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Chapter 35

“Can’t we talk about it?”  Yunho asked as he opened the front door he hope no one was home, but luck wasn’t in his favour his mother greeted them at the door. She could feel the tension coming from the pair as the walk through the door. Even though Yunho called out to Jaejoong, Jaejoong ignored him walking into the house with Karam following behind him a sideward glance to his father as he past hugging his grandmother who had her arm open for him. He looked back to his father from his grandmother arms. She wanted to ask but didn’t it wasn’t her place she whispered to her son. “Talk to him….” Her words were simple.  Yunho couldn’t denied the car ride home was silence Jaejoong sat l his gaze looking out the window, “Jae…

“Don’t,’ Jaejoong told him, “Just not know.,” Jaejoong spoke as he made his way upstairs, Yunho looked to his mother as he heard the sound of their bedroom down open and close. He wanted to follow but found his son looking at him. It was almost like he knew Yunho had messed up he hadn’t meant too…

“Go to him

“Umma…. It’s not that simple… Maybe I should give him time….

“Don’t leave it to long…..” Yunho nodded to his mother as she placed Karam down.

“Appa drink… thirsty.” Yunho nodded making his way to the kitchen, taking a juice carton from the fridge Jaejoong had a full range of Juice that Karam liked.  He handed to his son, but just in time to hear the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Yunho hoped Jaejoong was read to talk. He really needed to sort this out. “Jae let me just say…where are you going?”

“Out…  I need some time to think…..” Hearing Jaejoong word only made Yunho fell the pit in his stomach getting wider and wider with each second.

“Why….,” It was the first time Jaejoong looked Yunho in the eye and what Yunho saw scared him, he couldn’t figure why but it did. “Look I know…

“Do you.?” Jaejoong didn’t let him finish his sentence, he didn’t want to make a scene Karam was staring at them from the living room so Jaejoong kept his voice calm as he spoke. “because this always seem to come up.” Jaejoong rubbed at his sleeve strying to find something to do to take the pressure off his mind was racing car keys in hand.

“Jae,” Jaejoong shock his head.

“I’ll be back later” Jaejoong told him as he turned heading back out the front door Yunho not to far behind. Yunho held onto the car door as Jaejoong got in. “I only want to explain….

“Explain what Yunho?” Jaejoong looked up at him, “I understand I always have, but you have to see what this is doing to me…  I Love you Yunho with all I have but something I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you.” That just made Yunho feel worse, he wanted to say that wasn’t truth but Jaejoong didn’t give him the change…., “I can’t replace the hole in your heart Yunho.

“Jae….,” Yunho wanted to reach in and pull Jaejoong from the car.

“I need space Yunho. Can’t you give me that as least.” Yunho didn’t want to let Jaejoong go but he stepped back watching the car as he drove off.  He walked back to the house hoping praying Jaejoong would come back soon. Yunho mother looked at him as he walked in.

“He’ll be back soon….

“Did…Something happen?” She asked.

Sort of, not really, I  don’t know….?” Yunho thought about it what had he done this time.

****

He drove around for a while just driving thinking, contemplating on what to do nothing was simple in their relationship. Jaejoong knew he couldn’t replace her…never but maybe Yunho heart could grow so he could be in his heart too. He knew Yunho loved him, but sometime when Yunho spoke or made Jaejoong feel like he was nothing to him. He thought to the grave,

Yunho took the lollypop from Karam opening the paper before handing it back to his son.  Yunho smile at his son while Jaejoong took a quick glance to Yunho glancing at the woman.

“’Omo…. He’s grown so much…. He looks so much like you Yunho….” She covered watching the little boy. “Taeyeon would be so happy….. such a little man… Hi.” She waved from where she was wanting to hug him but figure she would be a stranger to the child.

“Hasn’t he…. He came to see his Umma today….?” Yunho told her.

“Umma…Here….” Karam looked to Jaejoong running over to him holding his lollypop in hand. Yunho turned his gaze to Jaejoong before looking to the woman.  Jaejoong remember the look Yunho gave him, It made Jaejoong heartache it was almost as if Yunho was ashamed of him in some way. Was it because Karam called him Umma. He couldn’t think of it until Yunho spoke. “Jaejoong this is Karam Grandmother, Taeyeon Mother…Umma,” Yunho wasn’t sure if he should call her that but it came out so natural, “This is Jaejoong he helps me with Karam. Karam very close to him.”

