If there was one thing I didn’t want to deal with right now it was this. It’s only been a day since I web chatted my Father, and nothing had changed, I was hearing the same stories from my brothers, of my dad snapping at them, exploding and now the girls were crossing every boundary I had set up. ‘Oh my gosh, what is this!’ Chinho started laughing as she looked at my notebook, ‘seriously Jaehwa?’ She shrieked with laughter before she waved the sheet in Gayun’s face, ‘look at this!’ Gayun grinned as she snatched my notebook and read over it. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to deal with this right now, I thought with a scowl.

 ‘Jaehwa,’ she cooed as she slung her arm around my shoulder. ‘You’re really kind of ridiculous, aren’t you? I mean writing? Come on with your ridiculous theories who would read it,’ she gave me my notebook without even look at it, thankfully. I don’t know what I would do if they tried to read my stuff. ‘I’m sorry but your writing is probably terrible I mean jumping everywhere and filled with nonsensical ideas.’ I breathed deeply as I forced my annoyance down, closing my notebook I put it away. Writing was my passion, and I couldn’t even enjoy it, most people had the same reaction as these two.

 Everyone always told me that I should go into investigative reporting, they never once thought of creative writing, that was Peter’s space. Everyone always praised his writing, his creativity, his poems, and nobody knew I loved creative writing, not even he understood. He didn’t know I had my head in the clouds, he didn’t know I could almost breathe the same air as my characters at times, writing was my therapy, my release. My only way out of my constraints, to be who I was without my dad getting angry.

 ‘Well I can’t help nobody is smart enough to understand my highly developed writing,’ I joked as I forced out a laugh. Chinho rolled her eyes and lightly pushed me.

 ‘Someone’s narcissistic,’ I felt myself freeze, my smile growing. Narcissistic, people used it as a joke, nobody understood what it really meant, I’m not narcissistic. Right? I breathed out as I shivered, no I’m not, don’t even think about it, you’re not like him.

 ‘Yeah my ego’s not that big,’ I retorted, only gaining disbelieving laughs.

 ‘Oh, it so is!’ Gayun waved her hand. Everyone always thought I was confident, I had heard people call me a rock, strong, confident, narcissistic, bigot, prideful, they never seemed to realise I was joking. They never realised that was my joking style, and a hidden plea. A wish to be complimented for once, to be acknowledged. ‘Oh! Chanyeol!’ She chirped as he walked up.

 ‘Hey,’ He smiled before claiming a seat, ‘we’re going to get started soon, right?’

 ‘Let’s get drinks first,’ Chinho smiled as the waiter came over. after ordering she immediately pulled out her folder, ‘okay this is what I did.’ She pulled out her story, Gayun following after her. ‘I guess we should pass our annotations out and read everyone’s ideas on it. Hey, anyone have a ruler?’ I nodded and handed her mine, she smiled in thanks before setting up her sheet to take notes on everyone elses ideas.

 ‘Sounds good,’ Chanyeol agreed as he put down his paper, it looked like it was covered in annotations. I winced as I looked at my story, maybe I didn’t do enough, I hope I don’t drag the group down. I reluctantly put it down, Gayun immediately snatched it up and started reading it. Biting my lip I picked up Chinho’s and started reading it. I can admit I have pride issues, I can admit that I think I’m a genius, well not a genius but I see myself as extremely intelligent, though not in numbers. And I can admit that after looking at Chinho’s paper, I did feel immense pride for myself, I may not have done all that I could but she did the bare minimum. I skipped all the points she did because I tend to ignore the obvious, mine was covered in things she missed. I did feel bad that I felt pride, though never contempt that’s a dangerous emotion to have, over her work, they always made fun of my way of thinking but my way of thinking got me a lot of points she missed. After I got Gayun’s paper I read through it quickly, she had some points I missed but we mostly had the same stuff, but when I got Chanyeol’s I could feel my stomach tighten. I could feel my iq dropping as I read through his story, he had so many things I didn’t. Needless to say when I put down his work I felt like an idiot, my stuff suddenly felt like wild speculation.

 ‘Really Jaehwa?’ Gayun spoke up as she took my story from Chinho, ‘why do you have broken bread highlighted? What does that even mean?’ I could feel my cheeks go warm as I bit my lip.

