In that very moment, I grew cold. All drunkenness seemed to have been knocked out of me and I find myself staring blankly at the words, something niggling in the back of my mind, something that felt like a lost memory being awakened. But I know that's not the case.

"." I curse before throwing up. , I cursed. One more time.


 

Seokjin groans as we stumble onto the train station, the clock hands pointing in all kinds of directions or maybe that's just me. I can't see what time it is. "What time is it?"

"Wednesday," Seokjin burps, getting on the train as soon as the doors slide open.

"Where is this train going?"

"Neverland." Seokjin says, sitting on the floor with his head leaning against the seats. I lay face-down, sprawled across as the doors closed and the train started moving. The conductor looked like his life couldn't get any worse than this. 

"I didn't even know there was a 3 AM train," I say after a while until I notice that Seokjin had a pack of cigarettes. "What?!"

He turns to me, eyes half-closed as if he was falling asleep. "What what?"

"Why do you have cigarettes?"

"Oh, this?" he holds the box up, "I found it on the floor."

I remain silent for a moment, before glancing at the conductor. "Is it allowed to smoke in a train?"

"Wait, you want to smoke?" Seokjin asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

"As long as the train won't explode. Hey, ahjussi!" I yell to the conductor who grumpily turns his head at me. "Is this a no-smoking area?"

"We're all gonna die, anyway, so you might as well just do it."

"Wise words, friend," I nod, "but seriously, nothing's gonna happen?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it, lots of drunk bastards board the train during this time and none of 'em die, even if they're chainsmoking until 4. You guys think I don't recognize you?"

"Duh, Seokjin's a celebrity," I say, taking the box from Seokjin and finding two cigarettes left. "It's not like I'll understand, anyway. You got a lighter?"

The conductor tosses one at me and I light my cigarette and Seokjin and I move to the very back of the train. He lights his with mine.

"Kim Seokjin, smoking cigarettes at 3 AM?" I say, taking a drag and watching the windows catch fog for a moment. "What would they think?"

"They'd think I'm insane," he shrugs, and I'm actually impressed with how he doesn't cough, blowing an impressive amount of smoke. "At least it's not weed."

"Have you ever smoked weed?"

"Once."

"With who?"

"The person I lost my ity to."

I sit up, suddenly interested. "Did you have while you were high, or..."

"Yeah. It happened on the same night."

"How old were you?"

"19."

"Wow, and weed on the same night..."

"Yeah. I was a bad kid. What about you? Have you had ?"

"Um... no." I shake my head.

He smiles, taking a drag of his cigarette. "Want to change that?"

My breath catches in my throat, my heartbeat suddenly growing faster. "Um—"

"Come here," he says, gesturing to his lap. Well, that definitely looks inviting.

Shyly, I straddle his lap, my knees on either side of him and I can feel my face growing hot and Seokjin's looking at me and he's so sweaty from the smoke and oh, wow, it's such a view, his head resting on the wall.

"Can I kiss you?"

It was a big question but the way he asks is so small, his voice low and his eyes avoiding mine, as if he were asking for something that he shouldn't. My heart is pounding, my knees trembling as my hands remain on his shoulders, massaging carefully. "Yeah," I nod, "kiss me."

I close my eyes when he brings his hand on my neck, pulling me closer to him and I'm anxious so very very anxious but at the same time it feels like all my senses have numbed when his lips are just barely brushing mine, lingering for a moment. His breath ghosts over mine and everything stops when he presses his lips on mine, so softly and gently that I may have forgotten where we were and what I was doing. Everything stopped. It was as if we were made for each other, with the way his lips perfectly captured mine and how it made me feel—how Seokjin made me feel.

He pulls away, looking up at me and I feel like a weight's been lifted off my chest, though it wasn't burdening me from the start. Our foreheads touch and I smile slightly, our breaths in sync as we wordlessly hold each other, cigarettes on one hand and wearing our hearts on the other, our fingers intertwined, waiting. Just waiting. And I didn't need to say it, but I may as well have when his eyes flutter shut and I noticed the smallest little details like the tiny, barely visible mark above his brow, the faintest marks of a double eyelid on his right eye and the fullness of his lips. These things I've known a long time ago, but maybe if there was one thing I have known from the beginning, it's that I love Kim Seokjin. I loved him, I love him, and I will love him; and no matter where time takes me I always have and I always will.

I think I remember.