✍️ Blonde Fur || Review
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REVIEWER'S NOTES | Don't be too disappointed with the score. There is always a room for improvements. :)
Title (005/005)
It was creative. Although a little vague or ambiguous. 'Fur' could mean hair or literally fur in general. But in this context, it's just, literally fur. Hahahah! It's amusing just thinking about it.
description/foreword (007/010)
It was short. Just 6 words to summarize the whole story. I honestly thought it was lacking. It wasn't all that eye catching either. However, it could make the readers wonder what exactly is the story about. So, I'm not complaining much about the description. Oh, and instead of single quotation marks, I suggest you used italics. I think it'll be more appropriate that way. Quotation marks are used for quotes, not for emphasis. In this context, you're trying to emphasize on the Blonde Fur right? So instead of 'Blond Fur' , use Blonde Fur.
It was creative. Although a little vague or ambiguous. 'Fur' could mean hair or literally fur in general. But in this context, it's just, literally fur. Hahahah! It's amusing just thinking about it.
description/foreword (007/010)
It was short. Just 6 words to summarize the whole story. I honestly thought it was lacking. It wasn't all that eye catching either. However, it could make the readers wonder what exactly is the story about. So, I'm not complaining much about the description. Oh, and instead of single quotation marks, I suggest you used italics. I think it'll be more appropriate that way. Quotation marks are used for quotes, not for emphasis. In this context, you're trying to emphasize on the Blonde Fur right? So instead of 'Blond Fur' , use Blonde Fur.
characterization (010/020)
I have nothing much to comment here to be honest. It's a one-shot story so I didn't expect any character developments in the story. I focus more on the characterization but yours was just general. It's like all the characters have the same personality. Very easily annoyed by Jongin who's annoyed that he didn't have blonde fur. That was basically all I managed to deduce from the whole one-shot story. Yes, that was all.
Besides Sehun. I don't exactly know much about him since he was introduced last. All I knew was he was a 'god' to Jongin, and well. He likes Jongin. He's extremely religious in a sense, believing strongly in what destiny/fate has install for him. That was basically all I can deduce. It was enough for a one shot I guess.
plot (014/020)
It was creative. I have to admit. It was my first time reading something like that. The whole concept was about Jongin wanting blonde ink to impress Sehun. But it was confusing to be honest. You keep going back and forth between wolf and human. I don't even know if the characters in this whole story were purely wolf, or were they purely human. Because I'm pretty sure human do not have fur all around their body. And I'm extremely sure wolves cannot drink coffee. Either you tell the readers when the characters shift into their wolf form, or you keep the form constant.
However, the plotflow was rather smooth. That was good.
writing style (012/020)
It was vague. There were details, but it was lacking, making it hard to visualize the scenes in my head. And honestly, the sentence structure bothered me a lot. There were a lot of errors in the story. That will bring us to the next point.
grammer (009/020)
Capitalization, punctuation, spelling, grammar, tenses. All these have errors in them. It's a story of less than 1500 words, so it'll be easy to correct them. I'll correct them for you here, so you don't have to get it proofread or have a betareader do it for you. I'll proofread it for you here. However, it is your choice whether or not you want to use it. :)
"You know what's the best kind of fur?" - I've removed the comma, because there was absolutely no need for a pause in the question. And after a comma, there shouldn't be any capitalization. Capitalization only occurs after a full stop, titles or a name.
"Yes Jongin, we all know. Thanks to your regular lecture on 'Blonde Fur is the best, Sehun's fur is the best' ", groaned Jongdae, who had his eyes closed. -You forgot to close the single quotation mark. And same with the capitalization problem. I tweeked abit for the last statement, you can leave it as it is if you want to.
Jongin, Jongdae and Joonmyeon, A.K.A the 'Kim wolves', who had all the time in the world since their pack thinks that 'it's for the pack's benefit if they don't work at all given the genius they are'. The three of them were hanging out at their hangout spot near the river again. - I separated the sentence into two. There are too many commas in a sentence and to be honest, the sentence got me slightly confused and I had to read it again. The plural for 'wolf' is 'wolves'. The correct idiom is 'all the time in the world'.
There was one thing they never failed to discuss about, courtesy to Kim Jongin's 'What's the best kind of fur?'. -I deleted the comma because it was redundant. To help you reduce punctuation errors, especially commas, try saying the sentence out loud. If you think that there is no need for a pause in the sentence, don't put the comma in.
Honestly, it was fine for the first three months or maybe a year, but for five years. Five freaking years. Now that changes things. The only reason that Xiumin -the only useful wolf among the Kim- left the group was because he didn't want be a murderer. However, it was difficult 'not to kill Kim Jongin'. -I separated some sentences to give more impact to the paragraph.
