Don’t you feel like a burden sometimes?
This was a question Luhan had been asking himself for a while, but he had yet to find the answer.
Sehun had proposed to watch a movie and Luhan had happily agreed to do so, overjoyed with the prospect of cuddling with Sehun in bed, to be warm with Sehun’s arm wrapped around his waist and feel peaceful with his head tucked on his boyfriend’s neck. What Luhan didn’t expect however, was for his mind to disregard the film completely in order to think about him and Sehun, their story, and their future.
Twenty minutes later, when Luhan realized that he couldn’t tell the name of the protagonist and that Sehun probably didn’t know either as his eyes were barely open, Luhan smiled and told Sehun to go to sleep while he’ll go out, take a walk. Obviously too tired to complain, Sehun didn’t protest for once, for Luhan to be by himself when the sky is no more lightened by the sun. Still, albeit he wasn’t sure if Sehun was still awake, Luhan assured he would stay within the university’s walls.
As promised, Luhan stayed in the yard for a hour, sitting on the bench and watching the trees dancing in the wind, occasionally moving his gaze to watch the students going in and out, then he got up and followed the few last ones to return in the building.
After thinking for a while, Luhan decided that he needed to talk with someone who could help him reduce all those thoughts in his mind and thus, make him feel better about the situation he was in. That was how Luhan found himself in Jongin’s room, sitting at his desk while Jongin was on his bed, looking at him.
“Don’t you feel like a burden sometimes?” Luhan asked quietly. “I mean, I love Sehun. I love him so much that sometimes, I want to let him go… can this be considered normal?”
Jongin nodded slowly. “I understand how you feel. I thought like that for a long time. I used to always push Kyungsoo away without giving him a proper reason. But then I realized that if Kyungsoo wants to fight for us, I should let him. We made an unspoken promise to not leave each other, and Kyungsoo didn’t break it. He’s still with me; he never left.”
“But you can…”
“Yes, but I don’t want to. I decided to fight by his side. I thought that pushing Kyungsoo away from all the hardships that were to come our way was the best way to protect him, but it was really not. Actually, it was the opposite. I love Kyungsoo, and I decided that whatever path he choose to take, if it leads to his happiness, I’ll be right behind him, following him.”
Luhan looked down at his hands. He wished he could be as confident as Jongin.
“My mother died when I was ten. My father raised me up all by himself. Times were rough but he still gave me everything I needed. I’m really thankful to him for that, but now he’s asking me to choose between my happiness and his view of happiness. He’s trying to stop me from doing what he thinks is a mistake I’ll later regret. I know he’s just trying to save me from the troubles I’ll face in the future, but I don’t care about that. I don’t care about how anyone see my relationship with Kyungsoo. Their views won’t make my feelings for him disappear nor make me want to choose a ‘suitable’ partner just because society thinks it’s the norm.” Jongin sighed. “I just wish he would accept me for who I am.”
It was strange, but Luhan understood Jongin’s father. Sehun means so much to him, he just can’t help it. He sometimes can’t help but decide for him simply because he wants the best for Sehun. He wants Sehun to be happy, even if it means doing the opposite of his wish and hurting him in the process. It’s a selfish thought disguisded in a good intention Luhan regrettably couldn't stop having.
“Sorry, I got carried away,” Jongin apologized with a small chuckle. “Anyway, you shouldn’t feel bad for what happened, hyung. We shouldn’t regret about the past; just learn from it. Sehun told me that years ago. It’s an advice he understands, but also applies. Also, Sehun loves you so much. I swear, this kid is insane. He would kill for you and the worst thing is that I’m not sure if you should take that as a joke.”
Jongin smiled softly. “We should fight for our happiness. Even if some around us don’t think it’s a battle worth being involved in.”
Luhan nodded in agreement. Jongin was right. People have different opinions, and it was okay. It wasn’t about forcing everyone to agree with you, just trying to make them understand, which can lead some to acceptance. Baby steps.
The sound of the door being shoved open had Luhan turn his head towards it to see a panting Chanyeol running inside the room.
“Jongin! Jongin, I need your help!” Chanyeol exclaimed as he came in out of breath. He dropped his bag on his bed and acknowledged Luhan with a surprised, “Oh, hi, hyung,” followed by a bow. Luhan happily greeted him back.
“What’s wrong?” Jongin asked after Chanyeol sat down next to him.
“I want to ask Baekhyun out on a date but I don’t know how…”
Jongin frowned. “Are you freaking serious? Didn’t you go on several dates with him already?”
Chanyeol hid his face in his hands and groaned. “He wasn’t my boyfriend then…”
“God, stop acting like a teenager and man up. You’re not going to ing confess, you Just have to get a permission to spend some time with the guy who call you perfection and would accept going anywhere as long as it’s with you.”
Chanyeol blinked up, eyes widened in shock. “Baekhyun thinks I’m perfect?”
“Urgh, Chanyeol! That’s not the point!”
Luhan chuckled and left them shortly after to return to his room. It was dark inside. Sehun was asleep. Luhan could faintly discern Sehun’s features, but he was fascinated still. Sehun looked like a dream; ethereal but not unreachable. With his lips parted open in awe, Luhan carefully touched Sehun's cheek and, as expected, the gesture didn't disturb Sehun's sleep. He was already tired after his practice, yet he couldn’t rest since he had to deal with Luhan’s whims and study right after. Despite the unplanned event, Sehun had still been adamant on spending some time with Luhan, without complaining once about his growing exhaustion.
Luhan smiled endearingly as he watched Sehun.
He would do anything for Sehun to always look this peaceful.
The next day, Luhan woke up to Sehun watching something on his phone.
As Luhan blinked away the haze surrounding his eyes, Sehun’s face gradually appeared clearer, and so did his smile.
“What are you doing?” Luhan asked as he rubbed his eyes.
“Searching a photo to set up as my wallpaper,” was Sehun reply, gaze not once leaving his phone’s screen, and it made Luhan even more confused.
“And you need to do that at,” Luhan lifted his head slightly to look at the clock on the nightstand. He stiffled a yawn behind his palm as 6am flashed before his eyes. “This hour…? Why?”
“Because why not?” Sehun’s smile widened. “Look, I think this one is good. What do you think?”
Luhan looked, gasped and sat up to snatch the phone but Sehun quickly put it away.
“Woah, are you crazy?”
“Why did you take a photo of me while I was sleeping?!” Luhan shouted incredulously.
Sehun raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you have plenty photo of me in your phone?”
Luhan groaned. “Yes, but none are ugly…”
“That would be difficult.”