Thank you for the upvote Phoenix_Soar and OrangeBlue09 T.T I'm seriously happy and touch!!!

Andy had a few happy months with Xiumin, but it wasn’t love. It was just a mirage of his past life; a fantasy he was together with his soul mate. But it wasn’t really his soul mate. Diametrically from what Hyesung said, his feeling for his real soul mate intensified. It was excruciating and agonizing; the desire to be with the real Choong Jae, the guilt that gnawed at him, the void that formed in his heart when Choong Jae pitted against him and shunned him altogether.

Andy knew he had to break up with Xiumin. Their relationship was forbidden by the soul mate law. But his relationship with Choong Jae was also forbidden in most people’s eyes. Soulmate’s fate was always crystal clear to anyone bound by it, but one tiny mistake had brought Andy and Choong Jae immense uncertainty and suffering.

Andy finally broke up with Xiumin. But Choong Jae remained aloof and distant from him. Even his hyungs had given up mending their relationship.

Just how stupid could he be? Why did he had to mess everything up thinking that dating someone else was the only way to keep him from crossing the friendship line with Choong Jae? Why did he choose an action that hurt everyone? Hadn’t Eric hyung already warned him?

The clear liquid that escaped his eyes fell on to Choong Jae’s photo which Andy held in his hand. He closed his lids as the image of a smiling Choong Jae appeared in his mind. The smile that reminded him of the first drop of sun ray that entered and lit up his entire world. But that was the only way he could see Choong Jae’s smile again; because the real Choong Jae had lost his smile for Andy.

Andy’s mobile phone rang. He wiped away his tears and answered the call.

“Is that Andy?”

“Noona?!” Andy sat upright, surprised that his sister was calling him at this time (AN: time zone difference). Did something happen back home?

“Andy-ah! I need you to come back to America as soon as possible. Oma is very sick.” His sister was crying. Andy felt a cold wave travelling and spreading across his body.

“Noona, how is oma now?” Andy prepared himself for the worst. He knew his mother’s health had not been good.

“She was admitted to hospital yesterday night. The doctor asked me to…to prepare for…for the worst…” his sister stammered.

“Don’t worry noona, oma will be alright. Stay by her side. Wait for me!” Andy stood up hurriedly, grabbed his jacket and rushed out. He reassured and comforted his sister along the way to Lee Soo Man’s office. When they finally hung up, Andy broke down. He squatted by a random building along the pavement and bawl like a baby.

***

Lee Soo Man had granted him permission to go back to American as long as he promised he would return to Shinhwa and SM Entertainment. Andy walked along the busy street. He had withdrawn all his saving and was on the way back to the dorm. It was not just his mother’s health, the hospital bill was mounting and Andy had to find a way to pay off the debt. The smiling and carefree faces of the students that walked pass him made him felt more alone than ever. There was no one he could share his problems with. Shinhwa had really just started reaping the sow of their hard work; he could not drag the group down with him.

The memories of when his idol journey started returned to his mind; he saw the time Eric hyung approached his parents and promised he would accompany Andy to Korea; he saw Eric hyung pitted himself against the managers numerous times just to defend Andy. The memories of when Choong Jae first joined the dorm, how his hyungs pushed Choong Jae into the shower with them; how Choong Jae had held the manager’s hand to stop him from hitting Andy flashed in his mind.  How Minwoo looked out for him and gave him life advices; how Dongwan took care of and cooked for him when he was sick; how Hyesung always tried to protect him and cheer him up, all these memories came back to him. And now, he had to leave the five men.

When will he be reunited with them? Will his mum’s health improve? How was he going to pay off the bills? Who will take care of Choong Jae on his behalf? Who will try to sooth the sadness and burdens hidden within his soul mate? What should Andy do? What can he do?

Andy’s feet led him to another familiar building instead of the dorm. He raised his head; Choong Jae should be inside. This was where Choong Jae spent majority of his time to avoid Andy after practice. Andy entered the building and walked to their practice room. He took a deep breath and twisted the knob.

Choong Jae turned, their eyes met. “Andy, are you alright?” Choong Jae asked in a worried tone. Andy’s heart clenched.

He still cares… despite how he had been avoiding Andy, he still cares!

“Did something happen, Andy?” Dongwan questioned.

Andy turned to Dongwan, “Hyung, can I borrow Jin for a minute?” He saw Dongwan was reluctant and Andy could feel his sturdy façade threatening to break. He pleaded Dongwan with his eyes.

Please…please just let him be with Junjin alone. He did not know what he wanted, but he just wanted to be with him at this moment. He knew his time in Korea was limited and there was no certainty when he would be back.

“Okay. I’ll be outside if you boys need me.” Dongwan said finally.

“You finally talked to me…” Choong Jae’s soft voice was quivering, “again…”

Andy turned over. Choong Jae’s body was trembling like his voice, and his expression was heart-wrenching.

“Junjin, you were the one that avoided me.” Andy said abashed, knowing that Choong Jae only did that because he dated Xiumin. He advanced towards Choong Jae, wanting to hold him, but Choong Jae backed away, making Andy appalled. Everything in his life had really started crumbling…

“Why?” Choong Jae asked. “Why did you date her?”

“I like her.” Andy replied, looking straight at Choong Jae. He did not want to lie to his soul mate.

“Then why did you break up?”

