Dear Decisions, Sometimes You're the Easiest Thing to MakePaper Heart
“I– I’m sorry,” Luhan apologized, his blurred eyes helplessly searching for Sehun’s. “I’m sorry–”
“Does it matter, though?” Sehun cut off. “You’re also sorry for what happened six years ago but it doesn’t mean you weren’t about to do the same thing.”
“I realized that I was wrong. I admitted my mistakes. What else can I do?”
“Acknowledging them don’t matter if you keep repeating them.”
“I’m still learning, Sehun!” Luhan cried, tears coming out in quick succession. “Can you blame me for caring about you?!”
“Yes, I will because you don’t! You obviously don’t care about me if you think throwing away our relationship would make me feel happier! How can you even think a single second that I’ll be happier without you?!”
Luhan wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “…Honestly, I just wanted to see you one more time. That’s why I came back. I grew accustomated to the life I lived back in Beijing. I didn’t care anymore. Whatever my parents wanted, I would have accepted it. I was tired and emotionally drained. At that time my sole wish was to feel anything but worthless. The thought of getting back with you didn’t cross my mind because I would have only been a burden to you if I did.”
“Then why did you?”
“Because I love you.” Luhan smiled sadly. “I couldn’t push you away. I didn’t want to. For once, I thought about myself because I felt so happy and loved this past week. I forgot how much warmth those feelings could procure me. I didn’t want to forget, so everyday I told myself that it was a simple reminder, although I wasn’t supposed to remember in the first place.”
“So you stayed with me because I forgave you,” Sehun said, voice distant. “Because I make you feel comfortable, not because of my feelings for you.”
“No.” Luhan shook his head tiredly. “I stayed because I realized that I shouldn’t let anyone else decide who I should be with. I stay because I want to be with you. I will stay because I want you.”
After a long moment of staring at each other, Sehun got up. He walked towards Luhan, slowly, eyes never leaving Luhan’s as he lifted both his hands up and placed them on Luhan’s cheeks.
Luhan closed his eyes at the feeling of Sehun’s touches, thumbs carefully wiping the tears away.
“I love you too,” Sehun said softly. “Too much, maybe. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I am the problem.”
Luhan opened his eyes and assured, “You’re not, Sehun. You’re not.”
Sehun gave him a sad smile. “Something must be wrong then, for me to feel that way, don’t you think?”
Luhan bit his lower lip. “I’m sorry…”
Luhan watched Sehun closely and, for a moment, he thought, no, hoped, that Sehun would kiss him. But he didn’t. Sehun’s gaze travelled down his face and stayed on his lips for a few seconds, he even leaned in, slightly, but his lips never reached their destination.
“I’m sorry,” Sehun whispered. “I can’t do this. I can’t– keep on hoping you’ll stay. I need to be sure you won’t change your mind again.”
Luhan cupped Sehun’s face in a desesperate attempt to back up his following words. “I will stay, Sehun. I want this. I want to be with you.”
“How can I be sure I won’t wake up one day and see you gone? How… how can I trust you?”
Luhan didn’t have an answer for that, so Sehun stepped back, making Luhan’s hands fall back on his sides, limply.
Luhan watched as Sehun walked away, he gazed at him until he closed the bathroom door behind him.
Luhan barely managed to get through his morning classes. When he finally believed he forgot about the reason behind his sad mood, he reached his locker and saw the letters destined to Sehun. He sighed.
Luhan saw Baekhyun running towards him. The huge grin on his face must be a result of his new boyfriend. Luhan wasn’t wrong about that, as Baekhyun started animatedly talking about his date with Chanyeol. Luhan smiled as Baekhyun ranted about the clothes he carefully choose and how the make-up he’ll apply will make him look gorgeous. Baekhyun also talked about the perfect way to end up the day, and it didn’t came as a surprise when the word ‘bed’ got out of his mouth. Luhan barely react, he knew it already. But, when Baekhyun began explaining on which part of his body he would like Chanyeol to touch him, Luhan cleared his throat and tried to bring the conversation back towards a more appropriate subject, and he thankfully succeeded.
The atmosphere Luhan was in felt lighter thanks to Baekhyun’s overall excitement. It filled Luhan’s mind with fun and happy thoughts. However, worry replaced them as soon as they reached the cafeteria. He could hear Baekhyun’s voice beside him, but he couldn’t decipher what he was saying anymore; Luhan was too preoccupied by something else. Or, more accurately, someone else. Luhan’s gaze made a quick travel around, going through the numerous student’s face, but, apparently, the one he was looking for wasn’t one of them. Luhan didn’t know if he should feel relieved or stressed over Sehun’s absence.
Baekhyun’s voice had Luhan spun his head back towards his friend watching him with a furrowed eyebrows. Luhan blinked, and quickly shook his head.
“Nothing, let’s go…” he said as he walked forward, his eyes once again checking around the place. He was certain now. Sehun wasn’t here.
“So tell me, what’s wrong?” Baekhyun asked when they were seated. Luhan could feel Baekhyun’s stare on him as he poked at his peas. The food really didn’t seem appealing. Their colors weren’t bright and neither were their taste; it was bland. Not that it really matter as Luhan wasn’t hungry anyway.
Luhan looked up at Baekhyun sitting accross from him. It was useless to hide something from him. Whatever Luhan conceal, Baekhyun will, sooner or later, find out what it is. Even if that wasn’t the case, Luhan wanted to share what was troubling his mind. So Luhan explained him what happened that morning.
Baekhyun nodded slowly while Luhan talked. He appeared to be understanding, as though he already knew the story.
“You need to trust Sehun more,” Baekhyun said, “You need to trust him and his choices. I’m not saying you should accept them, but don’t force your choices on him. It can’t work like this.”
Luhan frowned at that. It was like he was hearing Sehun. Everyone keeps telling him the same thing. Being aware that he did wrong while trying to help kind of hurt, honestly