Dear Past, You're Haunting My Present but Please, Don't Scare My Future

Paper Heart
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"What's wrong with him?" Chanyeol mumbled to no one as he glared at the direction Luhan and Sehun went to. He began walking towards it when a soft whisper coming from behind halted him in his steps.

 

"You still like him, don't you?"

 

"What did you say?" Chanyeol asked as he turned around, frowning in confusion. Baekhyun didn't reply, actually, he didn't seem like he was able to. Concerned about his lack of movement, Chanyeol reached out for him but, before his hand could give Baekhyun's shoulder a gentle pat, the smaller suddenly shook his head before raising it up, showcasing Chanyeol a bright smile that the latter could only blink at.

 

"Nothing! Nothing, I have a class now, I'll see you later."

 

Mouth slightly agape, Chanyeol watched as Baekhyun waved and turned around, quickly walked away and left him standing there, dumbfounded.

 

"What... just happened?"

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“Sehun… we need to–”

 

“kiss right now?”

 

“I– what? No! I’m serious, Sehun. Really. I–I have to tell you about–”

 

“How beautiful you are?”

 

Chucking lowly, Sehun dodged just in time the slap he was about to receive on his nose by catching Luhan’s hand and changing its aim, forcing his boyfriend’s palm to gently rest against his cheek instead.

 

“Stop being embarrassing,” Luhan groaned, wanting to sound serious but failing miserably as he tried to retrieve his hand from Sehun’s hold and punch his smug smile off his obnoxiously attractive face. An action he was unable to achieve when his body was suddenly turned aside, his back meeting the matress, with both his wrists pinned on either side of his head.

 

The playful glimmer in Sehun’s eyes entirely removed Luhan’s surprise, replacing it with an indescribable emotion he never though feeling in Sehun’s presence; something akin to sorrow mixed with fear, something Luhan was persuaded he would need to live with in the future.

 

A future without Sehun.

 

Soft, familiar lips moving lightly against his, pressing just enough to murmur the love Luhan knew Sehun had for him did nothing to lessen that unpleasant sensation lodging itself in his chest and growing the slightest more when a on his lower lip urged his mouth open, giving space for Sehun’s tongue to dive in with ease, eliciting a faint moan that motived Sehun to earn a few more as he deepened the kiss and effectively pushed the problems present in Luhan’s mind aside to solely focus on Sehun’s unreserved affection and care.

 

Sehun was making it difficult for Luhan to think, so speaking about a matter that would end their relationship was, each passing days, becoming a secret he wanted to keep for himself. Luhan would like to tell Sehun about him returning to Beijing, about the flight he’s going to take the next day, about leaving the country he spent most of his youth in for good, but this always led him to think about Sehun's reaction, which once again, didn't fail to fill him with dread; an emotion that went away only when Luhan winded his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, holding him impossibly closer.

 

He would like to talk about his parents not understanding, and definitely not accepting that he had romantic feelings for a boy. He would like to apologize for being too open about it, when his parents came back from a long trip a week before, the happiness brought from sharing a meal with them had Luhan talking about his life, his happiness, and thus, his lover, without foreseeing his farther’s wide, shocked eyes and his mother astounded look. Luhan had no idea that they would be so strongly against it, they would want to send him to a private high school in China, ignoring his opinion, complains, cries and pleas.

 

Luhan would like to be honest with Sehun but, as his words would inevitably hurt the person he grew so much to love, Luhan stayed silent; a silence that concealed a secret that, revealed or not, would break this bond they built up over the years through hardships, understandings, promises, and were now learning to share. No matter how strong it was.

 

Sehun pulled away smoothly, as though to let sparks of his love linger to tingle Luhan’s lips. Understanding Sehun’s gentle touch on his cheek as a silent request to open his eyes, Luhan did as demanded. Sehun’s fond smile did nothing but give Luhan the sudden urge to ask Sehun to let him go, and push him away if he didn’t. For it was the best outcome; Sehun finding his happiness elsewhere, with someone better, someone worth of his affection. It did nothing but fuel that strong desire to keep him out of this mess, and protect him from those ill feelings already consuming Luhan. But what could he do? Luhan was only a powerless seventeen years old teenager obliged to follow his parent's rules, and Sehun was a year younger.

 

What could they do?