Xiumin now proudly works with Yifan. They basically took care of the heights of the trees in the forest. They keep every kind of data by roaming in the forest. Datas that range from the tallest tree to the shortest dwarf tree. They even kept samples of tree fluids, mixing them with different kind of inks like a scientist. -I changed th whole sentence structure, and corrected the grammar.
The inks that were formed by Yifan and Xiumin were all used by Baekhyun to paint on his canvas, so, the pack thought that it was fine and let them be. This made them think that they were future scientists. Honestly, they were the only ones who thought that they were working. The pack thought that it was a pointless job. But the pack was just happy that they didn't need to see their faces all day long while they run around the forest with a measuring tape. -I have no idea what you were trying to say for this paragraph so I'm just going to assume you're trying to say this. Anyway, the branket was unnecessary. You can just add them into the paragraph.
"Why can't I have blonde fur?" -This was clearly a question, so it should be a question mark, not a full stop. Plus, it shouldn't be outside the quotation mark. It should be inside. That's the correct sentence structure.
It was now Joonmyeon's turn to groan. "Your black fur is just fine Jongin." -Correct punctuation. Just that it should be placed inside the quotation mark. And there was a grammar error.
"Yes! Just fine. JUST FINE! I don't want it to be JUST FINE! You're just saying that because you have blonde fur." -Same problem as the previous paragraph. And I added some words inside to make the sentence smoother.
If it was in Joonmyeon's hands, he would have already ripped his fur and glued it to Jongin but that was apparently illegal. It had got to do with the scent that each wolf has. -From here on, you should know what your mistakes are. So, I'll just correct the rest for you.
"You know what? I have an idea." Jongdae piped up.
Jongin instantly sat up with a brightened mood, feeling hopeful. Whereas Joonmyeon muttered, "Not again."
"That's your plan?" Joonmyeon asked incredulously after listening to the long, elaborated plan from Jongdae.
"Yes." Jongdae chirped while Jongin jumped in favor.
"I swear, Xiumin will kill us." Joonmyeon concluded as they got up to work on their 'so-called' plan.
The plan was simple. Sneak into Xiumin's hangout place. Find the tank that is filled with blonde ink. Throw Jongin into the tank and come out alive, if possible.
The most important thing was to avoid Xiumin's eyes at all times, which was easy since the boy avoids them like they were plague.
"You're sure that Xiumin's not here?" Joonmyeon whispered, looking cautious.
"I think." Replied Jongdae, his voice as low as Joonmyeon's.
Jongin widened his eyes at this. The only person who hated Jongin with all his might was Xiumin. And here they were, breaking into Xiumin's place and Jongdae thinks, only thinks that Xiumin wasn't here. He was sure that he had death written in his fortune cookie today.
"Here here." Joonmyeon whispered when he found the tank.
"Where?" Jongin ran with the speed of light because 'Hey, it's blonde ink calling'.
Things went wrong when he couldn't control his speed, causing him to crach into the tank. This was followed by Xiumin shouting "Who's in there?!". Well, Jongdae thought wrong. Xiumin was here.
Fearing for his life, Jongin started running, causing him to crash into every single tank. The tanks toppled over one by one like a domino, spilling all the different colored inks on the floor and on himself. If Joonmyeon hadn't witnessed this for himself, he would never have believed that it was possible to topple every single tank that had been placed with such precision. Then again, Xiumin didn't hate Jongin for no reason.
All of them managed to escape before Xiumin came. Only the two of them had an I.Q. of a wolf, and that didn't include Jongin.
He managed to spill every single ink from Xiumin's collection on his body and was looking like a rainbow with all the different colors. But it wasn't the normal rainbow you usually see in the movies, it was a mess of colors. It looked like it was made by a frustrated painter, just like one of Baekhyun's paintings.
Xiumin was happy the next day, although Jongin had actually destroyed all of his collections. This was because Jongin looked horrible. He even managed to trick the pups into thinking that a monster was attacking their clan, causing some of them to cry.
Not only that, Jongin had became a laughing stock in the clan.
"And who are you?" Sehun wondered out loud when he came face to face with the colorful monster during their training.
"I-I" Jongin stuttered, thinking that it was better to hide his name than to embarrass himself in front of the blonde god. "I am Kai. Yes, Kai." Jongin lied.
"Sehun. Nice colors by the way." Sehun offered his hand to Kai for a handshake whilst wondering where on Earth his hunting partner went. He had never missed a day of training. He wasn't wondering this because he was unhappy with his new partner or anything like that. And no way in hell was he missing his original hunting partner.
