Username: sonwolforlife

Story Title (&link): Where have you gone?

Main Characters (+pairings): Baekhyun, Chanyeol (BaekYeol), EXO

Genre(s): Angst, , Anorexia (Trigger)

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 9 (ongoing)

Rated?: Rated, for trigger warning.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  4/5

On the hardcore, teacher-like reviewing side, I must say that a majority of titles should be capitalized as followed: Where Have You Gone?

But on my personal reviewer side... I've seen many titles like this - mainly on LJ (livejournal) and I never fret with them. They fit and they work. They give the story a different style and I never complained. So with that being said, I don't complain that your title has only one word capitalized. That's fine by me, but by the books, it should be. ^^

From the looks of the title, however, it seems to be that someone is missing or changed. Followed by the tags, I know that it relates to BaekYeol and one of them losing the other in a sense. I'll report back to this section after I finish the story.

AFTER:

Ir represents what you have written so far. And I think it fits excellently!

Poster/Background;  2/5

The poster isn't the best, of course, but the black and white theme fits with not only the background, but the mood of the story. The expressions on Chanyeol and Baekhyun's faces are gloomy and watchful. It brings light to the angst side I expect to see.

But after all the stuff I've seen and heard, people always recommend a better poster for stories because the posters are the "face" of the story and if it isn't good enough to draw attention, it won't let them scroll down farther. I think that's a bit stupid to say that, honestly, but many reviewers have said it over time, even me. I think the background in the poster is fine, but the characters need more of an outline and presentation in it, as well at the title being filled in more or having some definition where it isn't so broken (though that goes with the story quite well). ^^

Description & Foreword;  7/10

    I think that of course, someone coming in as either the hero or the late-hero is cliche, but I do like the idea of the story here. You tell of Baekhyun being warped by this mental disorder and how it has affected him so - and Chanyeol is the one to either save him or not. I think the part with Chanyeol could be a bit more deteailed or drawn in, because that's the part that is cliche for me and overused. Then again, it goes well with a small description, such as this.

    Even though I do adore the description, it could be written in a more detailed, cliffhanger sense. Like after describing what Baekhyun deals with; "Baekhyun is stuck to his compulsion for his eating disorder; he fails to realise the gravity of it all. [p] Will Chanyeol be able to catch him as the disorder sends him falling helplessly to Earth... or will he step in just as it's too late?"

   I don't know. You don't have to change a thing - mine is nothing better than yours. But I did correct the sentence from Baekhyun to "of it all". There needed to be a semi-colon, not a comma.

Foreword:
     Warning: good. So many people do warn others, but this is actually such a triggering and touchy topic in writing, so I'm glad you put this.

    Everything else in said foreword is fine, because it is credit and thanks. And the note of it being from personal experience... /hugs;

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  4/5

I am such a fan of triggering, rated, mature, etc., genres - especially on AFF. I like them because I like to see how people write about them. As a psychology freak, I just am that way. And from personal experience, I know that not every story is alike because we all deal with things differently. But in this case, reviewing, I have to watch and see if the triggers/warnings are written in a sense that they aren't harmful to potential readers, aren't being made fun of, etc. There's a lot to it with these stories. You expect angst, pain, even tragedy or death! Here, we see Baekhyun dealing with anorexia. And when you put "mental disorder" I was glad. Many don't see it as just that. 

One thing I love from this is the feeling you get. Chanyeol is a wreck, but holds himself. Baekhyun is in pieces, and he knows it, but he can't stop himself. And the fact we're using this as an AU/still-in-EXO type of story adds on to it. We have to have fans suspecting things, leaking news articles, Baekhyun disappearing and how it damages his career. There's a lot to write with said topics and that's a the brillianc

Plot;  10/20

  Anorexia-based characters are tough to portray nowadays because people usually have stereotypes formed in their heads and criticize everyone for their portrayal if it doesn't fit their own. For the plot bunching up around this guy - this anorexic guy - who is a part of a popular boy group... The idea isn't the most original, but it shows something so realistic... and in the eyes of a boy nonetheless!

  To have the readers watch this rollercoaster and sliceoflife story take on its form and wavelengths through your writing style is nice. I like to see where it goes, even if I'm missing details. I think I give you a lot of props for writing this subject this well and not just showing some typical guy who fronts around, frolicking and playing dress up all while feeling good from the illness. But on the negative aspect... Chanyeol's role is predictable and he beats around the bush. Although this can be someone in real life, I'd rather see Chanyeol either advoid it and go mad, or just straight up tell Baekhyun he knows and tries to get him help. Even if people are like that in real life, I think either option would help the story in this state. Having Chanyeol beat around the bush so much turns me off from the story. I guess that can add an element to the plotline, but I dislike it, I'm sorry to be so blunt.
 

