More than a month goes by with no word from Minseok. In the time that passes, Joonmyun buries himself in intense work during the day and swallows down sleeping pills at night in his desperate attempt to achieve a dreamless rest. He manages to distract himself enough that he's almost able to stop thinking about how much he misses Yixing every second of the day. Almost.

Joonmyun doesn't completely forget about the deal he has made with Minseok, he simply does what he always does best: he forces the memory to slip into the far back of his mind so he doesn't have to spend every waking moment in anxious anticipation, waiting for a message that may or may not actually come. Repressing unwanted thoughts is an art he has perfected at this point so it's not that hard for him to do it again. It's not that hard to convince himself that everything is fine even though it's really not.

Still, it's a long wait, and when Joonmyun, after yet another long day at work, opens the text Minseok sent him, his heart jumps up into his throat as soon as the words have registered in his head. It's not a heartfelt message by any means, just the date and time of Yixing's arrival in Korea, which is about a week away, and a simple 'good luck', yet Joonmyun feels like this is one of the most meaningful texts he has ever received in his entire life. This is important.

The days that pass between Minseok's message and Yixing's return seem to go by far too quickly and far too slowly all at the same time. Joonmyun is operating completely on autopilot in a steady cycle of eat, sleep, work, repeat as he tries to make the days go by faster. He keeps his mind as blank as possible and pointedly does not think of what's going to happen lest he works himself into a panic the way he's so inclined to do.

Even though time feels as if it's going by like months and years, D-day is upon Joonmyun in the blink of an eye. He had asked his boss for the day off, citing personal reasons (his boss doesn't have to know that said reason is Joonmyun trying to win back the love of his life), and had been granted leave without hesitation since he never ever asks for anything.

In the morning, Joonmyun gets up very early despite the fact that he knows Yixing won't be home until late afternoon. Sleep evades him, though, so rather than staying in bed pointlessly, he decides to get up and use the extra time to get ready, physically and mentally. Mostly the latter. Restless, he paces the floors of his apartment as he thinks about what to say, what to do, how to act. How to get Yixing to forgive him. How to get Yixing to even hear him out in the first place. It seems like it's going to be a tough challenge, but he's not going to give up without a fight. Not this time.

He leaves his apartment with hours to spare. He knows he's going to have to wait for quite some time, but he can't stand staying where he is any longer. The place feels like a cage with walls that are slowly closing in on him, suffocating him. He needs to get out of there before he loses his mind. So he makes the trip to Yixing's apartment, and in a rare turn of events, he feels more determined than nervous about the whole thing. He's going to do this. He's going to talk to Yixing.

For what feels like an eternity, Joonmyun sits on the stairs and waits. He has nothing but his own chaotic thoughts to occupy himself with, so he spends the time trying to perfect the words he's planning on saying. At one point, Taekwoon leaves his apartment. Joonmyun sends him a small smile, and in return, Taekwoon shoots him a dark look that tells him he better not this up or he'll get his handed to him. Joonmyun nods in understanding, and Taekwoon leaves without a word. Joonmyun gulps. He really hopes he'll be able to make good of that silent promise.

And then finally, finally, Joonmyun hears the sound of someone lugging a suitcase up the stairs. His heart rate immediately picks up, taking on that now familiar too-fast rhythm he has come to associate with Yixing's mere existence, and he gets on his feet. Before long, Yixing comes into view, scaling the last staircase. He doesn't seem to notice Joonmyun as he lets out a quiet curse and starts searching through his luggage (he would leave his keys at the very bottom of it).

This gives Joonmyun some time to just stand there watch him. Yixing's hair is a little shorter than it was before, it looks like he got a haircut, and he seems skinnier than what Joonmyun remembers. There are also dark circles under Yixing's eyes that make him look exhausted – more exhausted than any damage a three hour flight could possibly do. Joonmyun wonders if Yixing has had as much trouble sleeping these past few months as he has.

