As Joonmyun makes his way to the bar, where he's sure Baekhyun will be spending his time on a bustling Friday night like this one, the very familiar feeling of worry slowly begins to creep up on him. It starts out subtle, as a mere inkling of doubt lurking in the back of his mind, but by the time he actually reaches his destination it has turned into full-fledged concern.

There is a good reason for Joonmyun's uncertainty, though. At this point, all of Yixing's friends will more than likely know what happened between them. They will have heard about how Joonmyun ed up and broke Yixing's heart because he's a ing idiot, and he's sure they probably won't be too happy with him for what he did. There is a chance he won't even be allowed entrance to the place. He hadn't thought of it prior to this moment, but it's definitely a very plausible possibility, and it throws his mind into yet another spiral of self-doubt and pessimistic thoughts. What if he can't go in there and talk to Baekhyun? What is he supposed to do then?

Like so many times before, Joonmyun's concern turns out to be all for nothing. The doorman tonight is the one that looks kind of like a frog, the one Yixing had called Minho when he was manning the door one time they were here together, and apparently he didn't hear what happened. He clearly recognizes Joonmyun, and yet he just smiles and pulls back the rope to let him in right away, without a hitch.

Joonmyun tries to remain calm and act natural until he's all the way inside. Then he lets out a sigh of relief. That was so much easier than he had feared it would be, and now, also like so many times before, he feels stupid. A lot of things in his life would be so much simpler if only he stopped worrying about matters there are no need to actually worry about.

Even though Joonmyun already knows Yixing most likely won't be there, he can't help but crane his neck to cast a quick look around the place. Just in case, he tells himself. But of course Yixing is nowhere to be seen, and Joonmyun feels the tiny bit of hope he had allowed to well up in him sizzle out and die on the spot. Nonetheless, his heart races as he makes his way towards the bar area, where he can see Baekhyun pouring drinks and chatting up customers like he always does. As Joonmyun takes a spot at the bar, Baekhyun turns to face him with his usual flirtatious smile in place. This fades, however, as soon as he realizes who he's looking at. Now he looks livid. “What the are you doing here?” he spits.

Joonmyun blinks in surprise at the hostility directed at him. He should've expected it, yet it hits him hard. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Baekhyun is already signaling someone across the room, and when Joonmyun turns his head, he sees Kris looking in their direction. An expression of recognition flashes over Kris' face before it switches into one of pure, unveiled anger, not unlike what Joonmyun saw on Baekhyun's face moments ago.

Joonmyun expects Kris to come over to physically kick him out and maybe even throw in a few punches while he's at it, and he prepares himself for the worst. Kris does neither of those things, though. Instead, he walks the opposite way, and when Joonmyun follows his path with his eyes, he sees that he is heading for one of the booths where Zitao is sitting with Sehun in his lap. Joonmyun knows he needs to act fast now.

So he turns back to Baekhyun, ready to plead for his life, so to speak. “Baekhyun,” he says, desperately trying to make Baekhyun acknowledge him. Baekhyun ignores him in favor of wiping glasses that don't look like they even needed to be wiped in the first place.“Baekhyun, please. I-I need to talk to him. Please tell me where he is.” The rag in Baekhyun's hand runs circles in increasingly aggressive motions, and there's an angry vein throbbing right under the star tattoo on his neck, but he still doesn't spare Joonmyun a single glance. Joonmyun sighs in defeat, running a hand through his hair. “At least tell me if he's doing okay?”

“What the do you think?” Baekhyun snaps. He slams his hand down on the counter and stares intensely at Joonmyun, who cowers. “Tell me, would you be doing okay if someone you cared about more than anything in the world ripped your heart out and crushed it under the sole of their expensive, polished designer shoe?” Joonmyun wouldn't. Of course he wouldn't. He doesn't say that out loud, though (he doesn't think Baekhyun would really care about his answer, anyway), and when he remains silent, Baekhyun sneers. “He has been nothing but kind and patient with you and yet you go and ing him over just like that, God, I wanna ing punch you in the throat for what you did to him. You're a ing piece of , you know that?”

“I know,” Joonmyun says. That response seems to surprise Baekhyun, whose eyes widen, and Joonmyun uses the disruption to his advantage. Now that he has Baekhyun's attention, he leans closer and speaks in a rushed tone: “I'm a ing idiot and I ed up, I know I did, and I need Yixing to know as well. I need to talk to him. Please.” For a while, Baekhyun regards him without saying anything. Joonmyun thinks this must be the longest time Baekhyun has ever been quiet around him. He looks like he's considering things, and Joonmyun holds his breath in anticipation, waits for Baekhyun to hopefully give in and slip him any tiny bit of information he's willing to reveal.

