Username: wishing_on_a_star

Story Title (&link): Maybe I could ...

Main Characters (+pairings): OC and GOT7’s Jackson

Genre(s): Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 4

Rated?: (yes/no)

Reviewer: AcePengu

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title; 2 /5

Not the best title I have seen in fan fictions. Honestly speaking, this title is too bland and it doesn’t attract readers to read your story. ‘Maybe I could ...’, what could it give you any impression of the story? This title is too vague. Try to use a title that has similar meanings to it.

Poster/Background; 3 /5

The color of the poster is too bright and it hurts my eyes when I was trying to observe the poster. The poster is kind of off. This story seems like its going to be a rather typical angst story while your poster is bright and lively. Obviously, the designer did not understand your needs for the poster or its because the details given to the designer is too vague thus resulting the designer to guess your story line /plot.

Description & Foreword; 3 /10

The description is really empty, only with a quote. This area is for the readers to know a little more about the story and then they can decide whether or not to continue reading the story. I knew nothing about the characters. The quote is rather confusing. Is it meant to be said by Jackson or the OC? Make things specific and clear. The foreword ... There is nothing much to judge about because its your author’s note. Please label the two words ‘author’s note’ because readers might not know what does the message may be about, how does it affect the readers etc.

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality; 3 /5

Hm, a little typical kind of story. Crying over first love - Meet someone new - Fall in love with that person. Not really creative but I do appreciate some of your creativity by starting off with a girl crying. Well, you are just literally jumping into the scene but I guess its good because nobody wants to read a chuck of passage on how you met your first love, your first date etc. In my opinion, for the first chapter, Its better to put the last whole paragraph and slot it in to the first few paragraphs and cutting out some sentences. Some of the sentences are not necessary. Unless you want to add a word in bold that says *flashback*. I was a little confused at first at the sudden change of scene so that’s why its necessary to write the word *flashback*

Plot; 7 /20

Its okay. I don’t get the second chapter. How could Jiyoung-ie agree to go out with her ex-boyfriend, whom she feels insecure with? Did she had a change of feelings or was she that gullible to agree to go with him? Explain these points as this gives your readers a clearer idea on why Jiyoung behaved this way. There isn’t a flow in the story. First, Jiyoung acted so kind towards her ex-boyfriend, who made her cry and the next day she acted as if nothing happen? Is she having mood swings or something? Explain! Don’t go blabbering about (referring to second chapter) pushing Jackson into the room. Cut it short and say something like this >> *After the part where they were at the door and Jiyoung convinced him to go in* Jackson sighed in defeat and went into his room. Also, Jackson can’t just play dumb and ask several questions about the relationship between Jiyoung and her ex. Why would Jiyoung keep on responding to those questions? Was she left with no choice and had to tell him? Or to satisfy him and to refrain him to stop asking. Explain these points. Lastly, Jackson has feelings too! Did he act as Jiyoung’s toy so that Jiyoung can use him and throw him aside after that? Did he have any feelings towards Jiyoung? You didn’t include much of Jackson’s thoughts, making the readers frown because they want to know how he feels too!

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;  10 /15

Example : How YoungJae’s arm was wrapped loosely around your waist with your lips connected with a kiss.

Suggested sentence : Jackson observed how YoungJae’s arms were wrapped loosely around your waist and sealed your lips with a kiss.

Spelling was alright, limited vocabulary and need further improvement for grammar.

"He just broke it off. He just said 'let's break up' and that's it. We were over. No explanations. He didn't say why. He just broke up with me,"

Suggested answer : YoungJae just broke it off. He said it was over between us and that left me dumbfounded. I didn’t know why as he didn’t state his reasons.

Characterization;  8 /15

Messy. I didn’t know what kind of people Jackson and Jiyoung was. I had some clue on YoungJae because from the way he toyed Jiyoung .. You gave a rather lengthy information on the popular people. They are not the main characters so why bother writing so much about them. Unless one of them had an affair with Jackson then its a different scenario.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles; 3 /5

Alright, usual chapter titles I would put as well.

Flow; 5 /10

A little too slow but I know its because the story is progressing bit by bit. You have to summarize the paragraphs up. Don’t give a full story on the unnecessary details and that is just wasting the readers time.

Writing Style (format + your style); 5 /10

The format of the story was okay because I personally use the same font and I like it. Please don’t leave so much space in between the lines because that is just cheating our feelings by scrolling down a long chapter filled with mostly blanks.

My style of writing the story is to give hints on the character of the person. For example, if I want to describe a person who is lazy, you can say the person is a ‘couch potato ‘.

Don’t just focus too much on one person! Remember to talk a little bit more of your minor characters because they play role in the story. I tend to decide the tone of the character too. If the person is going to be a chirpy one, I tend to have the person as a lively character and the way the character talks would vary too. Tell your story in a fun as well as enjoyable way. Make sure you yourself are satisfied with the chapter before uploading. No point writing a y chapter and expect people to read it and leave a nice comment on your story. 

Extra & Notes;

I know its kind of tough for you to read my review because I tend to be stricter when reviewing stuff. I want to help you to improve your story so that you can gain more self-confidence and write a better story.

Total Score; 50/100