 ‘Well in the bible when Jesus talks about communion he calls calls his body bread, so I figured that well...Joyce was talking about Polly’s body being broken, that Mr. Doron broke her and that her mother was the one picking up the pieces fixing the situation but putting them together….’ I trailed off, sighing as I tried to ignore Gayun’s giggling.

 ‘Oh! I can’t believe I didn’t notice that,’ Chanyeol exclaimed as he flipped through his papers. ‘I completely ignored the religious lens! I was focusing on gender and culture!’ I blinked and stared at him funny as he started highlighting the part with the bread. ‘I forgot connotation too, I was focusing on shift, colour, and conflict.’ Yeah, I feel like an idiot, here he is throwing around terms I only remember if I see them in front of me.

 ‘You already did a lot Chanyeol, don’t worry,’ Chinho smiled at him before taking the drinks from waiter.

 ‘It’s a good thing Jaehwa focused on religious and psychological lens, we all seemed to miss it.’ He laughed, I didn’t miss Chinho sharing a look of faint disbelief with Gayun before they laughed along with him.

 ‘Yeah….’ I mumbled as I took a sip out of my frapp. ‘This tastes funny,’ I scrunched up my nose and looked at it before smelling it. ‘Cinnamon?’ I frowned as I my lips, I hate cinnamon, my friend made me do the stupid youtube challenge once and since then I can’t stand the taste it makes me sick.

‘Oh! That’s mine, I got a caramel frapp with cinnamon,’ Chanyeol switched out drinks before drinking the one he had taken from me. ‘Definitely mine.’ I blinked and stared at him with wide eyes.

 ‘Shouldn’t you be getting a new one?’ I asked as I looked down at the frapp he had given me. ‘I mean I drank out of it,’ I took a sip out of the frapp after I spoke.

 ‘Well I drank out of your frapp too, and you’re drinking it,’ I jolted and looked at the drink before frowning. I didn’t think he had, had any yet.

 ‘Germs!’ I exclaimed as I looked at the frapp I had just drank out of. ‘I’m going to get sick! My mouth isn’t acclimatised to your germs!’ I frowned as Chinho burst out laughing.

 ‘Oh my gosh Jaehwa, you’re so weird, you have germs too.’

 ‘Well yeah, but my body is used to them. He has foreign germs.’

 ‘Well I’m not used to your germs either, so I guess we’ll get sick together,’ Chanyeol joked.

 ‘Don’t worry about her Chanyeol,’ Gayun spoke up after she put down her hot drink. ‘She’s a freaking psychopath.’

 ‘Okay, I’m not a psychopath, I don’t meet all of the qualifications, for one psychopaths are apathetic, I’m not.’ I argued.

 ‘And look she’s denying it! We all know psychopaths deny that they are one,’ Chinho added.

 ‘I’m not a psychopath! I have guilt issues! I feel guilty easily! Psychopaths don’t feel guilt,’ I interjected trying desperately to get my point across. They don’t understand what it means and they’re not letting me explain it! I looked over at Chanyeol who was laughing, not seeming to care about their ignorance, they didn’t want to know what it meant, they wanted to remain ignorant to the truth and he was letting them.

 ‘Oh come on, all you ever talk about is death and killing. I heard that whenever you make debates for ethics class it always has to do with death, or course a psychopath is obsessed with death.’

 ‘Not every psychopath is a killer, that is a terrible stigma! Psychopaths that kill are in the minority, more people that are classified as sane murder people than people classified as psychopaths.’ I frowned as they started laughing, they don’t respect me, they don’t care what I say. They never care, why do people always ignore me, I just want to be listened to and heard, I want people to understand, to not be so closed minded and stupid. Only an idiot ignores the truth laid before them.

 ‘Be careful, she’s getting angry, the psychopath might snap,’ Gayun giggled and I clenched my jaw. I could feel anger flood through my body freezing my body as it burned cold through my veins. Just because someone has a mental condition doesn’t make them a killer.

 ‘I am not a psychopath!’ I snapped, I hadn’t realised I had my ruler in my hand until I had slammed it into the table. I breathed out as I stared at the ruler in my hand.

 ‘Oh my God she broke the ruler!’ Chinho shrieked as she stared at it.

 ‘Everyone’s staring at us,’ Gayun whispered before she took the ruler from me as she looked around the cafe cautiously. ‘Come on, you don’t need this Jaehwa,’ she cooed patronizingly as if she was talking to a child.

