Andy stood in a discreet corner where no person would purposefully cast a second glance. Unless someone deliberately looked over, his forlorn figure will never be noticed. The young man had no desire to interact with the people around. He had been living in the shadows, unseen, unheard of, and not leaving any marks of his presence. But this day, he needed to watch the broadcast, and television was a luxury he could not afford for his place.

Underneath the cap and the long hair, Andy’s piercing eyes fixed themselves on the five men in the television. His heart was weighed down by several emotions. The last time he met the five men was months ago. He was currently in Korea (after spending 2 months in America), and had been roaming around for about a month. But no matter how much his heart craved for them, he could not return to Shinhwa. He did not want to burden his brothers……and he had promised Choong Jae his freedom.

The camera panned down on the tall man rapping in English. Tears uncontrollably welled up in Andy’s eyes. He looked sentimentally at the man who had once protected him with everything he got.

“Eric hyung, do you blame me for leaving you without bidding farewell?” Andy asked silently in his mind. The leader would be a lifelong regret Andy can never get over with. He was unlike the other hyung. Andy loves all of them, but Eric was special. Andy could never repay the older man.

The camera shifted its focus and a tall, lean man with shoulder length hair came on screen. The sudden searing pain caused Andy to bend forward slightly as his hand flew to his chest area.

Choong Jae…

His manliness gained him the admiration of several ladies and the envy of several men, but Andy sees right through the tough exterior and directly at the vulnerable soul. Choong Jae was like another kind of pain crashing onto him; pulling him deep into a bottomless pit of agony.

He longed for the man, yet he feared consequences…

He is concern for his well-being, and he wished for his happiness…

So he disregarded his own and promised Choong Jae’s freedom.

Andy drifted into a stupor; his emotions holding him captive. He only realised the time when he was the last few left in the venue. Andy said a quiet prayer for Choong Jae and his other hyungs before turning over and stealthily exited the place.

The prayer became his daily routine since leaving Shinhwa.

Andy trudged along the quiet street back to his goshiwon. He felt his ways up the stairs and unlocked the door to his tiny room. The light flickered a few times before coming to life. In spite of the tiny interior, the room was at its best state with its current occupant. Andy shut the door and his hand reached for the hospital bill he had carelessly thrown on the small stool earlier when rushing to catch Shinhwa’s performance. Sitting himself down on the mattress, the young man unfolded the bill. A colossal number at the bottom of the page stare at him.

“YAH!” Andy let out a sudden frustrated yell. He crumpled the bill and threw it against the wall. As if mocking him, the paper ball bounced off and rolled back, stopping right at his feet.

Twenty is an age where one should be enjoying life with friends; where adults are still there to shield you and the only worries should be the petty things in life. But Andy’s life was different. He hadn’t had the slightest idea how he should move on with the pathetic life of his. He could only watch as his mother suffered in illness. After years of working, his savings could barely cover the hospital bills. Even looking for ad-hoc jobs was difficult as his departure from Shinhwa was not official. And there was his soulmate fate. Will everything really end with him and Choong Jae? The timeless bond and hundreds of lifetime spent together?

Andy lifted his hand and wiped away the tears. He had to be strong in this predicament. For his mother, and for his family. Gnawing on his chapped lips, the man bent down to retrieve the bill. The pounding in his head was getting worse and he could not ignore it further. Arduously pushing himself up, the sick man staggered to the nearest 24 hours convenient store without company.

The man cursed silently realizing that he had left his cap in the goshiwon. The excruciating pain in his head and his fatigue due to the many sleepless nights were taking a toll on his memory. Andy combed his long hair to the front with his fingers, hiding his features.

The bell chimed and the young cashier greeted Andy when he just stepped into the store. He quickly grabbed some aspirins from the shelf wanting to leave as soon as possible, but something made he frozen to the spot. The convex mirror hanging from the ceiling was meant to prevent theft, but it did an equally great job capturing Andy’s reflection. The once idol let out a bitter laugh. He was wasting effort trying to hide his identity. Even without the cap and the hair blocking his features, he was sure no one could recognize him. His facial hair had grown to the extent that if not for his cleanliness, he would easily be mistaken as a homeless man living in the street.