 

“It’s late, we should sleep,” Sehun whispered with one last of his thumb over Luhan’s cheek before rolling back to his side, throwing an arm around Luhan’s waist and drawing him closer till Luhan’s head was comfortably resting under his chin.

 

Luhan exhaled slowly. He couldn’t sleep. Amongst all the possibilities he could think of, he came to the conclusion that staying mute was the worst thing he could do so, after taking a deep breath, he mumbled, “Sehun?” earning a little hum as an answer that had Luhan sigh quietly as he wished his boyfriend was already asleep. T

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silentescapade
#1
Well, here it is. 7 years! This may be my final comment, but who knows? I might come back again next year, or I might come back in a few years… I don’t want to completely leave this behind forever, but I also don’t know how long we can consistently keep this going. So this may be my last long, deep message, but hopefully I remember to drop by with quick comments in the future. I definitely didn’t expect these messages to turn into this or become a regular thing when I first started commenting here. But it really is so wholesome, and I’m glad to hear it helped you. It helped me stay grounded too.

Happy new year to you too! These past couple of years have been rough, but I hope you’re doing well and staying safe.

I graduated from uni a semester early, so I finished a couple of months ago! Now I have to prepare to be a real adult haha. Since I'm done with uni, I figured it was also a good time to bring these comments to a close, but now that I’m here, it feels very bittersweet.

It really doesn’t feel like 7 years have gone by. Time moves so slowly in the present but it seems to have flown by when I reflect on it. Like I said before, this fic is precious to me because it represents many aspects of my young life and brings back lots of fond memories. I was so invested in Kpop, EXO, shipping, and all of that stuff in those days. I feel old looking back on things like this lol. But I think those were some of the best times of my life.

So, thank you. For Paper Heart. For writing. For creating something I will always cherish. For reading my annual comments and replying every year. For all of the memories.

Thank you for everything. ❤️
silentescapade
#2
6 years!! This one won’t be as deep as last year hehe, just some random thoughts. (I love reading your responses btw - I don’t reply to them because it feels right to leave it as it is, but I promise I read them every year.)

Since last year, I’ve delved back into Kpop a bit, and I decided to simply enjoy the content for what it is. I try to stay away from the toxicity in the community and instead just quietly listen to the music and watch videos/shows for my own comfort. I’m sad that Kpop isn’t what it used to be, and I will always miss the old times, but I’m happy that I’m still able to love Kpop like I used to. Nothing is the same as it was, but this is more than enough for me. This fic reminds me of how things were back then, and I am satisfied with that.

I had a long break from uni, so I’ve been reading a lot more fanfics these days and revisiting some old ones as well. I just reread this fic again after a long time and it’s just as good as it was back then :) I don’t know what it is, I just really like your writing style.

Reading Paper Heart again now, from beginning to end, is kinda weird because I still feel all of the emotions that I probably did when I first read it in its entirety (which was so long ago that I don’t even really remember what I was feeling tbh). But it’s funny because I still experience all of the frustration and happiness and heart-flutters with thoughts like, “Oh my god if Baekhyun interrupts one more time I swear-“ and “Awww Sehun~” and “Wow, Chanyeol is really dumb.” I remembered some of my favorite chapters quite vividly, but I think I forgot enough of the fic for it to feel like I was reading it for the first time again, haha. And 6 years later, I love it all the same.

This was just a bunch of random blurbs, so I’m gonna stop now. 2020 was an awful year, so here’s to hoping that 2021 is better. I hope you are okay and doing well, both mentally and physically, despite everything that is happening with the pandemic. Stay safe.

See you next year (hopefully).
xiaolin98 #3
Chapter 29: I am glad that finally they choose to stay with each other. The happy ending. But, I can't help but wonder about Luhan's parents reaction too
xiaolin98 #4
Chapter 29: Awwww sehun is so so romantic
xiaolin98 #5
Chapter 27: Sehun!! You can't say that to your hyung really !!
xiaolin98 #6
Chapter 26: Noooo.. why Luhan's parent is such a er really
xiaolin98 #7
Chapter 25: They are super diper aborable
xiaolin98 #8
Chapter 25: They are super diper aborable
xiaolin98 #9
Chapter 25: They are super diper aborable
xiaolin98 #10
Chapter 25: They are super diper aborable