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   14/15

Commas in areas such as this: "It's just... my friend he's dealing with a situation(...)" needs to be "It's just... my friend, he's dealing with a situation(...)" or "It's just... my friend... he's dealing with a situation(...)" Commas and those three crazy little periods can get you at any time. It's a lesson well-taught by my English teacher over the years. Some places a sentence may seem a bit like a run-on, but isn't, and may just need a comma or some other punctuation mark there. If you ever question that, ask a friend even. ^^

The grammar is good, but changing up some actions or adjectives could benefit your writing. Using a thesaurus online, or a dictionary, or anything for grammar, spelling, etc., is the best way to go - especially when writing a story for people to see. Synonyms will help give more ideas for descriptive and action words to use throughout stories. For instance, you can say "frantically whispering" or "shaking hesitantly" or mixtures of things or use "questioned" instead of "asked". It's really fun to play with words, and a thesaurus will help and make sure that any words on the mind aren't too formal for your story.

As for the spelling: you did quite well! /claps

Characterization;   12/15

Let's start with Baekhyun, since he is the main focus.
Byun Baekhyun is an EXO member with a life-threatening mental disorder known as anorexia (and another word i ahem forgot). Chanyeol, his trusty bestfriend, watches him through this ordeal. Baekhyun can't handle himself. He struggles and he's pathetic and sick and needs help. That is the right way for most suffering from this. And it's so sensitive of a plotline to use... but the way you have Baekhyun is A+ in my terms. He hides things, he faces the threats of this awful curse, and at least stops purging to save his voice. He's a precious puppy I want to hold and pet because in this... he is so pitiful and needs so much love and help to get through it all. I applaud your emotions in his character, truly!

Park Chanyeol. Oh, man, how he beats himself up over letting Baekhyun get sent to the hospital again. He is a devoted friend, a caring companion, and so much more. You can see the crush and lust in his mental notes, his struggle with that, and how he's ripping himself apart to try and save Baekhyun.
 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  5/5
Normal and not over-the-top. ^^

Flow;  7/10

It isn't so bad, but it needs that extra kick. You need more detail shoved in there. Lots and lots. This story is good, but it's held up by small sentences, changing POVs, and clear thoughts that aren't shown properly.

We go from POVs so much that it hurts the flow of the story, and that always affects everything else. I talk more about POVs in the "Writing Style" below.

But the flow is good, thought the lack of detail and a strong-standing setting isn't really there. The flow should be like a steady stream, picking up with chaos, going slow with contentment, and even being rocky with things aren't too sure. The less definition there is in a story, the less water in the stream. This topic is such a good topic and with your words, I love it! It just needs the extra "oomff!" to work.

Writing Style (format + your style);  6/10

Format, format. I hate to come down hard on this. I really do. But throughout the story, I do like the fact we get glimpses in to Chanyeol and Baekhyun's minds. But doing it frequently can mess up the flow and track of the story itself. And throwing in flashbacks are always good in my books, but you need to space between them and the rest of the chapter and maybe italicize it? Do something so we know it is a flashback and putting the "baekhyun's flashback" in bold and underlined formatting doesn't do it. It works, but without anything else... it looks like a normal part of the story and that we aren't revisiting a memory/flashback.

For the switching of views, try not doing it so much. I'd understand if there was a small thought here and there, but try to focus on either 3rd POV, BaekYeol POV, or just one of the two. BaekYeol POV, in my eyes, is like "one chapter a piece with the ability to navigate and read well throughout their POVs." Something like that. Or just do it all in 3rd. Because from that, we see them. Even one of the 3rd POV senses is to show their inner monologues, which is letting readers see through, in a Baekhyun or Chanyeol POV. But simpler! You see? Switching so much causes frustration and no one likes that.

Also, for your author notes, highlighting in hot pink isn't the best decision, darling. It hurts readers' eyes. I'm sorry.

Extra & Notes;
  I do adore your idea here, but I think with more detail, less POV changes, and no hot pink highlights in the A/N (sorry ;;) - I would see definite improvement and there would be overall enjoyment brought to it. Not that I'm saying it , because trust me, I really like it.

   Also, last minute note: I was examining the BG in the poster and instantly thought "the tunnel is like a light at the end of the tunnel! like a metaphor for the story!" and I don't know if that's right or if that's just the picture... but then I noticed there is something blocking that light a bit - and it looks like a human figure maybe - and I'm spooked now.

Total Score; ♡

71

  You, my dear, are awesome and I hope your day is lovely (or night. it's nighttime here.) So keep smiling and if you ever have questions, you can comment below! ^^