a story, so, anything would be possible I guess. Anyway, characterization was fine. I see the distinct personalities the boys have. Joohyun's character development was alright as well, I could see the change she was going through because of the boys. All in all, I'm fine with the characterization.
The title itself was nice, pretty much sums up your whole story. It could attract the attention of the readers who have the fantasy of being a sort of 'mother' image to their idols.
description/foreword (009/010)
The description was neat, not too long and neither was it too short. It kind of gave a sneak peek of the plot, but it also gives off a clinche feeling.
characterization (018/020)
18 years old. Joohyun was supposed to be 18 years old. That was what I gained from the character chapter anyway. I don't think she's supposed to be legal to adopt children yet. But if she's not, then nevermind. LOL! Anyway, it's a story, so, anything would be possible I guess. Anyway, characterization was fine. I see the distinct personalities the boys have. Joohyun's character development was alright as well, I could see the change she was going through because of the boys. All in all, I'm fine with the characterization.
plot (014/020)
The plot itself was nice. I expected something like a girl taking care of 12 already grown up boys, like she was being asked to take care of 12 troublemakers of sort. But I didn't expect EXO to be toddlers. As in literally a child of not more the 8 years old. I was genuinely taken by surprise, so it was a nice and refreshing story to read.
However, the plot development was somewhat confusing. Every chapter depicts a different scenario altogether. Although it links with one another, it was rather messy. One minute you were writing about the boys' life, another minute you write about Joohyun's. I don't mind having different sections like what you did in chapter 3, 'little did they know that there were nine other boys doing the same thing'. That part was fine. But the sudden flashbacks of Joohyun's life doesn't link back to the plot. I assume that your story mostly centers around Joohyun and the boys' life, so it'll be best if the flashback happens when the boys are around. For example, seeing them play around the snow, and she was reminded of the time she loved the snow but now hated it. Seeing them play around the snow made her feel warm on the inside and she might've come to love snow again. The development would be better if the story was written like that. Now, the flashbacks seem rather out of the blue. It's like, she turned and saw a cat, and it reminded her of a time when she was scratched by a cat. It'll be better if she saw one of the boys playing with a cat and it reminded her of the time she was scratched by a cat, so, she called the boy over in fear of him being scratched. Something like that? If you get what I mean.
Another thing I want to point out is orphans are usually very introvert and extremely wary of their new guardian, regardless whether or not they're used to having her around.
Besides that, the development was there, although a little fast-paced due to the boys easily accepting Joohyun as their mother. And the sudden revelation that Joohyun actually does a little of organ trafficking, in a way.
The plot itself was nice. I expected something like a girl taking care of 12 already grown up boys, like she was being asked to take care of 12 troublemakers of sort. But I didn't expect EXO to be toddlers. As in literally a child of not more the 8 years old. I was genuinely taken by surprise, so it was a nice and refreshing story to read.
However, the plot development was somewhat confusing. Every chapter depicts a different scenario altogether. Although it links with one another, it was rather messy. One minute you were writing about the boys' life, another minute you write about Joohyun's. I don't mind having different sections like what you did in chapter 3, 'little did they know that there were nine other boys doing the same thing'. That part was fine. But the sudden flashbacks of Joohyun's life doesn't link back to the plot. I assume that your story mostly centers around Joohyun and the boys' life, so it'll be best if the flashback happens when the boys are around. For example, seeing them play around the snow, and she was reminded of the time she loved the snow but now hated it. Seeing them play around the snow made her feel warm on the inside and she might've come to love snow again. The development would be better if the story was written like that. Now, the flashbacks seem rather out of the blue. It's like, she turned and saw a cat, and it reminded her of a time when she was scratched by a cat. It'll be better if she saw one of the boys playing with a cat and it reminded her of the time she was scratched by a cat, so, she called the boy over in fear of him being scratched. Something like that? If you get what I mean.
Another thing I want to point out is orphans are usually very introvert and extremely wary of their new guardian, regardless whether or not they're used to having her around.
