April 2016

Fear. A feeling induced by perceived danger or threat which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior.

The sound of the waves brushing onto the sand had cradled HyunSeung like the sweetest of lullabies, making him close his eyes as he had been walking leisurely on the beach of Gwangalli. Obviously, a stupid idea that had almost made him break his leg as his foot had violently hit on a rock (he had been able to tell from the cruel solidity of the object, dragging the small brunette who had been holding his hand, down in his fall, right atop of him.

"Ouch." HyunSeung had groaned, embarrassingly avoiding the look full of blame he had been certain his girlfriend had had on her face. However, he hadn't been able to verify the rightfulness of his call as Hyuna had turned her head away as well, probably disturbed by the sudden proximity after an entire week of…abstention. Or rather, a vengeful punishment from the young girl's part after the nth argument they had had.

"Who walks anywhere eyes closed..." Hyuna had mumbled, getting off the lead vocalist. She had dusted herself off without even a look towards him, shaking her feet for the sand that had entered her sandals to get out.

"I'm sorry. Are you ok?" HyunSeung had straightened himself, however remaining sat down. 

"Amazing." Hyuna had rolled her eyes, proceeding to start walking to their destination, but the lead vocalist had held onto her hand, earning an inquisitive look from his girlfriend.

"Why don't we just sit for a minute?" He had proposed, rather demanded since he would have made sure she wouldn't have gone anywhere before they'd have had a much-needed discussion about the latest events that had happened in their roller coaster like lives.

Indifferent, Hyuna had shrugged before she had sat by him, a ridiculous amount of space separating them. Lest to annoy her, HyunSeung hadn't moved closer to, rather opting for the method he had used three years ago when'd suddenly want to jump her and never let go. Wait for the right opening, and then slither into it.

"I…I like this kind of weather. Not too sunny, not too cold, just perfect...don't you think?" The lead vocalist had tried to smoothen the atmosphere, getting ignored as a response. 

"Besides, it allowed us to have a one-kilometer beach all for ourselves. Isn't it romantic?" HyunSeung had followed his intuition, knowing she would have never bought the idea that he could find anything romantic. Simply because he had no idea what that even was. 

"Not like you planned it."

Bingo. Almost laughing at how easily his plan had worked, HyunSeung had been happy to have had a point Hyuna wouldn't have been able to deny, for once. Even if he hadn't planned on stumbling over and having her getting sand in her shoes, he hadn't brought her here to go back empty handed. 

"Listen, I didn't bring you here for us to fight again but for us to make up. Besides, I'm not the one at fault completely this time so…help me out a bit on that one, will you?" The young man had pleaded, looking at her clearly for the first time since they had arrived in the pro, the night before. 

Displeased by the fact that she had got trapped, Hyuna hadn't looked back at him, focused on grabbing and releasing the granular substance, tracing random patterns in it. We will stay here all day if necessary. The young man had thought to himself, although the crowd would have had them obliged to leave at some point. However, he had had all the patience in the world at this present moment, after all, his mission had finally been accomplished. There had been no need to rush anymore. No more lies to tell. No more schedules to stand. No more hypocritical members to stand.

In five days, HyunSeung would leave Beast, at last.

"I don't think things had to end this way." Hyuna had finally said, interrupting her motions.

"Even if I understand what were the reasons for your reckless behavior, for your resentment…I ask you again, was it really worth it?" Hyuna had brought her legs to her body, resting her chin on her knees. Indeed, it had now been the second time Hyuna had asked him this, and HyunSeung's answer hadn't changed. 

"Yes, it was."

"Case closed, then. We can go home." Hyuna had said, almost getting herself on her feet but HyunSeung had quickly pulled on her right arm, making her lose balance to fall on her behind.

"Ouch! What's wrong with you?!" The young girl had hit him, her eyes throwing daggers he had been glad had been purely figurative.

"We're not done here." HyunSeung had annoyed himself, frowning at his girlfriend.

"We are. You're saying you don't regret any of this. Nothing less, nothing more, right?"

Peering at her silently, HyunSeung had brought his hand to his head, scratching it in frustration. Of course, Hyuna had known it had been far from as easy as she had made it sound, but she had wanted to get more out of his boyfriend, and as usual, provocation had been the only way to trigger honesty from him.

"It's funny how much simple everyone seems to think all of this is." HyunSeung had said, cracking his neck.

