Dear Feelings, You Guys Are so Confusing

Paper Heart
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Everything came crashing down on him like several bullets being shoot in his directions. Luhan didn’t know that the black hole he threw all his supressed emotions in would grow this big and swallow his whole being in its darkness.

 

Reality hurts. Reality hurts a lot. But he couldn’t escape it, and he knew it, so he held on what could keep him from sinking further more in his fantaisies. Chanyeol’s sweets words and warm embrace were a big support for Luhan to not succumb and drown in his tears. How much he wished the numberless drop of water leaving his eyes were actually cleaning up his heart from the ill-feelings instead of reminding him that they were very still present by shaking his body. But wishing wasn’t enough, and Luhan understood it long time ago, but he kept on doing it, even though it wasn’t going to change anything without effort.

 

Now he wished Chanyeol didn’t stop his back, as it could only mean that Luhan calmed down, that he managed to stop his tears and that his cries changed into small sobs. Chanyeol’s lack of movements and steady breathe could only mean that he was thinking of a way to question what happened.

 

Luhan closed his eyes and burrowed his face deeper on Chanyeol’s shoulder as a silent request to not make him talk about something he hoped could leave his mind alone. Luhan knew that Chanyeol would understand his want, but he also knew that he wouldn’t accept it. Years of friendship proved to be useful as Chanyeol did exactly what Luhan feared.

 

“Hyung… do you feel better?”

 

Luhan let out a small hum, one that sounded like a whimper. He squirmed a bit to seek for a better position and allow his body to relax. He was thankful for Chanyeol didn’t directly asked about the subject he wanted to avoid. Though it was a matter of seconds before he did.

 

“We’re not going to talk about what happened if you don’t want to but.. I have to.. I need to know something.”

 

A bit apprehensive, Luhan nodded, the strands of his hair tickling the side of Chanyeol’s neck. He earned a long pause from his friend who appeared to be deep in thoughts, or struggling to gather them. Chanyeol opened his mouth to ask a question that had Luhan’s eyes shot open in surprise. The question was simple, and so was the reply, and perhaps it was the reason behind Luhan’s shock. In fact, what was hard to bear was the relevance of the answer.

 

Do you still like Sehun?

 

If he didn’t want to utter it, Luhan could reply physically, and he did. But unintentionnally. He couldn’t stop his lips from trembling nor control the tears from coming back in his eyes. They fell when he harshly closed his eyelids and, somehow, Chanyeol’s quiet sigh and hand crading through Luhan’s hair in slow, soothing felt so real, it hurt more than appeasing him.

 

It hurt because, by understanding Luhan’s unsaid reply, Chanyeol shot the last bullet that killed Luhan’s last hope of running away. The one he had held onto for so long or, more like, tried to because, wishing to hang on it is different from seizing it. He just realized that he didn’t because he had never been able to.

 

He simply couldn’t and, considering the many years he tried to do it to no avail, he came to the conclusion that he might have never stopped loving Sehun.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Sehun went out for a walk. He was in this state where he needed to be alone, and at the same time, talk to someone. The thought of calling Jongdae rented his mind for a while but, the moment he took his phone out, he saw how late it was and decided to put it back in his pocket.

 

On his way back to the dorm, he regretted not taking his jacket with him as the night was a bit chilly. But, how could he think about that when the vision of Chanyeol comforting a crying Luhan wouldn't cease playing in his mind?

 

Even if he didn’t want to, Sehun needed to admit that the sight made his blood boil and triggered in his chest a

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