Jongin had received a compliment from Sehun for the first time. Uh-huh. Scratch that. Kai was the one who received a compliment for having 'nice colors'. Too bad he couldn't distinguish the difference between mockery and a real compliment after being taunted upon for the last three days.
He had spent the whole weekend washing himself again and again, not wanting Sehun to see him like this. Too bad that the ink was permanent and it wouldn't go away until his fur falls off and was replaced with his original jet black shiny fur.
It was a relief that Sehun didn't recognize him. -Wonder of the world and the only silver lining- I'm not really sure what this sentence meant. Was he refering Sehun as the wonder of the world? I'll leave it as that. If you want to add the sentence, try to elaborate more on it.
"Wanna hangout after this?" Sehun asked while stretching. Kai was on cloud nine to say the least. It was the first time Sehun had asked to hangout. Maybe being painted with all different colored inks weren't so bad. He responded with a shy nod.
"Were you born with this hair? It's pretty cool." Sehun complimented again after taking a sip of his bubbletea. He was looking at Kai's colored fur.
"Yeah." Jongin lied smoothly, feeling happy. Sehun replied with a nod.
"You know, before you, my partner was a guy named Jongin and he had the best fur in the world Like seriously, how could someone with that cool fur exist?" Kai choked on his coffee and Sehun's voice was nothing but dreamy. He continued closing the gap between Kai and himself before whispering into Kai's ear. "Don't tell anybody, but I envy his black and shiny fur."
"What?" Jongin spat.
Sehun shook his head in disapproval. "It's not anything bad. Trust me. I hold nothing against Jongin. Why would I? I am crushing on his for ages."
Kai had never looked that funny in hi life as he stared at Sehun.
"Don't tell anybody, but I think he likes me too. I was about to ask him out today, but he didn't show up." Sehun released a sad chuckle. Jongin wanted to wipe the sad expression off Sehun's face.
Sehun sighed. "It's fate isn't it? Just when I was about to wolf-up and confess, he didn't show up. I guess we weren't meant for each other. It's destiny giving me a signal."
Kai wanted to say and scream, 'No, no! They are definitely meant for each other!' but before he could even open his mouth, Sehun threw his cup into the bin and banged the table with his fist. "I won't ask him out. Heck, I would reject him if he asks me out because destiny wants us to be that way." He said with a determined expression.
Kai interrupted Sehun, shaking his head wildly whilst pleading. But it was again cut off by Sehun who slammed his fist on the table, "And that's final." He said with finality. Not listening to any of Kai's pleas.
Kai just wanted to die now.
Personal enjoyment (002/005)
With some adjustments to the plot, and the errors, I might've enjoyed the story a lot more. Stories should always have a lesson at the end, but I guess yours was just don't be a fool. 'Be yourself.' It gives me that kind of impression.
I have nothing much to comment here to be honest. It's a one-shot story so I didn't expect any character developments in the story. I focus more on the characterization but yours was just general. It's like all the characters have the same personality. Very easily annoyed by Jongin who's annoyed that he didn't have blonde fur. That was basically all I managed to deduce from the whole one-shot story. Yes, that was all.
Besides Sehun. I don't exactly know much about him since he was introduced last. All I knew was he was a 'god' to Jongin, and well. He likes Jongin. He's extremely religious in a sense, believing strongly in what destiny/fate has install for him. That was basically all I can deduce. It was enough for a one shot I guess.
plot (014/020)
It was creative. I have to admit. It was my first time reading something like that. The whole concept was about Jongin wanting blonde ink to impress Sehun. But it was confusing to be honest. You keep going back and forth between wolf and human. I don't even know if the characters in this whole story were purely wolf, or were they purely human. Because I'm pretty sure human do not have fur all around their body. And I'm extremely sure wolves cannot drink coffee. Either you tell the readers when the characters shift into their wolf form, or you keep the form constant.
However, the plotflow was rather smooth. That was good.
writing style (012/020)
It was vague. There were details, but it was lacking, making it hard to visualize the scenes in my head. And honestly, the sentence structure bothered me a lot. There were a lot of errors in the story. That will bring us to the next point.
grammer (009/020)
Capitalization, punctuation, spelling, grammar, tenses. All these have errors in them. It's a story of less than 1500 words, so it'll be easy to correct them. I'll correct them for you here, so you don't have to get it proofread or have a betareader do it for you. I'll proofread it for you here. However, it is your choice whether or not you want to use it. :)
"You know what's the best kind of fur?" - I've removed the comma, because there was absolutely no need for a pause in the question. And after a comma, there shouldn't be any capitalization. Capitalization only occurs after a full stop, titles or a name.
