The dark cloud of tension follows them all the way back to Joonmyun's apartment, and so does the stifling silence. Joonmyun and Yixing don't speak to each other at all as they unpack the groceries they bought, restocking the empty shelves of Joonmyun's cupboards and fridge.

In Joonmyun's opinion, it's better this way. He has a lot of thinking he needs to do and the lack of conversation definitely helps with that. Yixing's presence, however, does not make things easier. Having him there severely impacts Joonmyun's decision-making, and Joonmyun knows that. He also knows that it's going to be a problem.

Once the shopping bags have been emptied, Joonmyun leaves the kitchen without a word and goes to the bedroom where he sits on the bed. He runs both of his hands over his face. He feels exhausted, not just physically, but mentally as well. Stressing about this is draining. It doesn't take long for Yixing to join him, entering the room cautiously and sitting down next to Joonmyun on the bed with a respectable amount of distance between them. He fiddles nervously with his hands, and then finally gathers up the courage to ask: “Are you okay?” He's smiling sweetly, encouragingly, like he always is when he wants Joonmyun to confide in him.

It's such a simple question and, then again, at the same time it's not. Because Joonmyun is not okay, but he can't exactly just say that. He can't tell Yixing that he's having a mental breakdown at the thought of his mother finding out that he's dating another man. Joonmyun frowns. “I think... I think you should go home,” he mutters. “I think it would be better if you... leave. Just leave.”

Yixing's smile vanishes at the sound of those words. “What? Why?” Now he most of all just looks confused. Sad and confused. “Did I do something wrong?”

Joonmyun averts his eyes. “I have some work I need to get done. Kinda urgent.”

“But me being here doesn't usually stop you from doing that,” Yixing says quietly. It's true. There have been plenty of occasions where Joonmyun needed to do something work-related, and Yixing respected that and either made himself scarce for a few hours or napped next to Joonmyun on the bed as Joonmyun read. He has never been distracting on purpose when Joonmyun said he had to work. It's a stupid excuse and Joonmyun knows it. Yixing seems to know it as well. “Look, I'll leave if you really want me to, but please don't lie to me. Is this about what happened at the store with that lady?” Joonmyun chews on his bottom lip. He doesn't answer. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There's nothing to talk about,” Joonmyun insists. “I just need some peace to work. That's all.”

Yixing lets out a sigh. “Is it because you didn't want her to find out that we're dating? Are you really that embarrassed by me?”

“I'm not,” Joonmyun quickly assures him. “I'm not embarrassed by you, I just...” He trails off. He doesn't know how to explain it, which is frustrating. He can write excellently eloquent reports in his sleep, and he can do forty minute presentations without making any mistakes whatsoever, but when it comes to expressing his feelings properly with words, he's a lost cause, and he hates it.

For a while, Yixing studies him, calculating. And then, quietly: “Is it because you didn't want her to find out that you're gay?” The question hits Joonmyun so hard the room spins for a moment and he's left to gasp for air. Yixing seems to notice his violent reaction and deduces that he's right. “That's it, isn't it? It's okay! Of course I can never know exactly how you feel, but I understand that it's difficult to come out publicly, and I would never force you to do that if you're not ready, I just want you to know that I understand that you–”

“I'm...” Yixing cuts himself off to allow Joonmyun to speak, and Joonmyun's voice is hoarse and frail when he does: “I'm not...” He can barely even get himself to take the word in his mouth, and when he manages to do so, he quickly spits it back out: “...g-gay. I'm... not gay.” Something about the way he says it makes it sound almost like a curse. A swear.

However, Yixing seems to misinterpret the meaning of Joonmyun's words as he just smiles and goes on to say: “I know it can be kind of terrifying to admit to other people that you're gay, but...” There it is again, that word. It hits just as hard the second time around, and Joonmyun feels a little nauseous just thinking it. Gay.