"I caught the "celebrity disease" and suddenly became a jerk for no reason, at a moment when my career was going absolutely nowhere, and Beast's either for that matter. But they sure still found a way to catch the celebrity disease still, yet I am the one who got diagnosed with it?" He had let out a bitter chuckle, throwing a rock he had absently grabbed in the water.

"Exactly how am I more at fault in this story than they are, Hyuna?"

"Tell me how you aren't." The young girl had feigned disinterest, secretly eager to obtain what she had been looking for.

"See, I don't care if they are happy without me.  I don't care that all the people who always deemed my presence as essential are now celebrating my leave. I don't care for losing money. What it took to reach this so called happiness...No. What it took me and to me only, to reach this happiness. That's what makes me out of my mind."

Unconsciously, the young girl had gotten closer to him, as if she would have gotten closer to the truth as well if she had heard every word he'd speak without fail.

"They lie. Through their teeth. Constantly. They'd dare to use the word "family" to induce fans into thinking they cared for me like a brother. But the truth is until they lose a loved one amidst of their career peak and still decide to stand strong out of love for the group like I did, they'll never have an idea of what being a real family is. All they will ever know is unity through greed for fame." HyunSeung had let out, feeling greatly satisfied from finally taking all the dirt off his chest. He had felt the young girl's eyes on him and the disagreement they had contained, but he had kept going nonetheless, relieving himself of three years of emotional torture.

"So what am I wrong for, in the end?" He had questioned, genuinely wondering.

"Being honest? They can dance in circle celebrating the nuisance being gone, but they shouldn't get away with being manipulators hidden behind a mask while I'd lose my entire reputation over Instagram likes."

"Distasteful Instagram likes..." Hyuna had commented. She couldn't have denied having been hurt by some of them.

"Which I apologize for. Only to you." HyunSeung had said, meaning it. He had had no reasons more to inflict this kind of wrong to Hyuna. He had never wanted to in the first place.

"I can never forgive the fact that they purposely fooled everyone into thinking they cared for me and then let me go down in history as the bad guy in this story because I had the courage, to be honest about my feelings towards them and the idol life."

"I understand." Hyuna had only managed to say, clueless at what moment she had rested her head on the lead vocalist's shoulder and wrapped both of her arms around his upper body, caressing his chest. Knowing herself, a part of her had probably believed this would have comforted his pained heart.

"I wished they had been honest. I wished they had had the courage to admit their wrongs. That is all. Now they can happily boast about being close without having to drag me into the picture. Now the fans who pretended an album without my voice was not imaginable, will probably buy two copies of it. Good for them. Very good. But I've told you before, it only takes one common goal to be united. Once that will be gone, it will be their end. It's not what I wish. It is what it is because that is the kind of people they've become."

Suddenly, HyunSeung had turned his upper body towards completely, catching Hyuna off guard. And she had had no choice but to meet his deep irises, losing herself in them like she always would. She had seen the hurt in them she knew all too well by now. As much as it had somewhat been better than three years ago, as much as sometimes it disappeared, sometimes it looked like it would overtake him. And Hyuna would hate herself for still not having figured out how to make the second state permanent.

"You're worried about him." The lead vocalist had lowered his head, understandingly nodding, but something in his demeanor had indicated that no matter what, he'd never understand why Hyuna cared so much for JunHyung. Proof had been, he had immediately assumed her discomfort had been triggered by him predicting the end of her friend's career in the near future. But he had still missed the target. She had been worried for him first and foremost.

"I am. But not for the reasons you imagine." Hyuna had fully abandoned her front, positioning herself the way the lead vocalist had, allowing a nearness between them her heartbeat had indicated her she had missed. The young girl had known  that HyunSeung didn't truly believe she had still been in love with JunHyung. However, the situation always made her feel guilty, even if she'd never put an end to her friendship with the rapper. Nor would HyunSeung break up with her for this, she had had no doubts.

"Me and JunHyung…it's...it's not love. I mean, yes, I care for him, therefore, I love him, but not this way. Not in the way you're so fearful of. What's between him and me, is not what there was between us before, and it's certainly not what there is between you and me." Hyuna had reasoned, tucking her finger under the lead vocalist's chin to make him look at her. Something she'd only make occur only when she'd feel confident enough to face his mind power.

"We dated, we broke up, we had an affair, we broke up again...the love I had for him made me do things I would never want anyone to do to me. And from this, I learned a lot of things about what's a worthy relationship. He did too. And despite all the pain he inflicted me, and the pain I inflicted him, we never resented or betrayed each other. I guess we just feel...beholden to one another. Now, I have no idea why exactly..."

