It takes a while for Joonmyun to revert back to his past routine. After all, it has been many months since his days started this way. His body continues to wake him up earlier than necessary, but where he would usually go to the park to kill those extra minutes, he now goes straight to the office every day instead. He works hard, declines social invitations and spends a lot of his time by himself. Everything is back to normal – with the exception, of course, of a major aspect suddenly missing from his life. He tries not to think about that.

Jongdae hasn't been much of a support through this whole thing, and even though he never gives a specific reason for that, Joonmyun is pretty sure it's because he believes that Joonmyun made a huge mistake when he broke things off with Yixing. They keep a professional relationship, and Joonmyun still considers him a friend even if Jongdae doesn't necessarily return the sentiment at the moment. Joonmyun knows Jongdae is disappointed with him. He can tell from the look in Jongdae's eyes whenever they're together: bitterness.

At work, Luhan keeps sending Joonmyun sad looks too, like he just witnessed a puppy being kicked or something along those lines, and it's more than obvious that he knows what's going on as well, probably because Jongdae told him. Joonmyun honestly couldn't care less about what they think, though. It's his life and his decisions, and he feels like he has made the right choice. He feels like he has made the choice that will cause him the least damage in the long run.

Perhaps it is a little selfish, the fact that Joonmyun has made his decision based entirely on what his family might think of him rather than following his own heart, but he's weak. He doesn't have it in him to not care about other people's opinions of him, and he doesn't want to upset his mother, the woman who gave him life, so this is what he chose. It doesn't feel good at all. If he lies to himself, though, he can pretend it doesn't hurt as much as it does. Faking it comes easy to him. He's good at acting like everything is fine.

Coincidentally, Joonmyun's mother calls him exactly two weeks after the breakup. “How are you, dear?” she asks, ever kind. “I feel like I haven't spoken to you in forever.”

“I'm fine, mom,” Joonmyun mumbles. He hopes his fatigue doesn't travel over the phone. His mother always had this way of knowing something's wrong from the slightest change in his voice. “Just busy with work. Tired.” She lets out a noise that's very characteristic for her, the one that lets him know that she's worried and unhappy about how hard he's pushing himself. He can't help but smile a little. The compassion is nice. “I'm fine. Really.”

“Okay,” she relents, although her tone makes it very clear that she doesn't actually believe him. “Are you feeding yourself properly? I'm sure you're not. You're probably living off of takeout and ramyun, aren't you?” Joonmyun's smile widens. She knows him so well. At his lack of response, she clicks her tongue in disapproval. “I knew it. You're just as bad as your brother used to be before he got married!”

“At least I know how to use a rice cooker,” Joonmyun mutters under his breath. His brother had once eaten nothing but instant rice and kimchi for the majority of his meals because he was a disaster in the kitchen. Lucky for him, he had ended up marrying an excellent chef. Joonmyun's mind briefly encounters thoughts of slicing carrots, Chinese stir fry and cupcakes made from scratch, and he has to squeeze his eyes shut to make the sudden sting go away.

“Why don't you come visit me?” Joonmyun's mother suggests, a welcome distraction. “You can even come over today, if you want. I'll make you a nice, home-cooked meal and you can tell me about what's been going on in your life. You know I haven't heard from you in a long time.”

Joonmyun sighs inaudibly. Honestly, he'd rather not. He doesn't feel up for it, and he already knows what they're going to be talking about. This is his mother, though, and he really hasn't seen her in a while. “Alright, I'll come over,” he gives in, and her happy chattering makes him chuckle. He's already dreading the inevitable upcoming talk about girlfriends and marriage.

After Joonmyun and his brother had moved out, their parents hadn't needed all the space of their old house. They moved into a much smaller apartment, and even though Joonmyun has never actually lived here for more than the occasional brief weekend visit, it still feels like a second home to him when he steps through the front door. It's the smell of his childhood hanging in the air, the furniture he remembers climbing around on as a kid, the trinkets and pictures he has seen so many times he can paint a perfect replica of them in his sleep.

He's not even allowed to take off his shoes before his mother pulls him into a hug so tight it's almost bone-crushing – a quite impressive feat for someone of her tiny stature. Immediately afterwards, she starts fussing over him, complaining about how tired he looks (“you work too hard, you need to rest more!”) and how skinny he is (“you don't eat enough, you need to eat more!”), and Joonmyun just stands there with a smile and lets her do whatever she wants to do until she has tired herself out. “You really need to visit me more often,” she says for the umpteenth time. “It's been so long that I barely even recognized you. You! My own son!”

“Don't be so overdramatic,” Joonmyun says with a smile and a kiss to her cheek. “It's nice to see you, too.” She herds him into the kitchen and sits him at the table and starts filling it with all sorts of food. Even though their family is wealthy enough for Joonmyun's mother to employ several servants, she never wished to do so since she has always preferred to do these things herself. Joonmyun's father hadn't been one for an extravagant lifestyle either. They're well off but humble.

“Eat, eat!” Joonmyun's mother says, piling japchae onto his plate. “You're wasting away!”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “I'm fine, mom,” he says, but his protests fall on deaf ears so he gives up trying to convince her that he's not actually starving himself. While they eat, Joonmyun talks about what he's doing at work and his mother tells him how his brother is doing and talks about distant members of the family Joonmyun barely even recognizes the names of. Everything is just like it usually is.

Which is why, as expected, the conversation eventually drifts towards the one topic Joonmyun had been hoping to avoid. His mother wipes daintily with her napkin, a tell-tale sign of what's to come. Joonmyun holds his breath. “So,” his mother begins. “Lee Kyungah mentioned that she met you at the store the other day.” It takes Joonmyun a few moments to realize what she's referring to – after all, he never knew her as anything other than 'Mrs. Lee'. “She said you promised to go on another date with Soonkyu.”