The word played in Jaejoong mind over and over, Yunho didn’t call him wife, did it mean that little to him.  Jaejoong hit the stirring wheel. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or upset both probably. It wasn’t until he heard someone beep at him he turned his attention back to driving he needs to pull over. He looked over his shoulder he’d forgotten he was in the middle of the road, he drove to the side of the road pulling into a spot. He looked around… he needed to do something, a walk clear his head something, he got out of the car walking a block away, continuing walking until he stopped at a bar.

****

It was the exactly atmosphere he wanted, he took a seat at the bar looking around him until a bartender spotted him, “What can I get you?” Jaejoong looked at him as he smiled.

“What’s your strongest drink….?” The man nodded, moving around the counter. “Bad day?”

“You could say that….’ Jaejoong answered as a glass was placed in front of him. “Thanks….” Jaejoong looked at the glass for only a second before drowning it down his throat allowing the liquid to burn as it went down. Jaejoong wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “Another please….” The bartender pours more into the glass.

“Must have been really bad….”

“Leave the bottle.” Jaejoong place money on the counter eyeing the glass the whole time. Three glasses down Jaejoong poured another and another numbing out the pain was his goal. He could feel the drink numbing out the pain in his heart.

“Want to talk about it…. Bartenders can be great listener.”

****

“Hello…

“Su have you seen Jaejoong?” Yunho spoked realising he must have woken his cousin up but he couldn’t think of anyone else Jaejoong would go to. He waited hour after hour waiting for Jaejoong to come home, but when no car came up the driveway Yunho got worried. He’d rang Jaejoong phone but it cut out so many time. Jaejoong wasn’t answering him.

“No why... is something wrong?”

“No… it nothing I was just…

“Yunho…?”

Yunho didn’t know how to say it. “I may have said something that hurt Jaejoong. I’m trying to find him he hasn’t come home yet. I’m starting to worry it unlike him”

“Have you rang his phone….

“Course I have he’s not answering, that’s the first thing I did…

“He couldn’t have go afar…. Could he….? Listen I’ll give him a call see will he pick up. Jusnu told him. “Why don’t you try work…. He is a workaholic like you… so it wouldn’t surprise me if he was there.

“I’ll give it a try…. Bye…,” Yunho dialled the next number. “Come on Jaejoong where are you?”

“Can’t we talk about it?”  Yunho asked as he opened the front door he hope no one was home, but luck wasn’t in his favour his mother greeted them at the door. She could feel the tension coming from the pair as the walk through the door. Even though Yunho called out to Jaejoong, Jaejoong ignored him walking into the house with Karam following behind him a sideward glance to his father as he past hugging his grandmother who had her arm open for him. He looked back to his father from his grandmother arms. She wanted to ask but didn’t it wasn’t her place she whispered to her son. “Talk to him….” Her words were simple.  Yunho couldn’t denied the car ride home was silence Jaejoong sat l his gaze looking out the window, “Jae…

“Don’t,’ Jaejoong told him, “Just not know.,” Jaejoong spoke as he made his way upstairs, Yunho looked to his mother as he heard the sound of their bedroom down open and close. He wanted to follow but found his son looking at him. It was almost like he knew Yunho had messed up he hadn’t meant too…

“Go to him

“Umma…. It’s not that simple… Maybe I should give him time….

“Don’t leave it to long…..” Yunho nodded to his mother as she placed Karam down.

“Appa drink… thirsty.” Yunho nodded making his way to the kitchen, taking a juice carton from the fridge Jaejoong had a full range of Juice that Karam liked.  He handed to his son, but just in time to hear the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Yunho hoped Jaejoong was read to talk. He really needed to sort this out. “Jae let me just say…where are you going?”

“Out…  I need some time to think…..” Hearing Jaejoong word only made Yunho fell the pit in his stomach getting wider and wider with each second.

“Why….,” It was the first time Jaejoong looked Yunho in the eye and what Yunho saw scared him, he couldn’t figure why but it did. “Look I know…

“Do you.?” Jaejoong didn’t let him finish his sentence, he didn’t want to make a scene Karam was staring at them from the living room so Jaejoong kept his voice calm as he spoke. “because this always seem to come up.” Jaejoong rubbed at his sleeve strying to find something to do to take the pressure off his mind was racing car keys in hand.

“Jae,” Jaejoong shock his head.

“I’ll be back later” Jaejoong told him as he turned heading back out the front door Yunho not to far behind. Yunho held onto the car door as Jaejoong got in. “I only want to explain….