"He loves you." HyunSeung had said, trying to make the grief in his voice the least detectable as possible. "He never stopped doing so. And you..."

"Don't see the point in hating someone I used to love." Hyuna had completed before he'd have come up with an idea of his, shaking her head. "I'm regretful our friendship hurts you so much. But I was never able to abort it, and I never wanted to. But I reckon his faults. And I reckon their faults. It's just that if this was to happen to 4Minute, no matter what I'd wish to not forget the fact that I loved them once upon a time. Especially if it were to cost me as much as it cost you..."

"Yeah. I know that you don't understand." HyunSeung had brushed his nose against hers as he had nodded again.

"The rage. The worthlessness I feel from having got treated like this. The urge for revenge. Why I wouldn't at least make it so that some company would want to sign me if I were to change my mind. But it's like that. I am angry, I am hurt, I am disappointed, I am dumbfounded that people I trusted and loved, erased me of their lives faster than I'll ever let go of the ill feelings they made grow inside of me. The ill feelings that almost made me lose the person I care about most on this earth." He had looked at her without blinking for what had seemed like an eternity, eventually recreating distance between them as he had repositioned himself face to the sea.

"But I guess I should be thankful to them, somewhere. Because I've come to realize something I had tried dear life to denying until now. It was a lost cause all along. But now I've realized it was."

"What are you talking about?" Hyuna had moved close to him again, being the one who had craved for contact this time. The rare sentimental connection she had managed to build at this moment had felt like a miracle and she hadn't wanted to lose it just yet. More so when he had been about to tell her a truth he had found out. Anxiously, the young girl had waited in silence for an instant, only to have words coming out of when she had seen the look in HyunSeung's eyes.

"Don't." Without the shadow of a doubt, she had known where the lead vocalist had planned on going, and she hadn't wanted to follow him. Whether as a simple discussion or a fight, Hyuna had known this would anger her either way. And she hadn't wanted to hear any of it. Not now that everything had been supposed to become better. 

"I tried. Every time, for every fight we had, I tried to tell myself that it couldn't be." He had shushed her with a finger on her lips.

"Because it's not like I never make you happy either. But that day, it hit me to the fullest."

Confused, Hyuna had implicitly asked HyunSeung of what day he had been talking about, getting an answer only a good minute later as the young man himself had seemed to not having wanted to talk about whatever this would be. However, he wouldn't be Jang HyunSeung if he hadn't still. The only conditions were his own terms.

"When we fought in the practice room, and he came. After you left, he said something..." The young man had crossed his fingers together, bringing his two thumbs to his mouth to nibble them, a frequent alternative to cracking his neck. And Hyuna had guessed what had been the sentence that had sacrificed HyunSeung.

How much tempting it had been to cut him off by telling him she had eavesdropped the entire conversation, so he could have saved her the torture. Moreso if he had been going to rehash this specific, painful part of their verbal fight she had needed no reminder of. But a curiosity that had probably been misplaced had peeked through Hyuna, only allowing her to stare at her boyfriend silently, allowing him to pursue his tirade.

"He said that...he is not the one who goes to you, but you're the one who goes back to him, always." 

"What…what does it have to do with anything?" Hyuna had asked, half to encourage him and half because she hadn't been exactly sure what his point had been. Observing him take a deep inspiration, the young girl had waited for her boyfriend to continue, biting the inside of her cheek.

"Worse than him saying this to my face is that it's true. I realized it then, but also when you ran towards him…" HyunSeung had acknowledged, feeling his entire body go numb. He hadn't been as much ready as he had thought. Hell, would he ever have had? But he had had to continue. If truly he loved Hyuna. He had had to face the truth.

"Exactly like when I entered the studio and saw you kissing each other three years ago.  It was as if…my soul had left my body and the only thing that prevented me from collapsing were my feelings for you…both times, all I wanted is to hold onto you and tell you to not go. ‘I know this is bigger than us, I know this is wrong…but please, don't go.'

So why hadn't he interfered, like the idiot he was?

"The first time, I was just too shocked to even make a move." He had admitted, a small laugh leaving his lips as he had remembered every detail perfectly. He had just stayed frozen in the doorframe, and the rest had been history. Shocked, and planning on killing JunHyung, therefore asking Hyuna to stay wouldn't have been appropriate.

"And the second…it's because I finally underst