"Yes Jongin, we all know. Thanks to your regular lecture on 'Blonde Fur is the best, Sehun's fur is the best' ", groaned Jongdae, who had his eyes closed. -You forgot to close the single quotation mark. And same with the capitalization problem. I tweeked abit for the last statement, you can leave it as it is if you want to.
Jongin, Jongdae and Joonmyeon, A.K.A the 'Kim wolves', who had all the time in the world since their pack thinks that 'it's for the pack's benefit if they don't work at all given the genius they are'. The three of them were hanging out at their hangout spot near the river again. - I separated the sentence into two. There are too many commas in a sentence and to be honest, the sentence got me slightly confused and I had to read it again. The plural for 'wolf' is 'wolves'. The correct idiom is 'all the time in the world'.
There was one thing they never failed to discuss about, courtesy to Kim Jongin's 'What's the best kind of fur?'. -I deleted the comma because it was redundant. To help you reduce punctuation errors, especially commas, try saying the sentence out loud. If you think that there is no need for a pause in the sentence, don't put the comma in.
Honestly, it was fine for the first three months or maybe a year, but for five years. Five freaking years. Now that changes things. The only reason that Xiumin -the only useful wolf among the Kim- left the group was because he didn't want be a murderer. However, it was difficult 'not to kill Kim Jongin'. -I separated some sentences to give more impact to the paragraph.
Xiumin now proudly works with Yifan. They basically took care of the heights of the trees in the forest. They keep every kind of data by roaming in the forest. Datas that range from the tallest tree to the shortest dwarf tree. They even kept samples of tree fluids, mixing them with different kind of inks like a scientist. -I changed th whole sentence structure, and corrected the grammar.
The inks that were formed by Yifan and Xiumin were all used by Baekhyun to paint on his canvas, so, the pack thought that it was fine and let them be. This made them think that they were future scientists. Honestly, they were the only ones who thought that they were working. The pack thought that it was a pointless job. But the pack was just happy that they didn't need to see their faces all day long while they run around the forest with a measuring tape. -I have no idea what you were trying to say for this paragraph so I'm just going to assume you're trying to say this. Anyway, the branket was unnecessary. You can just add them into the paragraph.
"Why can't I have blonde fur?" -This was clearly a question, so it should be a question mark, not a full stop. Plus, it shouldn't be outside the quotation mark. It should be inside. That's the correct sentence structure.
It was now Joonmyeon's turn to groan. "Your black fur is just fine Jongin." -Correct punctuation. Just that it should be placed inside the quotation mark. And there was a grammar error.
"Yes! Just fine. JUST FINE! I don't want it to be JUST FINE! You're just saying that because you have blonde fur." -Same problem as the previous paragraph. And I added some words inside to make the sentence smoother.
If it was in Joonmyeon's hands, he would have already ripped his fur and glued it to Jongin but that was apparently illegal. It had got to do with the scent that each wolf has. -From here on, you should know what your mistakes are. So, I'll just correct the rest for you.
"You know what? I have an idea." Jongdae piped up.
Jongin instantly sat up with a brightened mood, feeling hopeful. Whereas Joonmyeon muttered, "Not again."
"That's your plan?" Joonmyeon asked incredulously after listening to the long, elaborated plan from Jongdae.
"Yes." Jongdae chirped while Jongin jumped in favor.
"I swear, Xiumin will kill us." Joonmyeon concluded as they got up to work on their 'so-called' plan.
The plan was simple. Sneak into Xiumin's hangout place. Find the tank that is filled with blonde ink. Throw Jongin into the tank and come out alive, if possible.
The most important thing was to avoid Xiumin's eyes at all times, which was easy since the boy avoids them like they were plague.
"You're sure that Xiumin's not here?" Joonmyeon whispered, looking cautious.
"I think." Replied Jongdae, his voice as low as Joonmyeon's.
Jongin widened his eyes at this. The only person who hated Jongin with all his might was Xiumin. And here they were, breaking into Xiumin's place and Jongdae thinks, only thinks that Xiumin wasn't here. He was sure that he had death written in his fortune cookie today.
"Here here." Joonmyeon whispered when he found the tank.
"Where?" Jongin ran with the speed of light because 'Hey, it's blonde ink calling'.
Things went wrong when he couldn't control his speed, causing him to crach into the tank. This was followed by Xiumin shouting "Who's in there?!". Well, Jongdae thought wrong. Xiumin was here.