“Explain what Yunho?” Jaejoong looked up at him, “I understand I always have, but you have to see what this is doing to me…  I Love you Yunho with all I have but something I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you.” That just made Yunho feel worse, he wanted to say that wasn’t truth but Jaejoong didn’t give him the change…., “I can’t replace the hole in your heart Yunho.

“Jae….,” Yunho wanted to reach in and pull Jaejoong from the car.

“I need space Yunho. Can’t you give me that as least.” Yunho didn’t want to let Jaejoong go but he stepped back watching the car as he drove off.  He walked back to the house hoping praying Jaejoong would come back soon. Yunho mother looked at him as he walked in.

“He’ll be back soon….

“Did…Something happen?” She asked.

Sort of, not really, I  don’t know….?” Yunho thought about it what had he done this time.

****

He drove around for a while just driving thinking, contemplating on what to do nothing was simple in their relationship. Jaejoong knew he couldn’t replace her…never but maybe Yunho heart could grow so he could be in his heart too. He knew Yunho loved him, but sometime when Yunho spoke or made Jaejoong feel like he was nothing to him. He thought to the grave,

Yunho took the lollypop from Karam opening the paper before handing it back to his son.  Yunho smile at his son while Jaejoong took a quick glance to Yunho glancing at the woman.

“’Omo…. He’s grown so much…. He looks so much like you Yunho….” She covered watching the little boy. “Taeyeon would be so happy….. such a little man… Hi.” She waved from where she was wanting to hug him but figure she would be a stranger to the child.

“Hasn’t he…. He came to see his Umma today….?” Yunho told her.

“Umma…Here….” Karam looked to Jaejoong running over to him holding his lollypop in hand. Yunho turned his gaze to Jaejoong before looking to the woman.  Jaejoong remember the look Yunho gave him, It made Jaejoong heartache it was almost as if Yunho was ashamed of him in some way. Was it because Karam called him Umma. He couldn’t think of it until Yunho spoke. “Jaejoong this is Karam Grandmother, Taeyeon Mother…Umma,” Yunho wasn’t sure if he should call her that but it came out so natural, “This is Jaejoong he helps me with Karam. Karam very close to him.”

The word played in Jaejoong mind over and over, Yunho didn’t call him wife, did it mean that little to him.  Jaejoong hit the stirring wheel. He wasn’t sure if he was angry or upset both probably. It wasn’t until he heard someone beep at him he turned his attention back to driving he needs to pull over. He looked over his shoulder he’d forgotten he was in the middle of the road, he drove to the side of the road pulling into a spot. He looked around… he needed to do something, a walk clear his head something, he got out of the car walking a block away, continuing walking until he stopped at a bar.

****

It was the exactly atmosphere he wanted, he took a seat at the bar looking around him until a bartender spotted him, “What can I get you?” Jaejoong looked at him as he smiled.

“What’s your strongest drink….?” The man nodded, moving around the counter. “Bad day?”

“You could say that….’ Jaejoong answered as a glass was placed in front of him. “Thanks….” Jaejoong looked at the glass for only a second before drowning it down his throat allowing the liquid to burn as it went down. Jaejoong wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “Another please….” The bartender pours more into the glass.

“Must have been really bad….”

“Leave the bottle.” Jaejoong place money on the counter eyeing the glass the whole time. Three glasses down Jaejoong poured another and another numbing out the pain was his goal. He could feel the drink numbing out the pain in his heart.

“Want to talk about it…. Bartenders can be great listener.”

****

“Hello…

“Su have you seen Jaejoong?” Yunho spoked realising he must have woken his cousin up but he couldn’t think of anyone else Jaejoong would go to. He waited hour after hour waiting for Jaejoong to come home, but when no car came up the driveway Yunho got worried. He’d rang Jaejoong phone but it cut out so many time. Jaejoong wasn’t answering him.

“No why... is something wrong?”

“No… it nothing I was just…

“Yunho…?”

Yunho didn’t know how to say it. “I may have said something that hurt Jaejoong. I’m trying to find him he hasn’t come home yet. I’m starting to worry it unlike him”

“Have you rang his phone….

“Course I have he’s not answering, that’s the first thing I did…

“He couldn’t have go afar…. Could he….? Listen I’ll give him a call see will he pick up. Jusnu told him. “Why don’t you try work…. He is a workaholic like you… so it wouldn’t surprise me if he was there.

“I’ll give it a try…. Bye…,” Yunho dialled the next number. “Come on Jaejoong where are you?”

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Yunho.... what have you done this time....

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