Username: athlete

Story Title (Link): Reality Show Gone Wrong

Main Characters: Exo(12) and OC ~ Pairings: (Hunhan, Kray)

Genre(s): Thriller, Horror and Mystery

Current Length: 6+ (On going)

Rated? No

Reviewer: MaRwAaa

Title:

To tell you the truth, I've passed by your story before, and your title was really attractive that I remembered it as soon as I found it on the pending list in the shop. However, I always thought that it might be a fanfic about idols and their life(which I hate the most on fanfics), so I didn't even bother to look through it. The main point here, your title is just perfect for your story. It fits the plot very much. Yeah it is so simple for a horror and thriller fanfic, but still it's perfect. I like it!

Poster/Background:

Your poster fits the story plot, too. However, I think it needs some light. It is so much dark that it exhausts my eyes by looking at it. I firstly didn't like the moving ghost behind the characters because it showed the story so childish which is totally not true. I got used to it now, but still hope it was replaced by something more mature or frightening. 
The background fits the story, too. There is nothing to say about it more. It is dark black to show the dark genres of this story. That's fine of course.

Description and forward:

Your description was really typed carefully and accurately, and I like that. It described your story very well that I almost knew what I am going to read. It attracts readers as you used such statements>"the wolf pretending to be a rabbit". I actually like this... it makes me curious to know who, how and why is he/she doing that. However, I think there is another proverb that indicates the same meaning. I know that you are not an English native speaker, but still if you made some search on Google or any other website, you will get many better statements. Another statement I like in the descreption is this: "This time, the contestants didn't need to compete for money and fame, only their lives. " You really may not know how much I fell in LOVE with it. But I also have two points here. First, I think you have to put 'or' instead of 'and' on it. They need to compete for this or that, not both, I guess. Second, I still didn't get to the point where they have to compete for their lives in your story, but it is on going, so I think I still have to wait to reach to its apply on the story. Anyhow, I very much like the description, so you really did a great job in here^^
The forward wasn't less attractive than the description. It is really nice and it pushed me to directly read your story. Horror is one of my favourits if the story types, so I rushed to choose it and read it anyway, but your forward did a good job in making me more excited to read the story. I like it, too. 

 

Creativity/Originality:

To be honest, it's my first time reading a story about a reality show that gone wrong (lol), but I must have watched some horror movies which have a similar story. A group of people go on a journey, then things go wrong when an insane murderer appears in the scene. The horror on the forests far away from people is also something known. However, you created your own unique style in this topic of horror stories. It is really good, and I like it.

Plot:

I actually do not read or yuri stories at all, but I have discovered it later after deciding to review your story. As the story is still on going and has only six chapters I though it won't harm much to read it, and I am happy that there was not much of it on the chapters I reviewed. Anyway... the plot line is so far so good; the events are moving towards the in a smoothie way. I like it. The mysteries/ riddles you put out there are just amazing; I started to think of the right answer with the characters, and I think that this is really good; it involves the reader in the events, which I like the most. Yeah! Because you may not believe that I started to talk to myself and release some sounds like ''Wahhh'' ''Ohhh'' ''Mmmm'', and this means that I am really involved and excited while reading it.
 

However, I gotta tell you about some down sides or (let's say) weird points I found out there according to my p.o.v. First, why there was a picture for the Siamese twins out of a sudden. I think it was not nice at all; if you put something more relevant to the settings and the events, it would be much better. A picture of two similar things, a view of two things that are so close to each other as if they are one, or anything else that relevant would be perfect. But if this is a work of the murderer ( to let them reach the solution) then it is justified, and I won't say anything about it.
 

Another thing, how did one of the boys( Lay or D.O.; I don't remember) find a picture for Chanyoel sleeping on Google? Is there really something like this; I actually don't think I may find a pic for someone on Google unless he is the one who uploaded it on one of his social websites' accounts- which seems that he didn't as he hated it when the boy showed it for the others.
Another last thing, how would Lay play the guitar, sing, and take pictures of Kris who was only moonstruck that moment? I mean...I really didn't like that event. (If you have an explanation for this you can reveal it^^). The picture distracted my attention; you were really doing well in describing Kris's face with words, so don't let pictures do your job (which is WRITING!)
That's all for this section.

Spelling;Vocab and Grammar:

Although English is not your L1, your vocabs are great and so descriptive. I really liked the words you used here and there. Some of them left an impact that may never be conveyed by dozens of words, so you did a GREAT job here, too. This leads me to the use of swear and curse words; why are your characters using them in almost every mouthful of words. You used them very much that they lost their influence in their right places. Please try to figure out this point; don't let the readers draw back by reading repeated words that become really dull and even so annoying sometimes. Your grammar is very good and your errors are not that much annoying, and here are some of them:

Original: Things were thrown at each other and hurtful words were said. 

My words: Things were thrown and hurtful words were said. >> 'at each other' here is so wrong. How were things thrown at each other? 

 

O: I, on the other hand got tired of their arguments so I decided to do something.

MW: I, on the other hand, got tired of their arguments so I decided to do something.>> you just need another comma there after 'on the other hand'

 

O: Well, what if I tell you that your correct.

MW: Well, what if I tell you that you're correct/ or... Well, what if I tell you that you are correct.

 

O: "But the question is.. who?"

MW: "But the question is...who?" >> a third dot is needed here. We usually put three dots not two over here; don't forget that.

 

O: The blonde turned to leave the scene and went to observed the old buses.

MW: The blonde turned to leave the scene and went to observe the old buses.>> after the prep 'to', you need to put the base form of the verb >>> to observe.
 

O: "It smells like.. blood who had been washed by the rain."

MW: "It smells like...blood which had been washed by the rain.">> the blood is referred to with which not who.


O: Were here!

MW: We are here/ or... We're here!>>> be aware of such mistakes; I've seen them all the time while reading the story.


O: "Hey guys, where's Luhan?" Sehun asked, looking around the woods to see where the latter are.

MW: "Hey guys, where's Luhan?" Sehun asked, looking around the woods to see where the latter is.>>> it is singular... the latter is -not are.

Am ending it here for this section.

Characterization:

I have only one point here. The characters are too many. If you put six of them or seven, it would be much better. I believe that writing about a group doesn't force you to drag them all in. Some of the characters are really useless here, so I think that their existence is just wrong. It will be a hard work for you to cover their progress and development, unless you don't intend to. However, I like how your main characters develop; many writers ignore their characters development and growth, so you did well here.

 

Flow:

You are not going too slow nor too quick, so this is really good. However, in the beginning I felt bored, but once you put the mysterious things I got excited. Stick with that...put the mysteries on their right places and times to attract the readers to complete reading your story.

Writing Style:

I like it very much! It is so attractive and amazing. I am in love with the quotes you put in the beginning and the end of each chapter; you have done really well in adding them.
I actually didn't like what you've done in the beginning of the story by letting an unknown person speaking to the readers in an announcing way( if you got my point here). You are the narrator, so tell us about the event, don't confuse us with another narrator. I know that you want to leave a special effect, but I believe that you could do it in a better way.
I also liked how you typed some important words by using italic font, but you used it very much that it also lost its impact. Try to use it on its most important places only.

Done!

Extra Notes:

I loved your story that I read it all in one setting, you still have a long way to go, but I am sure you are going to complete it beautifully as you have already done. Just try to avoid some mistakes and errors here and there, and keep going on writing the way you do. Good luck! And I am really sorry if I seemed harsh in any point, I just wanted to explain my point of view. You can comment or ask me anything concerning this review and I will answer as soon as possible. 

THANKS A LOT... and KEEP GOING!