Fearing for his life, Jongin started running, causing him to crash into every single tank. The tanks toppled over one by one like a domino, spilling all the different colored inks on the floor and on himself. If Joonmyeon hadn't witnessed this for himself, he would never have believed that it was possible to topple every single tank that had been placed with such precision. Then again, Xiumin didn't hate Jongin for no reason.
All of them managed to escape before Xiumin came. Only the two of them had an I.Q. of a wolf, and that didn't include Jongin.
He managed to spill every single ink from Xiumin's collection on his body and was looking like a rainbow with all the different colors. But it wasn't the normal rainbow you usually see in the movies, it was a mess of colors. It looked like it was made by a frustrated painter, just like one of Baekhyun's paintings.
Xiumin was happy the next day, although Jongin had actually destroyed all of his collections. This was because Jongin looked horrible. He even managed to trick the pups into thinking that a monster was attacking their clan, causing some of them to cry.
Not only that, Jongin had became a laughing stock in the clan.
"And who are you?" Sehun wondered out loud when he came face to face with the colorful monster during their training.
"I-I" Jongin stuttered, thinking that it was better to hide his name than to embarrass himself in front of the blonde god. "I am Kai. Yes, Kai." Jongin lied.
"Sehun. Nice colors by the way." Sehun offered his hand to Kai for a handshake whilst wondering where on Earth his hunting partner went. He had never missed a day of training. He wasn't wondering this because he was unhappy with his new partner or anything like that. And no way in hell was he missing his original hunting partner.
Jongin had received a compliment from Sehun for the first time. Uh-huh. Scratch that. Kai was the one who received a compliment for having 'nice colors'. Too bad he couldn't distinguish the difference between mockery and a real compliment after being taunted upon for the last three days.
He had spent the whole weekend washing himself again and again, not wanting Sehun to see him like this. Too bad that the ink was permanent and it wouldn't go away until his fur falls off and was replaced with his original jet black shiny fur.
It was a relief that Sehun didn't recognize him. -Wonder of the world and the only silver lining- I'm not really sure what this sentence meant. Was he refering Sehun as the wonder of the world? I'll leave it as that. If you want to add the sentence, try to elaborate more on it.
"Wanna hangout after this?" Sehun asked while stretching. Kai was on cloud nine to say the least. It was the first time Sehun had asked to hangout. Maybe being painted with all different colored inks weren't so bad. He responded with a shy nod.
"Were you born with this hair? It's pretty cool." Sehun complimented again after taking a sip of his bubbletea. He was looking at Kai's colored fur.
"Yeah." Jongin lied smoothly, feeling happy. Sehun replied with a nod.
"You know, before you, my partner was a guy named Jongin and he had the best fur in the world Like seriously, how could someone with that cool fur exist?" Kai choked on his coffee and Sehun's voice was nothing but dreamy. He continued closing the gap between Kai and himself before whispering into Kai's ear. "Don't tell anybody, but I envy his black and shiny fur."
"What?" Jongin spat.
Sehun shook his head in disapproval. "It's not anything bad. Trust me. I hold nothing against Jongin. Why would I? I am crushing on his for ages."
Kai had never looked that funny in hi life as he stared at Sehun.
"Don't tell anybody, but I think he likes me too. I was about to ask him out today, but he didn't show up." Sehun released a sad chuckle. Jongin wanted to wipe the sad expression off Sehun's face.
Sehun sighed. "It's fate isn't it? Just when I was about to wolf-up and confess, he didn't show up. I guess we weren't meant for each other. It's destiny giving me a signal."
Kai wanted to say and scream, 'No, no! They are definitely meant for each other!' but before he could even open his mouth, Sehun threw his cup into the bin and banged the table with his fist. "I won't ask him out. Heck, I would reject him if he asks me out because destiny wants us to be that way." He said with a determined expression.
Kai interrupted Sehun, shaking his head wildly whilst pleading. But it was again cut off by Sehun who slammed his fist on the table, "And that's final." He said with finality. Not listening to any of Kai's pleas.
Kai just wanted to die now.
Personal enjoyment (002/005)
With some adjustments to the plot, and the errors, I might've enjoyed the story a lot more. Stories should always have a lesson at the end, but I guess yours was just don't be a fool. 'Be yourself.' It gives me that kind of impression.
total score (059/100)
reviewer's advice:
One-shot stories are hard to write, and I'm aware of that, since you're trying to squeeze an entire plot in a chapter. But before you write the story, you need to make a plotline. Making a plotline for a one-shot story is definitely easier than making a plotline for a book/novel. Developments is possible in the story, but you just have to know how to develop it.
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