Yixing is still talking, going on and on about how he wants to try to understand how Joonmyun feels so he can help him through this, and how there's no rush and he can take all the time he needs, and how Yixing is there for him if he needs it, and how it's okay to be gay. Gay, gay, gay. Joonmyun snaps. “But I'm not ing gay!” he exclaims. That makes Yixing go quiet. It's the first time Joonmyun has ever raised his voice with him this way, but he needs to get his point across and feels like this is the only way to do that. If Joonmyun was in his right mind, he'd take some time to cool off before talking about this, but he's worked up and he can't stop himself. “Stop, stop saying that, just stop! I'm not gay! I'm not– I'm not a homo!”

There's a shocked expression on Yixing's face now. Whether it's from Joonmyun's words or his tone of voice is unclear. He stares at Joonmyun for a long time as if he's trying to figure out if Joonmyun is really being serious or not, if he's going to say something more, if he's going to apologize for his outburst, but the followup never comes, and eventually, Yixing's hopeful expression fades. Instead, he scoffs. His smile is bitter. “Right,” he says. “Is that why you like it so much when I shove my up your ?” It's a comment with clear malicious intent. It's meant to hurt, meant to bore its way into Joonmyun's heart and settle there with its spikes and venom and pump his body full of hatred.

And, unfortunately, it serves its purpose. Joonmyun bristles. Just like he has never raised his voice at Yixing, Yixing has never spoken to him this way before either. It does hurt, like it's supposed to, and Joonmyun's instinct kicks in and makes him want to hurt Yixing right back, so he sneers and says the first thing that comes to mind without even thinking about it: “Well, I'm sure you can easily get Baekhyun to take my place, you know, what with him being a cheap and all.”

If possible, Yixing looks even more shocked now. He also kind of looks like he wants to retort somehow, but he chooses not to. Even though his anger is a quiet, seething one, it's obvious that he is angry. Joonmyun almost wishes Yixing would snap and yell at him instead, that would be a lot less intimidating, but Yixing just stares at Joonmyun for a few more seconds, and then he gets on his feet. “Wow,” he mutters, shaking his head to himself. “Unbelievable. Un-ing-believable.”

A rush of terror and regret flashes quickly through Joonmyun's stomach, leaving nausea in its wake, and for a brief moment, he feels like he has ed up. “Yixing,” he begins, but he's cut off.

“No.” Yixing turns to look at Joonmyun, who's still sitting on the bed, motionless, speechless, and when he speaks, he utters his words slowly, his tone eerily level: “I have tried to be understanding with you this entire time. I know a lot of the things we've done have been new and scary to you because you've never done it before, so I've tried, Joonmyun, I have tried. I've been patient, and I have forgiven many things, but now I have had enough. This isn't fair to me, and I'm tired of... of being the only one who tries. So you know what? this. I'm done.” He leaves the room without sparing Joonmyun another glance and moments later, Joonmyun hears the distinct sound of the front door closing. Not slamming shut, just closing quietly, just like Yixing's outburst had been quiet.

Now that Yixing is gone, Joonmyun stands up as well, and he starts pacing the floor. There are so many different emotions warring inside of him right now – anger, hurt and sadness swirling in his mind and in his heart to form a maelstrom of pain, his energy down into its black abyss and leaving him hollow. He feels like he's falling apart from the inside and out. There is heat behind his eyes, unshed tears. Everything is awful, and the worst part is probably that he knows that Yixing was right about every single thing he said.

In a fit of anger and frustration, Joonmyun grabs the teddy bear from his nightstand, the one with the paisley-patterned paws, the one Yixing gave him, and he hurls it at the door Yixing just left through. Predictably, it bounces right off and falls to the floor, seemingly unscathed. “!” Joonmyun exclaims, pulling at his own hair. Everything is so ed up.

Joonmyun has never had a breakup as painful as this before. Then again, he has never really had a real breakup at all. There is an empty spot in his chest that feels empty and raw, like his heart has shattered into a thousand pieces, puncturing his insides. He didn't know would feel so terrible, and he doesn't understand why it feels this way. He chose this himself, this is what he wanted, it's not supposed to feel so bad. He buries himself under five layers of blankets and doesn't move for hours, and even though he feels a lot like crying, he doesn't do that. He won't allow himself to cry. He chose this. He shouldn't cry.

