We're Always There For You

By: forgettable--girl

Title: 5/5

“We’re Always There For You” automatically makes me think of a “family/friends” like series with drama issues. So 5 stars for that. I really like the title, it fits perfectly with the story.

Poster: 7/10

It’s cute and simple, however, it doesn’t really catch my attention that much. However it does give me that mixed feelings of happiness, angst, and friendship. So good job on that!

Description: 2/5

Your sentence: Five girls lives in one house.

Correction: Five girls live in one house.

If the subject (Girls) is plural then the verb should not end in “S”.

Your sentence: Yulgi, who goes by the name Yugi, grew up losing her mother in a bank robbery and suffer her step family tutore.

You misspelled “torture” and suffer should be past tense. “Suffered”.

Your sentence: Eun Na had to father and suffer seeing her mother labor to raise her.

Comment: I don’t understand that statement “had to father and suffer” or maybe I’m missing something here. The word ‘father’ should be crossed out, it does not belong there because “father” means male parent.

Your sentence: Kristy or Minjee, also grew up having to father but unlike Eun Na, she suffer having her mother leave her.

Correction: Kristy, or Minjee, also grew up having to father(?), but unlike Eun Na, she suffered from her mother’s abandonment.

Again, the word “father” confused me. I think you meant the word “suffer” instead of “father”. But then again, I don’t know.

Your sentence: Hyun Jin who took the name Yun Ah, cause it was close to her younger sister name Yuna. she suffer her father abusing.

Correction: Hyun Jin took the name Yun-Ah since it was similar to her younger sister’s name, Yuna; Hyun Jin had to put up with her abusing father.

“Cause” should be “because” since the description is being told in third person’s POV. You can only get away with this if your characters are speaking in slang dialogue or in first or second person’s POV.

Your Sentence: Mika, aka Miki, suffer her alcoholic father abusing, also.

Correction: Mika, aka Miki, suffered from an alcoholic abusing father as well.

At the end of a sentence, instead of “also” it should be “as well”.

Suggestion: Like Hyun Jin, Mika (also known as Miki) endured and afflicted pain from her father’s beating and alcohol abuse.

.Your sentence: As life went on and having no connection to their old life. They were happy for once.

Correction: As life went on and having no connection with their old life, they were happy for once.

Those two fractured sentences should be combined to make one full complete sentence.

Your sentence: But what happens when things starts to happen?

The second “happen” should be “change”. But then again, it’s just a suggestion.

Comments: You had an overuse in the word “suffer”, you should get an thesaurus and replace those overused words. Overall, the description was pretty descent, you just have some grammar errors that can be easily fixed with a help of a Co-Arthur or a beta reader.

Forewords: 3/5

The forewords are used for Author’s note, usually stating a warning or a disclaimer. However some author’s use forewords as prologues. I couldn’t really grade this the way I wanted to but the quotes gave me interest to your story.

Characterization: 12/15

I’m not really a fan when comes to “character charts” but since this was an apply fic I will accept it. I had a hard time relating to any of the characters because of the constant change in point of views. I sometimes forget witch character POV I was reading. Other than that, and based on the character descriptions, the way you described each other characters was really good.

Format: 10/10

The format was neat and easy to read. Congrats on that.

Spelling/Vocabulary/Grammar: 15/30:

The biggest problem that I found was the word “I” in lower case font. The pronoun “I” should always be capitalized even in mid-sentence. I also stumbled upon some grammar and typo errors.

Example:

Life In The House: Corrections

As always (comma after always) the girls were running around getting ready for school. The (misspelled word “they”) walked through house (The word “the” should be between “through” and “house”) not talking to each other and moved out of the way when needed to. Once they were done (Comma after done) they walked to t he (should be “the” not “t he”) bus stop and got on. Upon reaching the school (Comma after school) the girls went their own way.

Suggestion) As always, all of the girls in the house were running all over the place trying to get ready for school. They walked around the house not speaking to one another and avoided each other’s presence when needed to. Once they were finished, the girls walked themselves to the bus stop and waited patiently for their ride. When the bus arrived, they got on and sat in an empty seat. Upon reaching their school, the girls went their separate ways.

“Miki, come quick!” Cl shouted and waved her arms like they were in fire. (Should be on fire)

Form (misspelled from) far away (Comma after away) there was someone watching Eun Na. This person had always liked (the word “her” should be after “liked” to make more sense) but never got (replace the word 'got' with 'had') the guts to tell her. His face was eye catching. With his mysterious face and star-tinkling eyes, ( That statement does not make sense. Tinkling is a jingling sound, eyes cannot tinkle and neither does stars. I believe you meant the word “twinkling” witch means “Shining brightly”) he had the girls falling at their feet. This man was famous too (comma after too) so there would be girls following him. His name is TOP. Angry that Eun Na had not notice (notice has to be in past tense form: “noticed”) him (comma after him) she walked (more like stormed) off to his friends. (Why would she storm off to his friends? I’m confused. I think you meant he walked off instead of “she” walked off.)

You get the idea. I’m not going to say much about this however I suggest you go back and proofread. Like I said before, If you don’t have the time to proofread, you could always get a beta-reader or a Co-Arthur to help you out.

Flow/Detail: 5/10

The way you switch to different character POV’s in what seems like every short paragraph confused me to the point where I had to go back and read the whole chapter all over again, if not more. There is no need to have a character POV when it’s only one sentence of their thought, It only ruins the flow of your story and leaves your readers confused. Arthur’s note should always be at the end of the chapter. It should never be seen randomly during the story unless it’s highly necessary. Keep that in mind. Another thing, I had to deduct points in detail because you used pictures and links instead of describing how the room looks in your own words. Stories is always about describing things.

Creativity/Plot/Originality: 6/10

Not going to lie, I read a lot of fics like this before and it’s quite cliché. However, your characters makes up for it. Their personalities were unique in a way that makes the story more ‘original’ than the others. So good job on that. I liked the scene were Eun Na and TOP were rap battling against each other, really cute and funny.

Overall: 65/100

Additional Comments:

I like this story honestly, it’s cute and very funny in certain parts (especially “Brownie” *_* super cute.). The only main problem is your grammar and typo error issues. You should get some of your friends to read over your work to check for any mistakes. Other than that, this story was pretty good actually.

Reviewer: Yamada-chan