Username: thecrownedraven

Story Title (&link): A Lamb's Demon

Main Characters (+pairings): Wu Yifan, Shixan (Sehun) Wu, Jun Wu (OC), Chanyeol, Baekhyun, rest of EXO, Changmin.

Genre(s): Angst, rated-m/mature, romance, tragedy, drama, psychological

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 5 (ongoing)

Rated?: Yes.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

Note: I shall attempt to be critical and harsh as usual. ^^

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title; 5/5

It's effective, I'll tell you that. It is completely eye-catching and a curious thing. I mean- "A Lamb's Demon". A lamb's freaking demon. How is that not cool or eye catching? But that's just me. I think that the title is pretty cool, and the way it fits to this story is just... brilliant. Job well done!

Poster/Background;  10/5

Dear poster maker, I applaud you for years at the excellence of this poster. Kris is our main guy, but also his brothers are portrayed as well. And the cracks- the quote- the title itself all screams "read me" or even "watch me" if this were a movie. I absolutely adore the poster and background - even though they are nearly the same. The poster is just... it goes with the rest of the story and works so perfectly.

"a demon's job is to destroy an innocence."

Description & Foreword;  10/10

   Honestly... I got scared. I can see these amazingly titled and poster-ed stories and the description and/or foreword be a giant mess... but it isn't! The quote is the first thing you read and I absoltely love that as the theme. This is a brotherly story and it... it's too good for words. And this story isn't about a rising, oh no. From what I gather, this is a downfall. Yet it's the downfall of reality and I hope that their lives are well but this just screams "angst" and "keep reading".

Foreword:
     When it comes to a "character chart", I hate when writer's reveal too much at the beginning. I am someone who did that. But here- this is what I say is a good example of what to do! I love the gifs, of course, and just the general images, but it just shows their Chinese names, roles, and such. You give the details we need to know (and could possibly get confused with if we didn't read them first, you never know). And the way this story is... I love the OST part. And your A/N are orderly and neat, not sloppy and badly highlighted.

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5

    Family -particularly brothers - are not usually talked about unless it's . on AFF is really popular. But this- oh no! This is a good, if not great, portrayal of three brothers who all have different personas, different lives, and different outlooks on the world they live in. Parentless, though that bothers no one, truly, and on their own, they struggle to hold themselves together and keep their small trio afloat on the sea of life. I adore how this is show and how you created this idea centric to the boys. Kris is the main guy, obviously, and even though the guys are gay... I love it! Real life versions of them could very well be just like this - that's the beauty of the slice of life writings! And I just adore them separatly and as a whole.

Plot;  18/20

  Now I follow the theme you have given as the main "plotline" for the story. And I absolutely fell for it! This is a real life thing that shows you lives of normal boys and how they cope and deal. Anyone can relate. And I always adore those who decide to rather rationalize and make a SOL or realistic story that features school life, home life, struggles, hurtful thoughts, etc. It's beautiful!
 

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   12/15

I found... nothing really. The only big problem that many people face is this: past, present, and future tense. Now I found it a couple of times where you switched up past and present in the same sentence and sections, which is a no-no. Make sure to review, keep your mind focused for typos, look our for the grammar, and always triple check! It teaches you and helps  catch those nasty buggers when you type. I am always mistaking myself and then laughing when I realize a mistake - I do that for my friends, too. But I think that's your main issue here in the story: the tenses. Just remember which tense you are writing in and stick with it. You shuffled back and forth a lot and it can confuse the reader.
> ed, d, had, was, then, etc. - past
> s, es, is, am, ing, etc. - present
> will, should, is going to, etc. - future
 

Characterization;   12/15

I'm mainly going to judge the brothers. The extra characters all should keep the separate personas, and if in a group, I think having them really similar is okay, too. But I want to focus on the three Wus.

Kris Wu holds the responsibility of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulder along with caring for his two younger brothers. Imagine doing that on your own. And they all attend school and he has to make money, right? I mean... seriously! Brave and strong soul right there. And throughout what you have so far, I see the courage to keep going in his words and the way he is. I love his character the most probably, because anyone can relate to the pressure, stress, and the heavy weight of the world. Just make sure to never contradict his personality and you'll be fine!

Sehun. This boy... I'm not a true Sehun fan, which is bad since my closest friend is. But! I do like this little ice prince here and his attitude. At least one brother needed that crowning glory of "pain in the but surviving" little bro and he got it! Right? But he is still such a freaking sweet and caring brother that  I want to slip in to the story and hug him to death! Brilliant portrayal!

Jun. Little kids bring life in to a situation, but can also cause trouble. I think that will be a great element to the story. There are so many possibilities and as Jun grows, he can change. Not saying he will or should... but that's just a kid for you! Anyone can change, but it's the kids and their spongy brains that are affected most and show it really bluntly.

 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  5/5
I always love those titles.

Flow;  7/10

Here's my dead honest opinion. I do enjoy how it goes, and how you name the date and time -  but  I did feel like at points that the story went a bit too fast, lacked some detail, and just named the events taking place blandly. Like in the beginning, when Jun tripped and fell - why not display his emotion more clearly, or a gasp, or a loud thud that drew their attention to the boy, etc.? I love detail and I feel without it, the story goes a bit wonky and fast-paced at moments. That's never fun because that can make a reader boring... especially ones like me. Which I hate to admit.

And again, I do want to add that as I progressed through the story... the detail and pace came out easily and I smiled geniunely at the fact you improved it that fast. I mean, the first chapter's note said you combined the short chapters in to one, which is highly understandable that they flip flop around... but I still think a review of that first chapter could help? It dragged along a bit, and by the next chapter, I was impressed at the improvement as well as the feeling in the story. I already love the boys thanks to this, so you're doing well!

Writing Style (format + your style);  10/10

I love how you show the story and let us see in to the complicated, yet wonderfully crafted world of the Wus. It's a normal life, just a bit more angsty and dramatic and the boys are well written. I think with that, you'll go so far!

Also, the formatting is quite awesome! I love the time stamps, the dividers, etc. I really like how you organized that instead of just skipping around. I think that shows a definite difference in this story compared to others. ^^

Extra & Notes;
  You wanted harsh and I really don't have anything to criticize... I loved the story so far and the writing skills was just... great. The flow went well as I kept going and it made me smile how something so simple can go to dramatic and life changing with a twist or even with the blink of an eye. And I expect great things from this to come and when they do, I'll be in the comments like " oh wow ". So, keep updating and smiling because you are talented!

Total Score; ♡

94!

  <3