Sunday rolls into Monday and Joonmyun can't seem to find the motivation to get out of bed so he just... doesn't. He stays where he is, curled up in his cocoon, and tries not to think about how much he's hurting. Several times he hears his phone going off, and he knows that he should probably be a Responsible Adult and answer it, but it's in the other room where he left it the day before and answering it would mean that he would have to get out of bed, so...

He doesn't get up until the doorbell rings. He's not sure why that of all things is what motivates him. Perhaps it's because a small part of him is hoping that he'll see Yixing on the other side, having come back to talk things out and patch up their broken relationship, but Joonmyun is too stubborn to admit that that might be the case so he pushes those thoughts away as he is so prone to do. He's perfectly fine with this decision. He's fine. This is all for the better. This is what he wanted.

It's not Yixing standing outside his door (Joonmyun is not disappointed). Instead he opens it and comes face to face with Jongdae. (Joonmyun is not disappointed). “Oh,” Joonmyun says. It's just you.” Then he frowns. “Wait, how do you even know where I live?” As far as he recalls, Jongdae has never visited his place before.

“I asked someone at the office to give me your address,” Jongdae explains, which makes Joonmyun frown even harder.

“Why?”

“Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you didn't show up at work, which is very much unlike you, so we tried calling you about a dozen times and when you didn't pick up, we started worrying that something bad had happened to you.”

“Oh.”

Jongdae looks Joonmyun over, takes in his disheveled state. “Are you sick or something?”

“No,” Joonmyun mumbles.

“Then what is it?” Jongdae is beginning to sound irritated. “Look, I can totally understand if you needed a personal day, we all need that sometimes, but we were all really worried about you so it would've been nice if you had at least called to tell us that... hyung, where are you going?” Joonmyun can't deal with this right now. He just can't. Jongdae follows him into the apartment but stays standing while Joonmyun sits down on the couch. Jongdae's angry look has been replaced by one of worry. “Okay, what is going on with you, hyung? Please tell me.”

Joonmyun takes in a deep breath. Then another. And another. “It's over,” he manages to say.

That doesn't seem to make Jongdae any less confused. “What's over?”

“Me and Yixing,” Joonmyun says. “We... we broke up.” Saying it out loud makes it all that more real, like the breakup is finally finalized. And now the sting in Joonmyun's eyes becomes to much, he can't hold back the tears any longer, so he buries his face in his hands, and he finally cries.

For once, Jongdae seems to be at a loss for words. “Wh-what?” he says. He sits down next to Joonmyun, looking completely shell shocked. “How... how did that happen?” Joonmyun can't get any words past his quivering lips so he doesn't try. He just cries and cries and cries, and just when he thought it was almost over, he cries a little more. He can't remember the last time he wept this hard. He doesn't know if he ever wept this hard.

It takes a long time for him to collect himself, but with Jongdae patting his back and talking him through it, he eventually manages to do so. And then he tells Jongdae everything. He tells him about meeting Mrs. Lee at the supermarket, he tells him about the fear, about being so, so afraid, he tells him about his decision to end things with Yixing, he tells him about how bad he feels now even though he chose this. “I think I ed up,” Joonmyun whispers.

Somewhere along the line, Jongdae's expression has turned from sympathetic to something more like sad with a hint of disappointment and slight disdain. “Yup,” he agrees. “You definitely did.”

“But,” Joonmyun adds. “But this is for the better. Right?” Jongdae doesn't respond. He just sighs and pats Joonmyun's back some more.

~*~

A/N: the monsters in my head are scared of love.

ah, this chapter hurts my heart. there you have it, folks. kim joonmyun's signature ability to Up has finally come back to bite him in the . like I said in response to a few of your comments, yixing is an actual saint with a kind and patient heart, but even saints will eventually get fed up with all the they have to take, and yixing has taken a lot. so he snapped, and now they've broken up. but this is for the better, right? :)))))

today (as in the day of me posting this, july 30th... if you're reading this at any other point, again, feel free to disregard this entire paragraph) is my birthday, and what a fitting update for the occasion: a depressing ing chapter for a depressing ing day. \o/ wow much sadness. such lack of will to live. wow.

I'll see you in the next chapter in which kim joonmyun continues to be a up. (y)

bye!