Sehun

3:00 AM.

3:59 AM.

4:00 AM.

4:59 AM.

5:00 AM.

Haerin.

I can’t bring myself to sleep. I just stared at the ceiling, lying on my bed in the dark. I miss you, Sun Haerin. I just really want to say that in front of her. I just want her to know that I missed her so much and I never loved her any less since she…left. Not one bit. As crazy as it sounds, I still hope she loves me just the same.

Not a day passed by that I didn’t think of her. Not a night passed by that I never prayed she was okay. God, I love her. And I just wish there was something to undo my mistakes. I wish time machines existed. I wish there was an undo button in life. But no, none of those are real because if they were then I’d be hugging her right now. I’d have my arms wrapped protectively around her waist, let her back press on my chest as I breathe in the scent of her hair and leave sweet kisses behind her head.

Turning around, I saw her face. Haerin. The moonlight cascading through the window lit on her face. She smiled softly at me and I furrowed my eyebrows at her. She lifted a hand and touched my face. She was smiling as she traced the features of my face, her fingers lightly brushing on my forehead, on the tip of my nose. Her thumb softly brushed on my lips. My vision blurred as tears pooled in the corner of my eyes. She chuckled softly at me and leaned forward. I closed my eyes, preparing myself to feel her lips on mine but I didn’t feel it. Opening my eyes, there was no one.

She wasn’t there. It wasn’t real. It’s just another hallucination, Sehun.

I’ve been having these hallucinations almost every time. Sometimes when I’m home alone, I’d picture her running out of what used to be our room, hurriedly hanging her bag on her shoulder and quickly run to give me a quick peck on the lips because she’s already running late for class. But then I’d catch myself just staring at the empty room and I’m still by myself. Sometimes I’d hear her say my name, calling me from the kitchen but whenever I’d turn around it was just Kyungsoo hyung who was calling my attention. Whenever I’d go to starbucks, I’d stare at the usual seat we used to occupy and watch another couple enjoy their stay there as they talk and I’d suddenly see myself sitting there with Haerin across me as we laugh and hold hands like two silly people just plainly in love.

I’d give anything to have that back, to have her back, to be with her again.

There’s so much I want to say to her. There’s so much I want to explain. There’s so much to apologize for. Starting with being the worse boyfriend in history, no matter how sweet I was or how loving I have been, that cannot cover up for the mistake I did. I promised her so many things and I broke all of those in a day. No matter how much I wanted to keep those, there’s not a chance now, is there? Of course not. Who the am I kidding? Thinking of my mistake, I don’t deserve a chance. I don’t even deserve her forgiveness.

I let a tear roll down my cheeks and I sat up. I ed up a lot of things and I can’t believe I let myself up that one best thing that happened to me. I let out a sigh as I held onto the necklace that had the ring on it—the ring I gave her when I proposed. If Haerin’s not wearing this, then might as well not have anyone wear it. And I’d be carrying this ring along with the guilt my whole life…

Because Sun Haerin was the one and I ed that up.

8:00 AM. I stood up, not minding whether I’ve had no sleep. There was no way I could sleep with everything I’ve been contemplating on. Haerin and I are basically in the same town and no matter how big the country might be or how many people there are, I can’t think of anything but the chances of seeing her—if there is even a slight chance of that happening.

When I got out of the room, it seems like everyone just got up. Kyungsoo hyung and Chanyeol hyung were in the kitchen, still a bit sleepy as they try to cook breakfast. Meanwhile, Jongin and Baekhyun hyung got their heads down the table while Suho hyung was busily reading the daily newspaper. Soon, the front door swung open. Tao went inside who was wearing his panda pajamas. Behind him followed Lay hyung who was carrying a stuffed toy, still half asleep and then there’s Xiumin and Kris hyung who are the only ones who looked fully awake. And Jongdae hyung isn’t around.

“Don’t tell me you lazy bums are going to eat breakfast here again,” Kyungsoo hyung sharply remarked and glared at the 5 boys who just entered.

“Why are you mad?” Tao pouted.

“It’s called tough love you lazy panda,” Chanyeol hyung commented and I ignored them. I’m pretty sure they’re going to have one of those petty morning fights again. It happens everyday.

