“Puhahahaha! What kind of message is this Andy?” Dongwan guffawed while walking out of his room, holding on to Choong Jae’s notebook. The older boy had no idea how every echo of his laughter was opening a brand new wound in Choong Jae’s heart.

The rest of the boys jumped up from the couch and crowd around Dongwan, curious about what Andy had written that would cause such a reaction. Only Andy and Choong Jae remained seated on the couch. Even with almost two meters distant between them, Choong Jae could sense Andy tensed up. Choong Jae was not sure if it was because the boys were laughing at what he wrote or because they were the only two on the couch. It did not matter either way. The fact was that Andy had ripped his heart out by asking him to love someone else.

“Are you for real Andy?” Hyesung asked in an amused tone. “What was going through your mind when you wrote that?”

Minwoo spoke between laughter, “I think Andy will ask Hyesung to get married and be a dad with the speed of a comet!” His comment brought a fresh wave of laughter from the boys.

Why? Why did this hurt so much? Choong Jae bit his lips again, trying to prevent tears from escaping.

“Junjin-ah, what did you wrote for Andy?” Dongwan asked, using the name Andy had used in the message on purpose. And that did it. The tears made its way out of Choong Jae’s eyes. He stood up immediately and strode to his room, bolting the door shut. He did not care when the members knocked, not even when it was Minwoo who was sharing the room with him.

He let himself cried silently, something which he was already so used to. 18 years. He had been looking for him for 18 freaking years! And this was what he got.

Choong Jae skipped practice the following day. He had locked Minwoo out of the room the entire night and the older boy had most likely bunked into another member’s room.

“Jin-ah, are you alright? Do you want some milk and scramble egg?” Eric knocked on the door and asked when it was morning.

Choong Jae ignored him. The knocks continue for a while before the members decided to let him be. Choong Jae made sure the members had left for practice before finally letting himself out of the room. He found some toast with eggs on the kitchen table and a note beside it.

“Choong Jae, the milk is in the refrigerator. There are some ramen in the cupboard if you are hungry during lunch. Don’t worry, we have told the manager that you fell sick and won’t be able to make it for practice today. Rest well! – Hyesung”

2 months later

“Take Five.” The managers finally granted them a break after the members practiced non-stop for eight hours that day.  Choong Jae collapsed onto the floor, exhausted. But this was a necessary evil for him. Part of the reason was that they were about to debut, and the other part (a larger part) was that he desperately needed something to distract himself.

It did not take a genius to tell the tension between the two maknaes. It became obvious to everyone with Choong Jae’s change in behaviour. He had not given up. He could not and he would not give up on Andy! But Andy had hurt him so much with the message in the diary and the invisible wall Andy had built around himself that Choong Jae was afraid to go near the younger boy. He could not withstand the pain of receiving another blow from Andy. He thought he might die from it.

Eric and Minwoo had attempted to repair their broken relationship. But both he and Andy had insisted there was nothing to resolve and things were okay between them. Overtime, the rest of the members had come to accept their relationship. As long as there were no fights, no quarrels and no threats to Shinhwa, the other members were willing to let them be, at least for the time being.

Choong Jae took out his water bottle and gulped down the content. He resisted his urge to check on Andy, telling himself that Eric would do it. Eric would take care of Andy and he need not worry. But his heart ached immensely when hearing the chit-chat of the two members. Why was he not born as Eric?

It hurt. His heart which was being ripped out unexpectedly months ago was never healed. His wound was still bleeding profusely and Choong Jae suspected it would remain that way for long. The only person who could heal him was in refusal.

He felt thankful when the manager came back and forced them to dance for another few hours. Physical pain was nothing in comparison. He needed to be completely drained to have dreamless night.

The intensive training continued until they finally debuted. During the time, even the usually bubbly Minwoo fell asleep immediately when they were back in the dorm. Hyesung had also thrown aside his usual shyness and bathe with them in order to steal more sleep. Everyone was looking forward to 24 March except for Choong Jae. How will he cope when the training subside? Would he be ready to finally face Andy?

The date came sooner than Choong Jae expected. And what really startled him was that his hyungs had shifted their attention back to his relationship with Andy. Shinhwa was shifting to a new dorm and Choong Jae would be sharing the same room with Minwoo… and Andy!

Choong Jae hugged his knees close to his body as he sat in a corner of his new room, hidden by all the mess.

The door knob twisted and Andy came in with his belongings. Choong Jae’s eyes followed the younger boy. Andy had not notice Choong Jae. He went to a corner of the room, placed his belongings down and started tidying the place. Choong Jae smiled as his eyes took in his soul mate. Andy’s slim frame, his single eyelid, his nose and cute cherry lips. This was the first time he was able to observe his soul mate in this manner.

His eyes greedily took in more of Andy, every details of him. The way he looked for a cloth to wipe the place; the way he unpack his belongings and placed them in the cupboard; how he arranged the furniture…

Choong Jae was so lost in the moment that he realized too late when Andy moved the cabinet that was hiding him from Andy’s view. He saw Andy startled, and for the first time since they met, the soul mates were alone…