Besides that, the development was there, although a little fast-paced due to the boys easily accepting Joohyun as their mother. And the sudden revelation that Joohyun actually does a little of organ trafficking, in a way.
writing style (014/020)
This style of writing was fine, in a way. But sometimes, I find insufficient description that could be paired with the dialogue. Once or twice is fine, but a whole string of dialogue at the same time with no expression or whatsoever could seem rather bland. It would feel slightly monotone in a way and the readers wouldn't be able to imagine the voice expression the characters are using. But there wasn't much, I assume that those dialogues without the use of expression phrases would likely mean that the character was talking in a monotone voice. Like how Joohyun talks to her mother. I could roughly visualize that since they didn't have the best relationship.
The description for places and the character's actions were fine. It was sufficient for me to visualize the place in my head. But I'm not a fan of pictures in a chapter. If you want to add pictures, hyperlink the word with the url of the picture. But if you want to leave it, you can. It's just my personal preference. I'm also not a fan of stories with korean words besides 'Umma', 'Appa', 'Unnie', 'Oppa', 'Hyung'. In other words, nouns. It's an English story, so I would prefer reading English from the beginning till the end. That again is my personal preference.
Don't use too much repititive letters like thissssss and don't use too much CAP LOCKS. It's rather distracting. You have already written an expression 'Yelled', so there is no need to put CAPS in the dialogues since the reader's mind would automatically switch to that expression while imagining the voice in their heads.
grammar (015/020)
You have a lot of spelling, typos and grammatical errors. Nothing major but it's very easy to spot. Either you reread the whole chapter, or get a beta-reader to correct them for you. Proof-reading works too. I'm not going to dwell on it too much though. I would usually type in examples but since I'm on mobile, it's hard to go back and forth the tabs. LOL! Sorry. >.<
Personal enjoyment (003/005)
This story is definitely unique. I've never come across a story whereby EXO would be kids. LOL! But it's not my cup of tea to be honest. However, I'm looking forward to see the end of it though. I believe that the story would become better as it goes on. Good luck!
This style of writing was fine, in a way. But sometimes, I find insufficient description that could be paired with the dialogue. Once or twice is fine, but a whole string of dialogue at the same time with no expression or whatsoever could seem rather bland. It would feel slightly monotone in a way and the readers wouldn't be able to imagine the voice expression the characters are using. But there wasn't much, I assume that those dialogues without the use of expression phrases would likely mean that the character was talking in a monotone voice. Like how Joohyun talks to her mother. I could roughly visualize that since they didn't have the best relationship.
The description for places and the character's actions were fine. It was sufficient for me to visualize the place in my head. But I'm not a fan of pictures in a chapter. If you want to add pictures, hyperlink the word with the url of the picture. But if you want to leave it, you can. It's just my personal preference. I'm also not a fan of stories with korean words besides 'Umma', 'Appa', 'Unnie', 'Oppa', 'Hyung'. In other words, nouns. It's an English story, so I would prefer reading English from the beginning till the end. That again is my personal preference.
Don't use too much repititive letters like thissssss and don't use too much CAP LOCKS. It's rather distracting. You have already written an expression 'Yelled', so there is no need to put CAPS in the dialogues since the reader's mind would automatically switch to that expression while imagining the voice in their heads.
grammar (015/020)
You have a lot of spelling, typos and grammatical errors. Nothing major but it's very easy to spot. Either you reread the whole chapter, or get a beta-reader to correct them for you. Proof-reading works too. I'm not going to dwell on it too much though. I would usually type in examples but since I'm on mobile, it's hard to go back and forth the tabs. LOL! Sorry. >.<
Personal enjoyment (003/005)
This story is definitely unique. I've never come across a story whereby EXO would be kids. LOL! But it's not my cup of tea to be honest. However, I'm looking forward to see the end of it though. I believe that the story would become better as it goes on. Good luck!
total score (078/100)
reviewer's advice:
Reread your chapter a couple of time, be it before or after publishing. It's easy to spot the mistakes so it's easy to fix as well. Unless you prefer to have it beta-read/proofread then you are free to do so of course.
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