Despite all of this, Yixing still looks really ing good. Joonmyun's heart skips a beat, and he has to fight against himself to keep from walking right over there and holding Yixing in his arms the way he yearns to. Even thinking about that makes him ache. It's only becoming more and more evident just how big of a mistake he made by ending things between them.

Eventually, Yixing locates his keys, and he lets out a sigh of relief and picks up his backpack, which he dropped on the floor, so he can continue making his way towards his apartment, only to stop in his tracks when he sees Joonmyun standing in front of it. A myriad of emotions flicker over his face in quick succession: surprise, confusion, anger, hurt, then a more neutral expression when he catches himself. Joonmyun's throat is dry, but he raises his hand in an awkward wave. “H-hi.”

“What do you want?” Yixing's tone is so cold it hurts, but Joonmyun doesn't blame him. He knows he deserves it. Hell, he deserves much worse.

“I need to talk to you.”

Something flashes through Yixing's eyes, too fast for Joonmyun to determine what it is. He thinks it might have been anger. Then Yixing lowers his gaze. “We have nothing to talk about,” he says, maneuvering past Joonmyun to get to his front door.

Joonmyun follows him. “Yixing,” he begins. Yixing doesn't even spare him a glance. “Please.”

“I'm tired, Joonmyun. I don't want to talk to you.”

“Please,” Joonmyun begs again, frantic. “I'll-I'll make it quick, just... fifteen minutes, that's all I need. Give me fifteen minutes, then I'll leave, I promise.”

Yixing pauses, key in the lock, hand on the handle. He seems to be considering it, and Joonmyun pretty much holds his breath until Yixing finally answers: “You have ten.” Joonmyun exhales. Ten minutes is not a lot of time. It's definitely better than no time, though, and he will take what he can get as long as he gets to talk to Yixing.

They go inside, and Yixing abandons his luggage by the door so he can make a beeline straight for the couch. He doesn't gesture for Joonmyun to join him, but Joonmyun sits down nonetheless, folding his hands in his lap. It occurs to him that he has forgotten every single thing he had planned on saying, erased from his mind the very moment he saw Yixing again after so long. He spends a few moments trying to recall his words, but quickly gives up. He's just going to have to wing it. Maybe that's for the better. “How was your trip?” he asks.

Yixing has his arms crossed over his chest and a closed off expression on his face. He's not looking at Joonmyun. “You should probably make better use of your time,” he mutters. “You only have eight minutes left.”

“Right.” Joonmyun grimaces. He has no idea what to say, how to start his sentence, and he opens and closes his mouth several times as he tries to think of a good way to phrase his words to properly convey his feelings. Eventually, he realizes that he already said almost everything he wanted to say to Yixing, so he asks: “Did you get my messages?”

Now Yixing looks at him. “Messages?” he repeats slowly. “No. I... I forgot to bring my phone with me while I was away.” Joonmyun is torn between exasperated fondness (Yixing would forget his phone when leaving the country for a few months) and disappointment that Yixing hasn't heard the heartfelt words he spilled. “You left me messages?” Yixing gets up from the couch and goes towards his bed. By the time Joonmyun realizes what he's doing, that he's checking his phone, it's too late for him to stop it, but he gets on his feet nonetheless, anxious. He sees the screen light up, and then he sees Yixing's eyes widen at the numbers that appear.

“I was desperate,” Joonmyun says sheepishly to defend himself. “I-I really needed to talk to you.” Yixing says nothing, eyes fastened on his phone, and Joonmyun opens his mouth to say something else when he is interrupted by his own voice, sounding tinny coming from the speaker:

“Yixing, it's... it's Joonmyun. Please call me back when you get this? I really need to talk to you.”

Joonmyun stares pointedly anywhere other than at Yixing's face, feeling embarrassed. He knew he was desperate, like he said, but he didn't know he sounded so pathetic.

“It's me. It's Joonmyun, I... please, Yixing. I just... I just want to know if you're okay, at least. Please call me. Or text me. Anything. Please.”

There are a few more messages like that, all increasingly begging (and incredibly embarrassing), and then: “.”