Joonmyun pulls a face. “Mom, you know Soonkyu-noona is like a sister to me.” They've known each other for most of their lives, and the only time Joonmyun ever had any kind of feelings for her other than friendly was when he was fifteen and his took interest in pretty much anyone with a set of s. “I don't like her like that.”

His mother nods. She doesn't seem surprised by his answer, mostly a bit disappointed. “That's what I thought, I just wanted to make sure that you didn't, you know... change your mind.” There's a lull in their conversation. In his head, Joonmyun counts down the seconds to the next predictable turn. “It really would be nice if you could like Soonkyu, though. She's very sweet and pretty, and she treats her parents well. She's a great girl.” There it is.

“I know she is, mom, but I really don't feel that way about her.” He frowns when his mother lets out a sigh. This is one of the reasons why he dislikes this particular conversation so much. His mother always had a way of making him feel guilty about his relationships – or, rather, lack of same – even though it's not exactly something he can control. You don't get to choose who you develop feelings for. If that was possible, Joonmyun certainly would've made some different choices in life.

“Is there... someone else, then? Someone you like?” Against Joonmyun's own will, his mind immediately goes to thoughts of Yixing, and he hates that that's the case. He doesn't want to keep thinking about Yixing all the time. If this doesn't stop, he's never going to get over it. Unfortunately, his mother picks up on his sudden silence, and she pounces at it. “Is there someone?”

Joonmyun can't lie to her. “There was someone,” he corrects her. “Up until a couple of weeks ago.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” She sounds absolutely scandalized.

Joonmyun shrugs, stabbing his food despondently with one of his chopsticks. “I don't know, I never really thought about it. It doesn't matter anyway. We broke up.”

His sad expression seems to soften her up somewhat as she sounds much more sympathetic when she asks: “What happened?”

Letting out a sigh, Joonmyun puts down his utensils, and he rubs his face tiredly. “It was all my fault,” he mumbles. “I messed up. I did some stupid things and said some stupid things and we fought and then it was just... over.”

His mother puts her hand on top of his, and when he raises his head to look at her, she smiles kindly. “These things happen, honey. Couples fight all the time. Who knows, maybe you still have a chance to patch up your relationship.”

Joonmyun shakes his head. “I seriously doubt that. I kind of broke things off on purpose. I had to do it. I had to.” He chose this. He chose this. He shouldn't be so upset about it. “I guess I'm just sad because I really, really liked him. I still like him.”

“'Him'?” Now his mother is looking at him in a way that seems... wary? Joonmyun was never great at reading her expression, but he thinks that's what it is.

He blinks. “What?”

“'Him',” his mother repeats, speaking slowly. “You said... you said you really like 'him'.”

Joonmyun feels like someone just kicked him in the stomach. He has been knocked off balance and can't seem to find his footing. Heavy tension has settled over them like a thick blanket, making it hard to breathe, and an almost hysteric laugh falls out of Joonmyun's mouth. “Did I?” he squeaks. “Th-that must've been a mistake. Haha. Silly me. I totally meant her.” This is the very reason why he broke up with Yixing: he didn't want his mother to find out. And now, because of his own carelessness, he ruined it all anyway. It was all for nothing. He feels so stupid.

His mother is still regarding him with a sharp gaze. It's impossible to tell what she's thinking, even as she lets out a quiet hum and lowers her eyes to focus on her plate again, and the state of not knowing has Joonmyun at the edge of his seat with anxiousness. “Do you remember when you were eight years old and you accidentally broke your father's antique fountain pen and tried to pretend you had no idea what had happened to it?” Joonmyun is taken aback by the sudden question, which seems to come out of nowhere, but even though it was something that took place almost twenty years ago, he still recalls it, so he nods. “It was the first time you ever lied to me. Do you also remember how I could tell you were lying right away and how I called you out on it?”

“Yeah?” Joonmyun says, still confused. He's not quite sure where this is going.

“Let me just say you haven't gotten any better at lying since then.” His mother raises her gaze to look right at him, her eyes seemingly boring into Joonmyun. “I can tell when you're lying, Kim Joonmyun, and right now is definitely one of those times.”

Something cold runs down Joonmyun's back. It's the clammy fingers of dread settling at the base of his spine. Why is this happening? “M-mom, I... I really didn't–”

“Kim Joonmyun,” his mother cuts him off in the stern kind of voice that tells him there is no way for him to talk his way out of this mess he has gotten himself into. He has been trapped in a corner and he can't escape. His mother still staring right at him. “I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer truthfully. Do not lie to me.”

“Okay,” Joonmyun whispers. He feels like a little kid all over again. Like he's being reprimanded. Like he's in a lot of trouble. Which, technically, he kind of is. He's wading around in a knee-deep pile of , and he knows he landed himself there. This can't end well.

Hours seem to go by as his mother considers her next words, but when she finally settles on what she's going to say, Joonmyun wishes it had taken longer, wishes he had more time to prepare.

Because he is not at all ready for his mother looking straight at him with an unwavering gaze as she asks: “Do you like men?”

~*~

A/N: guess who's back, back again, goo is back, tell a friend.

ah yes. so here is another chapter of this wonderfully eventful story. so much happening. so exciting. wow.
as I promised about eighty million years ago when I posted my last update (because what the is a schedule, right?), it's yet another chapter of joonmyun continuing to be a up. tadah~! \o/ also, what would this story be without another cliffhanger?

I have nothing else to say. y'all can go ahead and draw your own conclusions. you're good at that.