Walking to Hyeri’s room, I saw her lying on bed, sleeping soundly. It’s a relief for me that she didn’t have any emotional break down last night. She’s been having problems with her family and nobody’s on her side now but me. So I feel the need to always guide her and make sure she doesn’t feel alone for that matter. After all, it was my fault why she’s going through this. I’ve ruined not just my life but hers too and not to mention, she’s carrying our first child. I know Hyeri is having a hard time trying to put aside her party life for this because this isn’t what she wants but we don’t have a choice now, do we?

I saw her rub her eyes and opened them slowly. She eyed at me and I just smiled warmly at her. I walked towards the bed and sat on the space beside her, “Good morning sleepyhead,” I joked as she rolled her eyes at me.

“Gosh that was the best sleep I’ve had in weeks,” She sighed as I chuckled at her. I’m glad she got a good rest. Hyeri’s been stressed out lately and it’s not good for her and the baby.

Lifting my hand, I touched her belly, which was now showing a little bump. The hyungs said it was pretty big for three months though so they all assumed it was a boy. Hyeri refused to get an ultrasound because she wants to be surprised. I’m not going to lie. I’m quite excited to know if it is a boy or a girl. The hyungs said it was normal for me to be eager about it because I am the father after all.

“Hi little buddy,” I cooed near her belly and let my thumb run softly across her skin, feeling that bump, “Did you sleep well like mommy?” I asked as Hyeri chuckled at me.

“Sehun don’t do that,” She laughed as I looked up at her and rolled my eyes, “Don’t call her buddy. She’s a girl,”

“I’m taking my chances—it’s a boy. The big bump says it all,” I said as she sighed at me.

“Hey, I’m the one pregnant here. My pregnant instinct says it’s a girl so shut it,”

“And my non-pregnant instinct says it’s a boy. I want a boy. A boy would be nice,”

“A girl would be nicer.” She argued.

“Ew,” We both looked by the door and saw Jongin leaning topless by the doorframe looking at us with disgust, “It’s creepy enough that you two had , and then creepier because now you’re going to be parents and now you’re the creepiest people on earth for arguing over the baby’s gender,”

“You’re just jealous.” Hyeri made a face.

“Jealous?” Jonging scoffed, “Oh please. I wouldn’t my best friend’s girlfriend even if she threw herself at me,” And just like that, the atmosphere tensed. Jongin has never been in favor of the situation. He hated it. Hyeri told me that Jongin has been confusing her because before everyone knew of this, she ran to Jongin and he helped her but after the truth got out, it’s like Jongin didn’t want anything to do with anything.

“That’s a low blow,” Hyeri said through gritted teeth.

Jongin plastered on that smugly smirk on his face, “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure you blew lower,”

“ you, Jongin.” Hyeri bit back.

He scoffed, “Oh did you forget darling? You already did,” And one last smirk at us before he turned his back, “Breakfast is ready just come out if you’re hungry,” He told us as he walked away.

Hyeri turned to me, glaring, “Next time you might want to defend me over your friend,”

“Just ignore him. If you won’t let him get to you then he’ll shut up. That’s how Jongin is,” I said by explantion and she just clicked her tongue and hit my arm, “Ouch! What was that for?!”

“Just what kind of a boyfriend are you?!” Her statement made me furrow my eyebrows as I looked at her confusedly. Boyfriend? We’re not in a relationship. She just continued to glare at me.

“Hyeri, we agreed to do this together but we’re-”

“I’m hungry,” She cut me off and immediately hopped off the bed. Hyeri walked out the room leaving me behind. She would always avoid that subject. Whenever I tried to clear out whatever our status is, Hyeri would find a way to get out of it. And I didn’t push her. The last thing I want is to stress out the mother of my first child and considering that she’s going through a lot too, she won’t need more stress.

I walked out of the room and sat on my usual spot. Lay, Luhan and Xiumin hyung stayed in the living room eating their bowl of cereals while the rest of us sat by the dining table. Kyungsoo hyung cooked a lot and it seems like he’s actually getting used to cooking twice the amount of our usual food. He’s been very considerate of Hyeri’s situation. He cooks a lot for her too, sometimes he even asks what she wants to have and we all have to either suffer or enjoy her favorite.

Small chitchats formed as we started breakfast and it seems like today, no one had to get out because enrollment for this coming new semester isn’t until next week. The guys were talking about throwing a comeback party, inviting lots of people from campus but they’re having trouble deciding on what bar and where to have it. Meanwhile, I stayed awfully quiet. I just never really liked bars anymore. The last time I was there…I ed up.

“Bar parties are now cliché to me,” Jongin muttered with a bit of disgust.

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