“Yes I managed to catch the show before I came out. Shinhwa is so handsome! Especially Minwoo oppa! Give me a minute, there is a customer.” The young female cashier pulled her phone away and asked Andy with a polite smile, “May I help you?”

Andy gulped. A Shinhwa Changjo. He lowered his head, made his way over and placed the aspirins and some cash on the counter. After the cashier printed the receipt, Andy quickly headed for the exit.

“Wait a moment…”

Andy halted his stride as the rapid beating of his heart resonated in his ears. Did she manage to recognize him?

“The soju is on promotion. Do you want to grab some before heading off?” The cashier asked.

Andy remained on the spot, ruminating over what he should do. Then he turned back and grabbed the soju. Might as well…it might help him with his insomnia.

The last thing he heard when stepping out of the store was the cashier whispering to her friend how Andy was a weird man. It was a lie to say he was not hurt by it...

***

For weeks, Andy drowned himself in soju and aspirins. His troubles were so haunting that the alcohol and aspirins had almost no effect. The migraine never went away, and the insomnia stayed. His skull had been threatening to split for days and he could not even sleep for a full thirty minutes without waking up a least once.

The young man popped another two pills into his mouth and downed them with an entire bottle of soju. He was mildly aware that this was over the daily dose limit. The empty bottle gave off a clear clank when it was carelessly placed with the other dozens of soju bottles by the side of the bed.  Andy lay down, arms covering his eyes to block out the afternoon sun. It did not matter to him it was mid-day. It would not matter to anyone who hadn’t sleep for days.

“Andy, stop running.”

Andy turned to the owner of the voice and froze. “Choong…Choong Jae…”

Choong Jae took two big strides over and pulled Andy into a hug, his strong arms pressing Andy head to where his heart was; the melody of his heartbeat singing to Andy about Choong Jae’s longing for his soul mate. Andy lifted his arms and wrapped them around the older man.

“Andy, let’s elope.” Choong Jae whispered.

“What?” The younger man pulled away, shocked. He raised his head to Choong Jae’s face.

“Andy, stop caring about what other people think. Just leave with me; to somewhere no one will recognize us. I want to be with you…”

***

The two men ran and ran. The long and dim road seemed never ending; the tall flanks of trees by the side as daunting as the pack of shadowy figures they were trying to get away from. Andy could not make out who were his pursuers. His heatbeat was fast and his breath short. He held Choong Jae’s hand tightly, not stopping the motion of his legs. The couple found an abandon shed and hurriedly went in, bolting the door shut.

“Will they find us?” Andy asked.

Choong Jae shook his head. “I don’t know.” He leaned over and let Andy rest on his shoulders. The shed provided them with an illusion of safety, but very soon, reality strike and the sound of their pursuers’ footsteps can be heard. It grew nearer and louder…

The door rattled…

“Open up!” The harsh voice shouted. Some banging on the door.

“Choong Jae…” Andy entwined his fingers with his soul mate, frantically looking around for another exit or somewhere to hide. He needed to get Choong Jae to safety…

Then he spotted the trap door. Andy forced Choong Jae to get inside before shutting it and desperately pulling hay over to cover it.

The door burst open…

As long as his soul mate was safe...

 “Sun Ho!” Someone was shaking him with a trace of urgency, but it was not hard because the person was lacking strength. Andy groggily opened his eyes; it was his grandmother. She was crying.

“Halmeoni, is he alright?” It was the voice in his dream. Andy raised his head and saw a few men standing near the door which had been broken open with brute force. His grandmother’s voice was trembling. “Sun Ho-ah, why did you try to kill yourself?”

“Halmeoni…I…”

“Isn’t he Andy? The one that was kicked out of Shinhwa?” One of the men asked.