I am back!!! After disappering for such a long time to fulfil my mafia duties >.< I wanted to spend more time amending this chapter but I really wanted to post this asap too. In the end my urge to post won.

Choong Jae’s eyelashes fluttered as his conscious slowly returned. His mind was still blank in confusion, but the misery in his heart was hurting him physically. He felt his palms stinging and his whole body aching. Choong Jae pushed himself up strenuously as memories slowly, and painfully crept back into his mind.

He had pushed Andy away when his soul mate sought out to him. He did that even when he had vowed to protect the younger man. Choong Jae was now confused. Why did Andy come to him instead of Eric when he needed someone? And why did Hyesung say Andy was patient with him? What did he not see and what did he not understand? Andy told him he was straight. Andy hurt him numerous times in numerous ways. And he even dated Xiumin! But…something was amiss. Choong Jae raised his left hand to press against his throbbing forehead. It was as if he was missing out something…something very important.

Andy remembered. Maybe like him, his soul mate had remembered their past lives since the start of this lifetime. Was Andy startled like Choong Jae after realising his soul mate was in the same gender group? Choong Jae could still vividly recall his shock the first day he saw Andy in the dorm. But he accepted that fact almost immediately. Couldn’t Andy do the same for him? But…what if this was Andy’s plan to stop their soulmate cycle? What if it was Andy who chose to be born in the wrong gender this lifetime? But Hyesung had suggested everyone knew the younger man was hurting…

Choong Jae’s head started pounding from all the thinking and trying to figure out what happened. He placed both his hands on his temples and his fingers clutched his head. He shut his eyes tightly. The many thoughts slowly dissolved and cleared from his mind, all except for one which had been quiet and was hidden beneath all his other thoughts earlier.

Choong Jae’s eyes shot open in realization. He was rushing things. He expected Andy to return his feelings and accept him immediately, but the younger man could not meet his demand. Andy had avoided him, asked him to move on; tried telling him he was straight, but he had never think in the younger man’s perspective. That was why he was hurting…and that was why he hyungs noticed that Andy was hurting too…

Choong Jae got out of bed and stumbled out of the room. His hyungs’s faces were all adorned with grave expression. Eric’s paleness terrified Choong Jae. The leader looked as if blood was completely drained from him and he needed to be in a hospital. Hyesung was holding onto the leader’s palm, a worried hue behind his irises.

“It’s no use. The hospitals would not share information about their patients.” Dongwan said to the rest dejectedly as he clicked his mobile phone, hanging up the call.

“Same here. We can’t find Andy’s whereabouts through the hospitals.” Minwoo hung up and looked at Eric with sad eyes. The leader’s lips began quivering. Eric turned over and faced Choong Jae, his eyes reflecting the helplessness and pain deep within him. A sense of guilt hit Choong Jae.

“Jin, you were the last one Andy looked for. Dongwan just happened to be there. Please tell me…what did Andy tell you, why did he leave us?” Eric stood up, the slight trembling extended from his lips to his entire body. He pulled his hand from Hyesung’s and slowly advanced towards Choong Jae. “Why did the article said he attempted suicide? Please tell me what happen to my Andy…” Eric dropped to his knees in front of Choong Jae as the tears started pouring out of his eyes.  “Please…” he begged Choong Jae.

“Eric, don’t do this!” his other hyungs rushed over to pull the leader up.

Choong Jae noticed the “my” Eric had added before saying Andy’s name. A tiny part of him was angry and protesting. Andy belonged to him, not anyone else. But another part of him was whispering for him to let go. He had hurt Andy enough. Andy was straight. But if he was not, Eric would still be a better candidate for his soul mate compared to him. Eric had never hurt Andy, unlike him. Everything Eric did was for Andy, but Choong Jae on the other hand, was selfish.

Choong Jae replied the leader in a painful voice, “Hyung, Andy tried to tell me something about his mum, but…but I did not listen to him.” Choong Jae was hurting from reciting the whole incident, but he had to let Eric know. “I thought he was leaving Shinhwa to punish me… I was too blinded by my own feelings to listen to him and I…I pushed him away…before he could say anything.”

The change in atmosphere was insolent. Choong Jae saw astonishment taking over Minwoo’s, Hyesung’s and Dongwan’s faces. The apparent question in their minds was the same as Choong Jae’s. Why did Andy go to him instead of Eric? Even if it was something Andy cannot share with Eric, Choong Jae was the last person they would expect Andy to go to.

