Username: ingonthatkpop

Story Title (&link): Inside a Mind of Madness

Main Characters (+pairings): Krystal, Victoria, f(x) members, Kris

Genre(s): Angst, Romance, Trigger warning: mental illnesses, mentions of blood

Current Length (No. of Chapters): Four

Rated?: No

Reviewer: choops

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title; 3/5

Solely based on first impressions, when I first read the title, I turned to a different tab and I immediately forgot the actual title (I’m sorry!). A better, more attention-grabbing title would attract more readers, like Mind of Madness, perhaps? From the title, I cannot predict as to what story this is- angst, most probably, but that’s about it. In a way, this is a plus point for you and more curious readers- you might intrigue them, and they might want to scroll through your story just to get the idea of what you’re writing about.

Aesthetics (Poster, Background, Font, Layout); 4/5

an I just applaud you on your poster/banner? It’s so pretty! It’s clean, simple, and doesn’t clog the page, and I like it. Your font is also the standard font, which I love cause it doesn’t require the reader to adjust your font size (you’d want your readers to feel convenient reading your story!). However, I have a slight issue with your chapter layouts. At times, I wasn’t able to distinguish if there was a change in POVs and if you did not italicise monologues, I wouldn’t be able to distinguish them as well. My suggestion is that to add lines in between change of scenes/POVs and to at least bold the words _____’s POV (and there isn’t a term called Nobody’s POV, it’s actually the third POV). And the same applies to flashbacks as well.

Description and Foreword; 3/5

This is also very, very important. I, personally read a story’s description to determine whether it’s worth reading or not. When I read yours, the impression I’m getting is that Victoria is mentally ill and that she needed an escape from the monsters that are in her head. I wouldn’t be too interested in it, solely because the foreword did not engage my full interest. I love that the idea and message is there, but I suggest that you word it once more, and try to add a little spice to it. Imagine this- you’re in an alternate universe where books come in plain, black covers. All that’s there would be the synopsis, and in order to get more readers, you’d need a kickass description. Try putting this story in this situation, and imagine the way you’d want your description to seduce readers into the point of no return (aka your story lol).

I don’t have any issues with your foreword cause it’s basically an author’s note, but I suggest that you add forewarnings in your story. This story is about mental illnesses and there are mentions of blood (it was close to gore for me to be honest). Some might not take it well.

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Characterisation; 8/20

 I’m sorry but I am not satisfied with the characterisation in this story. Besides knowing that Victoria’s mentally ill, I don’t know that much about her. I don’t know what satisfies her and what irks her. All I know is that she hears voices in her head and is very much destructive. I think the readers would appreciate it if you invest some time in writing any of the characters’ thoughts, monologues etc. in detail. Throw them in an unusual situation and try imagining how they would react. From my personal experience, I distinguish my characters and their traits by filling up character development sheets- it’s troublesome and stuff, but it honestly helps in writing a story. A personal favourite of mine would be this: (x)(x)

Plot; 3/15 

As of now, I see no plot except for Victoria killing her own sister, and Kris who took the initiative to send her to a mental institution. I have no slight idea as to where this fic will be taking its direction to, and it doesn’t leave me that much room to say either. Though I have to say that this leaves so much room for plot development- use your creative mind and expand your ideas! Think outside of the box!

Grammar; 15/30

 I feel that your vocabulary is extensive judging from the words you use. However, I have some issues pertaining your grammar. It isn’t horrible, but it’s noticeable as well. I suggest that you proofread your writing before publishing them. Examples of errors I found are,

Original sentence: Hallucinations, Monsters, Nightmares were all so real to the fragiled minded girl they called Victoria.

Correction: Hallucinations, monsters and nightmares were all so real to the fragile girl they call Victoria.

Original sentence: Alone. Thats how he found her. Bloody and balled in the corner, whispering unheard things to the thin air.

Correction: Alone- that was how he found her, bloody and balled in the corner, whispering unheard things into the thin air.

Original sentence: "Oh....you scared me Kris right?"

Correction: “Oh! You scared me… Kris, right?”

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Flow/Detail; 5/10 

I find that the flow is jumpy, and not consistent. In the first few chapters, it was alright and wasn’t that obvious, but as I read on, I felt that it wasn’t too fast neither was it too slow- it was just jumpy. However, I still applaud the pace you set in the first two chapters. I felt that it wasn’t boring, and it was attention grabbing. I suggest that you make a layout of your chapters just so you could have an overview of what happens in each chapter.

Creativity/Originality; 5/10

I feel that mental illnesses is not a common plot (well, not from all the fics I’ve read) and I have to give you credit for that. However, since mental illness is a rather serious theme to get involved in, I suggest that you make lots of readings regarding the various types of mental illnesses. I don’t really know what mental illness Victoria is suffering from, so I feel that making that clear in the first few chapters would be really beneficial.

Extra & Notes;

Sorry for being so blunt/rude or whatever :/ I didn't mean to offend or hurt you in whatsoever way, but there are just some issues in this fic that need to be addressed. To minimise errors and possibly improve your fic, I suggest finding a really good beta reader to help you. And I wish you all the best in your writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any further questions!

Total Score;

46/100