December 2015

Christmas holidays. A mysterious time of both joy and longing. But HyunSeung loved it nevertheless. Joy, because that was obviously the primary feeling of any festive day. The snow, the gifts, good food in abundance, alcohol, streets pampered in colorful lights and tinsel. The lead vocalist loved it all. His usual gloomy self likely didn't make it obvious, but HyunSeung was very receptive to environmental and period changes. Rain, sun, wind, Easter, Chuseok. Each of these specific moments had their very own impact on his mood, except external factors that would either worsen, better or modify it completely. Today had been one of these rare days when he had felt good. Really, really good. The first ever Christmas he'd be spending with Hyuna in two years of relationship. Well, it had been its Eve, reckon. As HyunSeung's mother had insisted for them to spend Christmas together, which thankfully hadn't bothered Hyuna since she had had plans For that day with Miss A's Jia and her own 4Minute member, SoHyun. 

Christmas holidays, a time of longing as well, because it was the kind of moments that made most persons who’d have lose a loved one miss them. And HyunSeung was no different. He missed his father. His smile, his reassuring hand on his shoulder. What would he have liked as a gift, for dinner, as a way to spend the day. HyunSeung would wonder these things. Every holiday, every birthday. Always concluding to the answer his genitor had always given him: Whatever would have pleased his family.

The sun had shone timidly outside as it had tried to pass through thick clouds since  morning without success.  It had now been afternoon, and a cool blow of air passing through his window had chilled the lead vocalist's entire room as he had gotten ready to head to his girlfriend's home.

"Ah! I know it's winter but come on now. I'll turn into an ice block!" The lead vocalist had pestered, grumpily closing the window in a loud slam. 

"HyunSeung, are you ok?" His little sister's voice had resonated to his ears from the living room, the sound of the TV abruptly stopping as Geurim had inquired herself of his state. 

"Sure, sure. Sorry for the noise." HyunSeung had answered, grabbing additional long sleeves and putting it on. The irony with his annoyance with the cold was that the heat resulted in the same thing. Summer would stress him out because it was usually the time during which Beast would be having a comeback, also known as a time of utmost tiredness both physical and emotional on his side.

Waking up at 4am for pre-recordings, having to shoot portions two to four times, having to make sure a smile would be plastered on his face for at least fifteen hours, from pre-recording to whatever show they'd have that day to their fan signs the same evening, all this through a heat that would hardly come down at the moment when he would finally get to rest. Instead, he would be brainstorming regarding all these things while getting boiled up by his own blood. So did he rather prefer winter? Neither. There were so many layers to what "cold" is. Cold to the point of getting burned by the wind blows, or cold to the point of wanting to sleep with tons of blankets, or cold but not enough to wear something too thick, yet the next day he'd find himself to be sick, somehow. Today had been exactly this kind of cold, and at three days from flying to Bangkok and then to Shanghai for a concert, he had prayed to have stocked enough vitamins to not get tricked just during Holidays period. 

"You're off?" Geurim had turned her head towards him as he had entered the living room, grabbing his set of car keys on the lower table and his jacket and bag off the portmanteau. 

"Yes. Will he come?" 

"Surely."

"No foolishness." HyunSeung had grumbled, raising his index in a warning sign. Oh, his sister was a big girl already, adding to this that the lead vocalist couldn't really prevent his sister from doing something he had done even before he had had her age. Anyways, she remained his little sister and the mere idea of a man being in his house only felt distasteful, even if he had met him before, and truthfully found him nice enough. 

"Kidding. I will go there, later."

"Same concept."

"Look who is talking." Geurim had chortled, smugly raising her eyebrows at him. "Be nice to her. Poor girl would want to be able to walk to see her friends while you'll be away."

"Aren't you too young to say these kind of things? Mind your business." The lead vocalist had mumbled, feeling his cheeks slightly heat as he had unlocked the door. "Merry Christmas, sweetie." He had smiled, waving goodbye to her sister.

"Merry Christmas, Seungie."

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"Hi. Come in." Hyuna had welcomed him with a smile, stepping aside to let the lead vocalist enter her apartment. 

"Merry Christmas, lovely." HyunSeung had chanted joyfully, wrapping his arm around his girlfriend’s waist to pull her closer. She had let him do so, responding to his gesture as she had passed her own arms around his neck.

"Merry Christmas, baby. How are you?"

"Great. Even better now that I'm with you. "He had said, leaning forward for a kiss, but he had pursed his lips into the air, as she had burst in a loud laugh, yanking her head backward.

"I…I mean it?" The lead vocalist had frowned, waiting for Hyuna to get out of her frenzy to obtain his kiss. True that at this point of flintiness between the line of his lies and the truth, in his current situation, he'd be damned if she had known how to make the difference between one and the other. He only had had himself to blame for this, but he couldn't help to feel hurt when she'd laugh at his sincere loving words. He had a right to hurt her feelings, but she didn't. Jang HyunSeung in all his entitlement.

"Anyways." Hyuna had yawned, shaking her head in an apparent attempt to wake herself up. "Are you thirsty, hungry?" She had turned around before HyunSeung had even tried to lean again, leaving him planted in the hallway.

"Thirsty. Are you tired? You didn't sleep this night?" HyunSeung had inquired, following his girlfriend to her living room.

"Could have been better." Hyuna had yawned again, offering him to take his jacket off.

"Why? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I will survive." Hyuna had smile weakly, her brows slightly furrowing together. She had doubted his intentions, again. 

"Can't I worry for my girlfriend without any second thoughts..." HyunSeung had said, sitting down on her couch, his eyes meeting Hyuna’s in an implicit discussion.

"Tell me about it. It's not for no reason that I'd have suspicions, not really my fault." Hyuna had shrugged, turning her head away from him. "Thirsty. What do you want?"

Truthfully, this had felt unfair. For "once" that he had really been sincere, she had just been laughing at his face. Again, he had probably deserved it, but on this very day, their first ever Christmas eve together, yet here had they been about to fight over the same old matter.

"I want you to trust me." 

HyunSeung had kept staring at her in silent until she has turned her head back to him, inquisition readable in her profound irises. Either she had pondered over how she could do so, either she had considered giving him a chance. However, her answered hadn't suited any of these perspectives.

"I do." Hyuna had said, the simplicity of her answer taking the lead vocalist aback. 

"No, you don't?" HyunSeung had retorted, being the one to his eyebrows at her this time.

"See, that's exactly how much believable you've been sounding for the past four months." 

"What are we doing together if there is no trust between us, then?" The lead vocalist had snapped, despite him. This had really not been the moment. Truly, absolutely not, the moment to ruin yet another time that should have been filled with positivity. But frustration had to build up in both of them undeniably, as most of their latest encounters had suffered the underlining presence of mistrust, making their conversations, touches, and kisses something far less satisfying than if all that there had been to be said finally would have finally been said.

"I have been asking myself this too. What are we doing together when you have lied to me more times than I can remember this year and I bet you are hiding something from me right now. I have no idea. I must be crazy. Crazy in love." Hyuna had concluded, the light waver in her voice making HyunSeung's heart clench painfully.

It had been hard to believe from his behavior, so hard that she hardly did. But he loved her. More than he was able to put in