Username: ZelosLittleBunny

Story Title (&link): Here After

Main Characters (+pairings): Zayn Malik

Genre(s): Psychological, dark, bullying, suicidal

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 3

Rated?: Yes, for triggers.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

Note: “Nearly ten years of torment, he’s still trying to learn to grunt it. He finds ways of coping, whether it be slicing his wrists or purging, just to feel in control of something. And on the outside he’s a humble seventeen year old, but on the inside he’s damaged good with no hope of ever getting out. “

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title; 3/5

At first thought, “here after” makes me think of a ghost or someone coming back or being ‘here after’ everything. And though I don’t have much to go off of to say that it fits, I’ll just have to trust you on the title of it.

Poster/Background;  5/5

The poster is simple, featuring Zayn, and I love it for this. It isn’t overly dramatic or filled with swirls of darker colors. I like the simplicity for it. I feel like it represents the story and Zayn’s journey in is as well.

Description & Foreword;  4/10

   I honestly have read the line “just to feel in control of something” in a couple of psychological based stories before. I think it’s all too common, and though true, I’d just like to point out that I have seen that line used more than once.
   As for how it goes: I like just the basic over-view of what this will be. Although it really doesn’t draw me in like I’d like. It just tells me what has happened and how his thinking is. I can see potential with the fact he isn’t getting out of his own personal and outside torment, but I just… can’t get drawn in from that description.

Foreword:
    “Warning” – I love the fact you do have a warning there because it’s needed if this is dark. Which it is. Plus, you tell readers that this is an AU of Zayn, he’s normal, etc.

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  4/5

Of course, I’ve seen plots like these quite a bit. But I love seeing them nonetheless because every author holds potential in them to make this idea pop out to readers and let it touch their hearts. So for being the most original idea, that’s not there. But it’s what you do with it that counts. And on that note, I like your writing on it. I like how it’s his point of view and you have him blaming himself and going through those emotions. Even with the shortness of chapters, it works.

Plot;  -/20

  Since there isn’t much here, I cannot define a proper plot. So you’ll probably have to explain this one to me. ^^
 

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   12/15

I found no mistakes, except a few words that shouldn’t be plural because they already are. (i.e. furniture not furnitures) But aside from that, you’re words, grammar, etc., is all perfect! Unless I’m missing something. The only thing I suggest is that you put that good writing to use and update with details. You have details for his feelings, which is the perfect thing for this type of story. But even so, I feel like the three chapters present should be put in one entire thing because it’s his past and I feel like it’s a glimpse as to why he is the way he is. Then after that you could continue from his current age?

Characterization;   9/15

Since there’s not a lot to work with, I can’t go off of that, but I can go off of how you made the younger Zayn. That right there is enough and is brilliant because you aren’t being ridiculous with the psychology behind this child’s brain! You’re showing how innocent and naïve he is with stuff and how his tiny self doesn’t understand and doesn’t fight back. I know this feeling. I’ve witnessed this feeling. And the way you word those parts are amazing! Zayn is a character you instantly want to hug to death and teach him the ways of the world and how people are. Great job.

 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  -/5
-- just numbered, nothing here.

Flow;  3.5/10

I stated above that the three chapters present feel like a prologue and should be smashed together in one chapter. But if you pace like that throughout the entire story, I will be disappointed. The chapters aren’t long enough, lack detail, and though they get to the point and portray the emotions vividly, I still  think you are pacing it too fast because of the lack of detail. To me, it’s like a short story or something for a one act play. It’s tiny and branched out like a tree, lacking leaves. You know?

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

I am really digging this way of portraying a messed up Zayn. You do well with it and it makes me want to keep reading to see if he’s coming out of this alive, doing better, or if he gives up on life. That’s what draws me in: him. His character is flawed heavily, but not to where you’re like “wow this is stupid” – I adore that about your writing. Plus I sure do know that you can write but I feel like you just don’t push hard enough to get all the detail and fragments out on to the document.

Extra & Notes; (+10)
  I hope to see this story advance and get readers and comments because I love it so far! The vibe is dark and you’re left hoping and wondering about Zayn. Good job! <3

Total Score; ♡

57.5!

  Thanks for requesting! <3