Username: gelisi
Story title: Breaking Innocence: 2min's story
Story theme: Fluff, comedy
Story link: CLICK HERE

Reviewer: Annie1017

Title/Banner/background: 2/3

I don’t mind not having a background, but I thought the banner could have been better. It’s not bad, believed me, but I don’t think it captures the feel as well.

Foreword/Description: 7/7

Your description is perfect. You’re perfect. Bye.

Plot: 25/25

The scenes you picked to narrate from Taemin and Minho’s love story are all relevant to the plot and adorably fluffy. I don’t seen any problems with your plot, but I do feel like the ending won’t be as good unless there was some sort of big fight or misunderstanding so that the story can end with a bang instead of a fizzle.

The scene where Minho forgets to mention to his parents that Taemin was a guy was hilarious.

Organization: 14/15

As you have warned me already, the first few chapters were awkward. I could kind of tell that it was only meant to be a side story, especially Taemin and Minho meeting in the dance studio. The first few chapters moved way too fast, and were not developed enough.

However, after those first few chapters, there was improvement, and I have no problems.

Characterization: 24/25

Minho and Taemin in this story are both more…what is the right word….moderate than extreme, and I had a bit of problem with that at first. The problem with making characters moderate (no strong personality traits) like you did is that it may seem at first that those characters are bland and weak.

For example, Minho is a popular jock, yet he just accepted falling for a guy. I do realize that he was confused for a little bit, and was totally infatuated with Taemin, but the human brain, his human brain, would have resisted more because of the way he was taught. Minho seemed to just be like…oh, my heart beats fast when I’m around Taemin…that’s weird…oh whatever. Minho’s character seems a little flat because of that. He doesn’t seem to feel strongly about anything, and lacks personality.

Taemin:

“It didn’t matter what they did. At the beach, downtown, or just hanging around at Taemin’s house, every day ended up the same, with Taemin curled up in bed on top of his chest as Minho just held him close, breathing him in and melting under his touch. They could talk the whole day away, but as soon as they were lying there, just cuddling in bed, there was nothing but silence between the two of them. There was nothing that needed to be said at all.”

So…these two boys, one of whom is extremely shy, are cuddling together. They aren’t dating, or have even confessed to liking each other. Something about this comfortable cuddling scene (at this point in the story) doesn’t add up to the rest of the story, as cute as it may be. Maybe I just felt like their relationship wasn’t developed enough up to that point, and that scene belonged later in the story.

Development of human emotions is crucial, especially the uncontrollable ones like jealousy.

Taemin’s jealousy over Yuri was nicely portrayed. I actually feel like those two (?) scenes were the strongest parts of the story because jealousy is a strong emotion, and made him more realistic and 3D at that moment.

The dialogue in your story is also a strong part. The conversation is witty and clever, and pertinent. You also create great imagery with descriptions such as the changes that Taemin/Minho’s faces go through as they feel different emotions.

One thing that kind of bugs me (a lot L) is that Taemin always calls Minho by his first name, and never by “hyung.” In Korea, the guys call their older male friends that quite often. It’s a form of familiarity as well as respect. The fact that Taemin doesn’t even utter that word once just blows my mind. If he didn’t, that would mean that he didn’t see himself and Minho as being close, and Minho should be pretty offended.

Grammar/Usage: 24/25

Grammar: perfect

Spelling: wonderful

Usage: heavenly

Vocabulary: correct use of all the words included, but not too many big words - can be a good thing and a bad thing. I personally don’t mind it, especially for a fluff piece.

One thing that bothered me a little, and this might belong more in organization maybe ….sometimes you do this right, and in others, this happens:

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“Protecting you from what? Does he think I’m dangerous?” Taemin’s head sunk farther and farther into himself as he managed to turn even redder.

“N-not the kind of dangerous you’re thinking of…” Minho gave him a confused look. What other types of dangerous were there? “B-but he really is a good guy! Just kind of crazy and weird.”

“He sounds like a joy.” Taemin just giggled, unable to really counter his statement. They approached the diner, entering and sitting down at a quiet booth in the back. Minho wasted no time in ordering the largest milkshake they had, his eyes wide with anticipation as the waitress brought it out and set it on the table.

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The first line is spoken by Minho, and it is understood that whatever is after the sentence relates to Minho speaking those words. However, you have Taemin’s reaction next. What you should have done is spaced that as a new paragraph, and then attach’s Taemin’s words to the end of that. Example:

“Protecting you from what? Does he think I’m dangerous?”

Taemin’s head sunk farther and farther into himself as he managed to turn even redder. “N-not the kind of dangerous you’re thinking of…” Minho gave him a confused look. What other types of dangerous were there? “B-but he really is a good guy! Just kind of crazy and weird.”

“He sounds like a joy.”

Taemin just giggled, unable to really counter his statement. They approached the diner, entering and sitting down at a quiet booth in the back. Minho wasted no time in ordering the largest milkshake they had, his eyes wide with anticipation as the waitress brought it out and set it on the table.

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Now, it is correct. In the second paragraph, it is okay even though Minho’s reaction is stuck in the middle of Taemin’s dialogue since his dialogue is technically being cut in half. A new paragraph is started when the speaker changes, or is one person’s dialogue changes ideas.

Total Score: 96/100

A J

Final thoughts

This review , because seriously, I had trouble finding things that were wrong with this story. The only thing that drove me bat crazy was the lack of “hyung”s, because Taemin speaks he is being plain rude. Especially since Minho is in a higher grade, he should be saying “sunbae” at first, then “hyung” when they became close friends.

I would like to see some plot/relationship progression, because Taemin’s shyness is starting to annoy me :P