 ‘Gayun, stop,’ I breathed out speaking calmly as she shook her head.

 ‘You shouldn’t have the ruler right now Jaehwa,’ she shook her finger, tsking, acting like I was a child. She put my ruler into her purse, ‘who knows what you might do.’ I stared at her in disbelief before I scanned the room, everyone was looking. I walked away from the table dazed, walking to the back of the cafe I sat down in a secluded table. I looked at my hands, seeing them blur as tears threatened to fall. I had just resorted to physical violence, just like my father. I’m just like him, what if I had hit them? I knew I would never ever hurt anyone, it was completely against me, when I get angry I tend to yell, but never have I ever hit anyone because I was angry. I could never, but….after what I just did I could feel fear flood my sense, leaving my body shaking. It just started with father throwing stuff around when he got angry too, the tv remote, a book, the gamecube controller, then he eventually started slapping me. How long would it take for me to start smacking my friends around to?

 ‘Jaehwa?’ I stared into the table, not looking up to acknowledge Chanyeol. ‘Are you okay?’

 ‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I just, I’m impulsive,’ I laughed as I waved my hand. ‘I still can’t believe I did that, I mean my ruler done with, split through the middle. It’ll probably completely split in half if someone taps it,’ I joked as I clutched my knees. I had felt it, the ruler breaking, how it cracked, warping if I clutched it too hard. I had done it…..in public nonetheless.

 ‘Jaehwa,’ I could see him sit down beside me out of the corner of my eye, I really shouldn’t have chosen a bench seat. ‘What are you thinking about?’ I’m thinking about how my father has been out of the house for five years and has gone back to his old self. I’m thinking about how stressed I am, that I have a possibility to become like him, abusive, sporadic, and close minded. I’m thinking about how badly I just want someone to understand how I think, to think I’m smart, how I just want someone trustworthy.

 ‘I’m stressed,’ I finally spoke out. ‘I’m just scared that I won’t do well, I’m not good at math, and I feel like I’m not contributing anything to school. I feel hopeless, like I won’t get into University, that I won’t be smart enough.’ I wasn’t completely lying, I was worried about all of this, it just wasn’t my prevalent thought. ‘I’m sorry, that’s no reason to snap.’

 ‘You’ll do fine, I did read through your annotations they were very good. There is no reason for you to be so worried.’ He spoke softly, I lifted my head as I heard Chinho’s loud laugh.

 ‘I can’t believe she did that,’ Chinho hissed, obviously trying to whisper so I couldn’t hear but she was too excited to be quiet. ‘I mean, she could have killed me!’ I felt as if a hand ripped through my body and dug it’s nails into my heart as Gayun started laughing, agreeing.

 ‘I could never kill anyone,’ I whispered as I looked at the table.

 ‘I know,’ Chanyeol spoke up. No you don’t know, you don’t know, you don’t understand, I thought bitterly. ‘Then help me understand,’ he whispered into my ear as he put his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer. His nose was lightly pressed into the side of my head as he remained close.

 ‘It’s just, my dad’s narcissistic, because of this things led to another and he got kicked out of the house, it’s been five years. And well mental disorders are a soft subject to me because of that,’ I answered still not telling everything. Most people would think that was it, I felt his hot breath tickle my ear sending shivers down my spine as he sighed, I knew he understood that I wasn’t telling him much. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered as I felt tears fall down my cheeks, I couldn’t hold it in, I was embarrassing myself in front of him, again.

 ‘It’s not embarrassing to cry, it’s good.’ I stiffened as his thumb lightly pressed into my shoulder, rubbing circles.

 ‘Crying is the only time my eyes look nice,’ I whispered, my inner mantra coming out. I felt a small emotionless smile tug at my lips as he chuckled.

 ‘Really? I think they look nice all the time,’ I let him tilt my face, I should have expected him to be close because he was leaning his head against my scalp but I didn’t clue in until I saw his warm brown orbs staring into mine. ‘They look more electric,’ he whispered, I could feel my cheeks heat up as I looked back at the table.

 ‘Yeah,’ I mumbled.

 ‘They looked like that Saturday,’ I gulped as my gaze dropped down to my fingers I was fiddling with.

 ‘Really?’ I could hear him sighing, as his fingers lightly traced my shoulder