Eric’s mind must be too emphasized on Andy to see the strangeness with the whole setup. He did not show any signs of surprise or betrayal that Andy went to Choong Jae instead of him. He simply blinked and repeated “his mum…” a few times.

Then Eric said to him, “Auntie’s health hadn’t been good for a long time. Andy must have gone back to take care of her. Jin, we need to speed things up. I want Andy to know we are all here for him and he shouldn’t carry all his burdens alone!”

***

“When talking about Shinhwa, we can’t leave this person out.” The host said. Choong Jae raised his microphone but stopped when he saw Dongwan doing the same.

“Yeah.” Dongwan turned around and made a circular gesture with his hand towards the space beside Eric. “There’s always an empty space here.”

“Every time we see Shinhwa as five, we will really miss him…” the host continued.

Choong Jae felt a sting in his nose and quickly raised his hand to wipe away the wetness that escaped his eyes.

“…so let’s invite Shinhwa to leave a video message for Andy. Many people are curious when we will be able to see Andy back on stage with you again, so let us answer their curiosity.”

Choong Jae stared into the space in front of him as he tried to ignore the tiny voice in his mind that kept repeating Andy will never return. He lowered his head when Dongwan finally answered the question that none of them have an answer to.

“There is no official answer to when will we stand together again. We have spoken to the Company about it and we plan to get back together during winter. If this drags, he will find it difficult to recover his working pace. We are worried too. Many people thought there are only 5 in Shinhwa, so we have to reunite with Andy quickly! Although things are complicated now, because it is not due to personal problem but related to the law (the members had agreed to stick to the visa story so Andy would not worry about them)…” Dongwan paused, turning to the camera, “I am not saying that Andy had committed a crime…” He turned back to the host and continued, “so we can’t tell exactly when.”

The host nodded, “let us look forward to Andy’s return and Shinhwa being six on stage again. Let us also invite a representative from the five of you to leave a video message for Andy. Who will say it?”

Choong Jae immediately lifted his microphone, “I will do it with Dongwan hyung.” He knew that Dongwan was regretful towards Andy like him for not being able to prevent the younger man from leaving that night. In addition, Dongwan felt especially worse after learning that Andy left because his mother fell sick. During their pre-debut days, Andy was the one that took care of Dongwan’s grandmother when she was sick but Dongwan was too busy to return home.

“Together?” the host asked.

“Fighting.” Dongwan said to Choong Jae and Hyesung followed. Choong Jae knew that s thought it was guilt that affected him after learning about the events between him and Andy on the day the younger man left them. No one knew his wound run much deeper.

“Andy ya…er…” Choong Jae tried to organize his thoughts, but all the moments he had missed Andy kept coming and flooding his mind, and all he could think of was Hyesung telling him to work hard for Andy to return to a better Shinhwa.

“When we are rushing for our schedule, when we are chatting in the car, but we can’t hear your voice…Occasionally when we listen to our favourite music, we will miss you. But because of our schedule, we can’t contact regularly. I am really sorry about this. It hurts my heart when we avoided talking about you in our conversation. No matter what, this does not mean we are separating. There will be a day when we will meet again, so work hard! We’ll miss you and we will work even harder. Even though it is tiring, we’ll work harder. Lastly….”

 Choong Jae debated with himself if he should say that last important line.

He gave in to emotions.

“I want to tell you that I love you... Shinhwa is forever six; I hope we’ll be able to dance on stage as 6 again...”

Dongwan continued after Choong Jae, “Andy, firstly I want to say that I’m sorry. We should have taken more care of you. But because of the album and the people around us; because of many reasons, we can only work. So I’m really sorry. Even though now we can care about you, we hope that you will be able to return this winter and release an album together.”

Winter…Choong Jae wondered if they are wishing for too much? Will this message that Eric and him worked so hard to get really reach Andy? He suddenly regretted saying that he loved Andy, fearing it would deter Andy from returning. Then, Choong Jae felt a familiar tugging yearning in his heart, the same feeling he felt years ago when he went for audition in SM Entertainment…

Andy was near…

Another chapter based mainly on Shinhwa history xD

Link to the video message for Andy.

And the part about Andy taking care of Wannie's grandmother, it is true too. I don't have an Eng subbed of the video where the members mentioned it xD Found out recently even some Andy stan did not know about it so I decided to just add it in here =PPP Don't blame me, I am an Andy stan afterall so I need to promote my bias's hidden charm a little (although I think I am promoting Junjin a lot more).