Before Baekhyun can make up his mind, however, someone grabs Joonmyun by the arm. Kris comes into view, looking even angrier and scarier than ever, and on the other side of Joonmyun is Zitao with an equally hard expression and hints of angry tears in his eyes. He's the one holding Joonmyun. “You better get the out of here,” Kris growls. “Right ing now.” Joonmyun gulps. He glances at Baekhyun with a pleading look, hoping that Baekhyun will speak up and let him stay long enough to actually find out about Yixing's whereabouts.

Baekhyun's face is cold and closed off. He doesn't seem to be in a very forgiving mood. The grip on Joonmyun's arm tightens, and then he is being dragged towards the exit. He panics. “Wait!” he yells. As he raises his voice, people around them turn to watch things unfold, but he doesn't even care that they have an audience to watch him embarrass himself. Yixing is more important than his own stupid pride. “Wait, Baekhyun, please!” Baekhyun continues to simply watch him go with his arms crossed over his chest, unrelenting. “Please! I... I love him!”

“Hold up.” Kris and Zitao do as they're told and stop pulling Joonmyun along, and Joonmyun feels momentarily relieved. But then he sees Baekhyun making his way around the bar to approach them, and he tenses up all over again. They're roughly the same height – Joonmyun might even be a little taller on a good day – but Baekhyun's presence is so imposing that Joonmyun can't help but cower slightly. “What did you just say?” Baekhyun asks. His tone is quiet, now, which is even more terrifying than the sting of his previous venomous words. It reminds Joonmyun of the seething anger he had heard in Yixing's voice before he walked out during their fight. “You love him?”

Joonmyun didn't mean to say it. He wanted to tell Yixing before he told anyone else, but the words bubbled up in his chest until he couldn't contain them anymore, and it just slipped out, and now he can't take it back, there's no way he can undo what has already been done. So he straightens up to his full height, pushes out his chin stubbornly, and he owns up to it. “Yes. I love him.”

Baekhyun says nothing. He stays quiet and stares at Joonmyun like he's trying to see right through his skull and read his mind to figure out if he's being truthful. Joonmyun resists the urge the squirm under the intensity of his gaze. “Well,” Baekhyun finally says. “Maybe you should have ing thought about that before you made him so upset he had to leave the ing country.”

The words hit Joonmyun like a punch. He even reels a little from the impact. When Taekwoon had told him that Yixing left, Joonmyun was thinking maybe he went on a short vacation, or maybe he moved in with someone else temporarily because he needed to get away from the memories that lingered in his own apartment – Joonmyun had considered the same thing after they broke up, but he didn't really have anyone to move in with so he stayed put and tried to ignore his brain every time it reminded him how his heart had fluttered upon seeing Yixing, sleepy, drinking coffee in his kitchen in the morning. Yixing, laughing, surrounded by mountains of bubbles in Joonmyun's giant bath tub. Yixing, flushing, spread out on Joonmyun's bed. He did not think that Yixing would've actually left the country. “Wh-... what?” he manages to stutter out.

Baekhyun scoffs. “Right, of course you wouldn't know.” He leans closer, staring Joonmyun right in the face, and speaks slowly as though he believes Joonmyun needs to have it fed to him with a spoon to really understand: “Yixing went back to China. Because of what you did to him.”

“But... But his job...?” The last time Joonmyun and Yixing had talked about Yixing going to China, Yixing's job seemed to be the only thing that was standing in the way of it. If he actually went back home, it would mean that...

“He quit,” Baekhyun says matter-of-factly. Joonmyun feels like a goldfish with the way he's opening and closing his mouth, trying to find his words. “I guess he just didn't care anymore.”

“But,” Joonmyun says again. Like a broken record. “H-how long will he be gone for? When is he coming back? He... he is coming back... right?” He has to come back.

In response, Baekhyun shoots him a dirty look. “That's none of your goddamn business. For all I care, you can go yourself. We're done here.” He does a casual hand motion as if to order Kris and Zitao to carry on even though Baekhyun isn't the one who owns the place. Kris seems more than happy to continue dragging Joonmyun towards the exit, though.

The way they kick him out is a lot like every representation Joonmyun has ever seen of the action. They pick him up off the ground by the back of his clothes and literally throw him, and he lands heavily on the pavement. Behind him, he can hear Kris telling Minho that Joonmyun is banned from the place, that he shouldn't let him in anymore.

Joonmyun doesn't get up for a long time. It's not so much because of the pain of his scraped palms and bruised knees, nor is it because of the humiliation that comes with half a hundred people witnessing him getting manhandled out of a bar.

Rather than that, he is struggling because of the dark despair and suffocating hopelessness rolling over him like waves until he feels like he's drowning under the massive weight of it all. This was his very last resort, the last hope he had for finding out how he can get to talk to Yixing again. Yixing doesn't pick up his phone, he's not at his apartment, and Joonmyun has no idea when he will be coming back. He doesn't even know if Yixing will be coming back.

But he has to come back. He has to.

Right?

~*~

A/N: 

(title from the song "o death" cause I am obsessed with 'until dawn' right now)