Joonmyun's eyes shoot up, and a spike of panic rises in his chest. He knows this one. He knows where this is going. Quickly, he crosses the space between him and Yixing, and he tries to make a grab for the phone in Yixing's hand, but Yixing holds it out of reach. “Don't...” Joonmyun begins, but he's shushed, and as Yixing walks away from him to listen to the rest of the message undisturbed, Joonmyun's shoulders slump. He resigns himself to his fate.

“. I... I was hoping to be able to tell you this in person, but I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to do, I don't know. I don't... I don't know.” His voice is trembling like he's on the verge of tears. He's a mess. “I just want you to know that I am so ing sorry. Being with you has been the happiest time of my life, and even the thought of not being able to see you anymore is enough to make me want to cry because... because I'm in love with you.” Joonmyun hears Yixing inhaling sharply, but he doesn't lift his head. “God, I'm so in love with you it hurts sometimes. And yes, that means I'm gay. I'm gay, and I'm in love with you. Breaking up was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I'm ing miserable without you. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to forgive me for being such a goddamn idiot, but I needed to tell you this. Even if you tell me to off and that you never want to see my face ever again, I needed you to know how important you are to me. You... you mean everything, I... sorry. I'm sorry.”

The entire time they listen to the message, Joonmyun keeps his gaze fastened on the floor. Once he does look up, he catches the tail end of an expression on Yixing's face that quickly disappears and fades back into neutral indifference as soon as Joonmyun raises his eyes, and Joonmyun wishes he had been looking at Yixing instead so he could've seen how he reacted. His current expression is impossible to decipher.

For a time, Yixing stays quiet, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth while he stares at the now dark screen of his phone as if trying to make sense of what he just heard. “Did... did you really mean all of that?” he finally asks. He sounds hesitant.

“Yes,” Joonmyun answers right away. He waits for Yixing to meet his gaze, he wants him to see the sincerity in his eyes. But Yixing never looks at him, so in the end, Joonmyun lets out a quiet breath of air and says: “I love you.” A jolt of electricity seems to rush through Yixing's body at that. Now the look on his face is shock more than anything else. Joonmyun feels like he waits an eternity for a response, a reaction, anything. His heart is surrounded by swarms of butterflies.

Finally, Yixing moves, but not in the way Joonmyun had hoped. He had hoped Yixing would instantly find it in his heart to forgive Joonmyun and cross the floor to kiss him silly, just like in the movies. But this is not a movie. Instead, Yixing turns his back on Joonmyun and presses the heels of his hands against his eyes, taking shallow, shaky breaths, his shoulders trembling. Once more Joonmyun is struck by the overwhelming urge to step forward and hold Yixing in his arms, to kiss away his tears, because he quickly realizes, much to his horror, that Yixing is crying. Joonmyun has to dig his fingers into his thighs to keep himself grounded.

It takes some time for Yixing to get his breathing back under control, and when he turns to face Joonmyun again, his lashes are damp. He doesn't even try to hide it. Joonmyun opens his mouth to say something, to ask if Yixing is okay, but Yixing beats him to it: “Can you leave?” His voice is frailer than Joonmyun has ever heard it before and it makes his heart ache. It also hurts that Yixing asks him to leave rather than anything else. He had been more optimistic and hoped to at least be able to have a two-way conversation. "I need to think," Yixing adds, and that, that's slightly better. It's less of a rejection and more of an opportunity, a chance for redemption.

“Okay,” Joonmyun says. Most of all, he wants to cry, too. He wants to get on his knees and beg for Yixing to take him back, but he doesn't do that, he just does as he's told. He goes to the hallway, puts on his shoes and leaves without looking back.

~*~

A/N: I'm back! maybe you noticed I was gone for a while, maybe you didn't, but whatever. here I am again!

you know who else is back? yixing. he's back, but he is not necessarily in a very forgiving mood. in fact, he is Pretty ing Pissed. now the big question is: will he ever be able to forgive joonmyun? of course I already know the answer, what with me writing this story and all, but I guess you will all just have to wait and see what happens next, huh? ;)))

ah.

what are author's notes?

what is life?

don't look at me.