It affected Choong Jae more than he thought it would. Andy knew he had to be frank about everything now. He was about to lose Shinhwa; he might lose his mum; he was afraid he was going to lose Choong Jae too. If that happened, there would be no place for him in this lonely cruel world. No place where he would belong. “I couldn’t love her.”

"But you let them think she was your soul mate." Choong Jae said, his eyes getting red. The shrill pain in Andy was unbearable…it was tormenting. Choong Jae had no idea it was because Xiumin looked like his past life.

“I’m sorry.”

“What sickening torment have you thought about this time?” Choong Jae suddenly snapped. Andy gaped at him, horrified by what Choong Jae had said. “How have you decided to torture me again? Are you going to acknowledge my existence for today and avoid me for another year? Are you here to announce you are seeing someone new and ask for my blessing?”

This was how Choong Jae felt all along? That he was torturing him? Just how much had he hurt Choong Jae with his own fear and selfishness? He never knew. Choong Jae had done so much for him, but all he had given his soul mate was hurt, agony and pain…

He needed one last chance, one last attempt to remove the pain within Choong Jae before he leave.

“Junjin…I’m sorry. It was never my motive to hurt you, I swear…” Andy plunged forward and clasped Choong Jae. But once their physically distant reduced to zero, Andy felt his strong façade shedding. All his burdens crashed down on him. He felt Choong Jae embraced him.

“I…my mum…” Andy was surprised by what escaped his mouth, but maybe he could let Choong Jae know? Maybe what he needed was just Choong Jae saying he will wait for his return? Maybe that was all the motivation he needed to find strength?

“Andy, what happen?”

Only sob escaped when he tried to answer. He initially wanted to comfort Choong Jae, yet it was Choong Jae that was comforting him now.

“What happened?” Choong Jae asked apprehensively.

Andy took a deep breath and exhaled on Choong Jae’s neck, trying to compose himself. He let go of Choong Jae so he could look into his soul mate’s eyes.

“Junjin…I need to leave Shinhwa, and I want you to be the first to know…” Andy sniffed again and his lips before continuing, “Junjin, my mum…” But before he could complete his sentence, Choong Jae unexpectedly pushed him away.

“Lee Sun Ho, why are you doing this to me again?”

Andy widened his eyes, aghast. What did Choong Jae meant?

“You are always doing this to me, giving me false hope and then taking everything away from me. And when I thought all was lost, you will repeat the cycle, giving me hope and then push me further into the bottomless pit. Just when are you going to stop tormenting me?” Choong Jae’s knees gave way and he fell to the floor.

“Junjin!” Andy wanted to hold him but Choong Jae smacked his hands away.

“Why can’t you just shorten the process? Ripped my heart out once and for all?”

I only wanted you to be happy. I swear…why did you think that way?

“Give me the death sentence Andy. Just tell me Andy Lee, tell me in my face what you really wanted. Repeat what you had said in your previous life.”

That was not what I wanted. It had hurt me too…

“Tell me you want to stop being my soul mate. Tell me to get the freak out of your life.”

I only wanted to keep you in my life. All I did was only so I could keep you in my life…

“Andy Lee Sun Ho, just tell me in my face and I will grant you your wish.”

A void took over where Andy’s heart was. Wasn’t the meaning of “Junjin” Choong Jae would never give up on him? Was he losing Choong Jae? So all along the sadness and panic he saw in Choong Jae’s eyes was actually due to him. Why hadn’t he known before? Andy did not know what and how he should be feeling. But he knew he deserved everything. He deserved to lose Shinhwa; he deserved to lose Choong Jae; he deserved everything that was happening to him.

He summoned his last ounce of mental strength to calm his voice, even though his world was no longer recognisable. “Sorry Choong Jae. I had no idea how much I was hurting you…I will not do it again. I will leave Shinhwa and return you your freedom. Please take care of yourself.”

He had switched from “Junjin” back to “Choong Jae”. “Never give up” was a lie. The real meaning was still to let Choong Jae fly without him. Choong Jae deserved to be happy, and Andy deserved all the agonies. But it was still too painful for Andy to use that name again.

Choong Jae was still sorrowing. Andy did not bother to stop his own tears. He let them fell to the ground as he backed away and leaved the room.

Dongwan was was startled by Andy’s appearance when the maknae appeared. “Andy, what happened? Why are you crying?”

“Hyung…I did something bad to Choong Jae. Please help me take care of him.” Andy swallowed, and then he pulled Dongwan into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything hyung. Please take care of Choong Jae. I’d be really grateful to you.”

“What are you talking about? Andy what happen?” Dongwan asked dumbfounded by Andy’s bizarre action and words.

Andy just shook his head and walked out of the building. He did not go home. He went to see Lee Soo Man and bought the midnight flight to America. He had to keep his promise and return Choong Jae his freedom. He knew he did not have any rights to see him again.

Sorry Choong Jae. Please be happy. Stop keeping everything to yourself. The hyungs will be there for you. Sorry Eric hyung, I really wanted a proper goodbye with you, but I can’t return to the dorm. I would miss you dearly. Sorry Minwoo, Dongwan and Hyesung hyungs. Please make Shinhwa a success even if there are only five members left. I would not be coming back to you guys. Please take care without me.

Back to Junjin next chapter!!!  Any guess which part of Shin history is going to appear next??